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Frimbo Underbridge
- Thread starter CaptainWacky
- Start date
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
I'm glad I have unlimated editing time to fix typos ("full of a Took", ugh.)
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Sam felt tears welling up in his eyes. He could feel it in his whole body. The joy at seeing Frodo again...then shame. Shame that Frodo would find out what he had become. He looked as young as ever, no, younger. Like he had looked before the War Of The Ring. He looked beauitful. He was Mister Frodo as he always should have been.
"You...you came back for me...for us...for the Shire?" he asked, then quickly looked away from Frodo, to Gandalf. "Both of you?"
"Valinor is not completely cut off from Middle Earth," said the wizard. "We still know some of what happens here...then the shoe of Sauron showed up in the Shire I could feel it even as I lay in bed with my wife..."
"Wife?!" asked Pippin, amazed. Gandalf had always been sexless to them.
"Of course," said Gandalf. "The time of war had passed, I was free of my burden, I could finally live freely as all others do...she is an elf, you know, quite beautiful. She stayed behind though, a shame, I would have liked her to meet you. Anyway, as it turned out, my time had NOT passed. My burden was NOT lifted, for I had not completed my duty here. I was supposed to wipe Sauron off the face of Middle Earth, but I had failed. His shoe remained behind. I had to come, with elves...and one hobbit."
"When Gandalf told me evil had returned to the Shire, I knew I had to come," said Frodo. He looked at Sam and Sam felt himself diminish under Frodo's gaze. He was not worthy. "My heart still belongs here, with the Shire...with you."
"Aww," said Pippin, ruining the moment.
"EXCUSE ME," said Frimbo, tapping his one foot. "I'm still here, you know! MY HOBBITS, KILL THEM ALL!"
"FOOL OF AN UNDERBRIDGE!" said Gandalf, slamming his staff to the ground. Suddenly all the hobbits were shaken...their eyes became normal again.
"Sam?" said Rosie. "Oh Sam, he took me over, I could feel him in me, it was horrible!" She ran to him...and Sam let her hold him. He looked at her and suddenly wanted to tell her how sorry he was.
"This won't end like this!" said Frimbo, backing away now, then turning and running.
"He's heading for Bagend!" said Pippin.
"After him!" said Gandalf...but there was no need. Frimbo was running back now, a dozen elves on horses behind him, coming down the road from hobbiton...with Merry, the Gaffer and Sam's children.
"An elven maiden healed me!" said Merry.
Frimbo was surrounded now. He sat down on the ground, muttering to himself.
"Well!" said Gandalf. "Now we must simply take the shoe and everything will be okay!"
"Oh, I want to introduce you all to someone first," said Frodo. The elven maiden who had healed Merry walked over to him. "Everyone, this is Natachelle...the Queen of all elves n Valinor."
"Pleased to meet you!" said Pippin, staring at her amazing elven chest. Merry elbowed him in the ribs.
"They are nice though," Merry conceded. "I think I'm bi!"
"Me too!" said Pippin. Then they started kissing and touching each other up.
"Err, okay," sad Sam. "Well, good to meet you, Natachelle. Are you and Frodo friends?"
"You could say that," said Natachelle. Then she picked Frodo up in her arms...and kissed him deeply.
"MISTER FRODO!?" asked Sam.
"Well, Gandalf isn't the only one who married an elf," said Frodo.
"You...you came back for me...for us...for the Shire?" he asked, then quickly looked away from Frodo, to Gandalf. "Both of you?"
"Valinor is not completely cut off from Middle Earth," said the wizard. "We still know some of what happens here...then the shoe of Sauron showed up in the Shire I could feel it even as I lay in bed with my wife..."
"Wife?!" asked Pippin, amazed. Gandalf had always been sexless to them.
"Of course," said Gandalf. "The time of war had passed, I was free of my burden, I could finally live freely as all others do...she is an elf, you know, quite beautiful. She stayed behind though, a shame, I would have liked her to meet you. Anyway, as it turned out, my time had NOT passed. My burden was NOT lifted, for I had not completed my duty here. I was supposed to wipe Sauron off the face of Middle Earth, but I had failed. His shoe remained behind. I had to come, with elves...and one hobbit."
"When Gandalf told me evil had returned to the Shire, I knew I had to come," said Frodo. He looked at Sam and Sam felt himself diminish under Frodo's gaze. He was not worthy. "My heart still belongs here, with the Shire...with you."
"Aww," said Pippin, ruining the moment.
"EXCUSE ME," said Frimbo, tapping his one foot. "I'm still here, you know! MY HOBBITS, KILL THEM ALL!"
"FOOL OF AN UNDERBRIDGE!" said Gandalf, slamming his staff to the ground. Suddenly all the hobbits were shaken...their eyes became normal again.
"Sam?" said Rosie. "Oh Sam, he took me over, I could feel him in me, it was horrible!" She ran to him...and Sam let her hold him. He looked at her and suddenly wanted to tell her how sorry he was.
"This won't end like this!" said Frimbo, backing away now, then turning and running.
"He's heading for Bagend!" said Pippin.
"After him!" said Gandalf...but there was no need. Frimbo was running back now, a dozen elves on horses behind him, coming down the road from hobbiton...with Merry, the Gaffer and Sam's children.
"An elven maiden healed me!" said Merry.
Frimbo was surrounded now. He sat down on the ground, muttering to himself.
"Well!" said Gandalf. "Now we must simply take the shoe and everything will be okay!"
"Oh, I want to introduce you all to someone first," said Frodo. The elven maiden who had healed Merry walked over to him. "Everyone, this is Natachelle...the Queen of all elves n Valinor."
"Pleased to meet you!" said Pippin, staring at her amazing elven chest. Merry elbowed him in the ribs.
"They are nice though," Merry conceded. "I think I'm bi!"
"Me too!" said Pippin. Then they started kissing and touching each other up.
"Err, okay," sad Sam. "Well, good to meet you, Natachelle. Are you and Frodo friends?"
"You could say that," said Natachelle. Then she picked Frodo up in her arms...and kissed him deeply.
"MISTER FRODO!?" asked Sam.
"Well, Gandalf isn't the only one who married an elf," said Frodo.
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
"WHAT!?" shouted Sam, not caring anymore. Mister Frodo had come back to him at last...but with some slut elf bride?!
"It may seem unusual," admitted Frodo. "She's thousands of years old and I'm a hobbit. But love knows no bounds, Sam. Our souls connected instantly. It was like we were always meant to be together."
"Must be a bit weird physically," said Pippin, holding hands with Merry.
"Nah!" said Frodo, looking right at Natachelle's tits, his eyes level with them.
"There's a lot of advantages to having a small lover...he can get everywhere," said Natachelle.
"BUT I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!" screamed Sam. There was an awkward silence for a long time.
"I do love you, Sam," said Frodo. "But not physically. You're fat male hobbit and I love big elven tits. Remember how often I wanked in Rivendell when were staying there?"
"AAARRR!" screamed Sam. Then he slapped Rosie right in the face.
"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" said Gandalf, leaping in front of Rosie's body to stop Sam from touching her again. Natachelle looked disgusted. Frodo just looked stunned.
"You...you hit her," he said. "That's your wife, Samwise Gamgee. And you just slapped the shit out of her."
"WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT IT? WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT ME, ABOUT HOW I FEEL? ABOUT WHAT I'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH SINCE THE WAR ENDED? YOU LEFT ME. YOU LEFT ME HERE WITH HER! YES, I TRIED TO LOVE HER. WE HAD LOTS OF KIDS AND I DO CARE ABOUT THEM. BUT SHE WASN'T YOU. SHE'LL NEVER BE YOU. THIS IS YOUR FAULT, BAGGINS. YOUR STINKING FAULT." Then Sam lunged for Frodo, but Natachelle pulled her husband out of the way and Sam fell into a puddle of mud. He started crying.
"Oh Sam," "said Frodo.
"I sense great pain in this one," said Gandalf.
"No shit," said Merry.
"Wait," said Natachelle. "Look at his ring finger, Frodo. Use your enhanced senses."
"I see it," said Frodo. "Where he wore the ring, it's like it burned into him! But why? It didn't do that for me."
"I think I understand," said Natachelle. "Samwise was the most innocent hobbit of all when he wore the Ring. It had to try extra hard to get any kind of power over him. It had to BURN into his very finger, to pass some of Sauron's evil into his body. You have been living with that burden ever since, Samwise. Please, let me heal you."
"I don't need anything from you!" sobbed Sam. But Natachelle leaned down into the mud and look Sam in the eys. "You're...so beautiful," he said.
"Heal," said Natachelle, touching his forehead.
"I feel...I feel the pain lifting!" said Sam.
"I will take it from you," said Natachelle. "I've had thousands of years to prepare."
"I'm....I..." Sam's cheeks went red and rosey, like they used to be. "Oh no. Oh Rosie! OH NO. WHAT DID I DO TO YOU?"
"It's okay," said Rosie, meekly. "You were'nt yourself."
"Let me heal you too," said Natachelle. Then she touched Rosie.
"My scars!" said Rosie, looking at her body. "All the bruises from all the beatings Sam gave me...all gone! Thank you!"
"It's cool, biatch!" said Natachelle.
"Well!" said Gandalf. "Now all we have to do is take the shoe from...FRODO, LOOKOUT!"
"What...SHIT!" said Frodo as Ted Sandyman drove a knife into his chest.
"FOR FRIMBO!" said Ted, as old Frimbo himself ran away in the confusion...ran towards Bagend.
"It may seem unusual," admitted Frodo. "She's thousands of years old and I'm a hobbit. But love knows no bounds, Sam. Our souls connected instantly. It was like we were always meant to be together."
"Must be a bit weird physically," said Pippin, holding hands with Merry.
"Nah!" said Frodo, looking right at Natachelle's tits, his eyes level with them.
"There's a lot of advantages to having a small lover...he can get everywhere," said Natachelle.
"BUT I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!" screamed Sam. There was an awkward silence for a long time.
"I do love you, Sam," said Frodo. "But not physically. You're fat male hobbit and I love big elven tits. Remember how often I wanked in Rivendell when were staying there?"
"AAARRR!" screamed Sam. Then he slapped Rosie right in the face.
"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" said Gandalf, leaping in front of Rosie's body to stop Sam from touching her again. Natachelle looked disgusted. Frodo just looked stunned.
"You...you hit her," he said. "That's your wife, Samwise Gamgee. And you just slapped the shit out of her."
"WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT IT? WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT ME, ABOUT HOW I FEEL? ABOUT WHAT I'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH SINCE THE WAR ENDED? YOU LEFT ME. YOU LEFT ME HERE WITH HER! YES, I TRIED TO LOVE HER. WE HAD LOTS OF KIDS AND I DO CARE ABOUT THEM. BUT SHE WASN'T YOU. SHE'LL NEVER BE YOU. THIS IS YOUR FAULT, BAGGINS. YOUR STINKING FAULT." Then Sam lunged for Frodo, but Natachelle pulled her husband out of the way and Sam fell into a puddle of mud. He started crying.
"Oh Sam," "said Frodo.
"I sense great pain in this one," said Gandalf.
"No shit," said Merry.
"Wait," said Natachelle. "Look at his ring finger, Frodo. Use your enhanced senses."
"I see it," said Frodo. "Where he wore the ring, it's like it burned into him! But why? It didn't do that for me."
"I think I understand," said Natachelle. "Samwise was the most innocent hobbit of all when he wore the Ring. It had to try extra hard to get any kind of power over him. It had to BURN into his very finger, to pass some of Sauron's evil into his body. You have been living with that burden ever since, Samwise. Please, let me heal you."
"I don't need anything from you!" sobbed Sam. But Natachelle leaned down into the mud and look Sam in the eys. "You're...so beautiful," he said.
"Heal," said Natachelle, touching his forehead.
"I feel...I feel the pain lifting!" said Sam.
"I will take it from you," said Natachelle. "I've had thousands of years to prepare."
"I'm....I..." Sam's cheeks went red and rosey, like they used to be. "Oh no. Oh Rosie! OH NO. WHAT DID I DO TO YOU?"
"It's okay," said Rosie, meekly. "You were'nt yourself."
"Let me heal you too," said Natachelle. Then she touched Rosie.
"My scars!" said Rosie, looking at her body. "All the bruises from all the beatings Sam gave me...all gone! Thank you!"
"It's cool, biatch!" said Natachelle.
"Well!" said Gandalf. "Now all we have to do is take the shoe from...FRODO, LOOKOUT!"
"What...SHIT!" said Frodo as Ted Sandyman drove a knife into his chest.
"FOR FRIMBO!" said Ted, as old Frimbo himself ran away in the confusion...ran towards Bagend.
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
"NOOO!" said Sam. "FUCKING SANDYMAN!" Sam chopped Ted Sandyman's dirty head off with one stroke off Sting.
"It's alright, Sam!" said Frodo. He pulled his shirt up showing the MITHRAL VEST underneath. "I wore it just in case...people are always trying to stab me in Middle Earth."
"Oh," said Sam, sheepishly looking away from Sandyman's headless body.
"I always said he'd come to a bad end," said Merry.
"When?" said Pippin.
"I'm sure I said it once," said Merry.
"Once isn't always!" said Pippin.
"SILENCE!" said Gandalf. "Why has Frimbo ran to Bagend?"
"The dynamite!" said Sam.
"Oh yeah, I always meant to pick that stuff up," said Gandalf.
"HAHAHA!" came the voice of Frimbo. "I WILL NOT GIVE YOU THE SATISFACTION OF CLEAVING MY GREAT FOOT AND TAKING THE SHOE FOR YOUR OWN. IT WILL DIE WITH ME AND WITH YOUR BELOVED BAGEND. FRIMBO WINS. FRIMBO ALWAYS WINS! AND BY THE WAY, TED SANDYMAN AND I RAPED BARRY MCGEE TOGETHER AND ROGERED HIM TO DEATH WITH APPLES. I'M COMPLICATED. HAHAHAHAHA!"
"GET DOWN!" shouted Sam. Everyone threw themself down. There was a loud explosion. Grass, dirt, pieces of furniture were blown everywhere. Bagend was no more. Yet one thing remained in the rubble...
"The shoe!" said Pippin, as the friends arrived at the crater which once was Bagend.
"Of course," said Gandalf, nodding sagely. "The shoe of Sauron can not be destroyed. Now, to send it to old Tom Bombadil for disposal."
"But Tom couldn't dispose of the ring," said Frodo.
"Ah, but you don't know the secreted untold history of the shoe of Sauron!" said Gandalf. "It was, in fact, one of Tom's old shoes. That's why he only ever wears one shoe now."
"No he doesn't!" said Merry.
"He does!" said Gandalf. "You obviously just never look at his feet! Long has he wanted the safe return of his shoe. It has been corrupted to evil by Sauron, but once it was back on the foot of Old Tom it will go back to being a simple shoe."
"Well, that about wraps everything up!" laughed Sam. Everyone smiled. He was truly the old Sam again, thanks to Natachelle. He hadn't even enjoyed killing Ted Sandyman like he would have.
Gandalf took the shoe to Tom and, while he was gone, Frodo, Natachelle and the elves stayed in the Shire. There was much rejoicing in that time. It was almost like the old days, before the War. Sam and Rosie's romance was rekinled and he impregnated her again. Merry and Pippin continued to screw like rabbits. As it turned out, their wives had fallen in love with each other and were having a lesbian affair anyway, so everyone was happy there. And Bagend itself was rebuilt in the exact same place as before, but bigger, with more room for the children to play and for Sam to be alone if he ever felt the shadow of darkness return to his mind.
But at last Gandalf returned and it was time for he, Frodo and Natachelle to go over the Sea again. Sam, Merry and Pippin went with them again to the Grey Havens.
"I will not say 'do not weep'," said Gandalf. "For not all tears are an evil...hang on, did I say that last time? Shit. Sorry, guys. I'm getting old. Need to come up with some new material for next time."
"Wait," said Pippin. "There'll be a next time?" The old wizard winked at his hobbit friend.
"WHO CAN SAY," he said.
"Well, Sam," said Frodo. "This is it again."
"I still wish I could come with you," said Sam. "But I understand now, Mister Frodo. You love tits. I get it. I quite like them too. I just like you more. But it's okay. I'll just picture your beautiful face whenever I fuck Rosie. Heck, I've been doing that anyway! Everything will be fine now."
"Oh Sam!" said Frodo, hugging him. "And remember, you were a Ring Bearer too...eventually, it'll be your time to came to the Undying Lands."
"And don forget, elves are into some real kinky shit," said Natachelle. "You never know, you might get to screw Frodo afterall...while I watch, sucking off Elrond or something!"
"Err, cool," said Sam. Then Frodo, Gandalf, Natachelle and the elves got on the last boat and it saild out. Sam, Merry and Pippin watched as it disappeared at last over the horizon.
And so the journey back to Hobbiton began. At last they rode over the downs and took the East Road, and then Merry and Pippin rode on to Buckland; and already they were singing again as they went. But Sam turned to Bywater, and so came back up the Hill, as day was ending once more. And he went on, and there was yellow light, and fire within; and the evening meal was ready, and he was expected. And Rose drew him, and set him in his chair, and put little Elanor upon his lap.
He drew a deep breath. "Well, I'm back," he said.
THE END
"It's alright, Sam!" said Frodo. He pulled his shirt up showing the MITHRAL VEST underneath. "I wore it just in case...people are always trying to stab me in Middle Earth."
"Oh," said Sam, sheepishly looking away from Sandyman's headless body.
"I always said he'd come to a bad end," said Merry.
"When?" said Pippin.
"I'm sure I said it once," said Merry.
"Once isn't always!" said Pippin.
"SILENCE!" said Gandalf. "Why has Frimbo ran to Bagend?"
"The dynamite!" said Sam.
"Oh yeah, I always meant to pick that stuff up," said Gandalf.
"HAHAHA!" came the voice of Frimbo. "I WILL NOT GIVE YOU THE SATISFACTION OF CLEAVING MY GREAT FOOT AND TAKING THE SHOE FOR YOUR OWN. IT WILL DIE WITH ME AND WITH YOUR BELOVED BAGEND. FRIMBO WINS. FRIMBO ALWAYS WINS! AND BY THE WAY, TED SANDYMAN AND I RAPED BARRY MCGEE TOGETHER AND ROGERED HIM TO DEATH WITH APPLES. I'M COMPLICATED. HAHAHAHAHA!"
"GET DOWN!" shouted Sam. Everyone threw themself down. There was a loud explosion. Grass, dirt, pieces of furniture were blown everywhere. Bagend was no more. Yet one thing remained in the rubble...
"The shoe!" said Pippin, as the friends arrived at the crater which once was Bagend.
"Of course," said Gandalf, nodding sagely. "The shoe of Sauron can not be destroyed. Now, to send it to old Tom Bombadil for disposal."
"But Tom couldn't dispose of the ring," said Frodo.
"Ah, but you don't know the secreted untold history of the shoe of Sauron!" said Gandalf. "It was, in fact, one of Tom's old shoes. That's why he only ever wears one shoe now."
"No he doesn't!" said Merry.
"He does!" said Gandalf. "You obviously just never look at his feet! Long has he wanted the safe return of his shoe. It has been corrupted to evil by Sauron, but once it was back on the foot of Old Tom it will go back to being a simple shoe."
"Well, that about wraps everything up!" laughed Sam. Everyone smiled. He was truly the old Sam again, thanks to Natachelle. He hadn't even enjoyed killing Ted Sandyman like he would have.
Gandalf took the shoe to Tom and, while he was gone, Frodo, Natachelle and the elves stayed in the Shire. There was much rejoicing in that time. It was almost like the old days, before the War. Sam and Rosie's romance was rekinled and he impregnated her again. Merry and Pippin continued to screw like rabbits. As it turned out, their wives had fallen in love with each other and were having a lesbian affair anyway, so everyone was happy there. And Bagend itself was rebuilt in the exact same place as before, but bigger, with more room for the children to play and for Sam to be alone if he ever felt the shadow of darkness return to his mind.
But at last Gandalf returned and it was time for he, Frodo and Natachelle to go over the Sea again. Sam, Merry and Pippin went with them again to the Grey Havens.
"I will not say 'do not weep'," said Gandalf. "For not all tears are an evil...hang on, did I say that last time? Shit. Sorry, guys. I'm getting old. Need to come up with some new material for next time."
"Wait," said Pippin. "There'll be a next time?" The old wizard winked at his hobbit friend.
"WHO CAN SAY," he said.
"Well, Sam," said Frodo. "This is it again."
"I still wish I could come with you," said Sam. "But I understand now, Mister Frodo. You love tits. I get it. I quite like them too. I just like you more. But it's okay. I'll just picture your beautiful face whenever I fuck Rosie. Heck, I've been doing that anyway! Everything will be fine now."
"Oh Sam!" said Frodo, hugging him. "And remember, you were a Ring Bearer too...eventually, it'll be your time to came to the Undying Lands."
"And don forget, elves are into some real kinky shit," said Natachelle. "You never know, you might get to screw Frodo afterall...while I watch, sucking off Elrond or something!"
"Err, cool," said Sam. Then Frodo, Gandalf, Natachelle and the elves got on the last boat and it saild out. Sam, Merry and Pippin watched as it disappeared at last over the horizon.
And so the journey back to Hobbiton began. At last they rode over the downs and took the East Road, and then Merry and Pippin rode on to Buckland; and already they were singing again as they went. But Sam turned to Bywater, and so came back up the Hill, as day was ending once more. And he went on, and there was yellow light, and fire within; and the evening meal was ready, and he was expected. And Rose drew him, and set him in his chair, and put little Elanor upon his lap.
He drew a deep breath. "Well, I'm back," he said.
THE END
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
BUMP FOR FREEDBACK ON THE WHOLE STORY NOW THAT IT'S FINISHED
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Yeah, I could have kept string it out but I realised I post about 34 of these stories a year and never actually end them.
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Yes.
Ishcabittle
Well-known member
Best story ever, even better than Cats. I'm going to read it again and again.
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
I could return to the Frimboverse one day to see what Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli are up to...WHO KNOWS.
Yub
Anachrophobic
They could take the Shoe to Tom and have adventures and eat bacon. Bacon was sorely lacking during that story. Maybe Legolas could ride a warg and play polo while singing IT'S THIS OR WILL TURNER, TAKE YOUR PICK! MY CAREER IS DEADER THAN GOLLUM.
Then Gollum could retun from the dead or something. I DON'T KNOW, IMPRESS US WACKY
Then Gollum could retun from the dead or something. I DON'T KNOW, IMPRESS US WACKY