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Freestyle Heroes Thread

CaptainWacky

CaptainWacky

I want to smell dark matter
Mohinder(voiceover): There is a time in every man's life...

(Noah is about to pull the trigger.)

Mohinder: When that man comes face to face with the very face of God.

(Nathan is being beaten up by black guys.)

Mohinder: Or is it the face of the Devil?

(Sylar is humping Elle on the floor while Noah watches.)

Mohinder: How we tell the difference between God and the Devil? Between good and evil?

(Angela is stroking a white cat. Arther is stroking a black cat.)

Mohinder: Between science...and religion?

(Mohinder is cutting up some guy. His scars like look JESUS.)

Mohinder: Between life...and death? Those are the questions all man will ask, but few shall answer. Yet all shall know the answers in the end.

(Mohinder runs into Arhtur's office.)

Mohinder: Sir, sir, I've figured it out! It's the eclipse, sir! It is blocked our powers. When it passes, our powers will come back!

Arthur: No shit.

Mohinder: All we have to do is wait!

Arthur: How long does an eclipse usually last?

Mohinder: Umm...not this long. Or maye some are this long. I don't know.

Arthur: You don't know?

Mohinder: I'm a medical scientist, not a sun scientist!

(Arthur slaps Mohinder then kicks the shit out of him. CUT TO black guys beating up Nathan for symbolism.)

Hatian's Brother: Haha! Not so tough without your powers and your president Bush backing you up, Mister American!

Nathan: Stop hitting me, we can make a deal!

HB: OH REALLY, MISTER AMERICAN?

(Nathan spots Peter and the Hatian hiding up a tree.)

Nathan: Yes, I think so...

(Sylar and Elle are still humping.)

Elle: I love you, I love you, I'm so sorry for turning you evil, let's be good together!

Sylar: Yes, yes! GOOD! Now let me stand up and get some condoms!

(Noah is about to pull the trigger as Sylar starts to get up.)

Elle: No, no condoms. IMPREGNATE ME!

Sylar: OH YEAH, BABY!

(Noah sighs. CUT TO Hiro and Ando in the comic shop.)

Ando: I don't understand, you said Mister Is-aac died. Then who is writing the comic? And how does it keep getting published when it's just about two retarded Japanese guys talking about fate and destiny and buying comics?

Hiro: I don't know, I'm only ten!

Seth Green: Some African guy wrote that comic!

OTHER GUY: Yeah, that's right!

Ando: Oh. Well, that sure does clear up that plothole! Hey, if this comic is sold everywhere and tells everything we do, what's to stop the bad guys from reading it and finding out where we are?

Hiro: You mean THOSE bad guys?

(He points to the doorway where KNOX AND FLINT are standing. Ando looks at the comic and sees THE EXACT SCENE. The cutesy Hiro music plays extra loud to make the scene seem clever when really we've seen it about 18 times before.)

Ando: GULP!

(Back to Noah, Sylar and Elle. THE ECLIPSE ENDS.)

Sylar: Wait, my powers are back!

Elle: Mine too, baby!

(She shoots some lightning up his asshole.)

Sylar: Oooh! Let's stay good even though we have other powers and we can help my brothers Pete and Nathan and my sexy niece Claire save the world.

Elle: Sure, I want to be good!

Noah: Oh yeah? Try being good WITH BULLET HOLES IN YOU.

(Noah tries to shoot them but Sylar stops the bullets in mid air.)

Elle: Kill him, Sylar! FUCKING TORTURE HIM AND KILL HIM. Then bring Claire here and RAPE HER IN FRONT OF NOAH'S DEAD EYES!

Sylar: I thought you were good now?

Elle: But itll be fun!

Sylar: Okay!

(He twists Noah's head off.)

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Heroes should hire you to write the show, Wacky.
 
HOW DARE THEY TEMPORARILY KILL OFF NOAH AGAIN
 
I hate anyone who calls him HRG even though we know his real name.
 
I hate that they can't decide between horn rimmed glasses and horned rim glasses.
 
Mohinder: But what is faith, other than lack of evidence?

(Peter and the Haitian jump out of the tree holding big rocks.)

Mohinder: When faced with evidence which validates our belief, does faith not become scientific fact, the very thing we turned our back on in the pursuit of faith? How can we reconcile what we know with what we feel, what we believe with what we are? What were are with what we shall be? Maybe the answers are encoded in our DNA...or in our souls.

(Sylar twists Noah's head BACK ON.)

Noah: OWW, that hurt!

Elle: What did you do that for, baby!?

Sylar: I don't want to be evil anymore, I told you!

Elle: But he's evil! It's not evil to kill the evil.

Sylar: Isn't it? GOD I don't even know anymore!

Elle: Let me kill him, baby, you can just watch, stroking yourself gently.

Sylar: I kill your dad.

Elle: That hurt me!

Sylar: But your dad was evil, I think, the writing was inconsistent but I'm fairly sure he was, so wasn't it okay for me to kill him?

Elle: I...you've confused me! Oh God!

(Elle weeps in Sylar's arms.)

Sylar: There there.

Noah: Oh for Christ's sake...

(Ali Larter is walking along a corridor. She opens a door and there's ANOTHER ALI LARTER behind it.)

Ali Larter: You!

Other Ali Larter: What kept you...BETTY.

Ali Larter: I thought you were Betty!

Other Ali Larter: No, I'm your clone...CLETTY!

(They start making out. CUT TO Matt and Daphne making out.)

Daphne: YES, YES, TAKE ME HERE IN MY FATHER'S FRONT ROOM EVEN THOUGH HE COULD COME HOME AT ANY MINUTE.

Matt: Wait...do you just want to have sex with me to get back at your father!?

Daphne: No! Well, that's one of the reasons, but there's a few more! Like getting back at my MOTHER!

Matt: Women!

(Hiro and Ando are running down the street being chased by Knox and Flint.)

Hiro: MESSA SCARED!

Ando: Don't be scared, this guy feeds on fear!

Hiro: How come your English is so good?

Ando: Maybe that's my power!

(Flint throws some BLUE FIRE at them but misses like he always does.)

Flint: GARNIT!

(Hiro and Ando run around a corner...and right into CLAIRE'S REAL MOTHER AND FLINT'S SISTER, I CAN'T REMEMBER THE NAME RIGHT NOW. MEREDITH? OKAY, I'LL GO WITH THAT.)

Meredith: You two!

Hiro: Pretty lady, you must save us!

Meredith: FLAME ON!

(The jumps around the corner.)

Meredith: Oh no...YOU!

Knox: Hi baby. Haven't seen you since THE DIVORCE!

(Back to the jungle, Perter is destroying a black guy's head with a rock. Nathan pulls him off.)

Nathan: I think you got him!

Peter: STAY BACK. NEED BLOOD.

Nathan: What's wrong with you, you sound hungry...

Haitian: Wait, he has THE HUNGER?

Peter: I DON'T ORDERS FROM YOU.

Haitian: You must kill him, Natha. To save the world.

Nathan: Okay.

(Nathan pulls out a gun he apparently had all along but didn't use and aims it at Peter's head.)

Peter: You don't have the balls!

(A SHOT RINGS OUT. Cut to Sylar and Elle crying and kissing. Noah is crawling for the door, but ARTHUR is standing in the door.)

Arthur: I should have known! Actually, thanks to my powers, I DID know and I know everything and I can be wherever the plot demands of me!

Noah: Then why not just kill Claire yourself?

Arthur: Oh, I don't want to kill Claire...I want to MARRY HER!

(Stunned look on Noah's face.)

Mohinder: And if God is in the details...then what is in God's details?

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Nice FC reference :)
 
Mohinder: The sun. The source of all life. Yet no one man understands its power. No one shall ever walk on its surface. Is it just a great big ball of fire? Or something more? Something man cannot put into words?

(Arthur kicks Noah.)

Arthur: Yeah, that's right, I'm gonna marry Claire.

Noah: You can't marry Claire Bear, she's your grandaughter!

Arthur: How do you know she's not actually my GRANDMOTHER travelled forward in time?

Noah: Because that would be stupid!

(Arthur kicks Noah again.)

Arthur: Yeah, I just made that up. But still, the only way to give the world super powers is for me to have unprotected sex with my grandaughter Claire and make her orgasm. Only at the moment of climax will the world be saved.

Noah: Who told you that, anywya?

Arthur: Mohinder.

Noah: Mohinder? You mean Mohinder the worst scientist in the world?

Arthur: Hey, Mohinder's the one who figured out that our powrs come from adrenaline. Or DNA. Or the sun. Something like that anyway. He's the smartest guy in my employ.

Noah: You've got these two muppets in your employ so that's not a surprise!

(He points to Sylar and Elle who are making in the corner.)

Arthur: Hey, you two STOP THAT and kill Noah for me! I can't...because I have to be SOMEWHERE ELSE...

(Arthur disappears.)

Sylar: You're going down, Bennet! I'm so horny I could kill a baby!

Elle: Hey, let's kill a baby when we're done here.

Sylar: Okay! But we'll travel into the future first to make sure it grows up evil.

Elle: So lame!

Noah: If you're going to kill me then do it NOW!

Sylar: Okay.

Elle: Sure.

Sylar: Not a problem.

Elle: Was getting tired of waiting around.

(Elle and Sylar PREPARE to kill Noah...when suddenly a GIANT WRECKING BALL smahes through the wall, knocking them both flying. CLAIRE is at the controls.)

Claire: You were a great teacher, daddy.

Noah: Claire Bear!

Claire: I followed your lesson plan exactly...only I used a wrecking ball instead of planks of wood!

(CUT TO Matt and Daphne making out. ARTHUR appears.)

Arthur: Gah, is that all you heroes do?

Matt: Oh no!

Daphne: Shit!

Arthur: I'm not here to kill you, Matt. I want you to help me. I want you to take me to MOLLY.

Matt: I forgot about her!

Mohinder: And what is weakness, but the absence of strenght?

TO BE CONTINUED
 
You write Mohinder's crap disturbingly well.
 
Mohinder: What ways can a man prepare for the unpreparable? He can only try to guard his heart against hurt, make it numb to the pain. But is he then a man? Can a man lose his humanity to save the rest of humanity? Will the scars on his soul ever heal? Or will he lose everything, in losing the human touch?

(Noah and Claire have Elle and Sylar tied up.)

Claire: Yeah, we got them!

(Claire kicks Elle in the ribs.)

Claire: That's for pretending to be my friend!

Noah: Claire, don't do that.

Claire: But I want to be like you, daddy. I want to hurt people like you.

Noah: What have I done to my Claire Bear!?

Sylar: And you call me a monster.

(Claire kicks Sylar in the nose.)

Claire: Take that!

(Noah slaps Claire.)

Elle: Oooh, bitch slapped!

Claire: Daddy...why!?

Noah: I'm sorry, Claire Bear. But you've lost touch with your humanity. In order to get it back...I'm going to have to torture you.

Elle: Can we watch!?

Sylar: No, that's so evil. HOW CAN SUCH EVIL EXIST IN THE WORLD!?

Elle: Hey Gabe, after we killed those babies, did you remember to bury the bodies?

Sylar: Nah, I just melted them with fire.

Elle: Oh, cool.

(CUT TO Hiro and Ando hiding in a DUMPSTER.)

Ando: I think they have gone.

Hiro: Let us go then...TO THE FUTURE!

(They and the dumpster disappear and arrive in THE FUTURE. The planet is all fucked up.)

Hiro: Oh no, the planet is all fucked up! We must go to the past and save it somehow!

Ando: Uhh, yeah, we've kind of done that before, I guess first we should get your memories back so you stop repeating plot points...

(SUDDENLY CLYDE THE INVISIBLE MAN appears in front of them!)

Clyde: Where did you two japs come from, eh?

Hiro: We travelled forward through time in our dumpster. It's like our own personal TARDIS.

Clyde: TARDIS? What's that, then?

(He looks into the camera and winks. CUT TO Peter holding his ear.)

Peter: You shot me in the ear!

Nathan: I was shooting some sense into you! Stop eating brains and come home with me!

Peter: Okay, big bro. I love you.

Nathan: I love you too, little guy.

Haitian: BLURGH!

(Peter hops onto Nathan's back and they take off.)

Haitian: Err, what about me?

(Nathan is flying through the air with Peter on his back.)

Nathan: This is great. What brothers should do.

Peter: Yeah...yeah...

(Peter starts to peel back Nathan's skull!)

Nathan: OWW, my skull...what are you...OWW!

Peter: Don't worry, it won't hurt for much longer...not once you're dead.

Nathan: NOOOOOOOOO!

(They hurtle out of the sky.)

Mohinder: How can a man tell right from wrong when his vision is blurred by compassion...or hate. How can any man play God when it is sadi that if God did not exist...man would have to invent him?
 
Don't forget Claire can't feel pain anymore because Sylar did something with her brain!
 
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