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Free Form Captain Wacky: Crime Fighter Extraordinair and the Case of the Missing Case

Hambil

Hambil

I AM A GOLDEN GOD
(Fade in: Captain Wacky is driving the Wacky Mobile down an empty dark street somewhere between Loneliness Lane and Desperation Avenue)
Wacky: You'd think I'd have noticed that big red button before. I've had this car for seven minutes - or seven years - ZOMG Pon Farr! I must find Anna Paquin!
(The dull thud of something not road going under tires interrupts our heroes thoughts momentarily. He stops the car, and follows the bloody trail back to a broken, twisted body)
Wacky: I don't have time for this - Pon Farr is upon me! But... I'm Captain Wacky, crime fighter extraordinaire. Why is there a red line under extraordinaire I looked it up on fucking dictionary.com and I know I spelled it right, I don't want to live anymore.
Not Quite Dead Mangled Body: (moan) Captain... Wacky... I was, looking for you... I... only had... minutes to live.... anyway. Do not feel bad for my passing. The case you need with all the secret details that will save us all is located behind the... (gargle... death sounds)
Wacky: You're kidding right? Everyone knows you lead with the important stuff. That's why Yoda talks backwards. Hidden behind the big tree in park is case you want. Minutes to live have I. Hmmmm... Yoda was in Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith which also had Ewan McGregor who has the same last name as Kenneth McGregor who played Magneto's Father in X-Men which had Anna Paquin in it! ZOMG!! Pon Farr!
(Wacky runs back to his Wacky Mobile and quickly climbs in, speeding away)

To be continued...
 
Sadly enough a true story.
 
Pon Farr!
 
Quick Wacky, grap the bladed cotton bud and partake in the Pon Farr dual - we'll all hum the dual music!
 
Who will I dual with? Menty/
 
Can Menty use a bloody tampon for his Pon Farr stick, or is that gross and wierd, in which case I never posted this, nothing to see here...
 
Whatever he uses, I'll kill him.
 
(The glorious hero Captain Wacky, along with his dog Mentalist, speeds down an empty, dark suburban street, the bleak starkness and desolation of which mirrors the darkness in his ever decaying mind).
Mentalist: I want to push the red button.
Wacky: There is no red button.
Mentalist: I'm looking at it right now. There it is. It's like Natalie Portman's large, sexy, irresistible eyes.
Wacky: You're a dog, that's sick. But Natalie is hot. Not as hot as Anna Paquin ZOMG Pon Farr!!!
Mentalist: We just passed Suicide Street, again.
Wacky: Not today, my k9 friend, but someday - yes someday. We will take the dead end street into the dark abyss of unhappy endings that is suicide street, I promise you. But right now we have to find my sweet Anna.
Mentalist: I don't really want to go down suicide street to be honest. I mean, I don't mean to offend you but...
Wacky: SHUT UP KLINGON SCUM! We must find Anna! And also some stupid case that will save the world but whatever. Now, let's see... Anna is romantically linked to Stephen Moyer who plays Bill Compton in True Blood. He was also in Highlander the Raven with Elizabeth Gracen who was in Murder She Wrote with Angela Lansbury who was in Kingdom Hearts II with Hayden Panettieren who was in heroes with Milo Ventimiglia who will be in Armored with Laurence Fishburne who was in The Matrix with Hugo Weaving who was in The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King with Ian McKellen who was in X-Men with Anna Paquin! ZOMG Pon Farr!
Mentalist: You realize that Stephan Moyer an Anna are directly linked via True Blood so you didn't really have to go though all that...
Wacky: SHUT UP DOG!
(Wacky swerves around the corner to Pay-Per-View lane, takes a short cut to Premium Channel Boulevard, where at the end of a lush, rich, character driven street with fantastic award winning sets and wardrobe lies a place that only about 1 in 10 American's can afford but the vast majority of the world downloads illegally, lies the majestic set of the HBO show True Blood)
Wacky: We are almost there, Anna is in site. I thirst for a Coke and a Big Mac.
Mentalist: Me too. Coke is the real thing, and McDonald's is great because you deserve a break today.
Wacky: We just made like $1.50.
Mentalist: I love America.
Wacky: I'm pushing the damn red button.
Mentalist: If there is a gun in act one someone gets shot in act three.
(Wacky pushes button. The Wacky Mobile turns into a giant Henti squid which rapidly approaches the set of True Blood - tentacles reaching desperately for the unexpecting form of Anna Paquin).
Mentalist: Yeah, this is weird. I'm bailing.
(Dog opens door and jumps out, rolling violently along the street multiple times before ultimately turning out to be okay, other than a bruise or two).
Wacky: PON FAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
(Wacky mobile, squid tentacles reaching out desperately, speeding ahead)
Mentalist: Oh great, I should just walk away, but I *have* to save Anna from the squid. Will I get respect for it? Will anyone say good job? Will I finally be loved for the effort and pain I put into this story? I think not. But the work of a sidekick is thankless, yet important. And I matter. I do. Hey, pay attention. I'm talking here. I'M NOT JUST A DOG! I HAVE RIGHTS!
Anna: Um, Stephan, is that a giant Anime squid, driven by an unrealistically muscular hero with a talking dog sidekick seeking to have Pon Farr with me to save the world?
Stephen: Now seems like a good time to mention I'm gay - good luck.
 
It' a gripping tale or should I say TAIL?
 
Hambil should give up his job as admin of TK and write stories all day.
 
But then Tazz would step in.
 
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