FHM's 100 sexiest 2013 (annotated)

[CaptainWacky]

This is the UK list, of course (but even if you're from the UK you still won't have heard of half of them.) Umolested list first, comments to follow...

1. Mila Kunis
2. Rihanna
3. Helen Flanagan
4. Michelle Keegan
5. Kelly Brook
6. Kaley Cuoco
7. Pixie Lott
8. Kate Upton
9. Cheryl Cole
10. Georgia Salpa
11. Tulisa Contostavlos
12. Taylor Swift
13. Jorgie Porter
14. Rosie Jones
15. Rita Ora
16. Katy Perry
17. Megan Fox
18. Mollie King
19. Beyonce Knowles
20. Jennifer Lawrence
21. Keeley Hazell
22. Amanda Seyfried
23. Holly Willoughby
24. Mellisa Clarke
25. Jennifer Metcalfe
26. Millie Mackintosh
27. Christina Hendricks
28. Vanessa Hudgens
29. Laura Whitmore
30. Kimberley Walsh
31. Zooey Deschanel
32. Selena Gomez
33. Emilia-Clarke
34. Jennifer Aniston
35. Emily Atack
36. Emma Stone
37. Frankie Sandford
38. Kim Kardashian
39. Victoria Pendleton
40. Daisy Lowe
41. Roxanne McKee
42. Laura Trott
43. Charlie Webster
44. Hetti Bywater
45. Rosie Huntington-Whiteley
46. Lyndsy Fonseca
47. Jessica Ennis
48. Seren Gibson
49. Scarlett Johannson
50. Georgia May Foote
51. Brittney Palmer
52. Cher Lloyd
53. Lana Del Rey
54. Nicole Scherzinger
55. Perrie Edwards
56. Miranda Kerr
57. Alison Brie
58. Pippa Middleton
59. Katrina Bowden
60. Hannah Simone
61. Jenna-Louise Coleman
62. Berenice Marlohe
63. Juno Temple
64. Gemma Atkinson
65. Jennifer Love Hewitt
66. Millie Clode
67. Jade Ewen
68. Jessie J
69. Rachel Bilson
70. Caroline Flack
71. Amanda-Byram
72. Emma Watson
73. Louise Thompson
74. Kristin Kreuk
75. Candice Swanepoel
76. Lea Michele
77. Fearne Cotton
78. Hayley Williams
79. Arianny Celeste
80. Ashley Roberts
81. Hannah Tointon
82. Carly Rae Jepsen
83. Lacey Banghard
84. Mary Elizabeth Winstead
85. Britney Spears
86. Gemma Merna
87. Eva Mendes
88. Franziska Klein
89. Lucy Collett
90. Rachel Riley
91. Kristen Stewart
92. Rachel Shenton
93. Linda Barker
94. Imogen Poots
95. Layla Anna-Lee
96. Susanna Reid
97. Olivia Godfrey
98. Chloe Cummings
99. Nathalie Emmanuel
100. Sofia Vergara

 

[CaptainWacky]

I should point out (if I haven't made it obvious over the years) that I don't always find things which everyone else finds sexy to be "sexy" and that these are just my opinions on what appeals to me and not objective facts and really this is just a reminder that I'm barely even sexually interested in women which makes me obsession all the more scary...anyway...


1. Mila Kunis - Yeah, okay, I like her. Wouldn't be my number one but she's nice at least.
2. Rihanna - I don't find her sexy.
3. Helen Flanagan - Some soap bint. Doesn't seem interesting.
4. Michelle Keegan - See above but add a ridiculous tan.
5. Kelly Brook - I like her.
6. Kaley Cuoco - I don't get it.
7. Pixie Lott
8. Kate Upton - Doesn't appeal to me.
9. Cheryl Cole - Is she still a big thing 2013?
10. Georgia Salpa - The best looking Celebrity Big Brother contestant since it moved to Channel 5!
11. Tulisa Contostavlos - Her?
12. Taylor Swift - Her face is a bit...hard?
13. Jorgie Porter
14. Rosie Jones
15. Rita Ora - I don't know these people and can't be bothered looking them all up. Looked up this one and didn't get it.
16. Katy Perry - Meh.
17. Megan Fox - Still?
18. Mollie King
19. Beyonce Knowles - I think they just want to look not racist by sticking one non-white person in there.
20. Jennifer Lawrence - I like her! Good ranking.
21. Keeley Hazell - Gagh liked her I think.
22. Amanda Seyfried - She's the highest ranked person on the Wacky Hot One Hundred to make it so far. I approve.
23. Holly Willoughby - Big breasts.
24. Mellisa Clarke
25. Jennifer Metcalfe
26. Millie Mackintosh
27. Christina Hendricks - I prefer other women in Mad Men. She's still great, obviously.
28. Vanessa Hudgens - Is she actually "sexy"? (I'm not saying she isn't, I really don't know.)
29. Laura Whitmore
30. Kimberley Walsh
31. Zooey Deschanel - She just leaves me cold.
32. Selena Gomez - I can't tell her and Vanessa Hudgens apart.
33. Emilia-Clarke - YES. Very similar ranking to her space on the WHOH.
34. Jennifer Aniston - HER?
35. Emily Atack
36. Emma Stone - I like her. Nice face.
37. Frankie Sandford
38. Kim Kardashian - LOL.
39. Victoria Pendleton - At least she's famous for something worthy.
40. Daisy Lowe
41. Roxanne McKee - She played Doreah on GOT...I'm guessing she's famous for something else too (she is attractive.)
42. Laura Trott
43. Charlie Webster
44. Hetti Bywater - Just randomly looked this one up and she's only on because she's on Eastenders.
45. Rosie Huntington-Whiteley - She's actually better than Megan Fox.
46. Lyndsy Fonseca
47. Jessica Ennis - Eh, okay.
48. Seren Gibson
49. Scarlett Johannson - She's nice!
50. Georgia May Foote - Looked her up, felt nothing.
51. Brittney Palmer
52. Cher Lloyd - What lol.
53. Lana Del Rey - Really?
54. Nicole Scherzinger - I can see why she would be considered "hot."
55. Perrie Edwards - Looks about twelve.
56. Miranda Kerr
57. Alison Brie - Okay I really like Alsion Brie and I'm happy she's on the list (should be higher) but how can she make it and not Gillian Jacobs? Surely everyone would know them both.
58. Pippa Middleton - I find her kind of dull (I'm sure she's a nice person!)
59. Katrina Bowden
60. Hannah Simone - Randomly googled...her face looks exactly the same in every pic.
61. Jenna-Louise Coleman - Yes, she's great.
62. Berenice Marlohe
63. Juno Temple - I like her. A rising star! Good ranking.
64. Gemma Atkinson - Got excited thinking this said "Gemma Arterton" but no...it's some girl with fake tits.
65. Jennifer Love Hewitt - How does she make it? No offense to Hambil but who else actually likes her?
66. Millie Clode
67. Jade Ewen
68. Jessie J - Meh.
69. Rachel Bilson - Big head small body.
70. Caroline Flack
71. Amanda-Byram
72. Emma Watson - I like her!
73. Louise Thompson
74. Kristin Kreuk - Really? She's still famous?
75. Candice Swanepoel
76. Lea Michele - The weird-faced one from Glee?
77. Fearne Cotton - Umm, I dont think she's bad or anything but it's really weird she's on a 100 sexiest list.
78. Hayley Williams
79. Arianny Celeste
80. Ashley Roberts
81. Hannah Tointon - I think I remember this name from somewhere.
82. Carly Rae Jepsen - She's cute...where's the much hotter Avril Lavigne?
83. Lacey Banghard - Meh.
84. Mary Elizabeth Winstead - One of my favourites, really strange that she made this list as she's not really hugely famous...but I approve.
85. Britney Spears - STILL?
86. Gemma Merna
87. Eva Mendes
88. Franziska Klein
89. Lucy Collett
90. Rachel Riley - She's good!
91. Kristen Stewart - I don't hate her and I've defended her looks before but I don't know if anyone finds her "sexy".
92. Rachel Shenton
93. Linda Barker - Ahahahahahaahahaha...what...
94. Imogen Poots - Shocked she's famous enough to make it...she's cute.
95. Layla Anna-Lee
96. Susanna Reid
97. Olivia Godfrey
98. Chloe Cummings
99. Nathalie Emmanuel - I guess she's famous for something other than being Missandei on GOT but yes she's definitely hot.
100. Sofia Vergara

Notable (TO ME) names not on the list: Natalie Portman, Olivia Wilde, Michelle Trachtenberg, Gillian Jacobs, Kat Dennings, Kate Beckinsale, Jessica Biel, Anne Hathaway, Gemma Arterton, Anna Kendrick...I COULD go on but surely some of them are famous enough to make it.

Really I should have refused to comment at all for leaving off Natalie.

 

[Loktar]

Not bad. I know about one third of them.

 

[headvoid]

Linda Barker? That must be some sort of troll.

It's actually quite funny, but FHM are really are not known for their self deprecating humour!

 

[Cock]

Sofia vergara at 100? Was this whole thing just a shot at her?

She is undistiiled sex incarnate. Forget about "hot". She is molten.

This list was compiled by a gay British hen pecked liar faggot. You should be ashamed for posting it, wacky.

 

[I Love Cunt]

Sofia vergara at 100? Was this whole thing just a shot at her?

She is undistiiled sex incarnate. Forget about "hot". She is molten.

This list was compiled by a gay British hen pecked liar faggot. You should be ashamed for posting it, wacky.

It is done. Wacky will post his own list perhaps.

See, I would of had Tandie Newton, and then like Sandra Bullock or something, and the list would just go to crap after that.

Your comments are very entertaining Wacky!

 

[CaptainWacky]

I posted it to make fun of it, not to endorse it.

 

[whisky]

Rather than comment on every one, I will just delete those I havent heard of, and comment on those who should be in a different position.

1. Mila Kunis, Hot, but not number 1
2. Rihanna, thought this was a hot list, not a hit list
5. Kelly Brook, bang tidy
9. Cheryl Cole, why eye man
16. Katy Perry, still can light my firework any day
17. Megan Fox, no skanks please
19. Beyonce Knowles, 10 years ago maybe, when she wasnt insane
22. Amanda Seyfried, should be much higher
23. Holly Willoughby, ditto
28. Vanessa Hudgens, nice, but should be lower
31. Zooey Deschanel, higher
34. Jennifer Aniston, I guess she would be a milf if she had kids
49. Scarlett Johannson, should be higher, but liked her more before she lost weight
61. Jenna-Louise Coleman, fit, but disapointing small tits when the bra comes off
72. Emma Watson, never really seen the attraction.
74. Kristin Kreuk, should be higher
77. Fearne Cotton, can be ok
85. Britney Spears, 20 years ago
100. Sofia Vergara, seriously, did they slip when they typed the zero? She is top ten material.

 

[Loktar]

Never seen the attraction for Kristin Kreuk. I'm surprised she isn't the one playing the Beast in the Beauty and the Beast TV show.

Emma Watson otoh gets hotness points(awarded by me) just for being a redhead.

 

[Cock]

I posted it to make fun of it, not to endorse it.

In that case, the vodka takes back what it made me say.

 

[Eggs Mayonnaise]

I only bought this issue for the hot WOMEN OF THE GOOD LIFE pictorial.

And yet they didn't make the list -- heads will roll.

 

[CaptainWacky]

Felicity Kendal is sweetly pretty and I want to protect her.

 

[CaptainWacky]

Here is the (US) Maxim list. I'm not commenting on individuals this time...

# 100
Dessie Mitcheson
# 99
Ashley Sky
# 98
Rebecca Mader
# 97
Daniella Alonso
# 96
Kellie Pickler
# 95
Zooey Deschanel
# 94
Dawn Olivieri
# 93
Lynsi Torres
# 92
Kenda Perez
# 91
Allison Williams
# 90
Levin rambin
# 89
April Rose
# 88
Elisabeth Harnois
# 87
Katie Cassidy
# 86
Rocsi Diaz
# 85
Aubrey Plaza
# 84
Alice Eve
# 83
Kat Dennings
# 82
Ashley Benson
# 81
Maggie Grace
# 80
Jamie Chung
# 79
Hoda Kotb
# 78
Ke$ha
# 77
Janina Gavankar
# 76
Emma Roberts
# 75
Natalie Martinez
# 74
Rachel Bilson
# 73
Katharine McPhee
# 72
Jessica Chastain
# 71
Sara Underwood
# 70
Nina Agdal
# 69
Manti Te'o's Fake Girlfriend
# 68
Anne V
# 67
Brittney Palmer
# 66
Joanna Krupa
# 65
Emilia Clarke
# 64
Candice Swanepoel
# 63
Stacy Keibler
# 62
Cameron Diaz
# 61
Emily VanCamp
# 60
Stana Katic
# 59
Brooklyn Decker
# 58
Amber Heard
# 57
Eva Mendes
# 56
Emmy Rossum
# 55
Rachel McAdams
# 54
Kamala Harris
# 53
Shakira
# 52
Bar Paly
# 51
Brittany Snow
# 50
Lake Bell
# 49
Sofia Vergara
# 48
Nina Dobrev
# 47
Ashley Greene
# 46
Yvonne Strahovski
# 45
Naya Rivera
# 44
Sarah Hyland
# 43
Jordana Brewster
# 42
Rosie Huntington-Whiteley
# 41
Malin Akerman
# 40
Julianne Hough
# 39
Lea Michele
# 38
Zoe Saldana
# 37
Amanda Seyfried
# 36
Leighton Meester
# 35
Bérénice Marlohe
# 34
Adrianne Palicki
# 33
Sarah Shahi
# 32
Kaley Cuoco
# 31
Charlize Theron
# 30
Hayden Panettiere
# 29
Ronda Rousey
# 28
Olivia Munn
# 27
Danielle Fishel
# 26
Demi Lovato
# 25
Katrina Bowden
# 24
Blake Lively
# 23
Heather Graham
# 22
Christina Hendricks
# 21
Emma Stone
# 20
Megan Fox
# 19
Emma Watson
# 18
Arianny Celeste
# 17
Jessica Alba
# 16
Olivia Wilde
# 15
Scarlett Johansson
# 14
Beyonce
# 13
Taylor Swift
# 12
Kate Beckinsale
# 11
Katy Perry
# 10
Elisha Cuthbert
# 9
Vanessa Hudgens
# 8
Kate Upton
# 7
Ashley Tisdale
# 6
Jennifer Love Hewitt
# 5
Jennifer Lawrence
# 4
Mila Kunis
# 3
Rihanna
# 2
Selena Gomez
# 1
Miley Cyrus

I mean there are some good people on this list who aren't on the FHM list, at least. But...Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens all in the top ten? That feels pretty weird. And Miley is number one. Miley Cyrus. The hottest woman. In the world.

 

[Fuddlemiff]

Not surprised Linda Barker's on there, actually. She did look pretty damn good on Splash considering her age (50+ I believe), so I can see older readers voting for her.

Weird how 90% of them are people you've never heard of. I guess all those 'glamour' model bints have cult followings.

 

[Eggs Mayonnaise]

Apparently Maxim wants to sell magazines in the red states too.

 

[CaptainWacky]

Do I want to know what Manti Te'o's Fake Girlfriend is?