Frimbo Underbridge

[CaptainWacky]

Mister Frimbo Underbridge was known as something of an eccentric in the Shire.

"He's quite an eccentric, old Frimbo," said Ted Sandyman down at the Green Dragon one lazy Sunday afternoon.

"He seems harmless enough," laughed Samwise Gamgee.

"Harmless, you say? I hear tale it were him what murdered old Barry McGee!" said Ted.

"But Barry McGee died picking apples!" said Sam.

"Yeah, that's what Frimbo made it look like!" said Ted. "YOU MARK MY FUCKDAMN WORDS, SAM, THE OLD FUCKER'S A CUNTFLAP OF THE HIGHEST ORDER, PROBABLY A PAEDO TOO, EEEEH, GARRRR, MEEP."

"Bah," said Sam, kicking Ted in the left nipple. "FUCK YOU."

"That's right, run to Frimbo to molest some squirrels!" said Ted

Sam stormed out. Rosie ran after him. "Sam, don't let Sandyman get you so riled up, you know he's hooked on dwarf cocaine!"

"HE JUST PISSES ME OFF, THE SHIT," boomed Sam. "After everything Mister Frodo and I went through in the war, all the fucked up shit that's going on out the wide world...and he acts like old Frimbo's some kind of monster. I've SEEN monsters, Rosie, I've fucking stabbed monsters in the belly and had them bleed out on me...I've seen some shit."

"I know, Sam," said Rosie, embracing her husband. "I know."

"I miss Frodo," he weeped.

"I know," said Rosie, a pang of jealousy shooting through her now. Would Sam ever love her as much as he loved Frodo?

"FUCK ELVES, PUTTING IDEAS IN HIS HEAD, TAKING HIM AWAY FROM ME," shouted Sam. Some passing hobbits stopped and stared.

"Sam, please, you have to control your temper," said Rosie.

"I HAD THE RING, SLUT, I KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT CONTROL," said Sam, pushing her away violently. Rosie stumbled and fell. She looked up at him with teary eyes. "No!" said Sam. "I'm so sorry, Rose, please, forgive me, I have flashbacks sometimes..."

It was then that Merry and Pippin rode up.

"Sam, you have to come with us to old Frimbo Underbridge's!" said Merry.

"WHY?" snapped Sam.

"He's got your kids, Sam!" said Pippin. "We think he's going to molest them!"

TO BE CONTINUED!?

 

[Mentalist]

I honestly haven't laughed that much in ages.

 

[Yub]

Sam should totally eat some bacon after kicking Frimbo's arse.

 

[Mentalist]

Why?

 

[Yub]

It seems like the thing to do.

"Sam you just kicked Frimbo's arse and saved your kids. What're you going to do next?"

"I'm going to get Rosie to make me a bacon sammich and I'm gonna eat it!"

RIGHT ON SAMWISE. RIGHT ON.

 

[Gagh]

Somewhere, Tom Bombadil is crying into his cider.

 

[CaptainWacky]

"What? WHAT?" said Sam. "GET ME A FUCKING HORSE."

"Have mine, I'll get another," said Merry.

"Oh just ride with me, you poof," said Pippin.

"Pip, people will see..." started Merry.

"SHUT UP AND RIDE," said Sam.

"I'm coming too!" said Rosie, climbing onto Sam's horse. "They're my children too."

"Yeah...and the reason that old bastard is molesting them is because YOU aren't home looking after them, WOMAN," said Sam.

"Sam, that's not fair, my friend Jolly is looking after them..."

"SHE'S A SLUT. I HAD HER." Sam cruelly smacked Rosie in the mouth, sending her falling off the horse and into the mud.

"Was that really necessary, Sam?" asked Merry.

"Ride," said Sam, not looking at Rosie.

"I think she's hurt, Sam," said Pippin.

"RIDE!" said Sam, whipping the horse he'd taken from Merry and galloping away. Merry and Pippin followed as best they could.

"Oh cripes," said Merry. "He's really lost it this time, Pip."

"I know," said Pippin. "But if anything happened to my kids I'd be the same..."

"What if something happened to me?" asked Merry.

"I'd be even worse," said Pippin. Merry stroked his lover's thigh. Their wives knew, everyone knew, it was an open secret. Merry and Pippin were drilling the shit out of each other at every opportunity.

"FASTER, YOU ANIMAL," said Sam, whipping the horse harder as they rode into Hobbiton, over the water, up the hill, Bagshot row in sight. Sam jumped off and launched a flying kick at the hobbit door. "MY KIDS, FRIMBO. GIVE ME MY FUCKING KIDS."

"Sam, he bolted it shut, he somehow got a hold of some mithral," said Merry as he jumped from Pippin's horse.

"FUCKING MITHRAL", said Sam. "FUCKING DWARVES."

"I know!" said Pippin. "Dynamite! Gandalf left some behind the hill when he rode through for the very last time..."

"THEN FETCH IT," said Sam. He pulled Sting from its sheath. "YOU WILL TASTE BLOOD AGAIN ON THIS DAY, STING," he said. Sting glowed blue.

"Hang on, why's it blue?" asked Merry.

"WHY DO YOU THINK, HALF-FAGLING?" asked Sam, almost ready to turn Sting on Merry. "THERE'S A PAEDO IN THERE RAPING MY KIDS TO HELL."

"But it only flashes blue when..." started Merry, then heard Pippin screaming.

"ORCS!" shouted Pippin, running over the Hill. "It was a set up!"

"FOR SAURON!" came the cry as a dozen great orcs charged.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Yub]

So far, no bacon. Thus I cannot give this the ten out of ten it would have otherwise received.

 

[CaptainWacky]

"I don't have fucking time for this!" said Sam. "Do you know how many of you bastfucks I killed in Mordor? Where's Shagrat, huh? WHERE'S SHAGRAT? OH YEAH, I GUTTED HIM."

Pippin ran beside Merry and pulled his sword out. The orcs fell back.

"Come on then, fight, you turks!" said Merry.

"I don't think they have the dynamite," Pippin whispered to Sam.

"FUCK THE DYNAMITE, FUCK THEIR ORC ASSES," said Sam. "FUCK IT ALL, FUCK LIFE, JUST ATTACK SO I CAN FIGHT, SO I CAN FEEL SOMETHING."

"You've got issues!" said the lead Orc. "We didn't come here for you, hobbitfuck. We came for Saruman!"

"DEATH TO SARUMAN!" shouted the others.

"Old Sharky? Are you slant-eyed freaks kidding? He's been dead for years!" said Pippin.

"THERE'S A PAEDO FINGERING MY KIDS AND I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS?" asked Sam.

"You lie! That pigdog Saruman forced us to work in his perverted mines, looking for the Great Shoe of Sauron!" said the Lead Orc. "He can't be dead!"

"The great shoe?" asked Merry.

"Don't pretend you haven't heard of it!" said the Lead Orc. "Sauron wore it at the height of his power and some of his strength passed inside. It's kind of like the Ring only not as good. It makes your foot invisible! WE WANTS IT!"

"We heard Saruman lives inside the big hobbit house under the Hill!" said another Orc.

"FUCK..." started Sam, but Merry stopped him.

"That's right! You have to get the door open first, he's blocked it up with Mithral."

"Mitrhal, pah!" said the lead orc. "We have Mitrhal BATTETRING RAMS with us, conveniently!"

"Yay!" said Pippin. Sam slapped him.

"HURRY UP THEN, DIRT-EATERS," he said. The Orcs began hammering the door with their battering ram. It was then that a great BOOMING VOICE was heard.

"WHO DARES DISTURB FRIMBO THE ONE-FOOTED?" it asked.

 

[Mentalist]

 

[curiousa2z]

^Indeed!

 

[CaptainWacky]

"WE'RE COMING FOR YOU, PAEDO!" cried Sam, frothing at the mouth now. "Keep it up, orcs, ignore his words!"

"Paedo?" came Frimbo's voice, clear as day despite the door of Bagend remaining shut. "No paedo am I. Pussy is what I long for, the sweet pussy of fair hobbitmaidens. Some young, but never under sixteen years in the Shire Reckoning! It matters not, for pussy is not keen on me. All my life, even as a young shireling in my tweens, girls have found me repulsive, they have pointed, they have laughed. WELL NOW I WEAR THE GREAT SHOE OF SAURON AND THE PUSSY OF THE SHIRE SHALL BE MINE!"

"Merry and I have already had all the pussy anyway!" said Pippin, which was true, though both would tell the other that their absolute best hobbitgasms were only experience when they were together. "And we're going to kill you anyway!"

"We'll cut the foot off and take the shoe back to Mordor!" said the lead orc.

"Ha!" said Frimbo. "Where do you think Gandalf's last stash of dynamite is? I TOOK IT, for security! If the doors should open I WILL set it off, blowing your PRECIOUS children to pieces! That is why they are here, not for sex! Eww! Kids always kill my boners. Yuck! I haven't even wanked since I've been in here and I wank eight times a day! So come inside AT YOUR PERIL. The explosion will surely kill you all, but I will survive, shielded by the Shoe of Suaron!"

"Blast!" said Merry.

"His voice..." said one of the orcs.

"Yes, I hear it too," said the lead orc. "He speaks as Sauron once did. For Saruman to wear the shoe would have been a disgrace, he would have used it to kick us. But this Frimbo...he has an orcmind. He sounds like...a great man. A man I would follow. Sauron reborn!"

"YES!" said the other orcs. "WE SERVE FRIMBO THE ONE-FOOTED!"

"Uhh, but that means you're against us..." started Merry.

"Well, DUH," said the lead orc, taking out his orc axe. "KILL THE HALFLINGS! CHEW THEIR FLESH! GROUND THEIR BONES! STAIN THE COUNTRYSIDE WITH THEIR BLOOD! FOR FRIMBO!"

"ABOUT FUCKING TIME," said Sam, instantly stabbing the nearest Orc in the stomach, ducking a blow from another, stabbing him in the thigh then cutting the orcs head off as he bent over in pain. "DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

The battle was fierce. The hobbits fought with a ferocity not seen since the last battle of the War of the Ring. But still they were out-numbered, twelve to three at first, eventually five to three after much slaying...and then the lead orc hit Merry in the chest with his axe, sending him flying back into Pippin.

"Merry, NOOOOO!" said Pippin, cradling him in his arm.

"It is just a flesh wound...gah," said Merry, passing out.

The other five surrounded Sam. "COME ON THEN," he said. "SEND ME TO FRODO." The lead orc charged...and was crushed under a giant wooden foot. The others fled. Sam looked up. "YOU!" he exclaimed in shock.

"Hroom, hum, hoom," said Treebeard. "What kind of trouble have you little shirelings gotten yourselves into now?"

 

[CaptainWacky]

"Treebeard! Look, Merry, it's Treebeard!" said Pippin, excited, shaking Merry, trying to get him to wake up.

"Uuuuurgh...rrrr...beard...tree...hoom," said Merry.

"That's right, my love!" said Pippin. "Sam, I think he's getting better!"

"Shut the fuck up, Pippin," said Sam. "Treebeard, you big cunt, what are you doing here?"

"Hoom," said Treebeard. "Much too hasty as always, little shireling. And I see your mouth has grown ever more foul. Hoom. Allow me to explain..."

"LOOK," said Sam, brandishing Sting. "Frimbo's still got my kids in there with a shitload of dynamite, and even if he isn't raping them he could still fuck them by blowing Bagend back to Valinor. So you just STOP THE FUCK LONG-DRAWN OUT ENT SHITE and tell me how you got here then help me rescue my kids."

"And nurse Merry back to health!" added Pippin.

"Fuck Merry," said Sam.

A deep sadness came over Treebeard's anciet face. "Hroom," he said at length. "What Celeborn said is true then. A shadow has passed over the world in this Fourth Age, even as King Aragorn sits in Gondor with the fair Queen Arwen by his side...its reach has even extended to the Shire. I did not want to believe him. But then I heard rumblings, hoom hoom. Rumblings, from the Old Forest, of a new power rising in the Shire. A dark, corrupting power. The one you call Frimbo. Hoom. Word was passed to me from Old Tom Bombadil himself. Quickly I came. Late was the hour of my arrival. Preventing Frimbo from wearing the shoe, I did not achieve."

"Well...at least you saved us from those fucking orcs...thank you," said Sam. For a moment he almost looked as the Sam of old, until his face twisted back to a mask of hate. "BUT WE MUST KILL FRIMBO NOW, BEFORE HIS POWER CAN EXTEND."

"Haroom," said Treebeard. "I do agree. But you say he possesses explosive compounds?"

"Yes," said Sam, pacing now. "FUCK. Maybe...maybe you could tear the whole roof off Bagend. Take him by surprise. Then fucking pull him out and toss him into the sun before he can set off the dynamite."

"Hoom," said Treebeard. "But Bagend lies below that beautiful green hill."

"So?" said Sam. "FUCK THE HILL. TEAR IT APART."

"Hoom," said Treebeard. "I will not harm one blade of grass."

"OH YOU BIG WOODEN POOF!" said Sam, jabbing Sting into his leg.

 

[CaptainWacky]

"WHAT IS GOING ON?" came the voice of Frimbo. "WHO DARES APPROACH MY HOME."

"Hoom," said Treebeard. "I am known as Treebeard of Fangorn, but in truth I AM Fangorn himself, come here to the Shire to see you, little Frimbo. You did not know what you got yourself into when you put your foot INTO that shoe. Hoom. There is a way out for you. You must simply walk outside and removed the shoe. Toss it to me and I shall take it to Tom Bombadil, the oldest of the old, the first of the first, for disposal. Hroom."

"Perhaps...perhaps you are right, Ent," said Frimbo. "I feel evil in my foot when I wear this shoe. I'm not a bad hobbit. Just...different."

"Hoom," said Treebeard. "Even the most different of us possesses the same goodness, gifted from Illuvator, the One."

"Yeah, yeah, just get the fuck out of my house and bring my kids," said Sam.

"VERY WELL," said Frimbo. The door opened. Five little hobbitlings ran out.

"Daddy, daddy!" they cried. And for a moment Sam's face went back to how it used to be in the days before the War, as he embraced his beloved children.

"Uncle Pippin's here too!" said Pippin. "Merry's, umm, resting."

"I...seriously...need...medical...attention," said Merry.

"Haha, silly uncle Merry!" laughed Goldilocks, Sam's beautiful young daughter.

"You can come out now, Frimbo," said Treebeard. "No one hear will judge you ill. The shoe of Sauron could seduce those of even the strongest will."

"Yes," said Sam. "No one will judge you ill..." Sam reached for Sting as the door opened again. Frimbo stepped out He only had one foot.

"I'm so sorry," he said. Sam stepped towards him. Pippin spotted the sword.

"No, Sam!" he said. But before Sam could do anything, LIGHTNING shot out from Frimbo's missing foot. Sam tried to hold up Sting to deflect it, but it sent him flying.

"I'm so sorry for what I'm ABOUT to do!" said Frimbo. "BWAHAHAHAHA!" He kicked his invisible foot forward again. The lightning hit Treebeard this time. The great Ent caught on fire.

"HOOM HOOM, THIS ISN'T GOOOD," said Treebeard. "I LIVED MY LIFE...MUCH...TOO...HASTY..."

Treebeard burned to death.

 

[CaptainWacky]

Why did the first three posts get loads of karma but the last three (only two of them, in fact) only get one each from Loktar? NOT THAT I'M BEING NEEDY LOL.

 

[Loktar]

Why did the first three posts get loads of karma but the last three (only two of them, in fact) only get one each from Loktar? NOT THAT I'M BEING NEEDY LOL.

No idea. I know I try and karma every new story post of yours because I like you and your stories. As for everyone else, they secretly hate you. LOL.

 

[Cassie]

I'M JUST READING IT NOW, OK?

 

[Loktar]

I'M JUST READING IT NOW, OK?

No its not ok, mofo!

 

[CaptainWacky]

"Oh Illuvator, I feel sick," said Pippin as he watched Treebeard turn to ash. "That was fucking Treebeard he killed!"

"No time to cry," said Sam, picking himself up. "We have to follow Frimbo and kill him." Frimbo was marching down Bagshot row, towards the bridge now, crossing over to the rest of Hobbiton.

"What about Merry and your kids?" said Pippin. Merry was drooling and mumbling about "sausage burgers" now.

"GAFFER, GET OUT HERE YOU OLD SOD," shouted Sam. Sam's old Gaffer came out of a hobbit hole.

"My hearing isn't as good as it once was, son," he said.

"SHUT UP," said Sam. "Dad, I need you to look after Merry and the kids. Can you do that, you senile old coot?"

"What was the question?" asked Gaffer Gamgee, scratching his hobbithead.

"GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME," said Sam, shoving his kids at the Gaffer. "Let's go," he said to Pippin.

"We love you, dad," said Goldilocks.

"Yeah, yeah," said Sam, not even looking at her. BUT A SINGLE TEAR rolled down his cheek. He and Pippin charged in the direction Frimbo had went. Pippin stopped briefly at Treebeard's remains.

"Goodbye, old friend," he said. Then he noticed something and reached down to pick it up. It was an acorn. He put it in his pocket then ran after Sam.

They evetually reached the Green Dragon. Frimbo was standing outside, a crazed grin on his face.

"Ha ha ha, come back for more, have you?" he asked. "I already killed the Fangorn himself, what makes you think you can stand against me?"

"I am Samwise the Strong, Hero of the Age, striding with a flaming sword across the darkened land, armies flocking to my call...bitch," said Sam.

"Ho ho ho ho," said Frimbo. "Perhaps once when you held the One Ring that could have been so, but it perished in fire and I possess all that remains of Sauron, the very shoe he wore when he kicked Gil-Galad's ass! You just don't get it, do you, Samwise? This is just the beginning. You are nothing. The Shire is nothing. Aragorn and Minas Tirith are nothing. Middle Earth shall be mine, all of it! AND THEN, VALINOR!"

"Oh yeah?" asked Sam. "You and what army?"

"This one," said Frimbo. The door of the Green Dragon opened and Ted Sandyman and other hobbits walked out...their eyes growing red.

"What happened to them?" asked Pippin.

"Oh, the shoe of Sauron can have a powerful influence over the weak-minded," said Frimbo. "They all obey my commands now...all of them." And as he said that, Rosie Cotten stepped out...her eyes red as well.

"No!" said Sam.

"YES," said Rosie. "This is for all the beatings, all the times you yelled out Frodo's name during sex, Sam. I'm going to kill you myself!"

 

[CaptainWacky]

Sam and Pippin could do nothing but look on in shock as they were surrounded by possessed hobbits. Seemingly the whole Shire was now under Frimbo's control.

"I think this is it, Sam," said Pippin. "It was an honour fighting beside you."

"I'm not going down without a fight," said Sam. "I'm going to take as many of those fuckers with me as possible!"

"But they're our friends, Sam, our family!" said Pippin.

"They're NOTHING, Pippin, NOTHING! They haven't seen what we have, they haven't been to the real world! You know it better than anyone, you were crushed under a fucking troll before the Black Gate of Mordor itself! That's why these pussies have LET THEMSELVES be taken over by Frimbo, they know nothing of suffering! Men, hobbits, fucking elves and dwarves all fought for them in the war, FOUGHT AND DIED FOR THEM and they knew nothing of it! Ever since, FOR YEARS, I've had to listen to their inane babble in the Green Dragon, complaining about their apple trees rotting and other trivial bibble...WELL NO MORE. I'll kill them all, Sam, and I'll like it!"

"Hahaha!" laughed Frimbo. "Good...gooood."

"Listen to yourself, Sam!" said Pippin, shaking his old friend. "You're almost as bad as Frimbo! I know the Shire's full of simple cunts...but we were like that once, both of us, and Pippin and Frodo, even old Bilbo. And if I could, I'd go BACK to those days!"

"What!?" asked Sam.

"That's right!" said Pippin. "I'd rather live in ignorance than know what's out there, know about the evil in the world...the Shire was WORTH fighting for, Sam. Worth dying for. To protect the innocence of all little hobbits!"

Sam looked around at the red-eyed hobbits leering and remembered the old days, simpler days...when he was but a gardener.

"I used to cut the grass," he said. "And now I'm readying to cut off heads."

"Give in to your hate, boy!" said Frimbo.

"No," said Sam. And he threw Sting to the ground. Pippin threw his sword down too. "I am a hobbit, like my gaffer before me," said Sam. "You have failed, your majesty. I will not kill a single hobbit on this day. I'll let you kill me first."

"So be it...hobbit," said Frimbo. Then lightning shot out of his foot. Rosie watched. Sam looked at her, with pleading eyes.

"Sam...I...I'm so sorry," said Rosie. She lunged for Frimbo...but many possessed hobbits grabbed her.

"This is it," said Pippin, as hobbits began to throw stones at him...but suddenly a light appeared...from the West. A blinding white light which cut through the hobbits, send them running in fear. Even Frimbo stopped shooting the lightning.

"Elves!? HERE!?" he said.

"Elves," said Sam, Pipping helping him up. "Elves and...GANDALF!?"

"That's right, my little friend," said Gandalf the White. "It is me. Hello to you too, Pippin. I heard your speech in my mind. Not so much a fool of a Took now."

"GANDALF!" cried Pippin and Sam, hugging him. Gandalf laughed.

"I did not come alone," said the old wizard. Sam and Pippin noticed another figure sitting behind Gandalf on Shadowfax...

"Hello Sam," came a familiar voice.

"Mister...mister Frodo?" asked Sam.