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Joopy Drill: Pilot script

CaptainWacky

CaptainWacky

I want to smell dark matter
(Joopy Drill the alien lands on Earth.)

Joopy Drill: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER.

Stoned Guy: Whoah...dude...you're like...tripping or something!

Joopy Drill: JOOPY DRILL DOES NOT COMPREHEND.

Stoned Guy: Whoah...I think you like...just need to mellow out man...have some gras...

Joopy Drill: WHAT IS THIS SUBSTANCE?

Stoned Guy: Just a bit of weed dude...go on, smoke it.

Joopy Drill: JOOPY DRILL MUST BE TAKEN TO YOUR LEADER TO DISCUSS THE TERMS OF YOUR SURRENDER.

Stoned Guy: Chill man...

(Joopy Drill pulls the Stoned Guy's head off.)

Joopy Drill: PLEASE REMAIN SILENT.

(The Stoned Guy doesn't say anytying, as he's dead.)

Joopy Drill: GOOD.

(He stands holding the severed head for a minute.

Joopy Drill: YOU MAY SPEAK NOW.

(Still nothing.)

Joopy Drill: HELLO?

(He starts shaking the head.)

Joopy Drill: WHAT HAVE I DONE!?

(He drops down to his knees.)

Joopy Drill: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
EPISODE 2

(Joopy Drill walks into a service station, holding the head of the stoned guy under his arm. There is a PREGNANT WOMAN inside.)

Joopy Drill: I NEED YOU TO FIX THIS HUMAN.

Pregnant Woman: EEK! Is that a head!

Joopy Drill: PLEASE HURRY AND BEGIN REPAIRS.

Woman: You...you killed him!? What are you!?

Joopy Drill: I AM JOOPY DRILL.

Woman: Help...someone help!

Joopy Drill: I AM THE ONE WHO REQUIRES HELP. WHICH MANNER OF HUMANOID ARE YOU? MY SCANS REVEAL YOU TO BE WHAT THEY CALL "FEMALE" AND THAT A SECOND HUMAN LIFEFORM IS LIVING INSIDE YOU. DO YOU WISH ME TO REMOVE IT?

Woman: That's my baby!

Joopy Drill: LET JOOPY DRILL HELP...

(He advances on the woman.)

Woman: AAAAARGH!

(Just then, Bill the service station manager walks in.)

Bill: 'ere, what's going on 'ere, eh...what the fuck are you!?

Joopy Drill: I AM JOOPY DRILL.

Woman: Help me Bill, he's trying to abort our baby!

Bill: In that case...go right ahead! I never wanted her to have the brat anyway!

Woman: Bill!

Joopy Drill: JOOPY DRILL WILL COMPLY...

TO BE CONTINUED
 
EPISODE 3

(Joopy Drill leaves, covered in blood.)

Joopy Drill: NOW WHERE FOR JOOPY DRILL?

Prostitute: Hey...you looking for a good time?

Joopy Drill: I AM LOOKING FOR THE RULE OF YOUR PLANET.

Prostitute: What, George Bush?

Joopy Drill: TAKE ME TO THIS GEORGE BUSH.

Prostitute: You want to pretend to be George Bush while you fuck me, big boy?

Joopy Drill: I WANT TO PRESENT HIM WITH A LIST OF DEMANDS AND BEGIN EXECUTING THE POPULACE IF THEY ARE NOT CARRIED OUT.

Prostitute: Well, I've had some weird requets in my time but never that...

Joopy Drill: I WILL TAKE MY SHIP TO GEORGE BUSH.

Prostitute: Your ship?

(Joopy Drill presses a BUTTON on a controller and his SPACESHIP appears above him.)

Prostitute: Wow...

Joopy Drill: THANK YOU FOR YOUR ASSISTENCE.

Prostitute: Wait a minute, I didn't even suck your...

(But Joopy Drill is gone.)

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Joopy Drill beams directly into the Oval Office where Bush is sitting behind his desk having a wank.)

Bush: What...what the heck!?

Joopy Drill: ARE YOU BUSH?

Bush: Who in tarnation is you!?

Joopy Drill: I AM JOOPY DRILL.

Bush: Did you break in here? Why didn't security plug you in the head like I ordered them to?

Joopy Drill: JOOPY DRILL CANNOT BE PLUGGED.

Bush: I've got a gun behind ma desk...

Joopy Drill: THAT IS YOUR HUMAN PENIS.

Bush: What do ya want!?

Joopy Drill: CONTROL OF YOUR PLANET FOR THE JOOPY DRILL EMPIRE.

Bush: Stop talkin' in foreign and tell me what ya want!

Joopy Drill: I GROW TIRED OF THIS.

(Joopy Drill points his finger at the desk and it disintergrates. Bush frantically pulls his pants up.)

Bush: Okay, okay you can have Earth for the Jillipy Drum Empire or whatever...just don't hurt me!

Joopy Drill: THANK YOU. NOW CAN YOU REATCH THIS HEAD TO ITS BODY?

(He plonks the stoned guy's head down on the floor. Bush faints in shock.)

Joopy Drill: GUESS NOT.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
I see the Stoned Guy's head as his second in command. Joopy Drill doesn';t care much for compromise or committees does he?
 
PART FIVE

News Reporter: It's been five days since Joopy Drill took over the Earth and already we are reaping the benefits! Our leader has made it mandatory for all humans to have sex every 17 minutes so that he can "see what it's like." When asked why he doesn't just have sex himself, Joopy Drill replied "JOOPY DRILL IS SHY."

(Joopy Drill is sitting behind his desk stroking the Stone Guy's head.)

Joopy Drill: SOON JOOPY DRILL SHALL REPAIR YOU AND TAKE YOU TO A FUNFAIR.

(Hilary Clinton walks in.)

Joopy Drill: WHAT DO YOU WANT, HUMAN FEMALE?

Hilary: I have a business propisition...

TO BE CONTINUED
 
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