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Natalies SNL rap

I wonder if there was ever a gangster back in the 1930s called Poop Stain Morrison.

Probably not, 'cause that would have been really funny, and humor wasn't invented until last year.
 
That's much better, thank you. I think we need a WW1-vintage-British-old-guy smiley. You know, with the big obnoxious moustache and the monacle and all that.
 
Yeah see! It's like this ya see, I took me spatz and slapped them round Penny Mcfapfap's head at the disco roller, see, don't know what I'm talking about see, I just keep on going ya see.. yeeh.
 
my battle rap

FUCK YOU CUNTS
FUCK YOU CUNTS
WOT THE FUCK YOU LOOKING AT
YOU FUCKING WANKER CUNTS
FUCK YOU CUNTS
FUCK YOU CUNTS
I'M FROM THE FUCKING HOOD
I KICK OLD LADIES
AND BLACK PEOPLE
FOR MY WHITE BRUTHAS
FROM THE HOOD
FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU CUNTS
 
No, not that kind of skirt. You know... A skirt. A dame. A dish. A broad. A bird. A... um... rubber-band-powered-potato-squasher.
 
We're Edge and Christian and we're totally bliss,
That's because we reek of awesomeness,
We're the E to the C and you're in lickity-luck,
Gonna beat Dogg and Kwick because they totally suck!
Now even though we're in Jersey, a state wth skanky ho's,
We'll still break it down for a five second pose!
Whodat!
 
Chris Parnell: We’re sitting here today with film star Natalie Portman.
NP: Hello.
CP: So Natalie, what is a day in the life of Natalie Portman like?
NP: Do you really wanna know?
CP: Please, tell us.

[cut to rap video]

NP: I don’t sleep mothafucka off that yak(?) and that durbin(?)! Doin’ 120, getting’ head
while I’m swervin!
Seth Meyers: Damn Natalie! You a crazy chick.
NP: You shut the fuck up and SUCK MY DICK!!!

NP: I’m bustin’ dudes mouths like Gushers mothafucka! Roll up on NBC and smack the
shit out Jeff Zucker!!!
Guys Yelling: What you want Natalie?
NP: To drink and fight!
Guys: What you need Natalie?
NP: To fuck all night!!!

NP: Don’t test me when I’m crazy on that airplane group(?)! Put my foot down your
throat till your shittin my shoe!!!

NP: Leave you screamin! Pay for my dry cleanin! Fuck you man, it’s my name that he’s
screamin!!!

[cut back to interview]

CP: I’m sorry Natalie. Are we to believe you condone driving while intoxicated?
NP: I never said I was a role model?
CP: But, what about the kids that look up to you? Do you have a message for them?

[cut back to video]

NP: All the kids lookin’ up to me can suck my dick! It’s Portman mothafucka! Drink till
I’m sick!!!

NP: Slit your throat! And pour em not just(?) down the hole! Watch you laugh and cry!
While I laugh you die!!!

NP: And all the dudes! You know I’m talking to you!
Guys: We love you Natalie!
NP: I wanna fuck you too!!!
Guys: P!
NP: Is for Portman!!!
Guys: P!
NP: Is for pussy!!! I’ll kill your fuckin’ dog for fun, so don’t push me!!!

[cut back to interview]

CP: Wow… Natalie… I’m surprised. All this from a Harvard graduate…
NP: Well… there’s a lot you may not know about me.
CP: Really? Such as…?

[cut back to video]

NP: When I was in Harvard, I smoked weed everyday. I cheated every test, and sorted all
the yay(?) I gotta def posse, you gotta bunch of dudes… I SIT RIGHT DOWN ON
YOUR FACE, AND TAKE A SHIT!!!
Andy Samberg (Viking): Natalie… you are a bad ass bitch.
NP: Hell yeah!
AS: And I always pay for your dry cleanin’… when my shit gets in your shoe.
NP: What!
AS: As for the drug use… well I can vouch for that. My dick is scared of you. Hooooo!

[cut back to interview]

CP: Okey-doke… Natalie, one final question. If you could steal a smooch from any guy
in Hollywood, who would it –
*Nat hits CP with her chair*
NP: No more questions.

[cut to random clips of Nat and crew dancing/standing]

[cut to quick shot of Nat]

NP: WHAAAT!?!?!
 
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