My dad sends (forwards) lots of crappy jokes to me...
5 RULES FOR A MAN TO BE HAPPY
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you
laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust
and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed
and likes to be with you.
5. It's VERY, VERY important that these four women
don't know each other.
**********************************************
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and
brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want
something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another
ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check." I know you need to make
sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the
ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Don't mess with Old People
******************************************************
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you", asked Hillary?
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters mad mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, "I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow" - The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it.
5 RULES FOR A MAN TO BE HAPPY
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you
laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust
and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed
and likes to be with you.
5. It's VERY, VERY important that these four women
don't know each other.
**********************************************
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and
brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want
something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another
ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check." I know you need to make
sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the
ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Don't mess with Old People
******************************************************
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you", asked Hillary?
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters mad mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, "I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow" - The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it.