CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(Sawyer, Juliet, Charlotte, Miles, Rose and Bernard are sitting on the beach. Juliet is still drinking rum.)
Juliet: Uhh, maybe it's the rum, but I think I just felt the island move.
Rose: Only think that can make the Earth move for me is Bernard, MMM HMM!
Bernard: Rose!
Charlotte: Hey, if the island moved, that means Dan will be trapped out at sea!
Miles: Ha-ha!
Sawyer: Nope, here comes doctor maths now, guess he was transported with us.
Juliet: And maybe it's the rum making me see things, but that looks like Jin alive and well in the boat.
Rose: Sure is, I'd recognise that tight body anywhere, MMM HMM!
Bernard: Rose!
Charlotte: Well I guess that wraps up that dangling plot point.
(Daniel, Jin and FIVE OTHER GUYS come running over.)
Sawyer: Good to see you're still alive, umm...Jin.
Miles: Hey, don't mind me, you can still be racist about him.
Sawyer: Pipe down, Kid Omega.
Miles: That name wasn't even used in the movie!
Bernard: That movie sucked, Anna Paquin wasn't in it enough.
Rose: Now don't let your eyes be wandering, MMM HMM!
Charlotte: I'm glad you survived too, Dan.
(Daniel blushes.)
One of the other guys: Is nobody glad to see us?
Sawyer: No.
Other Guy: Oh.
(The other guys walk away, sadly. One of them steps on a mine that Keamy left behind, killing all five.)
Sawyer: Looks like we're eatin' tonight!
Daniel: Guys, I saw Jack, Kate, Hurley, Sayid, Sun, Desmond and Frank flying away in a helicopter.
Jin: And that murdering bastard Michael blew up!
Sawyer: So wait...this is it? You losers are the only characters left on the island? Son of a bitch!
Charlotte: Bollocks, I'm not a bloody loser, I've got a bloody interesting backstory! You see, my real parents are, in fact...
Juliet: Sssh!
Charlotte: What?
Juliet: Look, don't give away your backstory. I was a really interesting, intriguing character at first, with a mystery backstory. Then my backstory was revealed and I ended up doing nothing for a whole season! Keep your backstory close to your chest.
Daniel: Or keep me close to your chest...
Sawyer: Yeah, why are you still in the show anyway, Juliet? You never even told us the secret of the island or nothing, you just kept making up lame excuses!
Juliet: You mean the secret that when people die on the island their consciousness or, if you prefer, soul is imprinted onto the island so that they can't pass over to the other side, and the whispers you hear are the voices of everyone who died on the island, the Smoke Monster is the collected rage of everyone who died here and Jacob isn't a single entity but rather the name given to the dead collective?
Sawyer: Uhh, yeah.
Miles: God this is lame...
Rose: Hey, you watch your tone, Shorty! MMM HMM!
Jin(in Korean): Why does she keep saying "mmm hmm", Charlotte?
Charlotte(in Korean): I don't know but it's bloody annoying!
Rose: Hey, you watch your tone too, Red, even if you are talking in some fancy-pants gobbidly gook language, MMM HMM!
(She slaps Miles in the face with her wagging finger.)
Bernard: Damn it Rose, stop acting so black!
Rose: You knew I was black when you married me, MMM HMM!
Bernard: But not this black!
Rose: I have to make myself heard, now that Michael has been blown up! Someone's got to represent, MMM HMM!
(She slaps Miles again with a wagging finger.)
Miles: Stop that!
Charlotte: So what are we going to do, with all the move developed characters now off the island?
Daniel: We could, umm, have, urr, sex.
Juliet: That's a great idea! AN ORGY!
(Juliet starts to drunkenly strip, sloshing the rum about.)
Daniel: That's, uhh, not what I meant, I just meant, umm, me and Charlotte...
Miles: Well that wouldn't be much of an orgy.
Charlotte: He's got your there, Dan.
Bernard: LET'S ORGY!
Sawyer: HOLD ON A SECOND! Now, look, if we havin' an orgy, I'm gonna go find Claire first!
Juliet: Hey...what's wrong with us...you big chested meany...I feel sick.
(She throws up over Miles.)
Miles: I didn't sign up for this!
Charlotte: Yeah, what's bloody wrong with us?
Sawyer: Look, Drunky, Princess Di, you're both good looking women, don't get me wrong, and Rose is, umm, sassy...
Rose: MMM HMM!
Sawyer: But ain't none of you quite Wacky Top Ten material! And I only sleep with the best!
Jin: You slept with Ana Lucia!
Sawyer: ...I liked you better when you couldn't speak English. What I'm saying is, if we're having an orgy, if we've finally gotten to the point where none of us have anything interesting to say or any backstory to explore and group sex is the only option, I'm going to make sure the finest girl on this island is a part of it! So I'm going to go get Claire and ain't none of you going to stop me!
Voice: I'm afraid I'm going to have to stop you, James.
(They all spin round to see LOCKE standing in the jungle, holding a sack with something round in it.)
Sawyer: Now why the Hell would you go and do a thing like that, captain destiny?
Miles(sighing): Because he's got Claire's head in that sack.
Locke: BECAUSE...
(He reaches into the sack and dramatically pulls out Claire's head. She has snakes for hair.)
Locke: I've got Claire's head in this sack!
(Everyone gasps but Miles.)
Sawyer: Son of a bitch!
Locke: Exactly. If you were to have sex with Claire now, you'd turn to stone!
Sawyer: Well, that explains why we can't have sex with Claire.
Daniel: Umm, that and, uhh, the fact that she's dead.
Miles: Never stopped me before! OR YOU!
(He points at Bernard.)
Bernard: Hey, that was one time...how'd you know!
Sawyer: Hey, wait a damn minute, we're all looking at Claire's medusa head now and none of us has turned to stone!
Locke: It only works if you have sex with her.
Charlotte: How do you bloody know that, you wanker?
Locke: THIS is how...
(Some Others carry a Richard out of the jungle. He is completely naked and made out of stone.)
Sawyer: Son of a bitch!
Jin: Stop saying that! It reminds me of Sun! I wonder what she's doing right now...
WHOOOOOOOSH
(Sun is lying naked in bed. She looks very happy. The bed has lots of MONEY instead of sheets. She snorts some cocaine.)
Sun: Mmm, cocaine. This just keeps getting better and better.
(She rolls over and starts to kiss a man's chest. Pull back to reveal that the man is WIDMORE!)
Widmore: I agree. I agree! Pass me some more cocaine and monye, please.
Sun: Here you go, lover!
(Widmore snorts the money and rubs the cocaine all over his body.)
Widmore: GOD YEAH! I don't even care that Ben is trying to kill my daughter now! Bitch deserves it for dating that Scotsman!
Sun: And I don't even care about stupid dead Jin anymore!
Widmore: AHAHAHAHA, HAHAHAHA!
Sun: Tee hee!
Widmore: I need to go take a crap.
Sun: I'll be waiting for you, big boy. With lots more cocaine and money!
(Widmore smiles and staggers out of the room. Sun pulls out a phone.)
Sun: Yes, it's me...everything is going exactly according to plan. I've been using fake cocaine and fake money and getting him hooked on the real stuff...so he'll be completely at our mercy.
(We see who is on the other end of the phone. It's Ben!)
Ben: Excellent work, agent Kwon. Keep me updated.
(He hangs up and turns to JACK sitting next to him.)
Ben: She's getting him hooked on cocaine and money, just as we planned.
Jack: Good. Gooood.
(Pull back to reveal that KATE, DESMOND, SAYID, HURLEY, FRANK, WALT, WALT'S GRAN and VINCENT are all sitting at the table, wearing suits.)
Vincent: Woof!
LOST
Juliet: Uhh, maybe it's the rum, but I think I just felt the island move.
Rose: Only think that can make the Earth move for me is Bernard, MMM HMM!
Bernard: Rose!
Charlotte: Hey, if the island moved, that means Dan will be trapped out at sea!
Miles: Ha-ha!
Sawyer: Nope, here comes doctor maths now, guess he was transported with us.
Juliet: And maybe it's the rum making me see things, but that looks like Jin alive and well in the boat.
Rose: Sure is, I'd recognise that tight body anywhere, MMM HMM!
Bernard: Rose!
Charlotte: Well I guess that wraps up that dangling plot point.
(Daniel, Jin and FIVE OTHER GUYS come running over.)
Sawyer: Good to see you're still alive, umm...Jin.
Miles: Hey, don't mind me, you can still be racist about him.
Sawyer: Pipe down, Kid Omega.
Miles: That name wasn't even used in the movie!
Bernard: That movie sucked, Anna Paquin wasn't in it enough.
Rose: Now don't let your eyes be wandering, MMM HMM!
Charlotte: I'm glad you survived too, Dan.
(Daniel blushes.)
One of the other guys: Is nobody glad to see us?
Sawyer: No.
Other Guy: Oh.
(The other guys walk away, sadly. One of them steps on a mine that Keamy left behind, killing all five.)
Sawyer: Looks like we're eatin' tonight!
Daniel: Guys, I saw Jack, Kate, Hurley, Sayid, Sun, Desmond and Frank flying away in a helicopter.
Jin: And that murdering bastard Michael blew up!
Sawyer: So wait...this is it? You losers are the only characters left on the island? Son of a bitch!
Charlotte: Bollocks, I'm not a bloody loser, I've got a bloody interesting backstory! You see, my real parents are, in fact...
Juliet: Sssh!
Charlotte: What?
Juliet: Look, don't give away your backstory. I was a really interesting, intriguing character at first, with a mystery backstory. Then my backstory was revealed and I ended up doing nothing for a whole season! Keep your backstory close to your chest.
Daniel: Or keep me close to your chest...
Sawyer: Yeah, why are you still in the show anyway, Juliet? You never even told us the secret of the island or nothing, you just kept making up lame excuses!
Juliet: You mean the secret that when people die on the island their consciousness or, if you prefer, soul is imprinted onto the island so that they can't pass over to the other side, and the whispers you hear are the voices of everyone who died on the island, the Smoke Monster is the collected rage of everyone who died here and Jacob isn't a single entity but rather the name given to the dead collective?
Sawyer: Uhh, yeah.
Miles: God this is lame...
Rose: Hey, you watch your tone, Shorty! MMM HMM!
Jin(in Korean): Why does she keep saying "mmm hmm", Charlotte?
Charlotte(in Korean): I don't know but it's bloody annoying!
Rose: Hey, you watch your tone too, Red, even if you are talking in some fancy-pants gobbidly gook language, MMM HMM!
(She slaps Miles in the face with her wagging finger.)
Bernard: Damn it Rose, stop acting so black!
Rose: You knew I was black when you married me, MMM HMM!
Bernard: But not this black!
Rose: I have to make myself heard, now that Michael has been blown up! Someone's got to represent, MMM HMM!
(She slaps Miles again with a wagging finger.)
Miles: Stop that!
Charlotte: So what are we going to do, with all the move developed characters now off the island?
Daniel: We could, umm, have, urr, sex.
Juliet: That's a great idea! AN ORGY!
(Juliet starts to drunkenly strip, sloshing the rum about.)
Daniel: That's, uhh, not what I meant, I just meant, umm, me and Charlotte...
Miles: Well that wouldn't be much of an orgy.
Charlotte: He's got your there, Dan.
Bernard: LET'S ORGY!
Sawyer: HOLD ON A SECOND! Now, look, if we havin' an orgy, I'm gonna go find Claire first!
Juliet: Hey...what's wrong with us...you big chested meany...I feel sick.
(She throws up over Miles.)
Miles: I didn't sign up for this!
Charlotte: Yeah, what's bloody wrong with us?
Sawyer: Look, Drunky, Princess Di, you're both good looking women, don't get me wrong, and Rose is, umm, sassy...
Rose: MMM HMM!
Sawyer: But ain't none of you quite Wacky Top Ten material! And I only sleep with the best!
Jin: You slept with Ana Lucia!
Sawyer: ...I liked you better when you couldn't speak English. What I'm saying is, if we're having an orgy, if we've finally gotten to the point where none of us have anything interesting to say or any backstory to explore and group sex is the only option, I'm going to make sure the finest girl on this island is a part of it! So I'm going to go get Claire and ain't none of you going to stop me!
Voice: I'm afraid I'm going to have to stop you, James.
(They all spin round to see LOCKE standing in the jungle, holding a sack with something round in it.)
Sawyer: Now why the Hell would you go and do a thing like that, captain destiny?
Miles(sighing): Because he's got Claire's head in that sack.
Locke: BECAUSE...
(He reaches into the sack and dramatically pulls out Claire's head. She has snakes for hair.)
Locke: I've got Claire's head in this sack!
(Everyone gasps but Miles.)
Sawyer: Son of a bitch!
Locke: Exactly. If you were to have sex with Claire now, you'd turn to stone!
Sawyer: Well, that explains why we can't have sex with Claire.
Daniel: Umm, that and, uhh, the fact that she's dead.
Miles: Never stopped me before! OR YOU!
(He points at Bernard.)
Bernard: Hey, that was one time...how'd you know!
Sawyer: Hey, wait a damn minute, we're all looking at Claire's medusa head now and none of us has turned to stone!
Locke: It only works if you have sex with her.
Charlotte: How do you bloody know that, you wanker?
Locke: THIS is how...
(Some Others carry a Richard out of the jungle. He is completely naked and made out of stone.)
Sawyer: Son of a bitch!
Jin: Stop saying that! It reminds me of Sun! I wonder what she's doing right now...
WHOOOOOOOSH
(Sun is lying naked in bed. She looks very happy. The bed has lots of MONEY instead of sheets. She snorts some cocaine.)
Sun: Mmm, cocaine. This just keeps getting better and better.
(She rolls over and starts to kiss a man's chest. Pull back to reveal that the man is WIDMORE!)
Widmore: I agree. I agree! Pass me some more cocaine and monye, please.
Sun: Here you go, lover!
(Widmore snorts the money and rubs the cocaine all over his body.)
Widmore: GOD YEAH! I don't even care that Ben is trying to kill my daughter now! Bitch deserves it for dating that Scotsman!
Sun: And I don't even care about stupid dead Jin anymore!
Widmore: AHAHAHAHA, HAHAHAHA!
Sun: Tee hee!
Widmore: I need to go take a crap.
Sun: I'll be waiting for you, big boy. With lots more cocaine and money!
(Widmore smiles and staggers out of the room. Sun pulls out a phone.)
Sun: Yes, it's me...everything is going exactly according to plan. I've been using fake cocaine and fake money and getting him hooked on the real stuff...so he'll be completely at our mercy.
(We see who is on the other end of the phone. It's Ben!)
Ben: Excellent work, agent Kwon. Keep me updated.
(He hangs up and turns to JACK sitting next to him.)
Ben: She's getting him hooked on cocaine and money, just as we planned.
Jack: Good. Gooood.
(Pull back to reveal that KATE, DESMOND, SAYID, HURLEY, FRANK, WALT, WALT'S GRAN and VINCENT are all sitting at the table, wearing suits.)
Vincent: Woof!
LOST
