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I don't have a place to put the sadness

Who did you talk to that day?
I saw you a couple weeks before
You always seemed happy
Smile on your face
Giggle or laugh here or there
 
Thinking it was a car accident at first, or some boating accident. And then learning that you had decided to end it.
 
You hung yourself.
In the stairs.
And then they repainted them.
And then they sold
and the new owner,
what do they think about
when they go down those stairs?
Did they re paint them again?
 
This is such a depressing time of year for me and others now. I totally get it.
I feel sadness like I never have before, grief.
Then Covid happened, that same year, right after you died.
I worked at the bank. Looked at the building you killed yourself in.
The drive thru at the bank was closed and then re-opened during covid and I worked in the drive up window and looked at that building and made my peace with it. Buying flowers at the farmers market every week and bringing them to work to spread some joy.
 
Your mom misses you
I feel like she was devastated
but now she says you are free
and that you chose this
and she seems happy for you
but misses you terribly
and she feels something because of it, I don't know
if she feels responsible, or just the sadness or any regret
like, "Why, how?" and "Why, how could I have not stopped it"
We all feel that
you had such a smile
smiled
 
I ask people now how they are doing.
I pause before rushing away.
I don't feel I can prevent a death, but maybe I can reach out a little more. (there is that phrase)
 
I tried to have fun this month, and it has been a little bit fun, and akward. One of the decorations is a hanging man, and he hangs by the stairs, that is fucking awful. I never brought it up. OMG.
 
The people in an experiment who were able to express themselves and thier emotions were much healthier than those that supressed thier emotions.
 
Mirah said:
I can go a week without seeing another human

Is it worse to be in that place
or
the place where there are many humans, but none are really chatting with you
wtf
thats wierd too
and then
the
words
"You must be intentional about being with people"
yeah
intentional
that word
things don't just happen by accident anymore
its all planned
then blogged and logged and posted
Don't forget the tik tok
and go live
if you want to talk to your followers
followers
foolower
ower
fall
oh
oh
were
Click to expand...

Makes me wonder just a little about going in to the wilderness this time of year.
Is it a mistake?
A mistake I am willing to make.
I think it will be nice
right by the river.
I will see a bear, some deer.
 
It may be important to write in here when I am not sad.
Tho just opening this thead I feel the sadness.
Ugh.
So I am going to remain lite and positive because that is how I am feeling at the moment, tho stressed from lots of things to do and no clear dates or direction of my next steps.
Anyway, not the point of me writing in here.

Last night I spoke with someone else I know who also lost someone to suicide this last year. Just in September actually. It is very sad, sad what is left behind, the people that want to help and be there for people.

Now I don't know why I am here. Other than to just say that the sadness isn't in my heart like it is at times.
 
And what the fuck is up with UTI's and depression/suicide? OMG I never heard of this corelation until now.
 
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