Dr Dave TV Series: Pilot Script

[CaptainWacky]

(Dr Dave is sitting on his doorstep.)

Dr Dave: Another boring day watching the world go by.

(A nun rides down the sidewalk on a bike, singing.)

Nun: LA LA LA LA, I LOVE GOD, LA LA LA LA...

(Dave quickly jumps in her path and she stops.)

Dr Dave: What the fuck do you think you're doing?

Nun: Excuse me?

Dr Dave: No, I will not excuse you. This is my street. Did you get permissiion to ride down here on a bike singing?

Nun: I don't need permission for that, dear! I am enjoying God's sunshine.

Dr Dave: Oh fuck you did not just say that.

Nun: Don't swear! It says in the bible not to swear! You should read your bible!

Dr Dave: I prefer books about horses fighting each other.

Nun: Now kindly let me leave...

Dr Dave: No.

Nun: What do you mean, no?

Dr Dave: You're not a real nun.

Nun: What!?

Dr Dave: I said you're not a real nun.

Nun: What!?

Dr Dave: I said you're not a real nun.

Nun: What!?

(Dr Dave punches her in the face.)

Dr Dave: A real nun would know that it says nothing in the bible about swearing being bad. In fact, Jesus swore on the Cross.

Nun: No he didn't! And ouch!

Dr Dave: He did. He said "FUCK ME, MY FUCKING HANDS HURTS AND MY FEETSIES, AND THIS CROWN OF THORNS AIN'T NO FUCKING PICNIC NEITHER AND CHRIST ON A BIKE WHAT ARE THEY DOING NOW...OUCH, MY SIDE! THAT FUCKING HURT YOU BASTIES!" They said "basties" insteads of "bastards" back then.

Nun: Oh, right... I knew that.

Dr Dave: Ha! I made all that up. NOW I know you're not a real nun!

Nun: So you didn't know before? Then why did you punch me?

Dr Dave: Got to punch something. I'm going to call the cops now.

Nun: Wait! I can give you money and a blowjob!

Dr Dave: I can get those from my mad cousin Heather.

Nun: That's incest!

Dr Dave: Not if she's a robot. NOW SHUT YOUR MOUTH.

Nun: But then I can't give you a blowjob!

Dr Dave: Exactly.

Nun: Look, how about I...SHOOT YOU WITH THIS HIDDEN GUN?

Dr Dave: That's not a gun, it's a penis.

Nun: Yes. For, you see, I'm really a man too!

Dr Dave: I'm going to kick you in the balls now.

Nun: Fair enough.

THE END

 

[FBI parte due]

 

[Gagh]

I can't wait for the guest appearance of the entire cast of Everybody Loves Raymond in silly hats.

 

[Dr Dave]

I hate Everybody Loves Raymond.

 

[CaptainWacky]

The network have ordered a re-write with the addition of an "ethnic sidekick".

 

[Dr Dave]

Dammit!

 

[Fuddlemiff]

You've caught Dr Dave's personality to a tee.

 

[CaptainWacky]

FIRST RE-WRITE

(Dr Dave and his friend Chico Aponovich are sitting in Dr Dave's office twiddling their thumbs.)

Dr Dave: There's nothing to fucking do.

Chico: Hey, we could play "I Spy"..

Dr Dave: I've suffered enough.

Chico: Hey, I'm a quarter mexican, a quarter asian, a quarter black and a quarter jew, I know from suffering!

(The studio audience laugh.)

Dr Dave: What does "I know from" even mean? Why not say "about" instead of "from"?

Chico: My genes are so mixed up, I don't know what's what!

(He pulls a funny face. The studio audience go into orgasmic raptures of applause.)

Dr Dave: Shut the fuck up.

Chico: Okay, man, I'ma sorry.

Dr Dave: Not you. THEM.

(He glares at the stuido audience and they shut up.)

Chico: Let's see what's on the old wireless...

(He turns the radio on.)

Newscaster: ...to repeat, a DANGEROUS SERIAL KILLER is on the loose and should NOT be approached by ANYONE. Stay inside or he could kill you!

Chico: Damn, that some crazy shit!

Dr Dave: Yes that's some crazy shit.

(Chico looks out the window.)

Chico: Shit, dawg, there be a nun on a bike out here!

Dr Dave: So?

Chico: That serial killer could serial kill her!

Dr Dave: She's just a fucking nun.

Chico: Man, you WHACK, I'ma gonna save her!

(Chico runs out to stop the nun. Dave sighs.)

Dr Dave: That kid will be the death of me.

(Dr Dave follows Chico out onto the street. Chico has stopped the nun.)

Nun: What seems to be the problem, young man?

Chico: Didn't ya hear? There's a serial killer on da loose!

Nun: Oh, the bible forbids nuns from listening to the radio, so I missed that report.

Chico: Well, you better come into our officer where it's safe!

(Dr Dave runs over and punches the nun right in the face.)

Dr Dave: Not so fast.

Chico: What you do that for!?

Nun: Oww, my nun face!

Dr Dave: She's not a real nun.

Chico: What!?

Dr Dave: I said she's not a real nun.

Chico: What!?

Dr Dave: I said shut the fuck up, Chico.

Nun: I am so a nun!

Dr Dave: If you were a real nun you'd know there's nothing the bible saying nuns can't listen to the radio. In fact, Jesus himself listened to the radio on the Cross.

Nun: I knew that! Yeah, I just forgot becasue...I'm no my woman's period!

Chico: Nuns can't have periods!

Dr Dave: And Jesus didn't really listen to the radio on the Cross.

Nun: Damn it! Fooled again! And to think I was going to come inside and KILL YOU BOTH!

Chico: Dat's dat serial killeR!

Nun: HAHAHAHAHA!

Dr Dave: I'm calling the cops now.

Nun: WAIT! I'll give you a blow job.

Dr Dave: I could get one from Chico.

Nun: But he's a guy.

Dr Dave: AND SO ARE YOU.

(He pulls the nun's NUN COSTUME off to reveal and it's really a man in an ORANGE JUMPSUIT.)

Nun: I still give good blowjobs! I learned how inside!

(The studio audience laugh.)

Dr Dave: I hate the world.

THE END

 

[CaptainWacky]

Can you believe it? The network have ordered YET ANOTHER re-write! This time they want Chico to be replaced by a female character who will have sizzling sexual tension with Dave! And they want the serial killer to be a recurring villain!

(Dr Dave and his sexy assistant Pippa are in his office.)

Pippa: You should put some nice plants in our office.

Dr Dave: Our office? It's my office, bitch.

Pippa: My dad owns the building!

Dr Dave: AND THAT'S THE ONLY REASON YOU WORK HERE.

Pippa: I hate you! You're the meantest detective in town!

Dr Dave: And the sexiest.

Pippa: And the sexiest...no! Not the sexiest!

Dr Dave: You can't take it back now.

Pippa: Wait, what's going on? I hear someone shouting for help.

Dr Dave: Sounds like a nun on a bicycle.

Pippa: We must help her!

Dr Dave: But I fucking hate nuns.

Pippa: COME ON!

(She runs outside. Dave sighs and follows.)

Nun: Help, help, I'm being chased by a serial killer!

Dr Dave: I don't see no serial killer. I should punch you in the fucking face then prove you're not a real nun by tricking you with a false bible verse.

Nun: What? He's right THERE!

(A SERIAL KILLER also on a bike comes riding down the street.)

Serial Killer: HAHAHA, I'M GOING TO KILL A NUN!

Dr Dave: Not, I think, today.

(Dr Dave sticks out his arm and CLOTHESLINES the serial killer off his bike.)

Serial Killer: Oww! That really hurt.

Dr Dave: That's what you get for coming down my street.

Pippa: And for threatening a nun!

Dr Dave: Yeah, sure.

(The Serial Killer crawls into the sewer.)

Serial Killer: You haven't seen the last of me!

Nun: Oh, thank you!

(She hugs Dr Dave tight. Dr Dave can clearly feel her curves underneath her nun costume.)

Dr Dave: No problem. You're not so bad...for a nun.

(Pippa GLARES at the nun with SEETHING JEALOUSY.)

TO BE DAVE-TINUED?

 

[Dr Dave]

Who does that Nun think she is hugging Dr Dave?

 

[CaptainWacky]

Oh for fuck's sake, NOW the network want the show to be set A HUNDRED YEARS IN THE FUTURE!

 

[Gagh]

Dr Dave - IIIIIIIIIIIIIIN SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!

 

[curiousa2z]

if only they really offered TV pilots like that.

 

[Bickendan]

I should put these in screenplay format.

 

[Dr Dave]

They are fine the way they are.

 

[CaptainWacky]

(It is the future. The whole planet is one big city. Dr Dave, the number one detective it town, and his cybernetically enhanced detective partner Pippa X are in his office.)

Dr Dave: What a boring fucking day.

Pippa X: Why don't we go out and help people at street level?

Dr Dave: No. It smells outisde.

Pippa X: Didn't you become a detective to help people?

Dr Dave: No. I became a detective to make money.

Pippa X: You sicken me.

Dr Dave: Boo fucking hoo you slut.

Pippa X: That's it! I'm...I'm going to tell my dad...

Dr Dave: Get me kicked out of this building which he owns? Good luck, sister. I bring the money to this place. Wihtout me you'd be...

(The Chico Bot runs in suddenly.)

Chico Bot: Sir, madam, there have been news reports of a serial killing aliens chasing a nun!

Dr Dave: Haha, I look forward to reading of her death tomorrow.

Pippa X: DAVE! That's horrible.

Chico Bot: Sensors show that the nun is headed RIGHT FOR OUR OFFICE on her hover biker!

Dr Dave: That's different, then.

Pippa X: You'll help her?

Dr Dave: No, I'll shoot her out of the sky.

Pippa X: YOU PIG!

(They both run up to the ROOFTOP GARDEN. The nune comes into view on her flying bike.)

Nun: HELP, HELP, I'M BEING CHASED!

Pippa X: Well with my CYBERNETICALLY ENHANCED EYES I can see the nun, but I don't see any...wait, there he is. Yep, that's a big alien serial killer alright!

Dr Dave: Does it have nineteen tentacles?

Pippa X: Yes...how did you know?

Dr Dave: Hmm....

Nun: Can I land here? He's going to kill me!

Dr Dave: No.

Pippa X: Of coursse you can, you nice nun.

Nun: I'm not nice, actually. I fucking hate the bible. I only became a nun to conver the other nuns to lesbianism! I'm not even a lesbian myself, I just wanted to fucking ruin those stuck-up nun bitche.s

Dr Dave: Ha! You're my kind of scum. You can land.

(The nun lands and hugs Dr Dave.)

Nun: Maybe later I can show you why they call me SEX NUN 69.

Dr Dave: Yes, yes you can.

(Pippa X looks JEALOUS but then HORRIFIED as the huge nineteen tentacled serial killing alien arrives.)

Alien: AT LAST.

Dr Dave: Yes, at last.

Pippa X: You two know each other?

Dr Dave: Of course. He's my brother.

(Dr Dave transforms into a huge nineteen tentacled alien and begins battling his brother in the skies. They can fly, by the way.)

Pippa X: God I'm so turned on right now.

(The nun stabs Pippa X in the heart with a hidden knife.)

Nun: SURPRISE!

TO BE DAVE-TINUED?