CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(The LORD JESUS CHRIST is about to be born in a MANGER on CHRISTMAS DAY.)
Joseph: Push Mary, PUSH!
Mary: YOU PUSH! UUURGH!
(Mary PASSES OUT.)
Joseph: No! No! You can't give up! If you don't have this baby tonight the world will be doomed! Who can help us!?
(The THREE WISE MEN come running in!)
Wise Man#1: We'll help!
(They mop Mary's brow with a SPONGE and she wakes up and starts pushing again.)
Joseph: Praise Allah, it's a miracle!
Wise Man#2: And we bought gifts! A Wii, an XBOX360 and a PS3!
(Joseph smiles and accepts the Wii and XBox, but throws the PS3 into the manager's SNAKE PIT and the snakes devour it.)
Wise Man#3: I told you they wouldn't want that shite!
Wise Man#1: I can see the head!
Wise Man#2: I can see your wife's vagina!
(A baby pops out of Mary but it's DEAD!)
Joseph: No! He can't be stillborn, he's supposed to be the king of the Jews!
Mary: I'm...I'm having another one!
(A healthy, smiling, baby Jesus passes painlessly out of Mary.)
Wise Men: Aww!
Joseph: Hurray!
Mary: That makes up for the dead one!
(Pull back to reveal that the scene is actually being viewed by SCHOOLCHILDREN IN THE FUTURE on some kind of FUTURE TECHNOLOGY!)
Girl: I don't understand...the bible says nothing about Jesus having a stillborn twin brother!
Teacher: The bible was written by King Arthur in 457 BC. Thanks to FUTURE TECHNOLOGY we know the truth...and we know who that baby grew up to be.
Girl: It wasn't dead!?
Teacher: Behold!
(On the FUTURE VIEWSCREEN we see that the stillborn baby has been thrown in the trash. It coughs and starts breathing again! Then in it rolls over to reveal its face and it has a HITLER MOUSTACHE! The schoolchildren gasp!)
Girl: It was Hitler!
Teacher: That's right, Becky!
Girl: My name's Laura!
Teacher: Oh!
(On the viewscreen we see a pair of hands pick up little baby Hitler.)
Voice: I'll take care of you...
(We now see that the man is wearing red, is fat, is jolly and has a long white beard. IT'S SANTA!)
Santa: I've got a feeling you'll grow up to be very special.
Laura: Santa raised Hitler as his son!? But why!?
Teacher: Behold!
(We see Santa and MRS CLAUS at home in the north pole watching the news in 1939.)
News Reporter: Hitler has invaded Poland. War has descended upon Europe...
Santa: Hohoho, everything's gone according to plan!
Mrs Claus: How can you say that!? That's the boy you kept here for 1900 years! You could see into his mind with your "naughty or nice" mind reading abilities. Why did you let him grow up to be Hitler!?
Santa: Hohoho, you're not looking at the big picture! Because of Hitler, lots of children will be having a merry Christmas!
Mrs Claus: Lots of children will die! Or is this all about your hatred of the Jews again?
Santa: While I do hate the Jews, with the notable exception of a girl named Natalie Portman to be born in 1981, that's not what this is about. You see, the people of Earth have gotten complacent. They take Santa for granted! But now, thanks to Hitler, they'll see that there is still evil in the world! And that will make them appreciate me more! HO HO HO!
Mrs Claus: I see...
Santa: HO HO...HOLY SHIT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?
(Mrs Claus calmly bludgeons Santa to death with poker.)
Mrs Claus: I'm sorry. You've gone crazy, like every Santa before you. God asigned me to watch you, to kill you if you ever lose your mind. You see, I'm not really Mrs Claus. In fact I am...
(She pulls her wig off.)
Mrs Claus: XENA THE WARRIOR PRINCESS! AND NOW I'M GOING TO STOP HITLER BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! TURTLE POWER!
(She dramitically flips through the air and jumps out the window. Back to the FUTURE CLASSROOM.)
Laura: Well, not explains ALMOST everything...
Teacher: What's still troubling you?
Laura: Well, whatever happened to that OTHER baby that was born, the Jesus one? You never here about him!
Teacher: I think I can answer that...
(He pulls his beard off revealing a JESUS MOUSTACHE.)
Jesus: He's me, babe!
Laura: Oh! NOW I understand!
Jesus: You're 14, right?
Laura: Yeah.
Jesus: Then let me put my hand up your skirt and molest the fuck out of you!
Laura: I thought you'd never ask!
(The other schoolchildren cheer as Jesus GETS BUSY! THE END!)
Joseph: Push Mary, PUSH!
Mary: YOU PUSH! UUURGH!
(Mary PASSES OUT.)
Joseph: No! No! You can't give up! If you don't have this baby tonight the world will be doomed! Who can help us!?
(The THREE WISE MEN come running in!)
Wise Man#1: We'll help!
(They mop Mary's brow with a SPONGE and she wakes up and starts pushing again.)
Joseph: Praise Allah, it's a miracle!
Wise Man#2: And we bought gifts! A Wii, an XBOX360 and a PS3!
(Joseph smiles and accepts the Wii and XBox, but throws the PS3 into the manager's SNAKE PIT and the snakes devour it.)
Wise Man#3: I told you they wouldn't want that shite!
Wise Man#1: I can see the head!
Wise Man#2: I can see your wife's vagina!
(A baby pops out of Mary but it's DEAD!)
Joseph: No! He can't be stillborn, he's supposed to be the king of the Jews!
Mary: I'm...I'm having another one!
(A healthy, smiling, baby Jesus passes painlessly out of Mary.)
Wise Men: Aww!
Joseph: Hurray!
Mary: That makes up for the dead one!
(Pull back to reveal that the scene is actually being viewed by SCHOOLCHILDREN IN THE FUTURE on some kind of FUTURE TECHNOLOGY!)
Girl: I don't understand...the bible says nothing about Jesus having a stillborn twin brother!
Teacher: The bible was written by King Arthur in 457 BC. Thanks to FUTURE TECHNOLOGY we know the truth...and we know who that baby grew up to be.
Girl: It wasn't dead!?
Teacher: Behold!
(On the FUTURE VIEWSCREEN we see that the stillborn baby has been thrown in the trash. It coughs and starts breathing again! Then in it rolls over to reveal its face and it has a HITLER MOUSTACHE! The schoolchildren gasp!)
Girl: It was Hitler!
Teacher: That's right, Becky!
Girl: My name's Laura!
Teacher: Oh!
(On the viewscreen we see a pair of hands pick up little baby Hitler.)
Voice: I'll take care of you...
(We now see that the man is wearing red, is fat, is jolly and has a long white beard. IT'S SANTA!)
Santa: I've got a feeling you'll grow up to be very special.
Laura: Santa raised Hitler as his son!? But why!?
Teacher: Behold!
(We see Santa and MRS CLAUS at home in the north pole watching the news in 1939.)
News Reporter: Hitler has invaded Poland. War has descended upon Europe...
Santa: Hohoho, everything's gone according to plan!
Mrs Claus: How can you say that!? That's the boy you kept here for 1900 years! You could see into his mind with your "naughty or nice" mind reading abilities. Why did you let him grow up to be Hitler!?
Santa: Hohoho, you're not looking at the big picture! Because of Hitler, lots of children will be having a merry Christmas!
Mrs Claus: Lots of children will die! Or is this all about your hatred of the Jews again?
Santa: While I do hate the Jews, with the notable exception of a girl named Natalie Portman to be born in 1981, that's not what this is about. You see, the people of Earth have gotten complacent. They take Santa for granted! But now, thanks to Hitler, they'll see that there is still evil in the world! And that will make them appreciate me more! HO HO HO!
Mrs Claus: I see...
Santa: HO HO...HOLY SHIT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?
(Mrs Claus calmly bludgeons Santa to death with poker.)
Mrs Claus: I'm sorry. You've gone crazy, like every Santa before you. God asigned me to watch you, to kill you if you ever lose your mind. You see, I'm not really Mrs Claus. In fact I am...
(She pulls her wig off.)
Mrs Claus: XENA THE WARRIOR PRINCESS! AND NOW I'M GOING TO STOP HITLER BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! TURTLE POWER!
(She dramitically flips through the air and jumps out the window. Back to the FUTURE CLASSROOM.)
Laura: Well, not explains ALMOST everything...
Teacher: What's still troubling you?
Laura: Well, whatever happened to that OTHER baby that was born, the Jesus one? You never here about him!
Teacher: I think I can answer that...
(He pulls his beard off revealing a JESUS MOUSTACHE.)
Jesus: He's me, babe!
Laura: Oh! NOW I understand!
Jesus: You're 14, right?
Laura: Yeah.
Jesus: Then let me put my hand up your skirt and molest the fuck out of you!
Laura: I thought you'd never ask!
(The other schoolchildren cheer as Jesus GETS BUSY! THE END!)
