FIGHTING CACTUS!

[CaptainWacky]

(In Chandler's hospital room. He is in a coma. Phoebe is sitting by his bed. Ross comes in. He looks concerned for Chandler, but a look of disgust comes over his face when he sees Phoebe. She can barely look at him.)

Phoebe: Oh, it's...you.

Ross: Great, you're here.

Phoebe: Just the fuck up, Ross, we're here for Chandler.

Ross: Cunt tried to kill himself. I can't believe it.

Phoebe: Life can be hard, Ross.

Ross: Yeah, I guess that's why people turn to retarded religions.

Phoebe: Don't start that again!

Ross: Just shut your ignorant mouth and we'll be fine.

Phoebe: My opinions are just as valid as yours, Ross.

Ross: NO THEY'RE FUCKING NOT AND STOP SAYING MY NAME.

Phoebe: You're close-minded, always have been! Science doesn't have all the answers!

Ross: YES IT DOES YOU EMPTY-HEADED BINT.

Phoebe: You belief in science is the same as my beliefe in a high power, it's all just faith.

Ross: SCIENCE IS A METHOD, NOT A BELIEF, YOU FUCKING WHORE.

Phoebe: Stop shouting, Ross!

(He jabs his finger right in her face.)

Ross: Say my name one more time, bitch. I dare you to.

Phoebe: Get your fucking finger out of my face, Ross.

Ross: SAY IT.

(Phoebe bites his finger. Ross slaps her.)

Ross: YOU FUCKING SLUT.

Phoebe: You...you hit me.

Ross: Wish I'd done it sooner.

Phoebe: If this is what believing in science does to a man, I'll take the Goddess any day.

Ross: You're just begging me to kick your cunt in.

Phoebe: You'd like to touch my cunt, wouldn't you. Remember that time in the pool table.

Ross: Never again, bitch. Never again.

Phoebe: You sure? I caught you wanking to my sex tape once...

Ross: I WASN'T WANKING. I had the tissues because I was crying in DISGUST at you doing a sex tape with that ######.

Phoebe: Oh so now you're a racist too.

Ross: HIS NAME WAS CHAD ######.

Phoebe: STOP SHOUTING, SCUM.

(The dives at Ross, her arms flailing wildly. He blocks her attacks.)

Ross: I do hate blacks, actually. What do you think of that?

Phoebe: Not very scientific of you.

Ross: No...but it feels good.

Phoebe: Like your erection pressing against me?

(Ross kisses he roughly.)

Ross: Got to admit it doesn't feel bad.

Phoebe: Let's fuck like animals on Chandler's corpse.

Ross: I've wanted you for so long...

(They start fucking on Chandler's bed. He wakes up.)

Chandler: Monica...you slut...

(Ross punches Chanlder back into his coma.)

Ross: THAT'S MY SISTER YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Rachel is in the elevator in the hospital on her way to see Chandler. There is a DOCTOR there too and another man standing in the corner hiding his face.)

Rachel: Come on, hurry up, stupid elevator, I'm already late to see stupid Chanlder.

Doctor: You mean mister Bing? I'm his doctor.

Rachel: How's the fucktard doing? He's always fucking up, I don't know why we're still friends!

Doctor: He's in a very criticial condition...

Rachel: That'll be right!

(SUDDENLY the elevator STOPS.)

Rachel: What the fuck?

Doctor: That's strange...

Rachel: We're fucking stuck here!

Doctor: With nothing to do...

(The doctor looks Rachel up and down. His eyes stop on her breasts. She looks at his crotch.)

Rachel: Nice bulge, doc.

Doctor: I really shouldn't fuck strangers in elevators, but...

(SUDDENLY the other man his the doctor with a SOCK FULL OF DIMES.)

Rachel: Oh shit! I forgot you were there!

(He throws his hood back to reveal GUNTHER.)

Gunther: Typical...you're always forgetting me.

Rachel: G...G...GUNTHER!?!?!?!

Gunther: That's right, sweetcheeks. I'm back. For you.

Rachel: But you're dead!

Gunther: Joey ran me down in his car? Yeah, that cunt. But he didn't kill me, bitch. None of you fuckers even checked if I was alive! I was rebuilt, IN THIS VERY HOSPITAL. I almost died so many times. But you know what kept me alive? DO YOU KNOW?

Rachel: Umm...

Gunther: MY DESIRE TO RAPE YOU.

Rachel: Oh. That's not good.

Gunther: Do you have ANY idea the pain and suffering I've been through ALL BECAUSE OF YOU? I used to masturbate to you, Rachel, masturbate to you SO HARD. But you never noticed! I'd stand in Central Perk openly wanking behind the counter while you had stupid banter with your fuckstick friends. YOU NEVER EVEN LOOKED. I'd cum in coffee mugs and watch you drink it down. YOU NEVER REALISED YOU WERE DRINKING ME SPUNK. You sicken me!

Rachel: Yeah, YOU'RE the one who should be feeling sick after I find out I've been drinking your cum...

Gunther: Oh don't act all pure and innocent, you cum-guzzling whore, you've had so many diseased cocks in your mouth it's a wonder you can taste anything!

Rachel: I thought you loved me, Gunther. Why would you want to hurt me?

Gunther: BECAUSE YOU'RE A WOMAN!

(Gunther grabs Rachel...but she knees him in the balls. He falls to his knees. Rachel grabs the SOCK FULL OF DIMES and hits Gunther over the head with it. He moans in pain.)

Rachel: Fuck...you...Cunther...

(The kicks him in the face with her steel-toed boots. She kicks him again and again. His blood splatters against the wall of the elevator. She keeps kicking and kicking. She laughs as she does so.)

Rachel: DIE, DIE, FUCKING DIE...HAHAHAHAHA!

(Eventually she collapses in exhaustaion.)

Rachel: It was self defence...it was...

(The doctor wakes up.)

Doctor: What...what the fuck?

(Rachel quickly presses her crotch up against his face.)

Rachel: You like that? You like how that feels? You like how that smells?

Doctor: God yes.

Rachel: Help me cover this up...and you get to taste it.

Doctor: Oh God yes.

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Monica and Joey walk into Chandler's hospital room. He's still in a coma. Ross and Phoebe are there. They've obviously just fucked.)

Joey: About time!

Phoebe: Piss off, Joey.

Monica: Is there any change?

Ross: No, Phoebe's still a bitch.

Phoebe: Fuck your eyes.

Monica: I mean with Chandler!

Joey: He'll be fine! You can't keep the Chan-Chan man down! He'll fight this!

Monica: He tried to kill himself, you idiot, he doesn't want to fight this.

Joey: He'll change his mind!

(Rachel walks in.)

Rachel: Sorry I'm late, I had something to take care of...

Ross: Who have you been fucking?

Rachel: None of your business anymore, Ross. This pussy doesn't belong to you.

Ross: Never did, the way you put it around.

Rachel: Hey, you cheated on me with the whore from the copy place.

Ross: WE WERE ON A BREAK! A CUNTING BREAK!

(Chandler wakes up.)

Chandler: Yeesh, Ross, you could wake the dead with that scream!

Ross: FUCK YOU, BING!

Monica: He's awake! Oh god he's awake! Somebody get a doctor!

(Joey runs out.)

Monica: I love you, Chandler.

Chandler: Sure you do...

(Joey comes in with a sexy black female doctor.)

Ross: What the FUCK?

Doctor: Let me take a look at him...

(Ross steps in the way.)

Ross: Keep your black hands away from my best friend.

Phoebe: ROSS!

Ross: Oh shut up, cunt. You were all thinking it.

Joey: I wasn't! I was thinking she could take those black hands my way, in fact...

Phoebe: You can't be racist, Ross!

Ross: Fuck you. I have SCIENTIFIC PROOF that blacks have smaller brains than non blacks. I wouldn't trust a black doctor to look after my monkey Marcel, let alone Chandler! And Marcel is DEAD.

Rachel: Look, we all have racist thoughts, all the time...we all know deep down that nig...sorry, black people are genetically inferior. No offense, doc, but it's the truth! But you don't say those things out loud, Ross!

Monica: How did you end up so racist? I'm going to ask mom and dad!

(Monica storms out.)

Ross: You fucking do that...

(Ross storms out.)

Phoebe: Come back here, you sexy racist!

(Phoebe runs out.)

Rachel: I don't actually give a fuck about Chandler so I'm just going to leave.

(Rachel leaves. Joey looks at the doctor.)

Joey: How YOU doin'?

Doctor: I suppose you're going to leave too, can't stand to see a black doctor touch your friend.

Joey: Hey, I'm not a racist! The only "ist" I am is sexist!

Doctor: That's how I like my men. Take me, you brute. Rich here on your friend's bed.

Chandler: I'm still here, you know.

(The doctor presses a button and Chandler passes out.)

Joey: Umm, did you just kill him?

Doctor: Nah, just put him back in a coma so we can fuck on his bed.

Joey: Great!

(THEY FUCK.)

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Monica barges into her parents' house.)

Monica: I want some fucking answers!

(Her mother and father are sitting around a table with Richard OR TOM SELECK AS YOU MAY KNOW HIM.)

Monica: Richard?!

Richard: Hi Monica. You always knew how to make an entrance!

Dad(ELLIOT GOULD): Monica, what are you barging in like that for?

Mom(SOME WOMAN): Is something wrong with Ross?

Monica: Yeah, you would jump to that conclusion first, you old cow. He's always the first one you think of!

Mom: No, the first one I think of is you. As in I'm thinking "how has Monica fucked up this time." Had a kid yet, Monica? Oh wait, you can't even give me grandchildren, you barren wench.

Monica: FUCK YOU!

(Monica goes to slap her mom but her dad stops her and roughly throws her to the ground.)

Richard: Look, this is a family matter, I should go.

Dad: Want a go on Monica first?

Richard: Come on, there's no need for that...

Dad: You've already fucked her dry. I'll never forgive you for touching my little girl, Richard. Never.

Richard: I thought we were making progress here!

Dad: GET OUt.

Richard: I'm sorry, Monica.

Monica: You're just going to let them beat me up, like they did all throughout my childhood?

Mom: YOU DESERVED THAT, YOU WERE FAT.

Richard: It's family business. Besides, I've never forgiven you for choosing that pussy Chanlder over me.

(Richard spits on Monica and leaves. She fights back tears.)

Dad: Now can we talk like adults without our usual violence? What's going on, Monica?

Monica: It's Ross, okay. He's a racist. A fucking open racist. Still your favourite child?

Mom: That's...that's terrible...

Monica: Finally!

Mom: He wasn't supposed to go pulbic yet!

Monica: What do you mean...you KNEW?

Dad: Of course, sweetie. We're racists too. We taught Ross to hate the genetically inferior.

Monica: WHAT!? NO! NO! I know you two are evil but COME ON!

Mom: It's true. It's time to show her.

(Dad opens a SECRET DOOR.)

Dad: Through here, Monica. It's time for you to grow up at last.

(Monica and her parents walk into a SECRET ROOM. There are NAZI BANNERS and PAINTINGS OF HITLER all over the place.)

Monica: Oh no...oh God no...

Dad: Hitler is lord, Monica.

Monica: BUT WE'RE JEWISH, DAD. WE'RE FUCKING JEWS!

Mom: No, Monica. That was just a lie we made up to cover up our racism. My parents were nazis. So were your father's. We were born in Nazi Germany. Our Lord Hitler died when were were just children, and we had to come to America disguised as Jews. For the last sixty five years we have been working towards our goal. We gave birth to our genetically selected scientific genius son Ross. It was destiny all along. We were bred for it. Sadly we also had you...that wasn't part of the plan. But Ross, we love Ross. He quickly became indoctrined by our views. He has been working for us, with his science.

Monica: Working on what?

Dad: A virus, sweetie. We're going to kill all the non whites with a virus created by Ross.

Monica: I can't listen to this!

Mom: There's one more thing...

(She pulls back a CURTAIN revealing a CLONE OF HITLER in a big tank.)

Dad: Ross cloned Lord Hitler. He'll be back with us soon. To rule the world. HIEL HITLER!

Monica: I can't...no! NO! What the fuck!? What do you expect me to do now?

Mom: That's easy, Monica. Join us or die.

 

[Homo Erectus]

*grabs dog and shakes it HARD to change the channel*

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Rachel and the doctor who help her dispose of Gunther have met up in CENTRAL PARK.)

Rachel: Hey.

Doctor: I can't believe we got away with it.

Rachel: Well we did, Doc. We killed a man.

Doctor: It's amazing. I mean, it's horrible, I guess. But...wow. We got away with it.

Rachel: And you know what else? Nothing feels different. I killed Gunther...the world didn't end. I don't feel like less of a person. If anything, I feel more alive than ever.

Doctor: I know what you mean. Sometimes...just sometimes if I'm wanting to get off work early...I don't try my hardest with my patients. Just the really old or really ill ones. Sometimes...I let them die.

Rachel: Just to get home early?

Doctor: Yes.

Rachel: Oh God that's hot.

Doctor: I let any 80 year old woman die just an hour ago so I could come meet you.

Rachel: Fuck me, right here, on this bench, in public.

Doctor: YES.

(They start fucking on the park bench. People watch. We see someone watching from the bushes. Someone with a horribly mangled face. It's Gunther! He's alive!)

Gunther: Yes, that's right Rachel, fuck like the slut you are. Fuck in the knowledge that you killed me. EXCEPT YOU DIDN'T! I can't die! Not as long as my hatred for you sustains me! I woke in that skip where you and your new fuckbuddy had dumped me and the first thing I thought to myself was "I WILL rape Rachel Green." I'm going to rape you, Rachel. Then you'll see. THEN YOU'LL FINALLY SEE! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

(PULL BACK to reveal JOEY and the BLACK NURSE walking through Central Park. Joey spots Gunther.)

Joey: Oh no, it's Gunther! I haven't seen him since I ran him over! He's watching Rachel and laughing evily...maybe he's planning to rape her? I better warn her.

Nurse: No.

Joey: No?

Nurse: Rachel is as racist as they come, Joey.

Joey: Well, yeah, but she's my friend...

Nurse: You heard the horrible things she said about me!

Joey: Yeah, that was disgusting...but she's always been kind of a stuck-up bitch. She doesn't dserve to be raped...doesn't she?

Nurse: Doesn't she? You told me you used to fuck her, but she dumped you for that Ross asshole? Then she dumped him too?

Joey: Yeah, she gets around!

Nurse: She's a racist slut, Joey. She deserves whatever that deformed man is going to do to her. She deserves it.

Joey: You're...you're right. Rachel is evil. I'm through with her and Ross too. I have you now.

Nurse: Everything is going according to plan.

Joey: Huh, what?

Nurse: I mean, uhh...kiss me!

Joey: How YOU doin'!

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Phoebe comes back into Chandler's hospital room. He has just woken up from his coma again. He groans when he sees Phoebe.)

Phoebe: I can't find Ross...I can't believe he's a racist. Or that I fucked him on your bed. What was I thinking!

Chandler: I don't know.

Phoebe: Come on, you used to come up with really funny quips! WHAT WAS I THINKING?

Chandler: I DON'T FUCKING KNOW. Stop trying to set me up for quips.

Phoebe: God, you're no fun anymore.

Chandler: Sorry.

Phoebe: Maybe you were brain damaged when the car hit you.

Chandler: Yeah.

Phoebe: I just wish you'd hurry up and feel better! It's a bright sunny day, we could be out having fun!

Chandler: Feel free to leave then!

Phoebe: Hey, maybe I could sing to you! That could aide your recovery!

Chandler: No, please, if you ever cared about me as a friend...just fuck off.

Phoebe: Smelly owl, smelly owl, why are you hooting so, smelly owl, smelly owl, hoot hoot hoo!

Chandler: YAAAAAAAAAARGH!

Phoebe: Yeesh!

(Phoebe exits as MONICA enters.)

Chandler: Oh, it's you. Fucked any good Joeys lately?

Monica: You saw us together. That's why you tried to kill yourself.

Chandler: Don't flatter yourself, slut. This isn't all about you. Things have been going downhill for a long time. Ever since...

Monica: Ever since you became impotent.

Chandler: YEAH, THANKS FOR BRINGING THAT UP.

Monica: It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Chandler: So why did you tell me not to tell anyone about it?

Monica: I was embarrassed!

Chandler: YOU were embarrassed? How do you think I felt!

Monica: Like a pathetic excuse for a man?

Chandler: Then I lost my job and had to start mugging women for money...it's no wonder you turned to Joey's cock for satisfaction.

Monica: Yeah, I can't really be blamed. But Chandler, we can make things work now!

Chandler: How?

(Monica rolls up her sleeve revealing a nazi armband. She climbs until Chandler.)

Monica: By killing non whites together.

Chandler: WHAT THE FUCK!

Monica: It's true. My parents and Ross have shown me the way. Joing me.

Chandler: You sicken me!

Monica: Then why do you have a hard-on for the first time in six months?

Chandler: I...

(Monica climbs onto Chandler's cock.)

Monica: Don't fight it. Nazis are sexy. Everyone knows it.

Chandler: OH GOD YES.

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Phoebe has returned to her apartment. She opens the door and steps inside. She turns the light on. Ross is sitting on her couch looking evil. Phoebe shrieks.)

Phoebe: EEEEK! Ross! You scared me! You could have been anyone, you could have been a rapist!

Ross: I'm not Joey.

Phoebe: Hey, none of those charges stuck. Some of the girls even slept with Joey again when he was brought in for questioning!

Ross: Yes, well, that's not why I'm here...

Phoebe: Why are you here, waiting for me?

Ross: You know, despite it all, despite your retarded beliefs...I still like you. Always have. Mabye it's just lust, I don't know. But I have a certain affection for you. So I wanted to give you a chance to choose the winning team. My team.

Phoebe: You're not making any sense. Do you just want to have sex again? Because I could do that, as long as you don't take the Lord's name in vain!

Ross: A war is coming, Phoebe. And I will be there. With my science. I'm going to wipe them out, Phoebe.

Phoebe: Who?

Ross: THE BLACKS.

Phoebe: ...what?

Ross: I have designed a disease which will kill all the blacks. I'm going to release it tomorrow. They will all die. Chaos will fall on New York City. Many more will die. That cannot be heped. Stand by my side, Phoebe. Help me kill them all.

Phoebe: ...WHAT!?

Ross: Join me or die. I cannot tolerate betrayal.

Phoebe: I would be betraying everything I ever believed in if I joined you! Racism is WRONG, Ross!

Ross: But my science...

Phoebe: FUCK your science!

Ross: And so you die. MARCEL.

Phoebe: Marcel is dead!

Ross: The original, yes. I experimented on him until he could take no more. But there are clones. IMRPOVED CLONES!

(Evil clones of Marcel the monkey attack Phoebe.)

Ross: Goodbye, Phoebe.

(He leave her to her fate.)