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Johnny Nose Goes On Big Brother

CaptainWacky

CaptainWacky

I want to smell dark matter
PROLOGUE

He stood in front of the mirror. He saw a face looking back at him. He wasn't sure if it was his. It was smiling at him. Trying to make him feel better. It could pass for a normal face, he thought. His expressions had gotten better. Not as exaggerated as they used to be. Yeah, he could pass for human. But he'd done that before. So many times he'd passed for human and where had it got him? Here. But he was fine now, wasn't he? The medication really worked. Finally, he could make some kind of sense of the world. Finally he could look at himself in the mirror without laughing like a maniac and fighting the urge to headbutt it. Oh, he had headbutted a mirror once. At a party. He'd panicked and thrown it outside. A girl had stepped on the broken glass. But why was she in her bare feet anyway? It was her own stupid thought...

He still got lost in his past sometimes. But he could control it. He could control everything now. He was still Johnny Nose just...a focused Johnny Nose. A calm Johnny Nose. A Johnny Nose in charge of his own destiny.

It wouldn't last. It never did. He knew that. That thought was there. In his head. But even that was different. In the old days that thought would have taken him over. He would have stopped taking the medication right away, even while it was still working. He'd think there was no point, that he might as well give up right away. Not now. There was still no point, yes, but that thought didn't take him over. He'd keep taking the medication for as long as the good feeling lasted.

He'd been looking at himself for a really long time now. What did he want to do? What did he want to do with himself, he asked.

Was he ready to get back in the world?

He wans't sure. He was in control now, sure, but he was still Johnny Nose. Johnny Nose and normal people...they didn't mix. Not in the long run. Eventually they'd find him out. They always found him out. Real life could not sustain itself...no. He would do something shorter. Something that last a few months. Something he could handle with the medication.

He'd always wanted to go on Big Brother.

Could he handle it? Would he even get on? It wasn't as popular anymore. Less people auditioning. Maybe he could get through. Maybe if he showed just a little bit of Johnny Nose they'd be intrigued. Not too much...but enough. He knew he was unique. They'd see that too. It was something people saw in him...before they started to get scared of him.

He'd do it. Johnny Nose would go on Big Brother.
 
Johnny waited patiently as other potential housemates were selected to go through to the next stage of the interviews. He watched at least a dozen people be picked before him. He grew frustrated. They were picking the obnoxious people. The loud. The overweight. The woman who had come dressed in a bikini. She looked cold. Johnny felt sorry for them, being so desperate for attention. But he also felt angry at being passed up. Maybe he could be Johnny Nose again, just for a minute. The full Johnny Nose...or a simulation anyway. He was still on the medication, so he could never fully be Johnny Nose...but he remembered how Johnny Nose used to act. He could use that to get through to the next interview and then his personaltiy would come out without the need for dramatics.

He stood up.

"FIRE, FIRE!" he shouted. "THERE'S A FUCKDAMN FIRE!" People darted around, looking for the fire. Johnny sat back down again. One of the staff came out, one of the people responsible for selecting the next potential housemate to be interviewed. Johnny saw his chance.

"Hello!" he said, standing up and shaking the man's hand. He looked confused. "I was just saying I'm a sexy fireman with Asperger's and I'm looking for love! I don't know if that's what you're looking for in a housemate..."

"He's lying!" said a goth girl. "He said there was a fire! He scared people!"

"Is that true?" asked the staff member.

"No, if there was a fire here, I can assure you I would know about it!" said Johnny.

"That's not what he meant!" protested the goth girl. Johnny just grinned.

"Look, do you want to take one of these whiners through to the next stage, or do you want the best? Do you want the fun-loving, outgoing, socially adapt policeman with WEBBED FEET?"

"You said you were a fireman," said the staffed.

"Oh, I wasn't talking about me, the policeman just left. I was going to ask if you wanted him and when you said yes I'd say it's too bad because he just ran away but you can have me instead!"

"Come through then," said the staffer, a bit baffled but slightly intrigued.

"That's not fair!" said the goth.

"Sorry," said Johnny. "Better luck next year!"

"But I might be called later..."

"Nah, once they talk to me they're realise they don't need anyone else in the house. Just me and that cold girl in the bikini. I'll soon warm her up! And not with a fire, either..."

"Look, are you coming or not?" asked the staff member.

"Oh, sorry," said Johnny.

The next stage was a one on one interview in a mock-up of the Big Brother house's Diary Room chair. Johnny couldn't see who was talking to him, only hear their voice. It was just like being on the show. It was even being filmed.

"Name, please?" asked the woman.

"Brad Pitt," he said, straight-faced. The medication helped him keep his face under control.

"Your real name?" repeated the woman.

"Johnny Nose," he said.

"And what makes you think you'll be a good Big Brother housemate?" she asked. He'd thought she'd ask more questions before getting to that. Maybe he'd annoyed her with the Brad Pitt remark. He had to make his answer good.

"Because Big Brother's been shit since it went to Channel Five, and you fuckdamn need me," he said, with confidence. He really believed it. "I'll be entertaining. Not in a fake way. Not in a stupid way where I go around mindlessly insulting people and say I'm 'just being real'. I'll be witty. I'll keep talking. I'll keep doing things. I'll keep the other housemates doing things. There won't be any dead moments with me around. And I won't get down. I'll never moan about wanting to go home, not unless I'm doing it to manipulate my fellow housemates. Oh, and I'll manipulative alright! I'll lie my arse off to all of them. Why not, it's just a game. But I'll be likable too. I'll tell the viewers exactly what I'm doing in the Diary Room. I'll let them in on everything, they'll be a co-conspirator. And I won't be one of those boring 'game-players' who talk big but never actually do anything. Everything I do, every word I say, will have a purpose. Whatever's needed of me, I'll do it, I'll say it. I'll kiss ass to stay in the house, and I'll turn everyone against each other with my subtle words. I'll make them love me. And maybe I'll even have a fake romance. I'm a good looking guy, quite charming, I could do it. I'm not saying I'd have sex on tv...but who knows. And yeah, I know a lot of people must come in here and talk themselves up, but do any of them talk as well as me and for so long without resorting to dull cliches and stock phrases? I'm the real deal and you know it. My charisma is burning through that camera right now. I'm tv fucking gold. I'm Johnny Nose and I'm the future of reality tv. That answer your question?"

"It's a start," she said.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Things went smoothly from there. Johnny continued to be charming and have an answer for everything. He felt it was never being lost for words that impressed them most. He also felt like he was being himself, finally letting the person inside him out. It had started off as a created persona...but who was to say it wasn't really him? Yes the medication was what was helping this version of him come out, but did that make it any less real?

The medication. That was the one problem. He didn't tell them about it. Even when they asked if he was on any medication he didn't tell them. Even when filling out the final questionaire that came with the contract that made him an official Big Brother houseamte he didn't mention it. He'd get around to it eventually. He was in isolation in the last days before going into the house when it started to worry him. How long could he last without it? His dose had been cut down slightly recently. Of course his doctor had also told him in no uncertain terms not to come off it...

Could he smuggle some into the house? Sew it onto the inside of his underpants? He tried that. They said they examined everything before entering, but surely they wouldn't look there? But it couldn't be much. Just a small emergency stash. Sewn on the inside of his underpants.

The day of the show arrived. He had to go out there. He had his bottle of pills with him. He'd kept it on him the whole time. But they'd search him before he entered the house. He had to say goodbye to it now...

Without thinking he stuffed twelve of them into his mouth.

What was he to going to do with them? He didn't know. But he held them there as he walked out.

He was being cheered by the crowd. His entrance video had gone down well. The host was standing there waiting to talk to him. She was attractive. Nice dress.

He felt himself swallow two of the pills. That wasn't good.

"How are you feeling?" she asked. He just shook his head.

"Overwhelmed? We heard you say in your VT that you had a gameplan and you would by the people's champion. Can you really pull it off?"

He swallowed two more.

"I've pulled off heists," he said. She looked confused for a moment.

"In you go to the house!" she said.

He was the fifth person in. Two men and two women were there. One of the men was gay and seemed to want Johnny to know it. The other had stupid hair. One of the girls was pretty. The other was overweight and kept saying "oh my God!" all the time.

"Who are you, what's your name, want some champagne, oh my God!" she said.

Alcohol! That could have calmed him down. If he didn't have eight...now seven pills still in his mouth.

"I don't drink, I'm a muslim," he said, as a joke. Shit, he shouldn't have said that. Were the pills kicking in already?

"What'd you say?" asked the gay guy.

"I'm a fireman," said Johnny Nose.

"Really, don't look strong enough," said the gay guy, with a dismissive look on his face. What an asshole. And it scared Johnny that he hadn't believed him. Johnny's anxiety and pills had thrown him. The perfect persona he had crafted in the audition process was gone.

He swallowed all the remaining pills and grabbed the champagned bottle.

"Nah, only joking, I'm a party animal and this is my zoo!" he said, taking a quick swig from the bottle. "Let's get wasted!"

"You're crazy!" said the fat girl. "He's crazy, oh my God!"

"Don't drink it all!" said the gay guy. The pretty girl and the guy with stupid hair held back. They didn't want know what to make of Johnny.

He felt sick so he drank more champagne. Suddenly he felt alive. More people were coming in. An older woman with a "beware of the cougar" t-shirt.

"What, there's a cougar coming in?" he asked her.

"Err, it's me!" she said. "I'm the cougar!" She shook her hips slightly.

"I'd literally rather have sex with an actual cougar," said Johnny. "Like, the actual animal. Or a duck. I'd rather have sex with a duck. You sicken me. But hey, mabye stupid hair guy is up for it! He's standing over there trying to look cool, go twerk on him."

"You can't say that!" she said.

"I'M JOHNNY FUCKDAMN NOSE I CAN SAY WHAT I WANT!" he said. He jumped on the kitchen table. Oh dear. A moment of lucidity told him this was not the right thing to do. It passed quickly.

There were more people in now, crowded around him. He didn't remember them all coming in, let alone their names. "What are you doing?" laughed one guy.

"Waiting for someone to hand me more chamapgne, come on!" said Johnny.

"Here's some!" said a bald guy and he gave Johnny a glass.

"You shouldn't drink anymore!" said a nerdy girl...quite a cute nerdy girl, in fact. Johnny found himself looking down at her from the table. Unfortunately he was looking right down her cleavage.

"No, my lost dignity isn't down there!" he said. "Let's all do the Johnny Nose shuffle!" And he started doing a dance which he could only assume was the Johnny Nose shuffle. He then attempted to jump off the table and over gay guy's head. Instead his crotch ended up in gay guy's face.

"They say Coke Zero tastes the same, but it REALLY DOESN'T!" said Johnny.

"Get off me!" said the gay guy. Everyone was crowding round Johnny now.

"What the fuck's your problem!" asked the cougar.

"GET A PEN," said Johnny. "AND ANNA KENDRICK'S BARE BACK TO WRITE THE ANSWER ON."

"Who?" asked the guy with stupid hair, speaking for the first time.

"Look, I'm actually a Hollywood stuntman here to shock you all by diving through THAT WINDOW!" said Johnny, pointing to the closed glass door leading to the garden. "READY?" He got up, and started to run at the door, as everyone watch shocked...then dived to the ground at the last second.

"He didn't do it!" said a thick girl.

"I remembered that I left a packet of Monster Much on the floor somewhere," exaplained Johnny. Everyone just stared at him as he lay on the floor.

"Should we do something?" asked the bald guy. "You okay, mate?" he shouted to Johnny.

"I'M BETTER THAN OKAY, I'M PATRICK STEWART!" shouted Johnny. The fat girl came over.

"Oh my God, is this a task?" she asked him.

Johnny had a way out.

"Ssssh," he whispered to her. "It's a secret. Don't tell anyone. I have to keep acting drunk. Now go back to the others OR I'LL EAT YOUR HAIR!"!

"Oh my God, okay, don't eat my hair!" she said and winked at Johnny.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
I can't wait. It's like Johnny has entered that film "Limitless" (I'm sort of watching it at the moment)
 
Johnny was kind of disappointed by the affect the medication and alcohol had had on him. He felt like he was going insane in his head. He wanted to run around. He wanted to hit people. He wanted to shout at people. He wanted to tickle people. He wanted to fly. But that was just in his head. His body wouldn't respond. He was still lying slumped on the floor, giggling to himself. Housemates came over to him from time to time, but he could barely make out what they said. He thought he heard Big Brother calling him to the Diary Room as well. What did they want? To kick him out? That must be it. He'd be kicked out. He laughed to himself. Madly. Maybe he could make a snow angel on the floor. But it wasn't snowing.

"WHY ISN'T IT SNOWING?" he shouted. Ah, he had his voice back. Was he coming down? Or were the drugs only just kicking in? He had no idea and it should have terrified him but really it excited him.

"It's summer, mate," said one of the guys. Johnny couldn't remember which one he was. Where was the fat girl?

"Where's the fat girl?" he asked.

"Oh my God, don't call me fat, oh my God!" she said. But then she winked. Yes, he'd made her believe it was all a task. He winked back.

"SORRY, DIDN'T MEAN TO OFFEND YOU. I'M FINDING THIS HOUSE VERY TASKING, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!" he shouted. Some of the girls were quite good looking. At least two. Maybe three.

"You can't just fucking lie there!" said the gay guy. "We need to get on with stuff!"

"What, scared I'm taking your AIRTIME away?" asked Johnny, standing up now. He staggered forward. "It's only a charade! PLAY YOUR PART!" he laughed.

"Is this real?" asked the bald guy. He seemed one of the more intelligent housemates.

"Who loves you, baby?" asked Johnny. "I've never even watched Kojak, but it's been referenced on other shows! Anyway, you're bald. LIKE AN EAGLE."

"He's not just drunk, he's fucking high!" said gay guy. He was mouthy. "He shouldn't be allowed in here!"

"Drugs are for mugs!" said Johnny. "Stay in school, kids. They have plenty of drugs in school!"

"I don't like this," said a cute girl. Johnny felt bad for a moment. Cute girls were his one weakness. But often when he felt bad he'd go more Johnny than ever.

"I DON'T LIKE OTTERS BUT YOU DON'T SEE ME DRIVING AROUND THE COUNTRYSIDE SLAUGHTERING THEM!" said Johnny. "I do it at night when it's dark!"

"THIS IS BIG BROTHER, COULD JOHNNY COME TO THE DIARY ROOM IMMEDIATELY," said a loud voice.

"Okay!" said Johnny. He took a few steps forward and then fell over. Did he really fall? Did he throw himself onto the floor? He honestly could not tell.

"Well help him," said bald guy. He and stupid hair guy helped Johnny up.

"Stop pandering to the WEIRDO!" said the gay guy.

"Yeah, if he can't walk himself he should be here!" said a bitchy girl.

"Oh my God!" said fat girl.

"Look, we're helping him, and that's that," said the bald guy as he and stupid hair dragged Johnny up the stairs to the Diary Room.

"Bet they regret putting the Diary Room upstairs now!" said Johnny. "I can see my house from up here!"

"You need us to come in with you?" asked bald guy, opening the door.

"No thanks!" said Johnny. "Thanks Bald Guy! Thanks Stupid Hair! I hope one of you win if I'm kicked out. Bye!" He walked inside and staggered over to the Diary Room chair. He took a seat. The voice of Big Brother spoke.

"Johnny, can you explain your actions tonight?"

How was he going to get out of this one?
 
He can think on his feet can our JOHNNY.

I suspect there will be FIREWORKS AND ROARING and Katy Perry will appear encased in Rowntrees Jelly.
 
He had to present himself as sober. He was somewhat used to pretending to be sober. Well, pretending to be normal. Same thing, really. They didn't know about the pills, so that gave him an advantage. If they'd known about the pills they wouldn't even be asking him for an explanation.

He sat up. He didn't try to look sober, he just tried not to flop around like a drunk. He tried to remember how he'd been in the auditions, talking to the camera. It was no different in the actual Diary Room. And he found he wasn't nervous. Maybe that was thanks to the pills, but more likely it was because he didn't really have anything to lose.

"I just thought I'd make the opening night a bit more fun. To be honest, I'm really disappointed that you didn't give anyone a secret task. I thought I'd pretend to be drunk and see what happened. I took it too far, I'll admit that. I shouldn't have tried to jump over...sorry, I can't remember his name. But I tried to jump over him and I ended up crashing into his face. I'll apologise for that..."

"Johnny, Big Brother takes physical assault very seriously..."

"Come on, it wasn't an assault!" said Johnny. He nearly stood up in anger. He stopped himself. Remain calm. Be reasonable. "But like I said, I'll apologise to him. I really did think I could clear his head. As for the rest of it...I didn't think I did any damage to the house."

"Johnny, your actions disturbed your fellow housemates. Further, Big Brother has a duty of care to housemates, and you consumed a large amount of alcohol in a short time."

"I didn't drink that much. I spat quite a lot up into the sink, watch it back." He had been sick in the sink at one point. Maybe they would think that was him spitting it up. "I poued some down the sink too. Honestly, I didn't drink that much. Too much? Perhaps. Maybe...yeah. I know what you mean now. Jumping like that was dangerous, even running at the door. But trust me, I wasn't as out of countrol as I acted. I just wanted to fool them. I wanted them to think I was drunk but then realise I was on a task."

"Why would you wish to do that?" asked Big Brother after a somewhat long pause. They were intrigued. Was Johnny fooling them? He was partially telling the truth. He HAD been partially in control...he thought. Maybe. He'd learned to control his Johnny Nose side and he hadn't done anything too outrageous...he hadn't pissed on the floor anyway.

"So that they'd be impressed by what a good job I did. And guilty that they ruined it by asking if I was on a task, as usually you only pass a task if it's not detected. Then they'd respect me. They'd talk about this opneing night for the rest of the series! But they were too thick to figure out that I was on a task. Most of them anyway..."

"Johnny, you were not on a secret task."

"I know that and YOU know that, but they don't know that! Please don't tell them." Another long pause.

"Johnny, Big Brother will review all of tonight's footage before making a decision."

"A decision...on my future in the house?"

"Big Brother wil get back to you. For now you are free to leave the Diary Room, if you feel able and are okay to use the stairs."

"Like I said, I'm really not drunk," said Johnny. He stood up, confidentally. He just had to walk out without falling...

He tripped and nearly fell. Quickly he looked into the Diary Room camera.

"Only joking!" he said and walked out.
 
Johnny made his way down the stairs. He felt like he was floating. It worried him, for a second. He wasn't really in control, he was just managing to push himself through. His experience with altered states of consciousness was certainly helping. But at any moment he could lose it and fall. Yet somehow he found himself at the bottom of the stairs. The other housemates weren't crowding around him. He suspected they didn't want him thining they'd been talking about him the whole time he'd been gone. But they obviously had been. Everyone in the country would be talking about him...he was Johnny Fucking Nose! Already a Big Brother legend!

"I'M..." he started to shout it out loud. Then he remembered. Control. He saw bald guy coming over to him. Johnny wished he knew his name. He was one of the few housemates he could see himself being friends with. He saw Stupid Hair hanging about too. He also saw Bitchy Girl looking at Johnny then looking at Stupid Hair in disgust.

"You okay, mate?" asked Bald Guy. Johnny felt overwhelmed for a moment. He'd been in control when he'd been Johnny Nose around them. Now he had to pass as a normal person AND explain his behaviour before. He had to be consistent with what he'd told Big Brother in the Diary Room, but if he told them outright that he'd been on a task Big Brother might tell them that he'd been lying...

"You fucking embarrassed yourself, that's what you did!" said the cougar. Johnny noticed that she herself looked quite drunk now.

"Look, I just want to apologise if I offended anyone..." started Johnny. Cougar stepped at him now.

"Oh here it comes, the teary apology!" she said.

"Let him finish," said a guy Johnny didn't remember seeing before.

"Oh my God!" said fat gossip girl. Johnny noticed Bitchy Guy Gay already hanging on to her. "A fight on the first night!"

"I don't want a fight, believe me," said Johnny, trying to sound like a normal, level-headed person. "It doesn't matter if you're all angry at me, I'd fully understand if you are. I just want to say that I'm sorry and please don't take anything I said personally." Then he looked directly at Bitchy Guy Gay. This was going to hurt.

"Is that ALL you have to say?" asked Bitchy Gay Guy.

"No," said Johnny. "I shouldn't have tried to jump over you. It was irresponsible. I'm sorry for landing on top of you like that."

"Bit late now!" said Bitchy Gay Guy with a bitchy head bob.

"You can't just insult and assault people and then act like it'll all be okay!" said Cougar.

"Come on, he didn't assault anyone, it was an accident," said Bald Guy. His voice seemed to hold some weight over the others. They stopped for a minute.

"You were on a task, weren't you?" asked one of the girls. Johnny tried to look annoyed. Like he couldn't answer the question.

"He was!" said gossip girl. "Look at him!"

Johnny quickly turned his head. Would they believe they'd driven him to tears?

"But if he WAS on a task, he wouldn't be able to tell us because he's fail!" said gossip girl, trying to defend Johnny.

"He sure loks sober now," said a black guy. Johnny didn't feel sober. He felt like if he took a step in any direction he'd fall over. But he managed to stand straight and still.

"Well he's a fucking liar then!" said cougar. "You can't fucking pretend to be drunk!"

"At least we know you're not pretending!" said Bitchy Gay Guy. Gossip Girl laughed.

"I'm not drunk!" she slurred, spilling her wine as she took a step forward.

"Let's just all calm down," said Silly Hair.

"Yeah!" said the bitchy girl who obviously fancied him.

"Look, if it was an act, well done, you certainly fooled me!" said bald guy. A few of the others nodded agreement. Some of them looked impressed.

"I'd just really like to go to bed now," said Johnny. "Not feeling too well..."

"It was propbably a non-alcoholic bottle!" said gossip girl. "But let's not talk about it!" Johnny started to walk to the bedroom.

"We'll start fresh in the morning," said one of the guys. Johnny really had to learn all their names.

"Some of us will," said bitchy gay guy. Johnny just had to get to bed now. He wasn't ready to take them all on at once.

"Yeah, I think I need some sleep," said Johnny. He heard one whispering to the other that Johnny had probably been told to go to bed to keep the drunk act up. He decided not to contradict that. "Uhh, can anyone tell me which bed is mine?"
 
Johnny slept well, but still woke up before anyone else. It felt so surreal, waking up in the Big Brother house. Like the night before had been a dream. He closed his eyes and opened them again, but he was still in the Big Brother house. He started laughing, then stopped himself before it became a crazy laugh. The number one thing he had to remember was not to appear to be crazy. Especially after last night.

He wondered how long the others had stayed up after he'd flopped into bed. They'd probably been talking about him for hours. He had to know what they'd decided. He wait as they woke up one by one, watching them, seeing how they reacted to him. He didn't say much yet. He needed to know where he stood first.

He also had to find out all their names.

The tactic he used was asking the person he was talking to "hey, that guy/girl over there, can you tell me their name, I didn't catch it last night?" It worked well.


Of the men, there was Gaz, the bitchy gay guy who was Johnny's number one enemy. Johnny learned that Gaz was still talking about Johnny to anyone who would listen, telling them that Johnny couldn't be trusted and that Johnny hadn't been on a task. He'd hever to watch out for Gaz.

There was John, also known as bald guy. He was very helpful. Johnny liked him the most.

There was a black guy named Thomas. Johnny didn't know much about him but he seemed friendly with John so he was fine.

Silly hair guy was named Todd. He seemed like a bit of a prick, but he also told Johnny not to worry about last night and just get on with things. Maybe he could be an ally after all.

There was a nerdy guy named Tom. He seemed scared to do anything.

And finishing off the men was Aiden, a wannabe rapper. He kept sayng "secret mission or no, you were well jokes last night, you know what I'm saying!" to Johnny.

Of the women, the cougar was named Linda. She didn't talk to Johnny at all.

Gossip Girl was named Olive and Johnny got the impression that she'd just agree with whoever she was talking to at the time. She was a decent source of information though. She told Johnny that most people were willing to give him a chance after last night.

Bitchy Girl was named Emma and she was one of the people not willing to give Johnny a chance. She was friends with Gaz.

The girl Johnny had thought seemed nice was called Susan. He didn't talk to her much yet. She still seemed nice though.

There was a girl named Rani Johnny didn't remember the night before. She seemed shy like Tom. And kind of scared of Johnny.

Laura was the good looking girl who'd been in the house when Johnny arrived. She seemed nice, but vain.

And finally there was Jenna, a mouthy black girl Johnny couldn't remember seeing the night before. She told him it was because she'd been having an argument with Aiden about racism during most of Johnny's drama. She told Johnny not to try any shit with her. He made a note.

It would be fun getting to know them all.
 
Big Brother gave them a task later in the day, to help the housemates get to know each other. They would read out three facts about each housemate in turn and the others would have to guess which were true. It was mostly tedious stuff and easy to guess. For example, for Todd the correct fact was "I have slept with over two hundred women." Johnny wondered if it was true. It probably was, judging by Todd's modest response. Johnny hated him a little more.

Tom's fact was that he could speak Klingon. Johnny waited for him to say something in Klingon after Big Brother revealed this, to take the spotlight for a moment. But he just looked embarrassed. Johnny was disappointed in so many of his housemates.

Bald Guy (John) was a former drug addict. That made sense to Johnny. It explained his now peaceful outlook on life.

Emma's fact was that she had dumped eight guys by text message. She kept laughing about it.

Johnny zoned out on the boring fact's until it was time for his. He had lied about everything on his application, so he wasn't sure he'd know which fact they read was supposed to be true.

"Johnny Nose wrote a five hundred page novel about a serial killer!"
"Johnny Nose is a virgin and proud of it!"
"Johnny Nose once punched Andi Peters in the neck and ran off into the woods where he hid out for three weeks!"

Okay, it was probably the last one. Most people guessed the first. Rani went for the second. Did she think Johnny looked like a virgin? Gaz laughed when he saw her selection. Olive guessed the third.

"Olive is the only housemate to guess correctly!" said Big Brother.

"Oh my God, I stood her for a joke, oh my God you punched Andi Peters, who's Andi Peters?" said Oliva, crowding Johnny.

"I'd rather not talk about it..." said Johnny.

"Here we go again!" said Gaz. "My bullshitometer's flashing!"

"You think it's something I want to talk about?" asked Johnny, suddenly sounding angry and railing on Gaz. He was impressed by his own acting. At least, he thought it was acting. "You think I'm fucking proud of it? He was a cool guy, he was always nice to me, and I fucking snapped and punched him! What, you think that's something to smirk about? You too, Emma? It's all a big joke? Have you ever hit anyone? It's not nice. It doesn't feel nice. I was an animal then. A fucking...a fucking animal." And he turned away, as if he didn't want them to see him cry.

Even Gaz was shocked into silence by that one.
 
Fuck Gaz!!

This is much better than an actual Big Brother btw. I like how there are two sets of housemates with basically the same name.
 
Johnny spent the next hour or so alone, but eventually he grew bored and went to talk to the other housemates. He decided to target the quiet housemates first, Tom and Rani. They were sitting next to each otherwith a larger group, but weren't really part of the conversation. Johnny sat next to them.

"Crazy in here, isn't it?" he said. Rani smiled nervously.

"Yeah," said Tom.

"It's hard to get a word in, you know, with everyone talking?" said Johnny.

"Uh huh," said Rani. "It's hard." Then the three of them sat in slience for a moment.

"So...do you like science fiction?" Johnny asked Tom. It seemed like a safe bet.

"Y...yeah," said Tom.

"K'plah!" said Johnny, meaning success in Klingon, of course.

"Uhh," said Tom, who clearly hadn't understood.

"Oh, you speak Klingon?" came a warm, female voice. It wasn't Rani, she looked as baffled as Tom. Susan had come over. Now it was Johnny who suddenly felt awkward, as she looked him in the eye. She was really pretty.

"Well, one word," said Johnny. "It's enough to get by."

"What's your favourite series?" she asked, smoothly taking a seat on the bean bag next to Johnny. He really liked her technique for getting on the bean bag, just sliding it her legs over it in one motion as she spoke. She was cool.

"Deep Space 9, obviously!" said Johnny.

"Oh, obviously!" she said. "I grew up on The Next Generation though, so I'll alway have a soft spot for that."

"I love TNG!" said Johnny. "I grew up on it too...I'm glad you didn't say Voyager."

"What, because I'm a girl you'd think I'd like Janeway?" she said.

"No!" said Johnny, suddenly worried. But she was teasing.

"Janeway is pretty cool though," she said. "I mean, DS9 and TNG were better, but I liked Voyager too."

"Yeah, it was okay," said Johnny. He could let that go. Just as long as she didn't like Enterprise...

"Garak was the best character," she said. Was she real? Was there actually a girl in the Big Brother house who appreciated Garak as much as Johnny Nose did?

"In The Pale Moonlight," said Johnny, reverently. "Did you ever watch Battlestar Galactica? The Ron Moore version?" Surely this was pushing his luck...

"I fucking love BSG!" she said, excited. Johnny was literally in love from that moment. They spent the next half an hour talking about Battlestar Galactica.

"Wow, everyone else must be really confused by our conversation," said Johnny at last. Even Tom and Rani had got up and left, though Tom was walking back over. "So what other shows do you like?"

"Oh, you know, lots of things, Lost, Buffy...The Big Bang Theory."

"Haha!" said Johnny, laughing. "The Big Bang Theory, sure! Good one!" She was joking. She looked confused.

"Uhh, what's wrong with that?" she asked. She wasn't joking.

"It's awful, I mean, it's not funny, it's even insulting...you don't really like that!" he said, desperately. "You got my GAIUS BALTAR reference!"

"They make references in Big Bang Theory...I don't know why you're being like this," she said.

"References for stupid people!" said Johnny, snapping. He'd forgotten to play it cool. He should have just let it go. But now he felt flustered. Big Bang Theory made him like that.

"It's a funny show," she said, standing up. "I don't watch it often but I like it. Sorry if that makes me stupid."

"Wait, don't go!" said Johnny. "I didn't mean it like that."

"I need a drink of water...we'll talk later," she said. She looked upset. She stormed off, trying to make it look like she wasn't storming off.

"I can't believe it!" said Johnny to Tom. "You don't watch The Big Bang Theory, right?"

"No," said Tom.

"Do you like BSG?" he asked.

"I prefer Babylon 5," said Tom.

"FUCK OFF!" shouted Johnny, and now it was he who stormed off.
 
Hah. If I had a pound for every time I've had to bite my tongue when someone said how much they loved Big Bang Theory, why I'd be able to be able to fund research into ion drive systems! Hahahahahaha.
 
He felt completely alone in the bedroom. The others were all sitting around talking to each other as the night went on. Johnny was lying on his own bed. He didn't look at anyone. He didn't even listen in on their conversations. At one point John came over to him and asked if he was okay. "You don't need to keep checking up on me, I'm fine!" said Johnny. He didn't quite snap, but he probably sounded annoyed. John said it was fine and walked away. Johnny wondered if he'd just lost the closest thing he had to a friend in the house.

It had only been a day! And he'd swallowed twelve pills the day before. Surely that was enough to get him through? Well, no, it didn't work like that. Overdosing didn't make them last longer. It had probably just fucked up his internal organs. Well, he'd puked quite a lot of it out into the sink anyway. He was medication free, he realised. The argument with Susan had thrown off the control he had left.

He buried his head in his pillow. Maybe this was all a dream. Him, on Big Brother? Impossible! They'd never let him in. He'd imagined it all. He'd wake up and he'd be at home, alone, lying in bed thinking about what it would be like to be on Big Brother. He'd had detailed fantasies before. This was just another. He completely zoned out for a moment. He wasn't asleep, he just didn't exist. Then he came back. He looked up, dazed...and he was still in the Big Brother house. Of course he was.

He remembered the six or so pills he'd managed to sew into his underwear. Had they made it in? He hadn't checked out. He'd unpacked his suitcase but just dumped everything in his drawers. Had Big Brother found them? Surely they would have kicked him out if they had. He opened the drawer under his bed and casually looked through his clothes. He found the pants. Yes, the small piece of fabric he'd sewn in was still there. He felt relief. He tried to feel the pills inside it, but...they'd been crushed! All he could feel was powder. No! He could swallow that, but...he suddenly felt pathetic. This was what he was reduced to? He was Johnny fucking Nose, he didn't need medication! He suddenly jumped up on his bed.

"I'M JOHNNY FUCKING NOSE!" he declared. Then he realised the bedroom was empty except for Linda who was already asleep. Some cougar.

He went out to the garden where most of the housemates were. It was dark and the stars were out. "What's everyone doing?" he asked Olive.

"Oh my God, did you not see the full moon, it's amazing oh my God!" she said. Johnny looked up and was unimpressed by the moon.

"It's just the fucking moon," he said.

"Oh my God but it's so big!" she said. "Did you know what the full moon makes crazy people go crazy?"

"No," said Johnny and he walked away and straight to bed.

He was awoken by an alarm the next morning, along with the rest of the housemates. Big Brother called them to the sofas for the first shopping task, where they would have to do something stupid to win money to buy their shopping. At least it meant he didn't have to socialise as much today.

The task involved them dressing up as zoo animals. Johnny was an elephant. He watched the others laughing at their costumes and felt nothing. He wondered if boredom would defeat him before his insanity did.

But then something happened to cure his bordeom. Out of nowhere, a blazing row broke out between Jenna and Linda. And Johnny loved it.
 
Linda had been complaining about her couagar costume. "It makes me look ugly!" she'd said.

"You call yourself a cougar you GOTS to wear it, girl!" Jenna had said.

"Why did you say GOTS like that? Why would you do that?" Linda had asked.

"Don't you be fronting with me, so called couagar lady!" Jenna had said. It had gone on like that. They'd actually started arguing over the use of the word "gots". Some of the other housemates looked uncomfortable or even scared. Johnny just found it hilarious.

"You think you're some kind of black woman!" Linda had said eventually, when both wer flustered. Jenna had snapped then and started waving her arms like crazy.

"SOME KIND OF BLACK WOMAN, I AM BLACK, LOOK AT MY FUCKING SKIN GIRL, I'M BLACK THROUGH TO MY BONES GIRL, WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY THAT?"

"Don't shout it's aggressive! You all saw it!" said Linda. Everyone was just trying to back away by now. Even John, the natural peacekeeper, didn't know what to say to end this argument.

"I'll show you aggressive!" said Jenna. "And don't you be acting like I'm aggressive just because I'm black okay, I ain't not aggressive!" And Jenna stormed off into the bedroom. Gaz eventually gave Linda a halfhearted hug to comfort her. Johnny found himself standing next to Susan.

"That was funny!" he said to her. She rolled her eyes.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked, then sighed and walked away. Johnny felt ashamed. Why did he say the things he said?

"Well, Linda, I think you handled yourself well," said Johnny. Linda, Gaz and Emma had been huddled together and all three stared at Johnny when he made this unexpected statment.

"Really?" asked Linda, hesitantly.

"Seriously, I know we haven't always gotten on, but you did nothing wrong there. You stood your ground. She just snapped at you for no reason. You did well to not back down or apologise."

"I had nothing to apologise for!" said Linda.

"Exactly!" said Gaz.

"She was just trying to intimidate you," said Johnny. "You can't give in to someone like that."

"He's right," said Emma. Then she kind of smiled at Johnny. She was kind of hot, he noticed. Maybe he didn't need Susan, with her intelligence and niceness. Maybe he needed a hot bitchy girl. Linda seemed happy to have someone on her side. Gaz said nothing.

"Thanks, Johnny, wish more people saw it that way," said Linda.

"I think a lot of people agreed with what you did, they're just too scared to say it," said Johnny. Then he pointed his elbow over at Tom and Rani, who were throwing a balled up sock to each other in the garden. Linda laughed.

"They wouldn't say boo to a goose!" she said.

"They wouldn't fucking say boo to a ghost!" said Gaz and Linda and Emma laughed, even though it made no sense. Johnny got himself a drink of water then made his way into the bedroom.

Jenna was still ranting on her bed. Olive, Laura and Aiden were crowded around her. Johnny walked by them, slowly.

"What she saying about me out there?" asked Jenna. "I saw you talking to her!"

"Look, I don't want to get involved," said Johnny. "I was just trying to calm her down."

"Calm her down, what's she got to be angry about?" said Jenna. "She's a racist!"

"Old people often are," said Laura, nodding.

"My gran is!" said Olive.

"Well," said Johnny, seeing an apportunity. "She did say she has lots of black friends..."

"That's what racists always say!" said Jenna, and Laura and Olive and even Aiden nodded.

"My gran says she knows a n...a black person at bingo!" said Olive. "But she won't sit next to her!"

"Well she said it quite a few times!" said Johnny. "As if she thought it was important. Then she said you just didn't understand her and that she had to stand her ground to keep you in your place."

"WHAT!" said Jenna, jumping up. Johnny worried that he'd gone too far.

"Maybe not place, maybe just make you see her place of view...her point of view," said Johnny. "She wasn't half rambling some crap, half of it made no sense."

"Thanks for being honest, Johnny," said Jenna. "Maybe you're not so bad after all."

"Maybe not!" said Johnny. He walked away, smiling to himself. That would keep the argument going nicely and distract attention away from him.
 
Johnny sat in the corner stroking his trunk watching the housemates. Two groups had definitely formed after the argument. Jenna had Laura, Aiden, Olive and Todd, although Todd was only really in that group because he fancied Laura. Linda had Gaz, Emma and apparently Thomas, but maybe Thomas fancied Emma. He had said "check that ass" to Johnny at one pont when she had walked by.

The rest of the housemates tried to stay out of it and get on with the zoo animals task. John, dressed as a llama, had tried to stop the arguing but both Jenna and Linda had snapped at him. Johnny felt rather sorry for John. Everyone seemed to snap at him. Tom was explaining Babylon 5 to Rani. And as for Susan...Johnny spotted her getting stuck in a door in her hippo costume. He ran over to help her.

"Thanks," she said. She seemed to kind of embarrassed.

"That's okay, these costumes are really annoying. I can't smell anything with this trunk!" Johnny didn't know what he was going for with that, but it made Susan laugh a little.

"You're weird," she said.

"Look, I'm really sorry about yesterday, about the Big Bang Theory argument," said Johnny, quickly, while he had the chance. "I don't know what came over me, I just hate that fucking show." It was a mistake to swear, he realised right away.

"It's...fine," said Susan. But she looked away from him now. Awkward. He'd seen this in girls many times before. He'd revealed his true nature to her. Even if he could still make her laugh from time to time she'd never really trust him again. She knew what he was now.

"There must be a tv show you hate," said Johnny. "Friends or something."

"Friends was good," she said.

"Yeah I loved it when Joey got his head stuck in the turkey," said Johnny.

"Are you being sarcastic?" she asked. Johnny didn't even know himself.

"Why did they dress you like a hippo anyway?" he asked. Now she looked even more awkward.

"Because I used to be one?" she said, defensive. "I used to be fat?"

"Are you asking me if you used to be fat?" he said. "How would I know!"

"Just leave me alone," she said, walking away.

"Hey, at least you're not fat now!" said Johnny. "Unlike Olive!"

"What did you say, oh my God?" asked Olive.

"Uhh, I was just saying that I like Olive," said Johnny. "I like you, Olive."

"I like you too!" she said. But even she had the awkward look in her eyes that people get around Johnny. Had it infected the whole house? He thought he'd recovered from the first night. He thought the Linda/Jenna argument had made them forget. Obviously he'd been wrong.

"Sure," he said, spinning round, hitting her in the face with his trunk. He stormed up to the Diary Room.

"Hello, Johnny," said Big Brother once he got there. "How are you today?"

"Ready to destroy the rest of the house," said Johnny. "How are you?"

"Johnny, why do you feel like you want to destroy the rest of the house?"

"Because they're all so awful," said Johnny, cruelly. "Even Susan. Fuck Susan. Give me a task where I get to tell them all what I really think but we're all blindfolded at the time and I'm speaking through a voicebox. Give me that task."

"Johnny, housemates are currently taking part in the zoo animal task..."

"And it's shit!" said Johnny. "Dress us up as fuckdamn anaimls and that's entertainment? Come on! You put Johnny Nose in here for a reason. You know I can get shit done. Do you want any other Big Brother series or do you want post modern Johnny Nose Big Brother? Let me burn them, Big Brother. Let me burn the house to the ground."

There was a long pause. "Johnny, Big Brother will take what you have said under consideration. You must now leave the Diary Room and go to the cage in the garden."

"Right, because it's a zoo task," said Johnny. "OR ARE YOU JUST TRYING TO CAGE THE THUNDER THAT IS JOHNNY NOSE? BECAUSE I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING, YOU CAN'T CAGE THUNDER. IT'S A SOUND, YOU SEE. HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU CAGE THAT? IT WOULD JUST GO BETWEEN THE BARS." He stood up and ripped his trunk off and threw it straight into the Diary Room camera.

"Johnny, you must put your trunk back on immediately," said Big Brother. But the Diary Room door had already been opened and Johnny walked. He went down the stairs.

"What happened to your trunk?" asked Gaz in a bored tone.

"Peter Dinklage!" said Johnny and he march out to the garden. He'd show them. No more lying. He was happy the medication was gone. He was going to be full on Johnny Nose from now on.

He was going to show them all.
 
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