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Dr Dave's Casebook

"A simple con for the money, yes, I expected as much," said Dr Dave. "Skip to your involvement with the Chinaman."

"He came to me in disguises at first," said Lou Carpentar. "He offered me the not inconsiderable sum of sixty one pounds to do a few weeks of work for him. He warned me that it would mean the end of my relationship with young Mollie, but I had no special affection for the girl so I said fine. Pretty enough girl, but to be honest I'm bisexual leaning towards gay so I was happy to be out of it! Anyway, at first he just had me go to to a building to do some cleaning up...then when he trust me he showed me what was underneath..."

"Hell's machinery," said Dr Dave.

"Yes," said Lou Carpentar, grimly. "So you have seen what you are up against and that it is useless to resist the Chinaman! He stopped wearing his disguise pretty soon after that, saying it didn't matter anymore, that his plans were so far in motion nothing could stop him. He said he just had one loose end to clear up. Then he told me to have Mollie's brother meet me in the building above the machine, while the Chinaman stood near by in disguise. Quite peculiar!"

"Not really, but go on," said Dr Dave. My dislike for this Lou Carpentar had not abated. A slimy, weak-willed individual.

"Well, then we entered the final phase of our relationship. He told me I had to wear a disguise, which he supplied, and stand ourside your flat, watching. When you approached me with my true identity, I was to return to the Chinaman and tell him that the time was right. Of course, I have not done that, as you have promised me more money than he! Speaking of which, I think it's time you paid me, Dr Dave!"

"Oen more thing," said Dr Dave. "Did the Chinaman give you any other address to meet him at?"

"Yes, there was one," said Lou Carpentar. "A place I was to meet him after you came to me. Here it is." He handed Dr Dave a paper. "NOW GIVE ME MY FUCKING MONEY!"

"Oh, I don't have the money with me, of course...come to my place tomorrow and you'll get what you deserve," said my friend. Lou Carpentar beamed at this.

"Then I shall bid you farewell for now!" he said. "I do hope you won't try to stop the Chinaman...surely you see his victory is assured! So long!" He left.

"What a vile fellow," said I. "Surely you do not mean to pay him!"

"I said he'll get what he deserves," said Dr Dave. "And what he deserves is Inspector Tomtrek of the Yard waiting at my flat to arrest the villain for conspiring with the Chinese!"

"Jolly good show!" said I. "But everything he said just there...did you make sense of it?"

"Of course, didn't you?" asked Dr Dave.

"Well...the Chinaman...he was setting us up?"

"Ah,that's it!" said Dr Dave. "Go on!" No doubt Dr Dave was merely testing me. If it was anyone else, I would have thought he hadn't figured it out himself and was relying on me to fill in the answers. But not Dr Dave. Surely not Dr Dave.

"Well, he knew Mollie and her brother would come to you to find Lou Carpentar. He made sure the brother would see the Chinaman above his secret underground machine, made sure the brother would know the address and tell us..."

"...leading us into a NINJA TRAP!" said Dr Dave. "Of course! I mean, that's what I thought. Well done, Wackson."

"This whole case was designed to bring us to our doom!" said I.

"I was the final loose end the Chinaman wanted to eliminate," said Dr Dave. "His equal. The only man capable of stopping him. But we have the advantage now. The Chinaman was waiting for us to figure it all out so he could finally make his move. But he doesn't know that we know the truth about Lou Carpentar. We have the advntage now and know the Chinaman's true address!" He waved the paper with the address on it to me.

"Then it is to war we go," said I.

"To war, my friend," said Dr Dave, a crazed look on his face. "TO WAR."
 
We said nothing as we crawled back through the tunnel to Dr Dave's home. I wondered what my friend was planning. To take on the Chinaman in his own home, even with the element of surprise, would be no easy task. I was just about to ask Dr Dave how he intended to go about it, when we came to the end of the tunnel.

"Home at last," said my friend. He tapped the wall and it opened. We climbed into Dr Dave's falt...and were amazed to find Mollie was there.

"Mollie!" I said. The sweet girl looked quite distressed.

"Your Miss Manners showed me up," she said to Dr Dave. "I have been so distraught over the disappearance of my beloved Lou Carpentar! Please, tell me you have news!"

I looked at Dr Dave. He nodded.

"My friend Wackson shall tell you the news," said Dr Dave. "For I have to get myself A GLASS OF WATER. Do you want one, Mollie?"

"Err, no," she said, giving him an odd look.

"Much as I thought," said Dr Dave. "Tell the story, Wackson, tell her everything." He walked to the kitchen as I spoke. I told her everything we had discovered. She looked like she was fighting back tears afterwards, the brave girl. Dr Dave returned with an empty glass.

"Nothing like a nice refreshing glass of water," he said. Mollie gave him another odd look. The brave girl then rallied.

"You MUST stop this nasty Chinese man!" she said. "Don't delay! Head to his home now and KICK HIS BUTT!" It was strange to see a woman speak this way, but I'd be lying if I said I did not find it somewhat arousing.

"Yes, of course!" said Dr Dave. "Let's go, Wackson!"

"Shouldn't we make some preparations?" said I.

"No time!" said Mollie.

"No time!" said Dr Dave. I was disturbed to see that he was frothing at the mouth somewhat. "All I need is my TRUSTY UMBRELLA!" He grabbed an umbrella again.

"Good luck, men!" said Mollie, leaving. "Good luck indeed!"

I turned to Dr Dave after she had gone. "I care for that young lady, but her advice was somewhat reckless," I said. "Surely we are not going straight to the Chinaman's home?"

"OF COURSE WE ARE," said Dr Dave. "A young lady has asked it of us and it would be MOST RUDE to refuse! COME!"

"But all you have is an umbrella, again!" I said. "What if the Chinaman has two umbrellas?"

"Have no fear, this umbrella HAS A SWORD INSIDE IT!" said my friend. I felt somewhat better, but I could not shake the uneasy feeling that had come over me. Something had changed in Dr Dave and it was shaking me to my core.
 
We made our way through old London town to the address supplied. It was simply a door in the side of a wall.

"I don't like this..." I said, as Dr Dave picked the door's lock with his umbrella lock-picker.

"SPECIAL DELIVERY FOR THE CHINAMAN," said my friend, in a crazed tone. "AND IT'S NOT CHINESE FOOD. OR PIZZA. IT'S ME, DR DAVE!"

"Hush!" said I. Why had I become the voice of reason.

"Ah, shut up, Waskon," said Dr Dave. "I'm getting MIGHTY SICK of your crap. Once we have arrested the Chinaman I will challenge you to a Mario Kart duel on my Wii...and give you a jolly good thrashing!"

He opened the door. We stepped inside. I had my hand on my revolver. It was dark. I could even tell what type of room we were in.

"This feels like a trap," I said.

"Pfft!" said Dr Dave.

"But it's so dark!"

"The fool has forgot to even put the lights on!" said Dr Dave, triumphantly. "How EASY this was..." He found, as always he managed to do, the light switch and flicked it on.

The whole room was fool of robot ninjas.

"Robot ninjas!" said Dr Dave. "But how!"

"This was a trap, just like I said!" I said, annoyed at my friend. "There's so many of them, we must...

"GOING SOMEWHERE?" came a voice. I saw the door slam shut. There didn't seem to be anyone human in the room, but the voice was certainly that of a man...a man with a chinese accent.

"Who are you?" asked Dr Dave.

"It's obviously the Chinaman, what's WRONG with you?" I asked, grabbing my friend's arm and pulling him towards the door. I tried desperately to pry it open.

"I've been aware of your EVERY MOVE," said the voice. It sounded like it was coming from a speaker. "I sent you to my factory, but when you escaped that trap, I sent you to another, right here."

"The mentalist, Lou Carpentar, whatever his name is, he set us up!" said I.

"How did I not see this!" said Dr Dave.

"You're getting old," said the Chinaman. "Sluggish! It happens to everyone...EXCEPT ME. Not only have I defeated you, Dr Dave, but I've exposed your legendary brain power as the SHAM it is! You are feeble now...but don't worry. You won't have to suffer much longer. Ninjas? KILL THEM BOTH!"

And then the ninjas attacked. I fired off several shots with my relover, but in such close quarters I was scared I would hit Dr Dave. My friend swung his umbrella wildly, but missed all the robots.

"The sword!" I said. "Use the sword in your umbrealla."

Dr Dave opened his umbrella. But there was no sword inside. Just a big huge dildo.

"I brought the big huge dildo umbrella by mistake!" he said.

It was then I knew that this would be the day that I died.
 
The robot ninjas swarmed around Dr Dave. They had him where they wanted him.

"Don't kill him yet!" came the voice of the Chinaman, and a vile voice it was. "Torture him!" I saw the ninjas pulling out large feathers. They were going to tickle Dr Dave to near death. I could not allow that.

I took out one ninja who was molesting me with a bullet to its robot brain, and rolled to avoid another. I saw my chance. Five of the robots with feathers stood in a line, while another pulled Dr Dave's socks off. I fired my revolver, taking out all five of the feather holding robots with just one bullet. Dr Dave kicked away at the others. He got to his feet, but seemed to be having problems walked. I grabbed him and helped him to the door.

"It doesn't matter, Wackson, it's closed tight," he said. His eyes looked sad. He did not sound like my brave friend anymore.

"There must be something...DUCK!" said I, as a robot ninja launched a flying kick at me. It sailed over us and hit the door, kicking it open. We had our chance! Dr Dave and I ran out into the street. But my friend was staggering. He couldn't run in a straight line. We struggled along, the robot ninjas not far behind us.

"I can't do it!" said Dr Dave. "The Chinaman was right. I've got old, sluggish, both mentally and physically!"

"LISTEN TO ME" I shouted, in case he'd also gone deaf. "That can't be right! No one could lose their faculties so quickly! The Chinaman has done something to you! Even if it was just the power of his voice! You're still DR DAVE and you can still beat him!"

"I...yes, YES!" said he. "By jove, I've been a fool. Everyone has off moments. I won't let him defeat me! Come, I know where we can hide!" And he ran off, though still not quite in a straight line. We soon came to the Loktar's bench.

"Please free me!" said the pie-eater.

"You!" said Dr Dave. "We need to sit on your bench and pretend to be tourists! Get up!"

"That's your plan?" I asked, worried.

"It will work! Now MOVE, Loktar!"

"I can't, I'm chained to this bench!"

"I didn't lock the chains! You can leave anytime you want, remember? NOW MOVE!"

"But you did lock them!" said Loktar, and when I examined the chains I saw that he spoke true. The chains were locked. "Don't you remember, Dr Dave?"

"I...so I did," said Dr Dave, a strange tone to his voice. "I just...forgot. I forgot something, Wackson."

"It's okay, we'll do something else!" I said, seeing the robot ninjas approach.

"Wackson, hand me your revolver," said Dr Dave. I did so.

"Why do you need it?" I asked.

"I have lost my mind, Wackson, I have lost my deductive skills," said Dr Dave. "I am no use to anyone. Goodbye, my dear Wackson."

He put the revolver to his head and pulled the trigger.
 
It all happened so fast that I'd had no time to react to Dr Dave pulling the trigger. Then I instinctively rushed towards him. Of course, it didn't matter. The revolver hadn't been loaded.

"Wackson?" he asked, confused. "How am I still alive?"

"I used up all my bullets in combat," I said.

"I thought I'd kept count," said Dr Dave, dropping to his knees. His head dropped into his hands. "I THOUGHT I'D KEPT COUNT."

"Please, you have to keep fighting!" I said.

"Oh I'm afraid further resistence would be FUTILE," came a Chinese voice. I span around. The Chinaman stood before me, pointing a sword at Dr Dave, a mocking smile on his face. All around us were his robot ninjas. We were completely surrounded, just the two of us and the Loktar. There was no way out.

"And so we come to the final act," said Dr Dave. I looked in his face. He was utterly broken. He looked thirty years older. His eyes were almost those of the mentalist's. I felt sick in my heart looking at my friend reduced to this.

"I had hoped it would end this way," said the Chinaman. "I told my robot ninjas to hold back, to simply drive you out into the open, so that I could deal the killing stroke. And now here we are. You, utterly bested by me, begging for your life."

"I'm still a man," said Dr Dave. "Beg I do not." He tried to stand. He could barely get to his feet. He was a shambling mess.

"Are you actually going to try to fight me?" laughed the Chinaman. "With what?"

"Uhh, with this," said Dr Dave, feebly pulling the big huge dildo from his umbrella and shaking it at the Chinaman. The Chinaman roared with laughter.

"To think I once thought you my equal!" he said.

"You did something to him!" I said, unable to watch as my friend was humiliated. "What you said about him losing his wits, that wouldn't explain his current state!"

"Yes, of course I did something to him, I poisoned him!" said the Chinaman, proudly. The truth was finally out. "I poisoned him with a serum of my own devising, reducing him to the physically and mentally incapable MESS you see before you! But don't you see? The only reason I was capable of poisoning him was because he was ALREADY losing his wits! I outsmarted him at every turn! I got in the position to do this to him! That PROVES I'm the better man!"

"If you're so much better, why do this to me?" asked Dr Dave. He could barely keep his eyes open. They no longer burned with the passionate fire I'd always seen in them.

"To hurt you!" he said. "And now you die!"

"You'd kill a poisoned man armed only with a dildo?" asked Dr Dave. "I thought you were my better!"

"Oh but I am!"

"This is no way to prove it. You say we were never equals, and yet you'll only fight me now that I'm in a weakened state. Maybe...maybe we were equals before the poisoning after all."

"NO! We never were! I could beat you even if you hadn't been poisoned! In a fair fight!"

"Well, I have been poisoned...so it seems the only way to make this a fair fight is for YOU to drink the poison YOURSELF!

"You're trying to trick me!" said the Chinaman, scanning Dr Dave with his keen Chinese eyes.

"How could this possibly be a trick? You claim you can beat me on a level playing field? Then prove it. Unless...unless you're scared."

"THE CHINAMAN FEARS NOTHING!" he said. And with that he pulled out a bottle and drank from it.

After that, a series of remarkable events unfolded before my eyes. First, Dr Dave popped the top off his dildo, revealing that there was actually a SWORD encased inside the dildo. Then he stood up, perfectly calmly. I looked in his eyes as he did and, to my amazement, the fire was back! The passion! The intelligence! They were Dr Dave's eyes once more! And then he began to slowly walk over to the Chinaman. There was no stumbling. No weakness. He walked like the healthy Dr Dave of old. He smiled politely at the Chinaman and it was the smile of Dr Dave in his prime.

It was as if he'd never been poisoned at all.

Dr Dave pointed his dildo sword at the Chinaman. "And the Oscar goes to..." he said.
 
Now it was the Chinaman who looked crazed, as he stared at the perfectly healthy Dr Dave before him.

"This is a trick, you're acting!" he said.

"Not anymore," said Dr Dave.

"This whole time, the mistakes you made, you were faking!?" I asked, unable to remain silent.

"I'm sorry for the deception, Wackson, but it was necessary that I kept up the act, even in private, for I knew the Chinaman would be watching through his agents. I had to convince even you," said Dr Dave, a note of apology in his voice.

"But I spiked your water supply!" said the Chinaman. "You couldn't have known!"

"I wouldn't have, if not for my dear friend Wackson," said Dr Dave. "Think back, Wackson, remember the mild headache I suffered from? I thought nothing of it, so minor it was, until you made that remark."

"I said it could have been caused by bad cocaine," I recalled.

"Exactly!" said Dr Dave. "That got my mind racing, for of course there is no such thing as bad cocaine! I started thinking about what could have caused me headache, eliminated the improbable, and what remained, no matter how implausible, had to be the truth! And that truth had to be that my water supply had been spiked with a brain destroying serum!"

"Curse you!" said the Chinaman, to me. "I would have defeated Dr Dave at last if not for you!"

"That's the one thing you left out of your perfect equation, the one thing you couldn't understand," said Dr Dave. "Friendship."

"But you still came to my second trap! You did not deduce that I was actually paying Lou Carpentar sixty THREE pounds and that his loyalty lay with me! He gave you that address to send you right to me."

"Oh, I knew," said Dr Dave. "I purposely offered Lou Carpentar a lower amount than you would pay him. I know that sixty three is considered a LUCKY NUMBER in China! No, I gambled that you wouldn't want me to die a mere ninja robot death. You'd want to lure me out here so you could kill my myself, in my weakened state. But now it is YOU who are weakened by your own serum!"

"Ha! That is where you are MISTAKEN! For I did not drink from the brain destroying serum AT ALL!" And with that the Chinaman CHARGED at Dr Dave. I gasped. But Dr Dave remained calm.

"Stab yourself in the leg," he said to the Chinaman. To my astonishment, the Chinaman stabbed himself in the leg with his own sword.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" he cried. "How did you know I drank the OTHER serum!?"

"The one that makes you obey any command?" asked Dr Dave. "I deduced its existence some time ago. I knew you wouldn't drink the brain destroying serum, you're too slippery for that, but you would drink this one thinking I didn't know about it and its special properties. But I did know."

"HOW?! howled the Chinaman.

"Because of HER!" said Dr Dave, dramatically pointing to someone standing in the crowd of robot ninjas. It was Mollie...with an evil look on her face.
 
"Mollie!" I said. "Are you angry because of the Chinaman's wicked ways?"

"No, you moron, I'm angry because I'm WORKING FOR THE CHINAMAN!" she said.

"No!" said I.

"It's true, Wackson," said Dr Dave. "I had my suspicions right from the start, but had them confirmed when she came to visit us and insisted we go to the Chinaman's home address."

"Yes, even I thought that was odd," I said. "But surely someone as pretty as she, with so perfect a little nose, would not be working for a vile villain such as the Chinaman?"

"But I am!" said Mollie. "And I find him dead sexy too!" I covered my ears in shock.

"Yes, that puzzled me as well," I said. "But then I figured it out. Knowing the Chinaman's skill with creating serums, the only possible explanation was that he'd created a mind-control drug and given it to Mollie! For otherwise there was no way on God's green Earth that a nice, pretty young English girl such as she would work with the likes of him!"

"Come to think of it, he DID keep offering me drinks the first time we met..." said Mollie. The fog was lifting!

"So you think you have bested me, do you?" asked The Chinaman. "You think my last ally is gone? You forget, I still have my army of robot ninjas!"

"Do you?" asked Dr Dave, amused.

"Yes! And I will use them to take over London! I...wait, wheres' my control panel!?" He was searching frantically in his pockets for the control panel to activate the robot ninjas. "How could you have it!"

That was when the street arab re-entered our narrative.

"You've got to pick a pocket or two!" said the lad, handing the control panel to Dr Dave. We all laughed at that one, even Mollie!

"Now, it is time for you to tell me some truths," said Dr Dave. "I ORDER YOU to do so."

"Yes, master," said the Chinaman, unable to say no after drinking his own brain-controlling serum.

"Why have you not launched a full scale attack on London yet?" asked Dr Dave.

"A problem with the robot ninja machine," said the Chinaman.

"Yes," said Dr Dave, smiling as if he'd known what the Chinaman had said in advance. "Recall, Wackson, the red fabric you found lodged in the gears of the robot ninja machine."

"I recall you brushed it off at the time," said I. "A part of your act?"

"Of course," said Dr Dave. "I knew exactly what it was. Remember the missing scientist? His striking red hat?"

"By jove!" said I.

"That's right! The scientist was captured by the Chinaman, but he THREW HIMSELF into the gears of the robot ninja machine to halt production! The man was a hero!"

"You mean, he was...eww," said I, thinking of those terrible gears, imagining the scientist crushed inside them.

"Still, you would have repaired the machinery if not for Dr Dave and his friend Wackson!" said Dr Dave. "And here comes Inspector Tomtrek of the yard to arrest you!"

"What's all this then!" said Inspector Tomtrek, as he always did.

"Good!" said the Chinaman. "It will save me from you prattling! And I'd rather face jail than face HIS wrath..."

"His?" asked Dr Dave. The Chinaman almost spoke...but stopped himself.

"Even drugged I will tell you nothing of HIM," he said. "But when he comes for you...you'll know what I meant..."

"You lie," said Dr Dave. "There is no mysterious HIM. Take him away, officers!"

"What's all this then!" said Inspector Tomtrek of the Yard.

"Mollie, are you alright?" I asked.

"I think so...thanks to YOU!" she said.

And then was spontaneously kissed each other. For my sins, I enjoyed it more than any kiss I ever shared with my wife.
 
"I have nothing, Wackson," said Mollie. "Take me!"

"There's still, err, your brother?" I said, weakly. I had a wife, damn it. I was a well thought of doctor.

"He sold me to Chris Pine's devious cousin for sixty pounds!" said she.

"Yes...but I have a wife, my dear," I said. "We can never be together."

"OR CAN YOU?" asked Dr Dave, cryptically. "Mollie, meet us at my flat in ONE HOUR!"

She nodded. My friend and I made our way home, as the Chinaman was finally taken into custody. The police also begin gathering up his deactivated robot ninjas.

"What did he mean, when he said that he fears another man?" I asked.

"Just trying to scare me," said Dr Dave. "It did not work, the blaggard!" But I wondered if that was really what Dr Dave thought.

Presently we arrived at Baker Street. "What a case!" I said. "One I shall never forget."

"I had it all figured out pretty quickly," said Dr, dismissively. "Quite a disappointment in the end, I thought. So very simple. Indeed, there is only one loose end to tie up."

"What's that?" I asked.

"Why, you and Mollie. The two of you must begin an extra-marital affair!"

"Dr Dave!" I said. "That's..."

"Exactly what you want?"

"Well, yes, of course! But I can't. If we were seen together..."

"Oh, but I have the perfect venue to host your dalliances. The secret passageway leading to the tobacco shop! You'll recall that it is quite roomy!"

"Why...yes," I said. "It is, but..."

"She'll be here soon, get ready!" he said, smiling. He was such a giving friend. "And I'll be pressing my ear up against the wall to hear the sex noises, be sure of that!"

"But my wife will be wondering where I am," I said. That nagger.

"Oh, not to worry, I sent Inspector Tomtrek of the Yard and his lady over with a FINE HAM to enjoy with your wife."

"She loves ham! That will keep her busy!" I hugged Dr Dave spontaneously. We both felt embarrassed after. But it had felt right.

"Let us never speak of that again," said Dr Dave, in good humour.

"I'm just so grateful," said I. "You go above and beyond the call of friendship for me.

"Nonsense!" said Dr Dave. "You help me with my work so it makes sense to keep you at your best! And every man needs a mistress, Wackson!"

"My dear fellow," I laughed. "Then who is YOUR mistress?"

"The sciences!" said Dr Dave, gesturing dramatically to his experiment table. But as he did so, he noticed an envelope lying on it with his name written on it. His expression grew darker. I walked over and picked up the envelope.

"What's this?" I asked. "Someone must have put it here..."

"Read it to me, Wackson," said Dr Dave firmly.

"My devious Dr Dave," I read. "I am back in town and looking for some fun. You know the sort I mean. Can't wait to catch up. So excited!" That was all, but the signature.

"And the name at the bottom, Wackson," he said. I could tell he already knew what it said. "Read it to me."

"Why," I said in surprise. "It is signed by...Miss Tisiphone Adler!"

"THE WOMAN," said Dr Dave.

THE END

BUT DR DAVE WILL RETURN IN 'THE BETTER HALF OF ME'
 
DIRECTOR'S COMMENTARY: I purposely mapped the whole stole (in my head) and kept it short because in the past when I've made these things up when I go along they ended up being too long and I never finish them.
 
CaptainWacky said:
DIRECTOR'S COMMENTARY: I purposely mapped the whole stole (in my head) and kept it short because in the past when I've made these things up when I go along they ended up being too long and I never finish them.
Click to expand...

Yeah....

*waits and waits for USS Kelvin episode 3 and moar Harry Potter parody stories*
 
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