CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
There were just thirty minutes of Valentine's Day left. Johnny Nose had to hurry. He ran into the newsagents.
"I NEED A CARD," he shouted at the bored middle-aged man behind the counter.
"They're right in front of you," said the man.
"Yes, but I'm blind," said Johnny. "BLIND AS A BATMAN."
"Are you on something?" asked the man. "I have a cricket bat under the counter."
"Why? In case a cricket team comes in and they need a bat to play an important game against a team of INDIANS but then they lose anyway and all kill themselves? You evil cunt."
"Oww!" The man started to stand.
"LOOK, I need a card for my girlfriend. Something to WOO her!"
"You left it a bit late, didn't you!"
"I've been in a coma for eight months, I just woke up today! She's beeng wanking me off every day for the last eight months, you know. I love her so much. I think I dreamed, in the coma. I remembered dreaming I was being wanked off by Jonathan Frakes while Patrick Stewart watched, pointing and laughing. It was a bit embarrasing but I always orgasmed."
"What a load of bollocks! You weren't in no coma!"
"Okay, maybe not, but I do keep having that terrible dream...the only thing that'll make it go away is IF YOU SELL ME A FUCKING CARD!!!"
"I'm not stopping you!"
"Oh, right...well, which one would you recommend?"
"I don't fucking know!"
"That's probably why you're still a virgin! CUNT! FAT OLD CUNT! AHAHAHAAHAHA!" Johnny quickly grabbed about ten cards and ran out of the shop. He did not look back. He ran and ran. He hoped he was running the right way. Finally, he saw a girl.
"HAPPY VALENTINE'S GAY!" he shouted and threw a card at her.
"Stay back! I'll call the police!" she said. Pretty little thing, Johnny thought.
"PRETTY LITTLE THING," Jonny said.
"I'm fifteen you fucking pervert!" she said, putting a number into her phone.
"Oh, you aren't the right one," said Johnny. "I'll still wank over you, but you're not the right one. Bye!" And he ran off again. And down a dark alley. Until he found her, at last.
She coughed and looked up. "You again," said the homeless woman. She looked very ill, but Johnny could tell she used to be beautiful. It was in her eyes. There was still a spark there, behind the heroin abuse.
"I got you cards," said Johnny. "That's what you wanted, right? Card for a blowjob." He dropped the cards at her feet.
"I want smack," she said. "Give me some fucking cash so I can get myself a fix, then I'll blow you."
"But drugs are bad," said Johnny. "They put me on anti-depressants once and I shat on the cat."
"Jusssst give me the fucking money," she said.
"No," said Johnny.
"Do you want that blowjob or not?" she asked. Johnny looked at his watch. It was now after midnight.
"No," he said, sadly. "Maybe next year."
"I NEED A CARD," he shouted at the bored middle-aged man behind the counter.
"They're right in front of you," said the man.
"Yes, but I'm blind," said Johnny. "BLIND AS A BATMAN."
"Are you on something?" asked the man. "I have a cricket bat under the counter."
"Why? In case a cricket team comes in and they need a bat to play an important game against a team of INDIANS but then they lose anyway and all kill themselves? You evil cunt."
"Oww!" The man started to stand.
"LOOK, I need a card for my girlfriend. Something to WOO her!"
"You left it a bit late, didn't you!"
"I've been in a coma for eight months, I just woke up today! She's beeng wanking me off every day for the last eight months, you know. I love her so much. I think I dreamed, in the coma. I remembered dreaming I was being wanked off by Jonathan Frakes while Patrick Stewart watched, pointing and laughing. It was a bit embarrasing but I always orgasmed."
"What a load of bollocks! You weren't in no coma!"
"Okay, maybe not, but I do keep having that terrible dream...the only thing that'll make it go away is IF YOU SELL ME A FUCKING CARD!!!"
"I'm not stopping you!"
"Oh, right...well, which one would you recommend?"
"I don't fucking know!"
"That's probably why you're still a virgin! CUNT! FAT OLD CUNT! AHAHAHAAHAHA!" Johnny quickly grabbed about ten cards and ran out of the shop. He did not look back. He ran and ran. He hoped he was running the right way. Finally, he saw a girl.
"HAPPY VALENTINE'S GAY!" he shouted and threw a card at her.
"Stay back! I'll call the police!" she said. Pretty little thing, Johnny thought.
"PRETTY LITTLE THING," Jonny said.
"I'm fifteen you fucking pervert!" she said, putting a number into her phone.
"Oh, you aren't the right one," said Johnny. "I'll still wank over you, but you're not the right one. Bye!" And he ran off again. And down a dark alley. Until he found her, at last.
She coughed and looked up. "You again," said the homeless woman. She looked very ill, but Johnny could tell she used to be beautiful. It was in her eyes. There was still a spark there, behind the heroin abuse.
"I got you cards," said Johnny. "That's what you wanted, right? Card for a blowjob." He dropped the cards at her feet.
"I want smack," she said. "Give me some fucking cash so I can get myself a fix, then I'll blow you."
"But drugs are bad," said Johnny. "They put me on anti-depressants once and I shat on the cat."
"Jusssst give me the fucking money," she said.
"No," said Johnny.
"Do you want that blowjob or not?" she asked. Johnny looked at his watch. It was now after midnight.
"No," he said, sadly. "Maybe next year."