CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
"WRITHING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS, YEAH," sang Johnny Nose as he strolled up to his mother's house. "I CAN'T WAIT TO RAPE THEIR FACES. WRITHING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS, YEAH. AND IT'S BEEN SO LONG. SINCE I WAS DISOWNED FOR STEALING. WRITHING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS."
He knocked the door. As soon as it opened he shouted "HEEEEEEEEEERE'S JOHNNY!" as he'd been planning to do. A girl he didn't know was standing there.
"Hi?" she said.
"You're not bad looking!" said Johnny. "Are you over fourteen?"
"I'm twenty three," she said.
"I didn't ask that," he said. "Well, are you going to let me in or not?"
"Who are you?"
"I'm Johnny and this is my house. I BUILT IT."
"Dad..."
A man joined her. Johnny didn't recognise him either. Was this really the right house?
"Who the fuck are you?" he asked.
"Look, I think you have the wrong house..." he started. But then Johnny saw his mother. Her barged in, pushing the girl almost off her feet.
"HI MOTHER," sad Johnny. "REMEMBER WHEN YOU SMOKE AND DRANK DURING PREGNANCY? HEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE'S JOHNNY!"
"Johny, what are you doing here?"
"I always come round at Christmas!"
"I haven't seen you in two years," his mother said, trying not to cry.
"Oh, I just snuck in and stole all your booze last year. And raped the cat. That was me! Surprise!"
"Do you need me to..." started the man. Johnny stopped him with a glare.
"This your latest fuck buddy?" he asked. "How many men have you slept with since you murdered dad?"
"Johnny, your dad walked out on us. He's still alive and you could go and see him right now if you liked," said his mother. She definitely wasn't crying. She just looked angry.
"Mum, come on, don't you want me here?"
"You stole from me, you betrayed my trust again and agan...and it looks like you haven't changed."
"Who's she?" asked Johnny, pointing at the girl, changing the subject.
"My daughter," said the man.
"So is she going to let me touch her breasts or not?" asked Johnny, leering at them. The girl looked a bit scared.
"Get out now before I call the police," said his mother.
"Come on, let me at least rape the cat again," said Johnny. "Where is she..."
"We don't have a cat," said his mother, calmly. "You gave the last one to a homeless man four years ago and he took it to Wales with him."
"Oh yeah, I remember!" said Johnny. "I thought she'd find her way home. So what did I rape last year then...was it YOU?" he said, reaching out to the girl.
Her father punched Johnny in the face. He fell on the floor and didn't get back up.
"Oh come on!" said Johnny. "I wasn't going to rape her, I was just going to sing a rap! That's the joke! I'm using the word rape when I really mean rap! I did a rap for the cat last year! AND IT WENT SOMETHING LIKE THIS: WELL I'm THE KITTY KAT WHO KNOW'S WHERE IT'S AT, JOHNNY GAVE ME TO A HOMELESS MAN AND...wait, how did it go again"?
"GET OUT," cried his mother. "You're not my son."
"I...I am!" said Johnny. "You squeeze me out your bumhole or whatever it is women do, you can't just disown me now! I only stole from you for fun, it wasn't personal!"
"You burned every photo I had for my mother for no reason once," said his mother.
"She was a bitch!" said Johnny.
"You have to go, now," said the man.
"I'm calling the police," said the girl, taking her phone out.
"Okay, okay, I'll go," said Johnny, standing up slowly. He acted like the punch had hurt him worse than it had. Then, suddenly, he grabbed the girl's phone and ran outside. "GOT YOU!"
He ran and ran without looking back. Eventually he stopped and called the first number one the pone. A boy asked.
"Hi," said Johnny. "I think I just raped the owner of this phone!"
"What the fuck?" asked the boy.
"WELL I WENT FOR VISIT AT MY MUM'S HOUSE, NOTHING WAS STIRRING, NOT EVEN A MOUSE, I BROKE DOWN THE DOOR AND I FOUND A GIRL, SHE WAS SLEEPING AS SOUNDLY AS A SQUIRREL, SO I SAID HEY, WHY NOT DO A RAPE, SO I RAPED AND RAPED AND THEN ESCAPED! YEEEEEEEEEEAH!"
"Who the fuck is this!"
"IT'S BRUTUS BEEFCAKE!" said Johnny. He threw the phone over a fence. "I'M BRUTUS FUCKING BEEFCAKE."
He sat on the pavement and started to cry. It was snowing now.
He knocked the door. As soon as it opened he shouted "HEEEEEEEEEERE'S JOHNNY!" as he'd been planning to do. A girl he didn't know was standing there.
"Hi?" she said.
"You're not bad looking!" said Johnny. "Are you over fourteen?"
"I'm twenty three," she said.
"I didn't ask that," he said. "Well, are you going to let me in or not?"
"Who are you?"
"I'm Johnny and this is my house. I BUILT IT."
"Dad..."
A man joined her. Johnny didn't recognise him either. Was this really the right house?
"Who the fuck are you?" he asked.
"Look, I think you have the wrong house..." he started. But then Johnny saw his mother. Her barged in, pushing the girl almost off her feet.
"HI MOTHER," sad Johnny. "REMEMBER WHEN YOU SMOKE AND DRANK DURING PREGNANCY? HEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE'S JOHNNY!"
"Johny, what are you doing here?"
"I always come round at Christmas!"
"I haven't seen you in two years," his mother said, trying not to cry.
"Oh, I just snuck in and stole all your booze last year. And raped the cat. That was me! Surprise!"
"Do you need me to..." started the man. Johnny stopped him with a glare.
"This your latest fuck buddy?" he asked. "How many men have you slept with since you murdered dad?"
"Johnny, your dad walked out on us. He's still alive and you could go and see him right now if you liked," said his mother. She definitely wasn't crying. She just looked angry.
"Mum, come on, don't you want me here?"
"You stole from me, you betrayed my trust again and agan...and it looks like you haven't changed."
"Who's she?" asked Johnny, pointing at the girl, changing the subject.
"My daughter," said the man.
"So is she going to let me touch her breasts or not?" asked Johnny, leering at them. The girl looked a bit scared.
"Get out now before I call the police," said his mother.
"Come on, let me at least rape the cat again," said Johnny. "Where is she..."
"We don't have a cat," said his mother, calmly. "You gave the last one to a homeless man four years ago and he took it to Wales with him."
"Oh yeah, I remember!" said Johnny. "I thought she'd find her way home. So what did I rape last year then...was it YOU?" he said, reaching out to the girl.
Her father punched Johnny in the face. He fell on the floor and didn't get back up.
"Oh come on!" said Johnny. "I wasn't going to rape her, I was just going to sing a rap! That's the joke! I'm using the word rape when I really mean rap! I did a rap for the cat last year! AND IT WENT SOMETHING LIKE THIS: WELL I'm THE KITTY KAT WHO KNOW'S WHERE IT'S AT, JOHNNY GAVE ME TO A HOMELESS MAN AND...wait, how did it go again"?
"GET OUT," cried his mother. "You're not my son."
"I...I am!" said Johnny. "You squeeze me out your bumhole or whatever it is women do, you can't just disown me now! I only stole from you for fun, it wasn't personal!"
"You burned every photo I had for my mother for no reason once," said his mother.
"She was a bitch!" said Johnny.
"You have to go, now," said the man.
"I'm calling the police," said the girl, taking her phone out.
"Okay, okay, I'll go," said Johnny, standing up slowly. He acted like the punch had hurt him worse than it had. Then, suddenly, he grabbed the girl's phone and ran outside. "GOT YOU!"
He ran and ran without looking back. Eventually he stopped and called the first number one the pone. A boy asked.
"Hi," said Johnny. "I think I just raped the owner of this phone!"
"What the fuck?" asked the boy.
"WELL I WENT FOR VISIT AT MY MUM'S HOUSE, NOTHING WAS STIRRING, NOT EVEN A MOUSE, I BROKE DOWN THE DOOR AND I FOUND A GIRL, SHE WAS SLEEPING AS SOUNDLY AS A SQUIRREL, SO I SAID HEY, WHY NOT DO A RAPE, SO I RAPED AND RAPED AND THEN ESCAPED! YEEEEEEEEEEAH!"
"Who the fuck is this!"
"IT'S BRUTUS BEEFCAKE!" said Johnny. He threw the phone over a fence. "I'M BRUTUS FUCKING BEEFCAKE."
He sat on the pavement and started to cry. It was snowing now.
