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Nascent Drama
- Thread starter Bickendan
- Start date
Blindgroping
U mad 'bro?
And now for something completely different.
Q.
Q.
Shitty Dual
schroedinger's fat
*gets ready to sing "ITS PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME"*
Kitty
Sinless and Purrfect
*
Kitty
Sinless and Purrfect
The majority is always right, especially when they're wrong.
The Dork Lord
Whipping Boy
8====D of teh day 05/25/08
“Jesus, they want to settle.”
“What did I tell you, Benny? It’s not about the money.”
“I understand that, but we’re talking seven figures here!”
“I love you Benny and you’re the best attorney out there. But I need you to stop thinking like a lawyer for a minute. This is about my dignity here. I don’t care if it’s fourteen figures we’re talking about. I won’t settle. I want my name out of their books and movies. I want the world to understand I never condoned all that shit that was done in my name. I want my life back. Now can you help me with that, or do I need to find someone else to represent me?”
“Of course not! You don’t want to settle? We don’t settle. But I still think you’re making a mistake.”
“Thanks Benny, I’ll take that under advisement. So how’s the wife and kids?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Oh my god Britney! Where are we?”
“I don’t know Paris, but I’m scared and it stinks here!”
“You want to make out?”
“Yeah! Let’s make out!”
“Ms. Spears, Ms. Hilton, Mr. Cain will see you now.”
“Ewwww! Did you see that? That giant lizard woman just talked to us.”
“I’m not a ‘lizard woman’ Ms. Hilton, I’m a secretary.”
“But why do you look all gross like that?”
“I’m also a demon, Ms. Spears. In case it’s escaped your notice; you’re both dead, and this is Hell. Now, if you’ll kindly make your way into the back office, Mr. Cain will see you now.”
“The wrestler guy?”
“Since when does Hell have secretaries?”
The demon sighed and rubbed her eyes with her claws. “Just go, please.”
The two dead celebrities went through the door, and found themselves face to face with the most serious looking man either had ever seen. He was black, well dressed, and a jagged scar ran down most of the left side of his face. There was a small, forced smile on his lips, but his eyes were cold and hard.
"Paris, Britney, I can’t say it’s a pleasure to meet you, but you were expected. Have a seat.”
“You don’t look like the wrestler guy at all.”
“Yeah, who are you.”
At this, the imitation grin blossomed into a fairly decent approximation of the real thing. “I,” he said, “am the world’s first murderer, and the new lord of Hell. You can call me Cain.”
“Oh my god! We’re famous! Why would we even go to Hell?”
“Yeah! We’re role models!”
Cain laughed, for perhaps the first time in thousands of years. “You? Role models? You’re both common whores. Nothing more. In my day, we threw stones at you.”
“Hey!”
“You can’t—“
“Can’t I? This is my domain. I can do or say what I want. You two are whores. Look at you. Paris, the billionaire heiress. What’s your claim to fame? A fucking porno movie. And you Britney, any talent you once had, you’ve pissed and squandered away, while forcing America to view the sad spectacle of your life and sanity dissolving. You even managed to make K-Fed look like a better parent than you. You two are about the farthest fucking thing I can think of from role models. And keep in mind, I’ve spent the last few millennia in the company of murderers, demons and rapists.”
“So what will you do with us?”
“I’ve been giving that some thought. Now, the old regime would probably start you off with a couple hundred years of torture, but would that really be punishment for a couple of sicko sluts like yourselves? I think not. You’d probably enjoy it. Instead, I’m going to find the two deepest darkest pits, and toss each of your skanky asses into the bottom of them. No one will speak to you. No one will look at you. No one will even know you exist. You will each have darkness and isolation for eternity, or at least until you pull your heads out of your asses. See, my guess is that most of your lives revolved around getting attention. Well, that’s the one thing you’ll be deprived of.”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
“Yes. Now get the fuck out of my office. It’s starting to smell like a strip club in here.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Jesus, they want to settle.”
“What did I tell you, Benny? It’s not about the money.”
“I understand that, but we’re talking seven figures here!”
“I love you Benny and you’re the best attorney out there. But I need you to stop thinking like a lawyer for a minute. This is about my dignity here. I don’t care if it’s fourteen figures we’re talking about. I won’t settle. I want my name out of their books and movies. I want the world to understand I never condoned all that shit that was done in my name. I want my life back. Now can you help me with that, or do I need to find someone else to represent me?”
“Of course not! You don’t want to settle? We don’t settle. But I still think you’re making a mistake.”
“Thanks Benny, I’ll take that under advisement. So how’s the wife and kids?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Oh my god Britney! Where are we?”
“I don’t know Paris, but I’m scared and it stinks here!”
“You want to make out?”
“Yeah! Let’s make out!”
“Ms. Spears, Ms. Hilton, Mr. Cain will see you now.”
“Ewwww! Did you see that? That giant lizard woman just talked to us.”
“I’m not a ‘lizard woman’ Ms. Hilton, I’m a secretary.”
“But why do you look all gross like that?”
“I’m also a demon, Ms. Spears. In case it’s escaped your notice; you’re both dead, and this is Hell. Now, if you’ll kindly make your way into the back office, Mr. Cain will see you now.”
“The wrestler guy?”
“Since when does Hell have secretaries?”
The demon sighed and rubbed her eyes with her claws. “Just go, please.”
The two dead celebrities went through the door, and found themselves face to face with the most serious looking man either had ever seen. He was black, well dressed, and a jagged scar ran down most of the left side of his face. There was a small, forced smile on his lips, but his eyes were cold and hard.
"Paris, Britney, I can’t say it’s a pleasure to meet you, but you were expected. Have a seat.”
“You don’t look like the wrestler guy at all.”
“Yeah, who are you.”
At this, the imitation grin blossomed into a fairly decent approximation of the real thing. “I,” he said, “am the world’s first murderer, and the new lord of Hell. You can call me Cain.”
“Oh my god! We’re famous! Why would we even go to Hell?”
“Yeah! We’re role models!”
Cain laughed, for perhaps the first time in thousands of years. “You? Role models? You’re both common whores. Nothing more. In my day, we threw stones at you.”
“Hey!”
“You can’t—“
“Can’t I? This is my domain. I can do or say what I want. You two are whores. Look at you. Paris, the billionaire heiress. What’s your claim to fame? A fucking porno movie. And you Britney, any talent you once had, you’ve pissed and squandered away, while forcing America to view the sad spectacle of your life and sanity dissolving. You even managed to make K-Fed look like a better parent than you. You two are about the farthest fucking thing I can think of from role models. And keep in mind, I’ve spent the last few millennia in the company of murderers, demons and rapists.”
“So what will you do with us?”
“I’ve been giving that some thought. Now, the old regime would probably start you off with a couple hundred years of torture, but would that really be punishment for a couple of sicko sluts like yourselves? I think not. You’d probably enjoy it. Instead, I’m going to find the two deepest darkest pits, and toss each of your skanky asses into the bottom of them. No one will speak to you. No one will look at you. No one will even know you exist. You will each have darkness and isolation for eternity, or at least until you pull your heads out of your asses. See, my guess is that most of your lives revolved around getting attention. Well, that’s the one thing you’ll be deprived of.”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
“Yes. Now get the fuck out of my office. It’s starting to smell like a strip club in here.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Dork Lord
Whipping Boy
This thread needz more kitty, and less failcunt 
The Dork Lord
Whipping Boy
This thread just MIGHT have had a bit more success if you'd posted it in the Mine Field, where she normally hangs out
The Dork Lord
Whipping Boy
Yes, you are