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In this thread we shall make up exotic stories about our past!

An out-of-print, unauthorized biography has this to say about "my first time":

Awkward? To say the least. It was really a shame that he couldn't be bothered to remove the grease paint and clown costume before trying to impress the willing and nubile dancer with his red-nosed and flaccid embarrasment. Charm will only get one so far in life.
Then the crying began.
Click to expand...
 
I bought 10000 Intel shares when they were first offered at 1.80 a share, when IBM threatened to not use them as their processor manufacturer.
 
I was responsible for introducing Glucosamine and Chondroitin to the mass market.
 
So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one---big hitter, the Lama---long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consiousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.
 
(Without KARMA how do we applaud someone without interrupting the flow of the thread!?)

I refused to fight in Vietnam, so I fled to Canada and opened up a novelty Wild West Photography studio. You have to bring your own horse, though.
 
Kerb Crawler said:
I refused to fight in Vietnam, so I fled to Canada and opened up a novelty Wild West Photography studio. You have to bring your own horse, though.
Click to expand...

Looking back... that should actually read Wild West PORNOGRAPHY studio.

You do the math.
 
My poop is used as currency in Argentina.

I sweat Gatorade.

I once breast-fed a flamingo back to health.

I hate Mexicans! And I'm half Mexican! .......And I hate irony!

I once scissor kicked Angela Landsbury.

I shed my skin once a year.

I make brooms at a secret location in Georgia.
 
Well imagine how I felt when I saw The Transporter for the first time:
First I'm: " Hey! That's my CAR!"
Then I'm: "Hey! That's my DRIVER! WTF?!"

I asked Jason about that , and he said when his shift's done he moonlights as an actor. I say:...Props to him!
 
lessee...

I was trained to be the assasin for the royal court, after which I fell into a transporter and ended up in a different universe. There, I became tied to the land, and of course, travelled with a group of uber-powerfull beings and changed my appearance somewhat. I was for a while the avatar for the Goddess of Death, as well as for the Goddess of Life (on seperate occasions mind you) and ended my career merging 8 worlds together.
 
There I was, floating down the River Kwai on a discarded piece of King Kong's skull as a boat, with just my Sea Service Ribbon and my marlin spike when I surrounded by the VC and the Entire German Army! There were hundreds of them. I ripped my shirt off to show off my "Death or Glory" tattoo. As they all stared at my rippling pectorials and detailed artwork, I stabbed 20 of 'em with the marlin spike and used the reflection off of some of their helmets to blind another two or three thousand. Luckily, I managed to get their leader, Gengis Kahn, with the blinding reflection, throwing the horde into mass confusion and allowing for my escape.
Soon afterward, I sold the video rights to the entire incident to Fox news, they still use it as stock footage when they need to mention riots at cooking shows.
-SB
 
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