Is Mentalist, in actual fact, Ted Sandyman?

[CaptainWacky]

It certainly would explain a thing or twelve.

THROWING APPLES AT WAR HERO HOBBITS.

HE PROBABLY IS.

REMEMBER THAT LOTR QUOT GAME MENTY.

I BUMP IT EVERY YEAR.

AND yOU NEVER REPLY.

THAT'S GOING IN MY SUICIDE NOTE.

YEAH TED SANDYMAN SEEMED ALRIGHT AT FIRST WHEN HE WAS GOSSIPING IN THE GREEN DRAGON.

BUT THEN HE THREW THAT APPLE.

WHAT A PRICK.

WAIT, WAS IT AN APPLE?

I KNOW BILL FERNY THREW AN APPLE.

OR SAM THREW AN APPLE AT HIM.

FUCK.

ONLY MENTALIST COULD ANSWER THIS.

AS HE IS, IN ACTUAL FACT, TED SANDYMAN.

SO HE KNOWS THE ANSWER.

BUT HE'LL NEVER READ OR REPLY TO THIS.

REMEMBER THE "I WILL MURDER A MINE FIELDER EVERY DAY UNTIL CHRISTMAS" THREAD?

NEITHER DOES TED SANDYMAN.

ARGH.

FUCK YOU TED SANDYMAN.

After the Battle of Bywater on November 3, 3019, Frodo and Sam returned to Hobbiton with Merry Brandybuck and Pippin Took. They encountered Ted Sandyman at the New Mill. Ted laughed at their dismay at the destruction that had been done to Hobbiton, and he said that if they touched him he would report them to the Chief. When Merry told him that the Chief's Men had been defeated and that the Chief was about to be removed, Ted was shocked. He sounded a horn to raise the alarm, but Merry responded by sounding the Horn of the Mark, and Hobbits from all over Hobbiton responded.

The New Mill was subsequently torn down. It is not known what became of Ted Sandyman.

YEAH.

I JUST TYPED ALL THAT FROM MEMORY BY THE WAY.

SO THERE WAS NO APPLE INVOLVED.

I WAS CONFUSING IT WITH THE BILL FERNY INCIDENT.

MAYBE THAT MEANS MENTY IS BILL FERNY.

MISTREATING BILL THE PONY.

FIGURES.

OKAY.

THREAD OVER.

 

[CaptainWacky]

The problem with these "maybe Menty will reply this time even though he hasn't replied to anything I've posted for a year!" threads is that I have to keep bumping them every day in the vain hope that he WILL reply this time (he did reply to "I NEED TO TALK TO MENTY" didn't he?) even though he won't, and the more I bump it the more pathetic I look...

That said.

MENTALIST KNOWS WHERE THE ENTWIVES ARE BUT WON'T TELL TREEBEARD.

 

[CaptainWacky]

"WHAT YOU DOIN' IN MY LAND, MENTALIST?" ASKED FARMER MAGGOT, PITCHFORK AT THE READY.

"A SHORTCUT," SAID MENTALIST.

"TO WHAT?" ASKED MAGGOT.

"MUSHROOMS!" SAID MENTALIST. "WANT TO GET OFF YOUR FACE WITH ME, MATE?"

"SURE, THE WIFE ISN'T PUTTING OUT," LAUGHED MAGGOT, A KNOWN SEXIST.

"HAHA, GOING TO GO OVER TO BUCKLEBURY AND FUCK SOME BRANDYBUCK PUSSY AFTER THIS," SAID MENTALIST, PASSING THE MUSHROOM TO MAGGOT.

"HAHA, WHY STOP THERE, LET'S GO TO THE OLD FOREST AND SET FIRE TO SOME LIVING TREES," SAID MAGGOT, ALREADY HIGH.

"FUCK YEAH!" SAID MENTALIST.

"TOM BOMBADIL'S GOT SOME GOOD SHIT, COME TO THINK OF IT," SAID MAGGOT. "COME ON, LET'S MURDER MY WIFE AND GET GOING."

"WE COULD JUST GO WITHOUT TELLING HER?" SUGGESTED MENTALIST, WHO DESPITE HIS MANY FAULTS VALUED HOBBIT LIFE.

"WHATEVER, I'M GETTING BORED OF YOU," SAID THE SURLY MAGGOT, REACHING FOR HIS PITCHFORK.

"PISS ON YOU, THEN," SAID MENTALIST, SLIPPING ON THE ONE RING HE'D STOLEN FROM BILBO AND TURNING INVISIBLE TO AVOID MAGGOT.

 

[CaptainWacky]

"OY, MERRY, WHERE'S YOUR BOYFRIEND PIPPIN?" ASKED MENTALIST WITH A JAUNTY SMILE.

"He's not my boyfriend!" protested Merry.

"And I'm having a bath!" shouted Pippin from the bathroom.

"He's FILTHY!" said Merry.

"I BET HE IS," SAID MENTALIST, STEALING THEIR SILVERWARE AS THEY SMILED AT EACH OTHER.

 

[CaptainWacky]

WHAT IF MENTALIST IS NOT TED SANDYMAN AFTER ALL...

BUT RATHER...

HITLER?

 

[CaptainWacky]

IF HITLER HAD BEEN A HOBBIT WOULD HIS NAME BY HOBBITLER?

 

[CaptainWacky]

"I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M MISSING THE SITUATION ON CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER," SAID MENTALIST, BACK IN HIS TED SANDYMAN PERSONA.

"I have no idea what that meant," said Merry.

"SORRY, MATE, THINK YOUR LONGBOTTOM LEAF HAS FUCKED UP MY PERCEPTION OF REALITY FOR GOOD," SAID MENTALIST.

"Get out of my house," said Merry.

 

[CaptainWacky]

"THIS THE OLD FOREST?" MENTALIST ASKED A TREE. THE TREE DIDN'T REPLY. IT WAS JUST A NORMAL TREE.

"FUCK'S SAKE, I NEED TO FIND BOMBADIL," SAID MENTALIST. "MORE LIKE MONGADIL LOL. NO, THAT ISN'T NICE, I LIKE HIM. LIKE GOLDBERRY EVEN MORE. ESPECIALLY HER HUGE TITS!"

HE WALKED FOR SEVENTEEN HOURS.

"CHRIST I NEED A SMOKE," HE SAID, SITTING DOWN AND LEANING AGAINST A WILLOW TREE AND LIGHTING UP SOME FINE LONGBOTTOM LEAF. "PRETTY STUPID OF ME TO WALK FOR SEVENTEEN HOURS," HE YAWNED.

"Fresh meat," thought Old Man Willow...

 

[CaptainWacky]

MENTY WOKE TO FIND HIMSELF IN DARKNESS. HE WAS TRAPPED INSIDE OLD MAN WILLOW, THOUGH HE DID NOT EVEN KNOW IT.

"AM I DEAD?" HE ASKED, TRYING TO MOVE. "I CAN'T FEEL MY BODY. IS THIS THE PRICE I PAY FOR THE LIVE I LIVED? SHOULD I HAVE HUNG OUT AT THE GREEN DRAGON WITH THE OTHER HOBBITS MORE? BUT THEY WERE ALL SO BORING! I MUCH PREFERED BREAKING INTO THEIR HOUSES AND HAVING MY WAY WITH THEIR WIVES. CONSENTUALLY, I MIGHT ADD! EVEN THAT I GREW BORED OF. THAT'S WHY I WANTED TO GO TO BREE. I WANTED TO FUCK A HUMAN. I NEVER HAVE. BUT IMAGINE IT, SEX WITH A BIG PERSON. IT IS THE DREAM OF ALL HOBBITS. BUT IT SEEMS IT IS NOT TO BE..."

"HEY HO, FUCK A TROLL, HEY HEY TOMBOMBADILO," CAME A VOICE FROM OUTSIDE.

"TOM!" SHOUTED MENTY, BUT THE WORDS WERE LOST INSIDE OLD MAN WILLOW. "SAVE ME YOU HAT-WEARING SPAGHETTI LOVING FUCKFACED METAL FISH!"

"OH WELL, OFF HOME TO PLAY WITH GOLDBERRY'S TITS," SAID TOM. AND THE REST WAS SILENCE.

 

[CaptainWacky]

MENTY THOUGHT HE HAD DIED. BUT THEN HE OPENED HIS EYES. GOLDBERRY'S TITS WERE IN FRONT OF HIM.

"I save you!" said the beautiful daughter of the river.

"THANK YOU, SWEETHEART," SAID MENTY. "BUT HOW DID YOU GET ME OUT OF OLD MAN WILLOW WITHOUT TOM'S HELP?"

"Why, that's easy," said Old Man Willow, with a chuckle. "She showed me her tits!"

And they all laughed for a full five minutes.

Meanwhile Sauron's army was massing in the East and Gollum was killing babies for food...