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New continuing Doctor Dave story

Doctor Dave has gone to see a therapist.

"Hello bitch I need some therapy you slut," he said. She is quite hot.

"I'm quit hot," she said.

"I know, so are you going to therapy my ass or not?"

"Are you sure you can handle being therapised by a hot woman?"

"What, of course I am, bitch, you don't know WHAT I can handle, and by that I mean I have a huge fucking dick."

"Okay, I'll therapy you. But it'll cost you EIGHT THOUSAND DOLLARS."

"Fine, that's fine, whore, I just robbed a bank anyway."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I had an erection that wouldn't go down so I just marched into a bank, fucked some people up and stole all the money. It went down to a semi-on. But it's getting harder again."

"Hmm, I can see that."

"Yeah, I'll need to kill again soon."

"KILL?"

"Yeah, don't worry, I probably won't kill you, I only kill evil people, like I'm Dexter or something, ho. Oh, and french people."

"Well, that's...that's still not okay, but I suppose..."

"Oh, and I blew up two thousand nuns. Blew them to pieces, I did."

"WHAT!?"

"Yeah, so what?"

"Oh my God!"

"I'm an atheist, show some respect, slut."

"Oh my fucking God...I remember that...on the news...the images...of those nuns burning...of them dying...oh my God it stayed with me for so long...I used to have nightmares about those burning nuns..."

"Yeah, I wanked a few out to burning nuns."

"You are...you are evil."

"You don't understand, bitch. It's the only way my cock will go soft."

"Well...that's still evil! Can't you live with a hard cock?"

"NO."

"Well, you should get it cut off or something!"

"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. I HAVE NO SELF CONTROL. NO FREE WILL. MY COCK RULES ME. THAT'S IT, BITCH. I HAVE TO KILL. I HAVE TO KILL YOU."

"NOOOOO!"

"I don't want to, but I'll do it, slut...hmm, funny...normally I'd be strangling you by now, but my hands aren't moving. I wonder why."

"Maybe because you realise it would be wrong?"

"No, slut, that's not it...it's because...I really do have no free will. All this time...I've been mind controlled!"

"But by who?"

"I think I know...it's buried deep down inside...but you'll have to hypnotise me to get the answers out."

"Okay!"

"Cool, I'll just lie down..."

"Oh, I see what you mean about the cock. That would be uncomfortable."

"Yeah, it's fucking huge."

"No kidding."

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"So, you are going into a deep sleep..." said the therapist.

"Am I"? asked Dave.

"Yes! I'm hypnotising you!"

"Not doing a very good job of it, bitch."

"We'll get the bottom of your mental problems, the reason why you kill people and insult women."

"I insult women for fun."

"Yes...anyway...are you hypnotised yet."

"I don't think so."

"Hmm. How about...NOW?"

"No."

"Fuck."

"Do you even know how to hypnotise?"

"Not as such, no."

"I'll build a hypnotising robot then."

TO BE CONTINUED
 
WILL HIS ERECT COCK EVER GO DOWN?
 
"Okay I've built a hypnotising robot," said Doctor Dave on returning to the therapist's office.

"That was quick!" said the therapist as she put down the sex book she was reading.

"HELLO I AM HYPNOBOT," said HYPNOBOT. "DIE, PUNY HUMAN, DIE!"

"Aaaah!" said the therapist.

"No, don't," said Dave.

"MASTER?" asked the confused Hypnobot.

"I know, I know," said Dave, as he sighed. "Normall I'd want you to kill her while I watched, masturbating. But I'm trying to find out why I'm evil. It's something to do with mind control and my huge cock. So I can't let you kill just now."

"THAT SUCKS, DUDE," said Hypnobot.

"Sorry," said Dave.

"Is he even a real Hypnobot?" asked the therapist, hiding behind some curtains.

"He's a KILLBOT I reprogrammed, bitch, get off my case. Anyway, hypnobot, LET'S DO THIS SHIT," said Dave.

"YES MASTER," said the Hypnobot. "ENGAGING HYPNO-PROGRAMMIG..."

"WAIT, YOU BASTARD," said the Ghost of JFK, appearing suddenly. "You can't do this!"

"Why the fuck not, fucknose?" asked Dave.

"I...I don't know!" said JFK's ghost, looking confused.

"Maybe there's some connection between JFK's ghost and your memory loss!" said the therpaist.

"You're fucking smart," said Dave. "We can have sex later. Okay, no more delays, DO IT NOW."

"ENGAGE...ENGAGE...ENGAGE..." said the hypnobot.

"I'm remembering!" said Dave...and so begins a FLASHBACK.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(We flashback and switch to screenplay format for some reason. Doctor Dave goes into a SCIENCTIST'S HOUSE.)

Dave: Hello Professor Science I am Doctor Dave.

Science: I know, we've met several times.

Dave: Yes that's right.

Science: You here on official, detective business?

Dave: I'm looking for a murdering bastard. I saw him run in here.

Science: I see. Who did this bastard murder?

Dave: Some slut.

Science: Ah.

Dave: But it's still murder.

Science: Yes, of course...what did he look like?

Dave: Impossible to tell. He was wearing a Pikachu mask.

Science: Yes, I can see how that would be hard.

Dave: So where the fuck is he hiding?

Science: How should I know?

Dave: Because he just ran in here. And there's only one room in your house. The SCIENCE room.

Science: And this room hosts my times machine...

Dave: Yes that's right. You told me about it before.

Science: I was planning to go back in time and stop JFK from dying. Then have sex with him. But I decided not to. Because I'm not gay. I just thought I was because I took some GAY PILLS I had inveted earlier in the day.

Dave: Yes that's right.

Science: But the machine was still set for the date of JFK's death...if the Pikachu killer went back...

Dave: He could be having sex with JFK right now.

Science: You must stop him! Go back in time yourself using my machine and put right what he has made wrong!

Dave: Okay.

Science: Hurry!

Dave: Don't tell me what to do. I want a sandwich first.

Science: Here! I just made one!

(He hands Dave a sandwich.)

Dave: Thanks I'll eat it in the past.

Science: Bravo! You are a true american hero.

Dave: I'm just doing my fuckdamn job.

(Dave steps into the TEMPORAL WAKE and vanishes.)

Science: So am I...

(Professoer Science takes out a PIKACHU MASK, puts it on, and walks into the temporal wake himself!)

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Doctor Dave is in Dalls in the past.)

Dave: I can't fucking believe I'm in Dallas in the past. Hey, you, past person?

Man: Are you talking to me?

Dave: Well I don't see any other past people about here. Have you seen an asshole in a Pikachu mask?

Man: What the hell is Pikachu?

Dave: Oh yeah, I forgot Pikachu wasn't invented until 1996.

Man: That's the future!

Dave: Yes that's right.

Man: Great Scott!

Dave: Stop with the Back To The Future references and answer my fuckdamn question, teethnose.

Man: Teethnose?

Dave: IT'S A FUTURE WORD, OKAY, I'M FROM THE FUTURE, GET OVER IT.

Man: Look, I don't have time for you, you crankpot! I'm the HEAD OF SECURITY for JFK's visit to Dalls

Dave: Well watch out for bullets.

Man: I never thought of that!

Dave: That explains a lot!

(Dave walks away. SUDDENLY, Professor Science in the Pikachu mask appears.)

Man: Hey, is that Pig-achoo mask?

Science: No. It's your death come to meet you.

(Professor Science brutally stabs the man to death with a fork.)

Science: Hush, now. The worst is over. All that is next...is tricking Doctor Dave into murdering JFK.

(Ominous music plays. Meanwhile, Dave walks over to a man smoking a cigarette.)

Dave: Hey bastard, have you seen...wait, you're JFK!

JFK: Sssh, keep it down! I'm having a cigarette before I drive about town in an open top car!

Dave: You idiot, what if someone shoots you?

JFK: While I'm smoking? Unlikely!

Dave: No, I mean...wait, this isn't why I'm here. I can't interfere with the timestream.

JFK: Wait a minute, you're from the future?

Dave: Yes that's right.

JFK: And you think someone is going to shoot me?

Dave: Umm...

JFK: Where's the head of security? My drive around town in an open top car while waving to people must be cancelled!

Dave: Oh shit, I've fucked up the timestream.

JFK: Head of security, where are you...oh shit, he's been brutally stabbed to death with a fork!

Dave: I just talked to that guy.

JFK: THAT MEANS YOU MUST BE THE KILLER! ARREST HIM! GUARDS!

(JFK's imperial bodyguards jump out from behind some bushes.)

Dave: Oh shit.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Science: Shit, this ruins everything...hey, you, JFK!

(He takes off the Pikachu mask and walks over.)

Dave: Professor Science? What are you doing here!?

Science: Umm, I was bored in the future so I thought I would join you here.

Dave: Oh.

JFK: You know this SUMBITCH?

Science: Yes, it's my best friend Doctor Dave.

Dave: We've only met seven times.

Science: Like I said, best friend!

JFK: Well, he was planning to kill me AND he probably stabbed my head of security to death with a fork.

Guard: What do you say, boss? Slaughter him here on the street and blame the Russians?

JFK: Sure, why not...

Dave: Great.

Science: WAIT! There has been a huge mistake.

Guard: Don't think so, mate!

(Professor Science waves his hand in front of JFK and the guard.)

Guard: Actually...

JFK: Yeah, huge mistake. Sorry. Guard, release him!

Guard: YOU'RE RELEASED.

Dave: Thanks. What the fuck did you do, Science?

Sceince: Oh, I just used an old, umm, scientific mind trick to fool them...

Dave: Hmm. Doesn't sound very scientific. Sounds more like magic...

Science: Magic? PFFFT! Not me! I'm not a secret warlock who is secretly controlling all the world's events with magic. Not me!

Dave: Oh, okay then.

JFK: Umm, are you guys finished? I want to drive about town waving and shit.

Science: OH REALLY? WELL LOOK UP THERE!

(Suddenly, a shadow is cast over the land.)

Dave: What the fuck is this shite? I'm here to catch the Pikachu bandit, not deal with any other shite. Fuck this shite.

JFK: It's a dragon!

(A DRAGON flies towards them!)

Dave: Okay, that is quite interesting.

Science(in mock surprise): Oh no, it's going right for JFK! You must stop it, Doctor Dave!

Dave: Sigh.

(Dave effortlessly hopes onto the dragon's back.)

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(The dragon is soaring high in the sky above Dallas with Doctor Dave effortlessly clinging to its back.)

Dragon: I SHALL SHAKETH THOU OFF, MORTAL.

Dave: Okay.

(It tries but Dave ain't going nowhere!)

Dragon: YOU HAVE THE GRIP OF A GRIP-BEAST, MORTAL.

Dave: I get that a lot.

Dragon: WHY DID YOU INTERFERE?

Dave: You were going to kill JFK, asshole.

Dragon: IT IS NOT FOR PUNY MORTALS TO MEDDLE IN THE AFFAIRS OF DRAGONS.

Dave: Yeah, but you were going to kill JFK.

Dragon: I WOULD HAVE BOILED HIS BONES OF NOT FOR THEE!

Dave: Oh well.

Dragon: CURSE YOU AND ALL YOUR KIN.

Dave: I get that a lot too. So, why do you want to kill JFK anyway?

Dragon: YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND. YOU KNOW NOTHING OF DRAGONS.

Dave: True.

Dragon: AH, YOU ADMIT IT. YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T EVEN KNOW DRAGONS EXISTED UNTIL TODAY, YOU FUCKING LOSER.

Dave: I didn't.

Dragon: PUNY LITTLE HUMAN IN HIS HUMAN WORLD. YOU ONLY KNOW WHAT YOU CAN SEE WITH YOUR EYES AND HEAR WITH YOUR NOSE.

Dave: Ears. We puny humans hear with our ears.

Dragon: WHATEVER. I NEVER TOOK THE TIME TO LEARN OF HUMAN BIOLOGY. ALL I KNOW IS THAT YOUR BONES BOIL AND THAT IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

Dave: Anyway, I do know about supernatural shit. I'm a ghost humper.

Dragon: A GHOST...humper? Surely you mean hunter?

Dave: That's what SHE said!

Dragon: SERIOUSLY, YOU HUMP GHOSTS?

Dave: Nah, that was a load of bollocks I just talked there. A ghost humper? Don't be sill. I'm a detective.

Dragon: AH, THAT MAKES MORE PUNY SENSE. DETECTING. WHAT A PUNY HUMAN ACTIVITY. HOW PUNY. FUCKFACE.

Dave: Hey, I've done some cool things. I travelled back in time from the future using Professor Science's time travel machine.

Dragon: HUH? YOU KNOW PROFESSOR SCIENCE IN THE FUTURE? AND YOU TRAVELLED TRHOUGH TIME? USING SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY?

Dave: Yes that's right.

Dragon: THEN I HATE YOU EVEN MORE. TECHNOLOGY AND SCIENCE ARE THE ENEMIES OF MAGIC. THE FUCKING ENEMIES. THEY MEAN TO WIPE MAGIC OFF THE FACE OFF THE EARTH. BUT WE SHALL WIPE THEM OUT FIRST. AND THE FIRST STROKE OF WAR WILL HAPPEN TODAY WHEN I BOIL JFK'S FUCKING BONES.

Dave: Oh, so that's why you're killing him.

Dragon: HE MEANS TO WIPE OUT MAGIC. HE KNOWS ABOUT IT AND HAS HIS FUCKING MEN TRYING TO WIPE IT OUT. BUT THE MAGIC COUNCIL KNOW OF HIS PLANS AND VOTED TO HAVE ME KILL HIM. ALL BUT ONE THAT IS. ALL BUT PROFESSOR SCIENCE.

Dave: Wait...what? Professor Science is in the magic council in the past?

Dragon: YES THAT'S RIGHT. HE MEANS TO MIX MAGIC AND SCIENCE FOR HIS OWN ENDS. HE IS A DISGRACE. HE MUST HAVE SENT YOU HEAR TO KILL ME FOR HIS OWN ENDS. THE BASTARD. BUT I'LL KILL YOU FIRST, THEN HIM, THEN JFK, THEN THE BEATLES. I HATE THE BEATLES!

Dave: I love The Beatles and I'll stop you.

Dragon: NOT IF I CRUSH YOU AGAINST THIS MOUNTAIN.

(The dragon flies straight at a mountain.)

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Shit has hit the fan now.
 
I'm impressed by how I'm tying it all together, considering that I'm making it up as I go along.
 
This was all preordained.
 
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