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Johnny Nose Goes On Big Brother
- Thread starter CaptainWacky
- Start date
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Johnny sat in his cage in the garden thinking of ways he could destroy the others. Todd brought him his trunk at one point and Johnny actually put it on. It was his thinking trunk, he decided. He'd do some serious thinking.
But the house moved on while he was thinking. Hours went by, as he was trying to construct a scheme to fool Olive into eating Laura's sandwiches. It sounded like a good idea at first. He would then reveal that someone had taken a dump in the sandwiches. To make it convincing, he would have to take a dump in the sandwiches. But how could he do that without anyone noticing? He'd create a diversion by convincing Jenna that John was back on the heroin again. He'd do that by telling John that Big Brotgher had given him a sepcial "pretend to be on heroin" task. But would John buy it? Maybe if Johnny convinced Emma to get him drunk first!
He went on like this, in his mind. That was the problem with Johnny Nose unmedicated. He had no self control. He couldn't stop. He thought and thought of more and more outrageous scenarios while the rest of the housemates talked and interacted with each other. Eventually John came out to make sure Johnny was okay.
"You've been in that cage for nine hours, mate," said John. "It's getting dark."
"All part of my plan!" said Johnny. "Hey, why are you not acting like you're on heroin? THAT'S YOUR TASK!"
"What?" said John, looking angry for the first time. "What do you mean by that?"
"Is that how heroin addict behave? Hmmm, maybe that was convincing then."
"It's not a fucking joke, drugs nearly destroyed my life!" said John.
"Batman nearly destroyed my life," said Johnny, seriously. "But I picked myself back up! You should do the same."
"There's something not right about you," said John. "You shouldn't be in the house."
"At least I'm not a figment of my own imagination said!" said Johnny. "I mean, really, what are the chances of there being a John AND a Johnny? Clearly you're just a representation of my conscience, trying to tell me not to shit in Laura's sandwiches. BUT I'M GOING TO, JOHN. THE SHIT'S ALREADY HALFWAY OUT. I CAN'T KEEP IT IN."
"They need to lock that fucking cage and keep you inside," said John.
"Oh, it's not locked?" said Johnny, who has forgotten that he'd gotten in by choice. He opened the door and stepped outside. "Fancy that. NOW IT'S TIME TO SHIT!" He ran into the house, but found the living room empty other than Tom and Rani, who were lying on the sofa holding hands. Johnny stared at them in surprise.
"Oh, hi Johnny!" said Rani. "You were out there a long time."
"What did I miss?" he asked, observing their fingers casually stroking each other.
"Laura and Thomas had a fight after she sat on his glasses!" said Tom, excited. "It was even better than the Jenna/Linda fight!"
"And it all happened without me..." said Johnny. "I'm going to bed." The two of them shrugged and went back to staring into each other's eyes. Johnny walked to his bed in a daze. He wasn't needed at all. The rest of the house went on without him.
He got to sleep right away. All the sitting in a cage thinking had worn him out. He and the others were waken by an announcement from Big Brother.
"This is Big Brother. This weeks nominations will begin in thirty minutes time. Each housemate must nominate the two housemates they wish to face eviction."
"WELL," shouted Johnny right away. "I SURE KNOW WHO I'M GOING TO PICK!" In reality, he didn't have a clue.
"Shut the fuck up, yeah?" said Jenna. She'd been saying Johnny wasn't so bad only a couple of days before. He had no one left. He had nothing left.
He decided to nominate in the nude.
But the house moved on while he was thinking. Hours went by, as he was trying to construct a scheme to fool Olive into eating Laura's sandwiches. It sounded like a good idea at first. He would then reveal that someone had taken a dump in the sandwiches. To make it convincing, he would have to take a dump in the sandwiches. But how could he do that without anyone noticing? He'd create a diversion by convincing Jenna that John was back on the heroin again. He'd do that by telling John that Big Brotgher had given him a sepcial "pretend to be on heroin" task. But would John buy it? Maybe if Johnny convinced Emma to get him drunk first!
He went on like this, in his mind. That was the problem with Johnny Nose unmedicated. He had no self control. He couldn't stop. He thought and thought of more and more outrageous scenarios while the rest of the housemates talked and interacted with each other. Eventually John came out to make sure Johnny was okay.
"You've been in that cage for nine hours, mate," said John. "It's getting dark."
"All part of my plan!" said Johnny. "Hey, why are you not acting like you're on heroin? THAT'S YOUR TASK!"
"What?" said John, looking angry for the first time. "What do you mean by that?"
"Is that how heroin addict behave? Hmmm, maybe that was convincing then."
"It's not a fucking joke, drugs nearly destroyed my life!" said John.
"Batman nearly destroyed my life," said Johnny, seriously. "But I picked myself back up! You should do the same."
"There's something not right about you," said John. "You shouldn't be in the house."
"At least I'm not a figment of my own imagination said!" said Johnny. "I mean, really, what are the chances of there being a John AND a Johnny? Clearly you're just a representation of my conscience, trying to tell me not to shit in Laura's sandwiches. BUT I'M GOING TO, JOHN. THE SHIT'S ALREADY HALFWAY OUT. I CAN'T KEEP IT IN."
"They need to lock that fucking cage and keep you inside," said John.
"Oh, it's not locked?" said Johnny, who has forgotten that he'd gotten in by choice. He opened the door and stepped outside. "Fancy that. NOW IT'S TIME TO SHIT!" He ran into the house, but found the living room empty other than Tom and Rani, who were lying on the sofa holding hands. Johnny stared at them in surprise.
"Oh, hi Johnny!" said Rani. "You were out there a long time."
"What did I miss?" he asked, observing their fingers casually stroking each other.
"Laura and Thomas had a fight after she sat on his glasses!" said Tom, excited. "It was even better than the Jenna/Linda fight!"
"And it all happened without me..." said Johnny. "I'm going to bed." The two of them shrugged and went back to staring into each other's eyes. Johnny walked to his bed in a daze. He wasn't needed at all. The rest of the house went on without him.
He got to sleep right away. All the sitting in a cage thinking had worn him out. He and the others were waken by an announcement from Big Brother.
"This is Big Brother. This weeks nominations will begin in thirty minutes time. Each housemate must nominate the two housemates they wish to face eviction."
"WELL," shouted Johnny right away. "I SURE KNOW WHO I'M GOING TO PICK!" In reality, he didn't have a clue.
"Shut the fuck up, yeah?" said Jenna. She'd been saying Johnny wasn't so bad only a couple of days before. He had no one left. He had nothing left.
He decided to nominate in the nude.
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
"Johnny, please return to the house and put some clothes on IMMEDIATELY," Big Brother said when he dropped his towel and walked into the Diary Room after being called to nominate.
"Oh come on, why are you so scared of nudity?" asked Johnny. "It's funny, you have a warning before every episode that the show could contain nudity but it never does! It's almost like you put that in there to get viewers! When was the last time we even saw a decent pair of naked tits on Big Brother, bro? Now Laura's, she's got a great pair on her. OOOH ARRR! Is that what men say about tits? No, probably not. And don't worry, you could show a guy's gigantic dong too. I bet Todd's got one, the smug git."
"JOHNNY, THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING, RETURN TO THE HOUSE IMMEDIATELY OR FACE EJECTION," said the sternest Big Brother voice Johnny had ever heard.
"Fine, it was just a joke, Christ on a bike, it's not like I have an erection...well...it's only a semi," said Johnny, as he got up. He picked up his towel, wrapped it around his waist and went back down the stairs as most of the house stared up at him in shock.
"You're so...fuck," said Gaz. "Fuck! You just want attention!"
"I just want to nominate in the nude as is my God given right!" said Johnny. He went into the bedroom, pulled a pair of pants on and went back to the Diary Room.
"Your pants are dirty, eww!" shouted Aiden as he walked up the stairs. Johnny ignored him. It was a lie or just a joke, right? There wasn't really shit marks on his underpants. Surely...
"OKAY," he said, sitting back down. "MY FIRST NOMINATION IS AIDEN BECAUsE HE'S GOT ME WORRIED ABOUT WEARING SHITTY PANTS!"
"Johnny, that is not a valid reason to nominate someone," said Big Brother.
"Good!" said Johnny. "I need to be more tactical. Look, obviously I'm going to be up for eviction. Not everyone will vote for me, but at least six of them will. The six BASTARDS I call them. So should I nominate THE SIX COCKS or should I nominate two people who are ALSO likely to pick up a lot of nominations, therefore making me safer? I'm talking Linda and Jenna. Dem bitches are TOTES CRAYCRAY! Then again, I am Johnny FUCKDAMN Nose! The wackiest BB housemate since Barry the Rapist back in BBC3. Oh I know no charges were ever brought against him, but we all know he did it! He had rapey eyes! Wait, that was a Big Brother I made up in my own head because I didn't have access to a tv at the time because I was homeless at the time. I wondered why nobody in here ever mentioned the series that ended with terrorists invading the house and blowing up half the housemates and shooting the other half and how only Barry the Rapist survived because he was hiding in the fridge. ANYWAY, noen of that's relevant to reality. SO! Should I nominate Tom and Rani out of insane jealousy of their young inter-racial love? Should I nominate Thomas and say "IT'S NOT BECAUSE HE'S BLACK!" but really it is? Should I nominate John for being such a GOODY-TWO-SHOES who's only trying to help me and it's the ultimate act of self destruction? No, actually, nominating Susan for not putting out would be better! She led me on! She was asking for it! She talked about Battlestar Galactica! You can't blame me for thinking that meant she wanted to marry me! Or maybe I could nominate Olive for eating my pizza when we had pizza the other night. She didn't, but you'd believe it was true because she's fat. YOU FATTISTS!"
"Johnny, please give the names of the two housemates you wish to nominate," said Big Brother. Johnny thought he heard a sigh.
"Linda for being old, Jenna for being sweary," said Johnny.
"Thank you," said Big Brother. These were obviously not valid reasons but BB must have had all the footage of Johnny it needed. "You may now leave the Diary Room."
Johnny walked out and went straight back to bed. Five hours later he sat up as Big Brother made an announcement.
"The housemates nominated for eviction this week are...Jenna...and...Linda...and....Johnny!" said Big Brother.
"SORRY, LADIS, I AIN'T GOING NOWHERE!" said Johnny. Then he realised his underpants really were shitty and that was what the smell was.
"Oh come on, why are you so scared of nudity?" asked Johnny. "It's funny, you have a warning before every episode that the show could contain nudity but it never does! It's almost like you put that in there to get viewers! When was the last time we even saw a decent pair of naked tits on Big Brother, bro? Now Laura's, she's got a great pair on her. OOOH ARRR! Is that what men say about tits? No, probably not. And don't worry, you could show a guy's gigantic dong too. I bet Todd's got one, the smug git."
"JOHNNY, THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING, RETURN TO THE HOUSE IMMEDIATELY OR FACE EJECTION," said the sternest Big Brother voice Johnny had ever heard.
"Fine, it was just a joke, Christ on a bike, it's not like I have an erection...well...it's only a semi," said Johnny, as he got up. He picked up his towel, wrapped it around his waist and went back down the stairs as most of the house stared up at him in shock.
"You're so...fuck," said Gaz. "Fuck! You just want attention!"
"I just want to nominate in the nude as is my God given right!" said Johnny. He went into the bedroom, pulled a pair of pants on and went back to the Diary Room.
"Your pants are dirty, eww!" shouted Aiden as he walked up the stairs. Johnny ignored him. It was a lie or just a joke, right? There wasn't really shit marks on his underpants. Surely...
"OKAY," he said, sitting back down. "MY FIRST NOMINATION IS AIDEN BECAUsE HE'S GOT ME WORRIED ABOUT WEARING SHITTY PANTS!"
"Johnny, that is not a valid reason to nominate someone," said Big Brother.
"Good!" said Johnny. "I need to be more tactical. Look, obviously I'm going to be up for eviction. Not everyone will vote for me, but at least six of them will. The six BASTARDS I call them. So should I nominate THE SIX COCKS or should I nominate two people who are ALSO likely to pick up a lot of nominations, therefore making me safer? I'm talking Linda and Jenna. Dem bitches are TOTES CRAYCRAY! Then again, I am Johnny FUCKDAMN Nose! The wackiest BB housemate since Barry the Rapist back in BBC3. Oh I know no charges were ever brought against him, but we all know he did it! He had rapey eyes! Wait, that was a Big Brother I made up in my own head because I didn't have access to a tv at the time because I was homeless at the time. I wondered why nobody in here ever mentioned the series that ended with terrorists invading the house and blowing up half the housemates and shooting the other half and how only Barry the Rapist survived because he was hiding in the fridge. ANYWAY, noen of that's relevant to reality. SO! Should I nominate Tom and Rani out of insane jealousy of their young inter-racial love? Should I nominate Thomas and say "IT'S NOT BECAUSE HE'S BLACK!" but really it is? Should I nominate John for being such a GOODY-TWO-SHOES who's only trying to help me and it's the ultimate act of self destruction? No, actually, nominating Susan for not putting out would be better! She led me on! She was asking for it! She talked about Battlestar Galactica! You can't blame me for thinking that meant she wanted to marry me! Or maybe I could nominate Olive for eating my pizza when we had pizza the other night. She didn't, but you'd believe it was true because she's fat. YOU FATTISTS!"
"Johnny, please give the names of the two housemates you wish to nominate," said Big Brother. Johnny thought he heard a sigh.
"Linda for being old, Jenna for being sweary," said Johnny.
"Thank you," said Big Brother. These were obviously not valid reasons but BB must have had all the footage of Johnny it needed. "You may now leave the Diary Room."
Johnny walked out and went straight back to bed. Five hours later he sat up as Big Brother made an announcement.
"The housemates nominated for eviction this week are...Jenna...and...Linda...and....Johnny!" said Big Brother.
"SORRY, LADIS, I AIN'T GOING NOWHERE!" said Johnny. Then he realised his underpants really were shitty and that was what the smell was.
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
He tried to get a reaction out of the others for a while by telling everyone that he was definitely going to stay. He did this by shouting at them.
"YEAH, MATE," he said to Aiden, who wasn't actually talking to him. "SEEMS WE'LL BE ONE YACK DOWN ON FRIDAY."
"Yack?" asked Aiden, looking around for an escape even as he did.
"THAT'S WHAT I CALL WOMEN," said Johnny. "BECAUSE OF ALL THE YACK YACK YACK, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING BROSKI?"
"I don't bruv, I'm just not feellin' you, innit," said Aiden, then walked away.
"FUCK YOU AND YOUR LOW HANGING TROUSERS!" shouted Johnny. Aiden didn't even look back. "WHERE'S OLIVE? SHE'S SO THICK I CAN SHOUT AT HER ALL I WANT."
"Don't call her thick!" said Gaz. "You fucking sorry excuse for a man!"
"You don't even like!" said Johnny, forgetting to shout for a moment.
"How would you know? I've got to know her the last few days, she's a nice girl. Everyone in here's tried to get to know each other except YOU!"
"I'm just too REAL for all you FAKES!" said Johnny. "I say what's on my mind, girlfriend! And other cliches!"
"You're just to fucking fucktarded!" said Gaz, looking really angry now. His face was very red. Johnny felt a moment of doubt. For a moment he thought maybe he was in the wrong. That he should just drop the Johnny Nose and...but he WAS Johnny Nose. The doubt disappeared.
"AT LEAST I DON'T STICK MY COCK IN THE TOASTER LATE AT NIGHT WHEN EVERYONE ELSE IS GONE TO BED LIKE YOU DO!" screamed Johnny. He heard gasps of shock. "THAT'S RIGHT, HE'S A TOASTER FUCKER FUCKFACE!"
"What's wrong with you?" asked Jenna. But not to Gaz. To Johnny.
"ME? I'M FINE. I DON'T LET THE TOASTER BURN MY COCK A LITTLE BEFORE WHIPPING IT OUT, UNLIKE GAZ!"
"I'll fucking END YOU, retard!" shouted Gaz, taking a step towards Johnny. Todd and John, ever the peacemakers, jumped between them.
"This is Big Brother, could Gaz come to the Diary Room IMMEDIATELY," came the stern Big Brother voice.
"I win again!" said Johnny as Gaz marched up the stairs. No doubt he'd be warned for using the word "retarded" and possibly for "fucktarded" as well.
"You're a lost cause," said John, shaking his head. For some reason this hurt Johnny's feelings slightly. He didn't speak to anyone for the rest of the day. Even when Gaz came out of the Diary Room almost an hour later Johnny didn't even look at him.
It was at bedtime that Big Brother made an announcment.
"This week's eviction has been moved forward...TO TOMORROW!"
"YEAH, MATE," he said to Aiden, who wasn't actually talking to him. "SEEMS WE'LL BE ONE YACK DOWN ON FRIDAY."
"Yack?" asked Aiden, looking around for an escape even as he did.
"THAT'S WHAT I CALL WOMEN," said Johnny. "BECAUSE OF ALL THE YACK YACK YACK, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING BROSKI?"
"I don't bruv, I'm just not feellin' you, innit," said Aiden, then walked away.
"FUCK YOU AND YOUR LOW HANGING TROUSERS!" shouted Johnny. Aiden didn't even look back. "WHERE'S OLIVE? SHE'S SO THICK I CAN SHOUT AT HER ALL I WANT."
"Don't call her thick!" said Gaz. "You fucking sorry excuse for a man!"
"You don't even like!" said Johnny, forgetting to shout for a moment.
"How would you know? I've got to know her the last few days, she's a nice girl. Everyone in here's tried to get to know each other except YOU!"
"I'm just too REAL for all you FAKES!" said Johnny. "I say what's on my mind, girlfriend! And other cliches!"
"You're just to fucking fucktarded!" said Gaz, looking really angry now. His face was very red. Johnny felt a moment of doubt. For a moment he thought maybe he was in the wrong. That he should just drop the Johnny Nose and...but he WAS Johnny Nose. The doubt disappeared.
"AT LEAST I DON'T STICK MY COCK IN THE TOASTER LATE AT NIGHT WHEN EVERYONE ELSE IS GONE TO BED LIKE YOU DO!" screamed Johnny. He heard gasps of shock. "THAT'S RIGHT, HE'S A TOASTER FUCKER FUCKFACE!"
"What's wrong with you?" asked Jenna. But not to Gaz. To Johnny.
"ME? I'M FINE. I DON'T LET THE TOASTER BURN MY COCK A LITTLE BEFORE WHIPPING IT OUT, UNLIKE GAZ!"
"I'll fucking END YOU, retard!" shouted Gaz, taking a step towards Johnny. Todd and John, ever the peacemakers, jumped between them.
"This is Big Brother, could Gaz come to the Diary Room IMMEDIATELY," came the stern Big Brother voice.
"I win again!" said Johnny as Gaz marched up the stairs. No doubt he'd be warned for using the word "retarded" and possibly for "fucktarded" as well.
"You're a lost cause," said John, shaking his head. For some reason this hurt Johnny's feelings slightly. He didn't speak to anyone for the rest of the day. Even when Gaz came out of the Diary Room almost an hour later Johnny didn't even look at him.
It was at bedtime that Big Brother made an announcment.
"This week's eviction has been moved forward...TO TOMORROW!"
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Johnny didn't say much the day of the eviction. He wondered ie he should go the Diary Room one last time to make a final speech about his philosophy. But what would he say? What was his philosophy? He'd wanted to do something specific by coming into Big Brother, he remembered that much. He just couldn't remember what that was. He thought back to the early days when he'd tried to pass himself off as a normal person. He beging laughing madly. He saw Emma staring over at him. "JUST LAUGHING AT ALL THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN MURDERED THIS YEAR" Johnny shouted over at her.
No, he had nothing to say in the Diary Room. Besides, going there would be admitting that he was scared that he would be evicted. Being the first evictee certainly wasn't the thing he'd wanted to achieve by going on Big Brother.
If he survived, he would change. Even unmedicated he could be likable. He'd had friends before, even when he was full Johnny Nose. Hadn't he? They tended to run away from him eventually and that wasn't an option in the Big Brother house. He'd just have to be nice to them for a while, he supposed. He could do that. He could be nice.
"GREAT BUM!" he shouted over at Todd. See, that was nice. Todd would appreciate that. And it was a great bum. "I'M BISEXUAL, BY THE WAY," Johnny shouted, but Tood was already gone.
The day went on. Finally all the housemates were called to the sofas to wait for the eviction result. They all sat there now, together. Johnny found it intimidating, having to sit next to all the people he'd insulted for the last few days. He suddenly felt very nervous. That wasn't something he felt often, or when he did feel it he'd just do something crazy to forget about it. Now he couldn't think of anything to do or say. He felt overwhelmed. He felt panicked. People looked at him from time to time and there was no affection in their eyes. He actually felt guilty, then angry at them for making him feel that way.
"Look," he said, eventually. It seemed like the announcement would never come. "Can I say something?" The words just came out. Gaz was sitting across from him.
"We've all heard enough out of you," he said. "Hopefully you'll be gone soon and we can move on."
"I just...I'm not a bad person," said Johnny. His emotions were going crazy. He felt so trapped. He felt so honest. "I'm just...I'm not normal. It scares me. I act out. It's the only way I can live." He looked around for support. Half of the housemates were pretending they weren't listening. "I'll be better after tonight if I stay, I promise."
But before anyone could reply, the voice of the host came on. She ran down the names of the three nominated housemates. Johnny heard loud boos when his name was read out. Then she said "the British public has been voting to SAVE two housemates and I can reveal that the housemate with the LEAST votes and therefore the first evictee is...LINDA!"
There was a groan from outside. No boos, no cheers, just angry muttering. They'd wanted Johnny to go. But he'd stayed. The British public often did that. They'd vote to keep the controversial characters in, to drive the other housemates crazy. That meant...they approved of Johnny Nose. They liked him.
"YESSSSSSS!" screamed Johnny at the top of his voice. "FUCKING YESSSSS!" He jumped up on the table and started dancing in celebration. "THEY FUCKDAMN LOVE ME! I'M KING OF THE WORLD! I'M JOHNNY FUCKING NOSE, THE GREATEST HOUSEMATE OF ALL TIME! FUCK THE REST OF YOU LOSERS! THIS IS MY SHOW, MINE, ONLY MINE! I WAS THE SPECIAL ONE ALL ALONG! I WAS RIGHT! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!" He then noticed Linda sobbing. She'd just been told she was being evicted and would leave the house shortly.
"You're a fucking disgrace," said John, standing up. "You act like a fucking child. No, worse! You don't deserve to be here!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" shouted Johnny, though he was actually a little scared by John's reaction. There was genuine anger in his eyes.
"STOP. FUCKING. LAUGHING." said John. Then he grabbed Johnny by the foot, sending him off balance. Johnny fell on his back on the table. He hit hard. The table broke on the impact. He was lying on the floor in pain. The other housemates were shocked, half of them trying to restrain John, others comforting Linda who was crying worse than ever now. He heard Big Brother calling John to the Diary Room. He saw that security guards had actually entered the house and were dragging John away. Johnny rolled over onto his side. He tried to stand up without help, as no one had offered any. He finally got to his feet. Most of the house were staring over at him in utter shock.
"They're going to kick John out because of you!" said Olive, who was crying.
"He...he attacked me," said Johnny.
"You deserved it!" said Jenna. "I'll fucking attack you too in a minute! Linda doesn't deserve to go and you don't deserve to be here! I'm fucking walking out if you're not kicked out."
"Me too, innit!" said Aiden.
"You went too far, Johnny," said Thomas. "I'm going too."
"You hear that, Big Brother?" said Jenna, looking up at a camera madly. "If Johnny isn't kicked out, we'll all WALK OUT!"
"Yeah!" said Olive, still crying. They all agreed with it. Not one person said they'd stay. Not one person said anything to defend Johnny. There was no going back now. No matter how nice he was, how sane he pretended to be...they'd all seen Johnny Nose unmasked. They weren't willing to live with him.
"Susan!" he said. "I...I should be on medication! I lied coming in, but I was okay for the first few days. You saw it! You saw I was normal! It's not my fault I'm like this! You're the smartest one here, you understand that it's a chemical imbalance! I'm a good man really. I like Battlestar Galactica! I even like Caprica! Lacy Rand, Susan. LACY RAND!"
She didn't look as angry as the others. He had gotten through to her, somehwat. But she wasn't going to defend him either. He recognised the look in her eyes. She just felt sorry for him, nothing more. "Johnny, do the decent thing and walk out," she said. "If it's true what you said about medication then you'll get the help you need on the outside. But you shouldn't be here. You know it."
"ALL I KNOW IS THAT I WANT TO GRAB YOUR TITS," said Johnny, bitterly. Fuck her. FUCK HER. "I THINK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME." This had stunned everyone into silence again, when Big Brother made an announcement.
"Linda's eviction will take place right now. Linda, pease say your goodbyes."
They had to evict, she'd been fairly voted out. They all knew that. But the crying and the protests started again.
"IT SHOULD BE HIM, IT SHOULD BE FUCKING HIM!" screamed Jenna. Everyone started to help Linda up the stairs. She was sobbing uncontrollably. That was when Johnny got an idea. He took one last look at Susan.
"I'm sorry for what I just said," he said sincerely. She was crying too now. He then pushed past everyone else and ran up the stairs.
"What are you doing!" shouted Gaz. But Johnny could not be stopped. Linda was at the stop of the stairs now, waiting for the doors to open.
"THIS IS MY MOMENT," Johnny shouted. She turned round and looked at him in terror. Just the, the doors started to slide open. Johnny grabbed Linda. "MOVE," he screamed.
"Don't hurt me!" she said. He pushed her roughly up against the wall. He hadn't meant to push her as hard as he did, but he felt nothing as she slumped to the floor, hurt. What had he become, he wondered. But he couldn't think about that now. This was his moment.
He stepped out of the doors. They closed behind him, probably because Jenna and Gaz were running up the stairs to attack him. He was outside now, at the top of the stairway he'd walked up to enter the house, leading down to the stage where the presenter stood. And there was the eviction crowd too. There were shocked gasps when they saw him. They'd been expecting to see Linda. And he looked crazed.
There were security guards at the door and they looked ready to grab him. They must have just been learning what he'd just done to Linda. He had hurt her badly, he wondered now? It was like a delayed reaction. Suddenly he felt guilty. He felt such guilt. Not just because of Linda, but because of everything. He climed up on the railing around the area at the door to the house. He was really quite high up. He remembered one year a housemate had dived off the stage in an attempt to crowdsurf. But the point he was standing at was about three times as high as that. He wondered if anyone would catch him. He doubted it.
"I'm Johnny Nose," he said, weakly. Then he saw the security guards running for him. He felt defiant, again. "I'M JOHNNY FUCKDAMN NOSE!" he shouted. Those were his last words. He slipped off the railing before he could jump. And he had been right. No one caught him before the concrete met his face.
THE END
No, he had nothing to say in the Diary Room. Besides, going there would be admitting that he was scared that he would be evicted. Being the first evictee certainly wasn't the thing he'd wanted to achieve by going on Big Brother.
If he survived, he would change. Even unmedicated he could be likable. He'd had friends before, even when he was full Johnny Nose. Hadn't he? They tended to run away from him eventually and that wasn't an option in the Big Brother house. He'd just have to be nice to them for a while, he supposed. He could do that. He could be nice.
"GREAT BUM!" he shouted over at Todd. See, that was nice. Todd would appreciate that. And it was a great bum. "I'M BISEXUAL, BY THE WAY," Johnny shouted, but Tood was already gone.
The day went on. Finally all the housemates were called to the sofas to wait for the eviction result. They all sat there now, together. Johnny found it intimidating, having to sit next to all the people he'd insulted for the last few days. He suddenly felt very nervous. That wasn't something he felt often, or when he did feel it he'd just do something crazy to forget about it. Now he couldn't think of anything to do or say. He felt overwhelmed. He felt panicked. People looked at him from time to time and there was no affection in their eyes. He actually felt guilty, then angry at them for making him feel that way.
"Look," he said, eventually. It seemed like the announcement would never come. "Can I say something?" The words just came out. Gaz was sitting across from him.
"We've all heard enough out of you," he said. "Hopefully you'll be gone soon and we can move on."
"I just...I'm not a bad person," said Johnny. His emotions were going crazy. He felt so trapped. He felt so honest. "I'm just...I'm not normal. It scares me. I act out. It's the only way I can live." He looked around for support. Half of the housemates were pretending they weren't listening. "I'll be better after tonight if I stay, I promise."
But before anyone could reply, the voice of the host came on. She ran down the names of the three nominated housemates. Johnny heard loud boos when his name was read out. Then she said "the British public has been voting to SAVE two housemates and I can reveal that the housemate with the LEAST votes and therefore the first evictee is...LINDA!"
There was a groan from outside. No boos, no cheers, just angry muttering. They'd wanted Johnny to go. But he'd stayed. The British public often did that. They'd vote to keep the controversial characters in, to drive the other housemates crazy. That meant...they approved of Johnny Nose. They liked him.
"YESSSSSSS!" screamed Johnny at the top of his voice. "FUCKING YESSSSS!" He jumped up on the table and started dancing in celebration. "THEY FUCKDAMN LOVE ME! I'M KING OF THE WORLD! I'M JOHNNY FUCKING NOSE, THE GREATEST HOUSEMATE OF ALL TIME! FUCK THE REST OF YOU LOSERS! THIS IS MY SHOW, MINE, ONLY MINE! I WAS THE SPECIAL ONE ALL ALONG! I WAS RIGHT! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!" He then noticed Linda sobbing. She'd just been told she was being evicted and would leave the house shortly.
"You're a fucking disgrace," said John, standing up. "You act like a fucking child. No, worse! You don't deserve to be here!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" shouted Johnny, though he was actually a little scared by John's reaction. There was genuine anger in his eyes.
"STOP. FUCKING. LAUGHING." said John. Then he grabbed Johnny by the foot, sending him off balance. Johnny fell on his back on the table. He hit hard. The table broke on the impact. He was lying on the floor in pain. The other housemates were shocked, half of them trying to restrain John, others comforting Linda who was crying worse than ever now. He heard Big Brother calling John to the Diary Room. He saw that security guards had actually entered the house and were dragging John away. Johnny rolled over onto his side. He tried to stand up without help, as no one had offered any. He finally got to his feet. Most of the house were staring over at him in utter shock.
"They're going to kick John out because of you!" said Olive, who was crying.
"He...he attacked me," said Johnny.
"You deserved it!" said Jenna. "I'll fucking attack you too in a minute! Linda doesn't deserve to go and you don't deserve to be here! I'm fucking walking out if you're not kicked out."
"Me too, innit!" said Aiden.
"You went too far, Johnny," said Thomas. "I'm going too."
"You hear that, Big Brother?" said Jenna, looking up at a camera madly. "If Johnny isn't kicked out, we'll all WALK OUT!"
"Yeah!" said Olive, still crying. They all agreed with it. Not one person said they'd stay. Not one person said anything to defend Johnny. There was no going back now. No matter how nice he was, how sane he pretended to be...they'd all seen Johnny Nose unmasked. They weren't willing to live with him.
"Susan!" he said. "I...I should be on medication! I lied coming in, but I was okay for the first few days. You saw it! You saw I was normal! It's not my fault I'm like this! You're the smartest one here, you understand that it's a chemical imbalance! I'm a good man really. I like Battlestar Galactica! I even like Caprica! Lacy Rand, Susan. LACY RAND!"
She didn't look as angry as the others. He had gotten through to her, somehwat. But she wasn't going to defend him either. He recognised the look in her eyes. She just felt sorry for him, nothing more. "Johnny, do the decent thing and walk out," she said. "If it's true what you said about medication then you'll get the help you need on the outside. But you shouldn't be here. You know it."
"ALL I KNOW IS THAT I WANT TO GRAB YOUR TITS," said Johnny, bitterly. Fuck her. FUCK HER. "I THINK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME." This had stunned everyone into silence again, when Big Brother made an announcement.
"Linda's eviction will take place right now. Linda, pease say your goodbyes."
They had to evict, she'd been fairly voted out. They all knew that. But the crying and the protests started again.
"IT SHOULD BE HIM, IT SHOULD BE FUCKING HIM!" screamed Jenna. Everyone started to help Linda up the stairs. She was sobbing uncontrollably. That was when Johnny got an idea. He took one last look at Susan.
"I'm sorry for what I just said," he said sincerely. She was crying too now. He then pushed past everyone else and ran up the stairs.
"What are you doing!" shouted Gaz. But Johnny could not be stopped. Linda was at the stop of the stairs now, waiting for the doors to open.
"THIS IS MY MOMENT," Johnny shouted. She turned round and looked at him in terror. Just the, the doors started to slide open. Johnny grabbed Linda. "MOVE," he screamed.
"Don't hurt me!" she said. He pushed her roughly up against the wall. He hadn't meant to push her as hard as he did, but he felt nothing as she slumped to the floor, hurt. What had he become, he wondered. But he couldn't think about that now. This was his moment.
He stepped out of the doors. They closed behind him, probably because Jenna and Gaz were running up the stairs to attack him. He was outside now, at the top of the stairway he'd walked up to enter the house, leading down to the stage where the presenter stood. And there was the eviction crowd too. There were shocked gasps when they saw him. They'd been expecting to see Linda. And he looked crazed.
There were security guards at the door and they looked ready to grab him. They must have just been learning what he'd just done to Linda. He had hurt her badly, he wondered now? It was like a delayed reaction. Suddenly he felt guilty. He felt such guilt. Not just because of Linda, but because of everything. He climed up on the railing around the area at the door to the house. He was really quite high up. He remembered one year a housemate had dived off the stage in an attempt to crowdsurf. But the point he was standing at was about three times as high as that. He wondered if anyone would catch him. He doubted it.
"I'm Johnny Nose," he said, weakly. Then he saw the security guards running for him. He felt defiant, again. "I'M JOHNNY FUCKDAMN NOSE!" he shouted. Those were his last words. He slipped off the railing before he could jump. And he had been right. No one caught him before the concrete met his face.
THE END
headvoid
Can I have Ops?
I remember Barry the rapist.
This should be set for GCSE's in schools. There should be reading notes for book clubs:
"Does Johnny actually like Jenna, did he sacrifice himself? Does he have a Jesus complex?"
"Is the author secretly Johnny? Are we all the audience?"
"Is Johnny's love of nudity a part of him baring his soul to the world?"
"Do you remember who had big tits?"
This should be set for GCSE's in schools. There should be reading notes for book clubs:
"Does Johnny actually like Jenna, did he sacrifice himself? Does he have a Jesus complex?"
"Is the author secretly Johnny? Are we all the audience?"
"Is Johnny's love of nudity a part of him baring his soul to the world?"
"Do you remember who had big tits?"
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Found this on Wackypedia, the eviction results for every week.
Week 1: Linda evicted. John ejected.* Johnny ejected.**
Week 2: Boris and Rose enter the house. Emma evicted.
Week 3: Jenna evicted.
Week 4: Rose evicted.
Week 5: Olive evicted.
Week 6: Gaz evicted.
Week 7: Laura evicted.
Week 8: Thomas evicted.
Week 9: Aiden evicted.
Week 10: Rani finishes fifth, Tom finishes fourth, Todd finishes third, Boris finishes second, Susan wins.
*John removed for assaulting Johnny.
**Johnny exits the house before being removed. Johnny was injured when he dived off the top of the staging area. Later held under the Mental Health Act.
Well done Susan, a worthy winner!
Week 1: Linda evicted. John ejected.* Johnny ejected.**
Week 2: Boris and Rose enter the house. Emma evicted.
Week 3: Jenna evicted.
Week 4: Rose evicted.
Week 5: Olive evicted.
Week 6: Gaz evicted.
Week 7: Laura evicted.
Week 8: Thomas evicted.
Week 9: Aiden evicted.
Week 10: Rani finishes fifth, Tom finishes fourth, Todd finishes third, Boris finishes second, Susan wins.
*John removed for assaulting Johnny.
**Johnny exits the house before being removed. Johnny was injured when he dived off the top of the staging area. Later held under the Mental Health Act.
Well done Susan, a worthy winner!
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
It's almost like he's being kept alive for future adventures...
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Some say Susan only got "the sympathy vote" because of how Johnny treated her, but I think it was when she stood up to Gaz that she earned the victory.