Freestyle Star wars, filling the gaps between episode III and IV

[whisky]

Yoda is on dagoba, trying to set up his satalite dish.

“Shit reception is, get babestation tonight I shall not. Good idea moving to dagoba was not. GerBug”

Meanwhile, on Tattooine.

Ben Kanobi is at the cantina, trying to stay inconspicuous in his Jedi robes with his lightsabre on his belt, and only occasionally cutting anyones arm off who bothers him

The TV above the bar shows Darth Vader doing a news conference.

“Yes, yes, the death star will be ready for the 2012 coroscant Olympics. Yes, you at the front” says Vader
“Mas Kidfliddler, Bespin news, Lord Vader, is it true when they put you in the suit you cried like a girl?”
Vader raises his glove, and the reporter from Bespin rises in the air, choking, then theres a neck snapping sound and he slumps lifeless to the floor.
“Any other questions” Vader asks.

“I have a bad feeling about this.” Says Ben.
“Why don’t you go kill the motherfucker” asks the force ghost of Mace Windu.
“Well I did beat him quite easily when he had all his limbs, but now hes in an iron lung with two false legs, I really should maybe wait another 20 years until I am so old I cant beat him before I have another go.”
“Stupid honkey motherfucker, I’m outta here” said Mace, disappearing in a puff of blue smoke.
At the other end of the bar an attractice woman drops her pen, then bends down to get it, making her short skirt ride up.
“I sense a great disturbance in my pants” said Ben, getting ready to use the force on her pen again.

 

[Ishcabittle]

meanwhile, at jabba the hut's palace....

"OKAH CHOOBAH NANA ITCHI BOOM BOOM SALLY" (translates into: "More pizza, please.") Jabba exclaims to a disinterested court.

An underling leans over to one of the piggy guards and whispers, "Damn, dude, look how huge Jabba is getting! Remember how small he was when he went to Tattooine? Now he's as big as the throne dias, god I hope Bert is okay under there. I told him to move before Jabba sat down, but did he listen... OH SHIT"

the underling is snagged by a long tentacle and begins to get dragged towards the throne.

"CHAMA DINGLE BINGY BANGY BONG WHATCHA DOIN HOSS ONA RING DONG DOEE!!" (translates to: "That's quite rude") says Jabba, as he opens up the trap door to the rancor pen.

"Bollocks." says the underling quite simply, and falls in the pit.

Across the galaxy, on Naboo.

Jar Jar throws his bottle of Johnny Walker Blue Label to the floor of his underwater home's living room and sniffles. "Meesah people no good fo' 'im no mo'?" He gets up off of his chair and shuffles, in that completely gay and fake looking walk, towards the kitchen.

"Firs' we fight in a big battle 'gainst them robots, and then i totally fuck up the Senate, and then, nothin'!" He slouches against the kitchen counter, rummaging in the shelves for another bottle. He is clearly drunk, depressed, and sullen.

"So da big man gonna make a' nodda movie, but where is da roomma for meesah peoples? NO WHERE AH!" As Jar Jar cracks open another bottle of Johnny Walker, he slips down the cabinetry to sit on the floor, his ears comically draping the handles of the drawers, yet still managing to be very unfunny.

"IMA GONNA KILL THAT LUCAS MAN FO' MAKIN' MEESAH PEOPLES THROWAWAY CHARACTERS THAT DON'TAH PERSIST THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE SIX MOVIES!!!"

 

[CaptainWacky]

MEANWHILE, R2 and 3PO are chasing some human children.

"DIE, HUMAN SCUM!" says Threepio.

"MEEP MEEP!" says R2.

A mysterious figure in the shadows watch.

"All is going according to plan," he says.

"Yes, my master," says SEBULBA!

 

[whisky]

Meanwhile, on Alderann, that guy from NYPD blue is stroking his beard.

"Damnit woman, why do I have to wear ruffles like some character out of blackadder the II?"
"They spent the clothes budget on CGI clonetroopers dear" says Mrs NYPD blue
"Liea, where are you leah, or however the hell you spell your name?" says beardy bloke
Baby leia is off in a corner levitating her toys with the power of her mind.
"Nooooooooooooooo!" shouts beardy bloke, smaking the toys to the floor, "Just play with your fanny like any other little girl"

 

[Yub]

Meanwhile, on some nameless star destroyer, Han Solo is being ritually whipped for stepping out of line during morning parade.

"Bugger this Imperial shit for a lark," says Han, "I'm going to a scruffy nerfherde...smuggler, even if I do look spiffy in uniform. And I taking this Wookiee with me, because I'M A HARDCORE SON OF A BITCH AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME!!"


"Whatever, just piss off, you're not officer material," says a then Lt. Ozzel, who is obviously CGI. "You'll be dead within a week"

"Let's go play Sabaac and win us a clunky old freighter!" says Han to the Wookiee.

 

[CaptainWacky]

Should I write a Threepio/R2 sex scene?

 

[Yub]

It writes itself, I'm sure.