CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
"Oh shit," said Laura as she saw Johnny Nose enter the shop where she worked. "Shit...shit..."
"HEY, LAURA!" shouted Johnny at the top of his voice. The two customers looked at him, irritated. "YOU FUCKING WORK HERE, NOW, EH?" He grabbed some stationary and tried juggling with it, but dropped it on the floor. Both customers gave snotty looks to Laura, who tried to looked apologetic, and left.
"Johnny, why are you here? And stop shouting!"
"HAHAHA, scared you'll get fired, BITCH?" laughed Johnny. "Only joking, you're not a bitch. JUST A WHORE! Haha!"
"Mister Hippo is asleep in the back, just shut up, I like this job..."
"Mister Hippo, eh? Is he your BOYFRIEND? Remember when I was your boyfriend, Laurie-pants?"
"No, I remember when you used to tell me every morning over breakfast that you'd masturbated over me the night before," she said, coldly. Her panic at seeing Johnny had almost been totally replaced by anger.
"I wanked over you a few days ago, but it wasn't shite," he said, shaking his head. "I'll definitely wank over you again today!"
"Johnny, what do you want? It's been a year since..."
"Since we were in that group home together! Ah, the memories! You were there because you wouldn't stop cutting yourself, you silly ostrich!"
"And you were there because you're a prick," she said.
"No, it's because I'm TOO DAMN REAL, MAAAAAN!" said Johnny, spinning around in a circle with his arms out-stretched, knocking over some of the stock, then picking it up. "See, I'm helpful now!"
"Last I heard you were still in there," said Laura, wondering if she should call someone from the group home.
"Nah, they let me out a couple of months ago. I bullshitted the doctors, said I was sane and could live on my own again. Haha! If they only knew that now I live in a my brother's garden shed and sneak into his house every afternoon and bang his girlfriend! She's in a coma, you see, and he takes care of her at home."
"Really..." said Laura, now mainly just bored. She'd had enough of Johnny over a year ago.
"No, of course not really, that would be gay, YOU FAGHAG! HAHAHA! You Irish or something? Meep toes! MEEP TOES!"
"Oh shut up, Johnny," she said.
"Hey, remember that girl that was in the wheel chair?"
"I remember you pushed her down a busy street once, yes."
"Crazy times! We were both high on POTCOCAINE at the time as I recall! Anyway, the reason I brought that FAT SLUT up is because she's dead. Dead and buried. Shame you missed the funeral! I made out with her mum and she loved it, the FAT ELF."
"And when did this happen?"
"SIX YEARS AGO."
"Funny, I talked to her just three weeks ago..."
"Yeah, yeah, great, so you've seen through my complex web of lies. Meep fucking meep. Go kiss a monkey. See if I care. Give me some booze."
"Johnny, go away. Please. I've been living a good, normal life for the last year, I have friends now, normal friends..."
"Like Mister Hippo? MISTER HIPPO? CAN YOU COME OUT AND PLAAAAAAAAAY!"
"You're pathetic!"
"You know, people are always saying that to me and guess what? I never change! Apparently, I have no shame! OR PENIS! I sliced it off last week and fed it to an eight year old in a sandwich. Does that count as paedophilia? I sure hope so! Nah, only joking. I'd never slice my penis off. I need it to wank. WANK!"
"Do you never get tired of talking like that?"
"Like what?"
"Like a retard."
"I am a retard, silly-buns! DUH! DUUUUUH! I EAT TUNA OUT OF MY MUM'S VAGINA! BRRRRR!"
"No, you're not. You just pretend to be because you can't cope with life. If you'd just let down your barriers, let someone help you..."
"Is Mister Hippo your boyfriend?"
"He's fifty eight years old."
"So? Love knows no age boundaries! My girlfriend's thirteen. Well, she's not my girlfriend, but I do wank over her. WANK! This part's true, by the way. Everything else I've ever said has been a lie, but this is true. YOU SCRAZZER!!"
"Johnny...go home...go wherever it is you live now...just go..."
"Come on, we used to be friends. Don't you want hang out, play some Mario Kart like old times?"
"Hang out? As I recall, after you told me about your latest wank, you would then start flicking snot into my hair and dance around me singing 'BLACKY, BLACKY, YOU'VE GOT BLACK SKIN!' That doesn't really count as hanging out."
"Hey Laura, I've changed now, girl, man, you gotta believe it, I ain't racist no more, I don't care that you're black as night, you're just a person like everyone else!"
"I'm not even black."
"YEAH, BUT YOUR HEART IS! For rejecting me, in my hour of need! Now shut the fuck up while I BURN DOWN YOUR SHOP."
"Right. Go ahead then." She wasn't going to act afraid. Johnny always used to make idle threats in the old days."
"Umm, no, I don't feel like it anymore. Hey, remember when I burned your birthday?"
"What?"
"Card. Burned your birthday card. I went to all the trouble of buying you a card..."
"You stole one someone else had gave me and crossed out their name and wrote yours with the note 'I LOVE WANKING OVER YOU!' then flushed it down the toilet when I told you to fuck off."
"Oh. I thought I burned it."
"Well you didn't."
Mister Hippo walked into the shop.
"Is everything okay, Laura?"
"Yes, it's fine...Johnny was just leaving."
"I WANT SOME PENCILS," screamed Johhny, grabbing some from a nearby shelf. "And sharpeners! I'm going to sharpen them right up and stick my legs with 'em! STICK 'EM BUT GOOD!"
"Young man, I think you should leave," said Mister Hippo, stepping out from behind the desk.
"I'm so sorry, Mister Hippo," said Laura.
"You've done nothing wrong, dear," he said.
"DEAR? DEAR? YOU SEXIST PIG! I need money for the pencils so I'm going to ROB YOUR OLD ASS!" said Johnny, pulling a bread knife out of his jacket.
Mister Hippo instantly punched him hard in the face.
"OWW, MY FUCKDAMN FACE, YOU ARABJEW, HOW DARE YOU!" said Johnny, backing away, then outright running out of the shop. "HOW DARE YOU!"
"I have to call the police, I'm sorry if he's your friend," said Mister Hippo.
"He's not, trust me," said Laura. "He's nobody."
Four hours later, Laura was finished. She told Mister Hippo that she was sure it would be okay for her to walk home on her own, but thanked him for his concern. She thought Johnny would be long gone.
She was wrong.
He jumped out in front of her from some bushes. She gasped in shock, briefly, then just sighed in annoyance.
"I AM THE BUSH MONSTER, GIVE ME ALL YOUR ONIONS! Haha, only joking, it's just me! Johnny Nose!"
"Johnny, I want nothing to do with you."
"Yeah, well, I want a lot to do with you. I want to be friends!"
"Johnny, get some help, please. I could give you some numbers you could call, some people to talk to..."
"NOOOO! All I need is your love! That, and your tits, in my mouth! Mmm, they look yummy! No, no, really, I just want to be friends. I don't have any friends."
"I wonder why that is."
"Because I killed them all, maybe!"
"No, that's not it."
"Because I'm an insufferable prat?"
"There you go."
"Well, admitting it is the first step, they say. SO I ADMIT IT! I admit it all!"
"Do you admit that you need some help?"
"No, I don't admit that, FACEBOOK ADDICT! I looked you up on Facebook, by the way. Did I mention that? WANKED TO YOUR PIC! HAHA!"
"Johnny, leave me alone, and let me go home in peace."
"NAAAAH! I'd rather STAB YA!" and he pulled the knife out again.
"We both know you aren't going to use that."
"I am! I'LL SLIC OPEN YOUR CLIT!"
"JOHNNY, FUCK OFF," she screamed, completely losing control. Johnny actually recoiled at the sheer volume of her voice. But more than that, it was the look on her face that got to him. He dropped the knife on the pavement. Laura walked right by him.
"I'm sorry...so sorry...sorry...meep meep?" he said, weakly, but she was gone. Johnny walked around in a daze for a while. Then he sat down in a doorway. He was cold. Winter was coming. He hated sleeping outdoors at the best of times, but it would be hell during winter. But he didn't have any choice. "Spare change?" he said, with none of his usual Johnny Nose madness in his voice. "Can anyone spare some change?"
"HEY, LAURA!" shouted Johnny at the top of his voice. The two customers looked at him, irritated. "YOU FUCKING WORK HERE, NOW, EH?" He grabbed some stationary and tried juggling with it, but dropped it on the floor. Both customers gave snotty looks to Laura, who tried to looked apologetic, and left.
"Johnny, why are you here? And stop shouting!"
"HAHAHA, scared you'll get fired, BITCH?" laughed Johnny. "Only joking, you're not a bitch. JUST A WHORE! Haha!"
"Mister Hippo is asleep in the back, just shut up, I like this job..."
"Mister Hippo, eh? Is he your BOYFRIEND? Remember when I was your boyfriend, Laurie-pants?"
"No, I remember when you used to tell me every morning over breakfast that you'd masturbated over me the night before," she said, coldly. Her panic at seeing Johnny had almost been totally replaced by anger.
"I wanked over you a few days ago, but it wasn't shite," he said, shaking his head. "I'll definitely wank over you again today!"
"Johnny, what do you want? It's been a year since..."
"Since we were in that group home together! Ah, the memories! You were there because you wouldn't stop cutting yourself, you silly ostrich!"
"And you were there because you're a prick," she said.
"No, it's because I'm TOO DAMN REAL, MAAAAAN!" said Johnny, spinning around in a circle with his arms out-stretched, knocking over some of the stock, then picking it up. "See, I'm helpful now!"
"Last I heard you were still in there," said Laura, wondering if she should call someone from the group home.
"Nah, they let me out a couple of months ago. I bullshitted the doctors, said I was sane and could live on my own again. Haha! If they only knew that now I live in a my brother's garden shed and sneak into his house every afternoon and bang his girlfriend! She's in a coma, you see, and he takes care of her at home."
"Really..." said Laura, now mainly just bored. She'd had enough of Johnny over a year ago.
"No, of course not really, that would be gay, YOU FAGHAG! HAHAHA! You Irish or something? Meep toes! MEEP TOES!"
"Oh shut up, Johnny," she said.
"Hey, remember that girl that was in the wheel chair?"
"I remember you pushed her down a busy street once, yes."
"Crazy times! We were both high on POTCOCAINE at the time as I recall! Anyway, the reason I brought that FAT SLUT up is because she's dead. Dead and buried. Shame you missed the funeral! I made out with her mum and she loved it, the FAT ELF."
"And when did this happen?"
"SIX YEARS AGO."
"Funny, I talked to her just three weeks ago..."
"Yeah, yeah, great, so you've seen through my complex web of lies. Meep fucking meep. Go kiss a monkey. See if I care. Give me some booze."
"Johnny, go away. Please. I've been living a good, normal life for the last year, I have friends now, normal friends..."
"Like Mister Hippo? MISTER HIPPO? CAN YOU COME OUT AND PLAAAAAAAAAY!"
"You're pathetic!"
"You know, people are always saying that to me and guess what? I never change! Apparently, I have no shame! OR PENIS! I sliced it off last week and fed it to an eight year old in a sandwich. Does that count as paedophilia? I sure hope so! Nah, only joking. I'd never slice my penis off. I need it to wank. WANK!"
"Do you never get tired of talking like that?"
"Like what?"
"Like a retard."
"I am a retard, silly-buns! DUH! DUUUUUH! I EAT TUNA OUT OF MY MUM'S VAGINA! BRRRRR!"
"No, you're not. You just pretend to be because you can't cope with life. If you'd just let down your barriers, let someone help you..."
"Is Mister Hippo your boyfriend?"
"He's fifty eight years old."
"So? Love knows no age boundaries! My girlfriend's thirteen. Well, she's not my girlfriend, but I do wank over her. WANK! This part's true, by the way. Everything else I've ever said has been a lie, but this is true. YOU SCRAZZER!!"
"Johnny...go home...go wherever it is you live now...just go..."
"Come on, we used to be friends. Don't you want hang out, play some Mario Kart like old times?"
"Hang out? As I recall, after you told me about your latest wank, you would then start flicking snot into my hair and dance around me singing 'BLACKY, BLACKY, YOU'VE GOT BLACK SKIN!' That doesn't really count as hanging out."
"Hey Laura, I've changed now, girl, man, you gotta believe it, I ain't racist no more, I don't care that you're black as night, you're just a person like everyone else!"
"I'm not even black."
"YEAH, BUT YOUR HEART IS! For rejecting me, in my hour of need! Now shut the fuck up while I BURN DOWN YOUR SHOP."
"Right. Go ahead then." She wasn't going to act afraid. Johnny always used to make idle threats in the old days."
"Umm, no, I don't feel like it anymore. Hey, remember when I burned your birthday?"
"What?"
"Card. Burned your birthday card. I went to all the trouble of buying you a card..."
"You stole one someone else had gave me and crossed out their name and wrote yours with the note 'I LOVE WANKING OVER YOU!' then flushed it down the toilet when I told you to fuck off."
"Oh. I thought I burned it."
"Well you didn't."
Mister Hippo walked into the shop.
"Is everything okay, Laura?"
"Yes, it's fine...Johnny was just leaving."
"I WANT SOME PENCILS," screamed Johhny, grabbing some from a nearby shelf. "And sharpeners! I'm going to sharpen them right up and stick my legs with 'em! STICK 'EM BUT GOOD!"
"Young man, I think you should leave," said Mister Hippo, stepping out from behind the desk.
"I'm so sorry, Mister Hippo," said Laura.
"You've done nothing wrong, dear," he said.
"DEAR? DEAR? YOU SEXIST PIG! I need money for the pencils so I'm going to ROB YOUR OLD ASS!" said Johnny, pulling a bread knife out of his jacket.
Mister Hippo instantly punched him hard in the face.
"OWW, MY FUCKDAMN FACE, YOU ARABJEW, HOW DARE YOU!" said Johnny, backing away, then outright running out of the shop. "HOW DARE YOU!"
"I have to call the police, I'm sorry if he's your friend," said Mister Hippo.
"He's not, trust me," said Laura. "He's nobody."
Four hours later, Laura was finished. She told Mister Hippo that she was sure it would be okay for her to walk home on her own, but thanked him for his concern. She thought Johnny would be long gone.
She was wrong.
He jumped out in front of her from some bushes. She gasped in shock, briefly, then just sighed in annoyance.
"I AM THE BUSH MONSTER, GIVE ME ALL YOUR ONIONS! Haha, only joking, it's just me! Johnny Nose!"
"Johnny, I want nothing to do with you."
"Yeah, well, I want a lot to do with you. I want to be friends!"
"Johnny, get some help, please. I could give you some numbers you could call, some people to talk to..."
"NOOOO! All I need is your love! That, and your tits, in my mouth! Mmm, they look yummy! No, no, really, I just want to be friends. I don't have any friends."
"I wonder why that is."
"Because I killed them all, maybe!"
"No, that's not it."
"Because I'm an insufferable prat?"
"There you go."
"Well, admitting it is the first step, they say. SO I ADMIT IT! I admit it all!"
"Do you admit that you need some help?"
"No, I don't admit that, FACEBOOK ADDICT! I looked you up on Facebook, by the way. Did I mention that? WANKED TO YOUR PIC! HAHA!"
"Johnny, leave me alone, and let me go home in peace."
"NAAAAH! I'd rather STAB YA!" and he pulled the knife out again.
"We both know you aren't going to use that."
"I am! I'LL SLIC OPEN YOUR CLIT!"
"JOHNNY, FUCK OFF," she screamed, completely losing control. Johnny actually recoiled at the sheer volume of her voice. But more than that, it was the look on her face that got to him. He dropped the knife on the pavement. Laura walked right by him.
"I'm sorry...so sorry...sorry...meep meep?" he said, weakly, but she was gone. Johnny walked around in a daze for a while. Then he sat down in a doorway. He was cold. Winter was coming. He hated sleeping outdoors at the best of times, but it would be hell during winter. But he didn't have any choice. "Spare change?" he said, with none of his usual Johnny Nose madness in his voice. "Can anyone spare some change?"
