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Mine Field User Profiles

CaptainWacky

CaptainWacky

I want to smell dark matter
A new series BY ME profiling Mine Field users.

Tomtrek: Tomtrek asked his local tattooist to tattoo the words "Summer Glau" and "Michelle Trachtenberg" on the inside of Tomtrek's eyelids so that he coudl "always be with them." When the tattooist refused, the usually mild-mannered Tomtrek threatened to "skin his fucking kids and eat them alive, innit." After the tatooist explained that his children had already been murdered by Doctor Dave, Tomtrek kicked him in the shins and told him to just get on with it. Surprisingly, the tattooing was a complete success and Tomtrek "tipped" the tattooist by giving him a bottle of "Saurian Brandy" which was really just lemonade but the tattooist just nodded in thanks. However, when Tomtrek returned a week later and demanded that the tatooist add the words "and, to a lesser extent, Kym Valentine and Alex from Lost" under his eyelids, the tattooist instantly ended his own life by stabbing himself through the heart with his tattooing needle. Tomtrek shrugged, agreed that it was probably a bad idea, and took back his bottle of Saurian Brandy.
 
AM I NOT INCLEWDED?!

AH WILL PEE IN YER BUTTZ FOR THIS IMPEWDENCE![/fuck]
 
Hey, there's a fat ugly English dude in a wig fuckin' an ugly broad on a wooden plank floor. Hey, he's bald. Ew, she's bald, too. Dumb gay bald English wood plank floor fuckers.
 
What are you watching?
 
I think it was something about Sweeney Todd, but not a musical.
 
Whisky: When Whisky was but a lad, he spent hours playing with lego, often making armies of robot monkeys and the like. One night, a gang of thiefs broke into his house to steal his shelves. Whisky quickly made a lego warrior (out of lego) and, somehow, managed to breathe life into it. The lego warrior slaughtered the thiefs and ground their bones to dust. Whisky's parents made him promise never to make a lego warrior again.

Twenty years later, Jade Goody and her mum broke into his house looking for booze. Whisky, who had been keeping the lego under his bed all the years, quickly built and gave life to his lego warrior again. It crippled the mother's arm (so that's how it happened!) and, in the dark, Jade mistook the lego warrior for an indian (this was a month before Celebrity Big Brother) turning her instantly into a racist.

Whisky still keeps the bricks under the bread where they lie, waiting to be rebuilt...waiting and dreaming.
 
Will those bricks be used to trap a body in the walls of the house and then Cordelia Chase moves in and stirs up ghosts???
 
I think Delia Deets will come along and make hideous sculptures out of them.
 
CaptainWacky: Wacky also known as the Wachichi Feather Bat by some indigenous South American tribes for reasons unknown is an interesting and complex sort of lad with a penchant for setting small marine animals on fire with petroleum products and then flinging them at bus drivers who are more than 1.7 minutes late off their scheduled arrival. It was this strange pastime that saved the Number 47 from Terrorist Attack in the Ballistien constituency of Glasgow one summer evening in 2003.

The bus had been hijacked by Armenian terrorists posing as Armenian terrorist impersonators and the bus under siege had been ordered by the leader to drive to Mr. Tony Blair's house for reasons thought to be nefarious. Captain Wacky waiting for the Number 47 with his stopwatch, matches and petroleum doused Mackerel watched as the bus approached the bus stop with what seemed like no intention of stopping. Incensed by this travesty and without a moments thought he threw himself at the bus as it sped past and managed with quite a measure of skill and determination to hold on. Smashing his way through a window of the bus with his yet unlit Mackerel in what was either an impressive display of Mackerel density or a poor safety record for bus window manufacturers he found himself on the floor surrounded in shattered glass and at the feet of a shocked Armenian Terrorist.

Before the terrorists or the passengers had collected their senses the clearly insane Captain Wacky had lit his fishy fire weapon and was wildly swinging it around at all in proximity. The leader of the Armenian terror cell rushed Captain Wacky but it was too late and with a violent thrust the Mackerel was halfway down his throat with an enraged Captain Wacky on top of him screaming about lilly pad endangerment. The Bus Driver who had been forced to drive at gunpoint saw his moment to act as the terrorist guarding him was distracted and he slammed the breaks on throwing everyone asunder. Unfortunately the bus careened off the side of a cliff and hurtled ground wards. Everyone was killed except Captain Wacky who escaped with a stubbed toe in miraculous circumstances. Despite the loss of life of young and old alike Mr. Tony Blair and his house were safe and the Number 47 had been saved from Terrorist attack and only thwarted by gravity which is regarded as less of a threat to Mr. Tony Blair and his house. Captain Wacky was Knighted in the new year honours list and despite calls to appear on reality and panel shows he has thus far declined.

It also saw the end of his arsonist attacks on bus drivers and marine creatures and instead he took up painting.

With badger blood.
 
I was about to label you a yattering idiot and order you to shut thy hole forthwith, but it was too late.

Also I was inexplicably seized by fits of LOLery.
 
Cassie: 29 year old blond beauty Cassie lives in an undisclosed location "deep in the heart of Flordia" where she keeps animals. In cages. Cassie has dabbled with magic and uses spells to lure animals of all kind to her compound. Magic, and really good home cooking, yes sir! Once the animals are there, Cassie cares for them, loves them, makes them feel like the most special animals to ever live...and, when they're fat and happy enough, brutally slaughters them with a variety of weapons, cackling insanely to herself and often remarking "GOD IT FEELS GOOD TO KILL!" Cassie then sells the chopped up animal meat to restuarants and old people. She is also the invetor of the MASSES OF MEAT pizza which includes meat from every animal to live (and a few species that have died out, sometimes solely due to Cassie.) Except, that is, for penguin meat. But only because Cassie thinks penguin meat tastes horrible. It's not like she has never slaughtered a penguin. One time, she shot 17 of them in the head in 17 seconds.

Also, due to a genetic quirk, Cassie is utterly irresistible to Jamaican men and routinlely has to beat off any Jamaican man who enters Florida with a stick. A DEADLY stick. She is thinking of adding Jamaican man meat to the MASSES OF MEAT pizza.

Grammour Boy: Grammour Boy is very shy and enjoys sudoko. He talked to a girl on a bus once about dentistry, but later convinced himself that the whole episode had been a dream, despite the girl calling him 28 times. He eventually destroyed his phone with a hammer. Grammour Boy is the only american ever to watch the british Big Brother and its effect was so profound on him that he can no longer see the colour red. GB was recently arrested for shouting "GET OFF MY DICK" to a mailman for no apparent reasons. He likes it in prison because nobody tries to talk to him and he can playthe Nintendo DS he smuggled in up his anus all day. GB owns ten chimps who have probably starved to death during his prison spell (it's been three months.)
 
I TOLD YOU THOSE THINGS IN PRIVATE SIR WACKAMOLE!
 
This is very good information on Cassie.
 
Could this be the secret to her heart?
 
<--puts this thread on the wall of the LOLLERY GALLERY omg
 
There was nothing about the penis collection she keeps under her bed. Or is that common knowledge?
 
Everyone knows that.
 
Then how does she manage to collect them? If everyone knows why do men allow themselves to be caught anywhere near her if she is going to rip off their wedding tackles and stuff them in a pickle jar?

The only other alternative is she's a skilled huntress and travels the world tracking and killing her prey, ripping off their meat and two veg to later preserve and store. Which means at this very moment she could be closing in on any one of us minefielders with a penis and we wouldn't know...I'm buying a chastity belt...
 
a wise investment in any century.
 
She began her world tour shortly after her supply of Geek Squad penii dried up.

*knocks on chastity belt*

I ain't taking any chances, neither.
 
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