New Dr Dave story

[CaptainWacky]

Dr Dave woke up and looked at the clock. It was 12:30 in the afternoon.

"Fuck, woke up two hours too early," said Dave. "I'll never get back to sleep now!"

"Why sleep when we can have some fun?" asked the girl he had spent the night with. Dave had saved her from mobsters who were trying to steal her Go Go Hamster.

"What, sex?" asked Dave, rolling his eyes. "Again? I didn't get to sleep until seven! That was fifteen minutes later than normal!"

"It was the best of my life!" she said, wide-eyed and excited.

"Yes, it was," said Dave. "I have to check my answering machine, so go and make me a breakfast sandwich."

"What do you want on it?"

"Well the fridge is empty, so you'll have to improvise."

"I could run down to the shops and buy you a sandwich!"

"See, the more you talk, the longer it is until I'm eating my sandwich."

"Okay!" She ran out.

"Nice ass," said Dave, as she left. "Shame about her brain. Now to check that FUCKING ANSWER MACHINE." He checked the answer machine and found a message from none other than POLICE CHIEF CALCULATOR, the chief of police!

"Dr Dave, ya mook, why ain't ya up yet, never mind, guess yer banging some hottie like always, nice work if ya can get it, I'm stuck with my fat wife until she dies of heart failure or until I die of liver failure, going to be fun finding out which comes first...anyway, ya bum, turn yer fucking tv on and ya'll see we gots a case for ya...one only ya can solve! Why do I keep saying ya instead of you? FUCK IT!"

Dr Dave turned on his tv to see a NEWSREPORTER standing outside a HOUSE.

"...just to recape in case someone has been asleep ALL DAY, the pop singer LADY GAGA has been kidnapped..."

"FUCK!" said Dave. He marched straight out of the house. The girl from the night before was just walking in as he did.

"Hey, where are you going, lover?"

"Lady GaGa's been kidnapped, I can't sit around here fucking you and eating sandwiches," he said.

"You could put some pants on at least!" she said. Dr Dave looked down.

"Good point," he said.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[The Tomtrek]

"Good point" as a DOUBLE ENTENDRE??????????

 

[Dr Dave]

I fight crime, fuck bitches,and like sandwiches...

sweet.

 

[Seph]

just another day in the office eh?

 

[CaptainWacky]

After putting his pants on, Dr Dave marched down the streets towards Lady GaGa's house (it was only six houses down from his.)

"Wait!" shouted the girl from the night before. "What about me?"

"We had sex last night," said Dave.

"Yes," she said.

"That was last night. This is now. Bye."

"But I thought it meant something to you!"

"No."

"It meant something to me!"

"Yes, it would."

"I could help you solve this case!"

"How?"

"I don't know, with my feet or something...I'm good with me feet. You don't even know my name!"

"And that's the way, uh huh, uh huh, I like it," said Dave.

"My name is Hope!" she said.

"Oh. That's a stupid name," said Dave.

"But maybe it's a sign! Hope that you can find Lady GaGa!"

"No, that's stupid."

"Just let me help!"

"You can carry my sandwich until I want to eat my sandwich at which point you will hand me my sandwich and I will eat my sandwich and your usefulness will be over and you will then leave," said Dave.

"Well, okay..." said Hope.

"GOOD," said Dave and took the remaining seventeen steps required to reach Lady GaGa's house. Chief Calculator and a load of COPS were waiting outside.

"What the fuck took ya, man!" said Calculator.

"Stop saying 'ya' and I'll answer you," said Dave.

"What the fuck took you, man?" asked Calculator.

"I was having sex," said Dave.

"You always are! But I thought with Lady GaGa living on your street you would have seen something! It happened last night."

"I was out saving this fairly attractive woman from mobsters," said Dave. "Now let me see the crime scene."

"We've been over it, man, there ain't nothing to see," said Calculator.

"I'll be the judge of twat," said Dave.

"Don't you mean of that?" asked Calculator.

"No," said Dave and walked incise. Hope followed with his sandwich.

"There, a clue," said Daev after eight microseconds.

"What?" asked Hope.

"This lamp," said Dave, pointing at a lamp.

"It's made out of the bones of a baby elephant!" said Hope.

"Yes," said Dave. "Lady GaGa loves that shit. But that's not the clue. The clue is that one of the bones is MISSING. Lady GaGa must have took it to give me a clue."

"But what could it mean?" asked Hope.

"Missing Bone...THE BONE MUSEUM!" said Dave.

"Let's roll!" said Hope.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

The Bone Museum was just SIX BLOCKS away so Dr Dave and Hope ran all the way.

"Run faster," said Dave. "I don't want my sandwich falling behind."

"I can't run as fast as a man!" said Hope.

"That is how God intented it, yes," said Dave. "Anyway, we are here."

"Ah, it's the building with the giant bone on the roof," said Hope. "I always wondered what that building was!"

"The Bone Museum was founded by Henry Bone in 1902," said Dave, a keen musem goer. "He decided that since his name was bone and he liked museums, he would create a museum for bones. But not boners, okay, so get that idea out of your head."

"I didn't have that idea!"

"Anyway, this is probably a trap," said Dave.

"Really?" asked Hope. "But you said GaGa left a clue for you..."

"Maybe that's what the kidnappers wanted me to think. MAYBE I'VE BEEN A FOOL. I should go home and get my guns. But I can't be bothered running all the way again."

"How many guns do you have?"

"FIVE THOUSAND, but that's not important. Let's just walk in and if it's a trap I'll kick everyone until it stops being a trap."

"Wouldn't that be dangerous?"

"Danger's my middle game."

"Don't you mean middle name?"

"No. Don't be stupid. That would be a stupid name."

Dave kicked the door down and jumped inside. A DOZZEN MOBSTERS with TOMMY GUNS were waiting for him.

"Hi," said Dave.

 

[Dr Dave]

Tommy guns ftw.

 

[CaptainWacky]

"Any last words, SO CALLED Doctor Dave?" asked one of the mobsters. One with a moustache. The other eleven just sneered. Mobster sneers.

"You're not going to shoot me," said Dave.

"Oh no?" laughed the moustached mobster. "Why the FLIP not?"

"Because...wait, did you just say flip instead of fuck?"

"Yeah, you got a flipping problem with that?"

"You don't swear? What kind of a pussy mobster are you."

"Look, I got a new baby from one of my mistresses and I don't want to swear around it, okay? Don't want to teach it bad habits, alright? Is that enough of a FLIPPING explanation for you, bumface?"

"You don't swear because it'll set a bad example...but you have no problem with gunning down the number one detective in town."

"YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE STUCK YOU FLIPDARN NOSE IN, DAVE! YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE STUCK! Now stop talking and we'll kill you!"

"Oh. Well, no. You won't shoot me, so you certainly won't kill me."

"WHY THE NOSE NOT?"

"Because the door is open and there are FIFTY WITNESSES out there."

"Well we'll have to CLOSE the door then, SMARTY-PANTS! Wait, is it open? I can't see from here."

"Maybe you should ALL take a step FORWARD." All the mobsters took a step forward.

"Hey, it is open...close it or we'll shoot you!"

"Okay," said Dave. But instead of closing the door he PULLED A ROPE.

"What the flip!" said the mobster and it was the last thing he ever said, for Dr Dave pulling the rope caused a MASSIVE BONE to fall from the ceiling, killing the mobsters, crushing them to total death. Hope ran in.

"What happened?" she asked, shocked.

"Ironic, isn't it? They came to a Bone Museum to kill Dr Dave...but ended up being killed BY a bone BY Dr Dave," said Dr Dave.

"Umm, I suppose so," said Hope. "But how did you know that massive bone was here?"

"I know this bone museum like the back of my hand," said Dave. "I had the upper hand the whole time."

"What type of bone is that anyway?" she asked.

"It's a giant's penis bone," said Dave.

"THere's no bone in the human penis!"

"But there is in a giant's penis," said Dave. "Now, we need to find some more clues as the the real location of GaGa..."

"I've found one!" said Hope, pulling a note from a dead mobster's pocket. "It reads 'THE REAL LOCATION OF GAGA IS IN THE DEATH VOLCANO, MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA' then there's a drawing of a naked lady."

"Oh no," said Dave. "Not the death volcano! THat's twenty blocks from here!"

 

[CaptainWacky]

Dave and Hope decided to get a cab to the Death Volcano.

"So, tell me about this Death Volcano," said Hope.

"It's not so bad," said Dave. "It's been dormant for NINE HUNDRED YEARS. There's little chance it will suddenly erupt today in spectacular fashion!"

"So why is it called the DEATH Volcano?"

"Because nine virgins were ritually murdered there by Richard Nixon."

"Oh, THAT volcano!" said Hope, feeling stupid.

"Hey, it was funny that those mobsters had Tommy Guns," said Dave.

"Why was that funny?" asked Hope.

"The mobsters that tried to steal your son's Go Go Hamster had Tommy Guns."

"Oh," said Hope, looking around suspiciously. "That's true..."

"Hmm," said Dave. "Maybe they all shop at the same gun shop."

"That must be it!"

"HEY, ARE YOU THE DETECTIVE WHO'S GOING TO SAVE LADY GAGA?" shouted the cab driver.

"Yes that's right," said Dave.

"Good luck! I love Lady GaGa!" said the cab driver.

"Thanks for your support," said Dave, as they arrived at the Deadly Volcano. "LET'S GO," he shouted at Hope.

"Why did you shout?" she asked as they got out.

"I thought you might be death in the left ear. I normally talk to your right ear, you see."

"Oh, okay," she said. "So, how we going to play this?"

"I figure I'll run in and shout 'HAVE YOU FUCKERS GOT LADY GAGA HERE?' then kick everyone I see," said Dave.

"Okay," said Hope. "After you." Dave took a step forward...AND HOPE HIT HIM IN THE BECK OF THE HEAD WITH A SOCK FULL OF DOORKNOBS SHE WAS CARRYING IN THE SAME BAG AS HIS SANDWICH THIS WHOLE TIME.

"Is it done?" came a voice. A BLACK MAN stepped out of the shadows.

"It is done," said Hope, smiling evily!

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" said the black man.

"MWAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" said Hope, throwing her hair back with reckless abandon.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Dr Dave]

That bitch!

 

[CaptainWacky]

Doctor Dave woke to find himself TIED TO A CHAIR.

"Holy shit I'm tied to a fucking chair," he said. He looked up to see the black man, Hope and several HIRED GOONS standing in the room looking all evil.

"That's right, you are completely at my mercy," said the black man.

"Who the DEVIL are you?" asked Dave.

"Oh, I'm Phineas Bumwash," he said. "The number one mobster in town!"

"But I'm the number one detective in town and I've never heard of you," said Dave.

"I stay in the shadows, like a PUPPET MASTER, pulling the strings, greasing palms, making things happen, moving all the pieces into place," said Bumwash.

"It's true, Dave," said Hope. "He's the main man. He has all the power."

"And what are you, Hope, you slut?" asked Dave. "I should have killed you after sex like lions do."

"Lions don't kill after sex!" Hope said.

"Shut up," said Dave. "You betrayed me. Are you a MOBSTER WHORE?"

"It's complicated!" said Hope.

"Yeah, more like SLUTicated," said Dave.

"Haha," laughed Bumwash. "You see, Dave, I've done much worse than kill you. I've hurt you. Left you buried under a dead volcano as you left her. And I mean to go one hurting you."

"Oh," said Dave. "I'm not going to shout 'BUMWAAAAAAAASH' because it would soundfucking stupid. Who did I leave buried under a dead volcano, by the way?"

"MY WIFE!" said Bumwash.

"Oh, Mrs Bumwash was your wife? I remember her. Hehe, yeah. I did leave her buried under a dead volcano. That was funny."

"SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL AND PURE!" screamed Bumwash.

"She murdered eight babies and a chinman!" said Dave.

"They probably deserved it!" said Bumwash. "Anyway, now to REALLY hurt you..." He pulled a curtain that was covering a BIG CAGE revealing that LADY GAGA was in the cage all along!

"Help me, Doctor Dave!" said GaGa. "Oh no, you've been captured too!"

"That's right, GaGa!" said Bumwash. "You have lost all HOPE!"

"Ah, but so have you," said Dave. He then blink REALLY FAST. Suddenly, Hope held her head in pain!

"THE PAIN, THE PAIN!" she said. "IT'S SORE PAIN!"

"What have you done?!" asked Bumwash.

"That's easy to explain," said Dave. "After sleeping with a girl, I alwasy inject a microchip into their brain so that I can easily track them if I ever want to sleep with them again. I've never actually had to use it, because I love fresh pussy so much. But it JUST SO HAPPENS that I can also cause the woman EXTREME PAIN with a secret BLINKING CONTROL after I have microchipped them. Die, Hope. DIE!"

 

[CaptainWacky]

"NOOOOO!" cried Hope. "Please, stop this!"

"I'll stop this when your MOBSTER FRIEND Bumwash releases GaGa!" said Dave.

"Why would I do that?" asked Bumwash.

"Because I'm going to kill Hope with blinking!" said Dave.

"Go ahead, kill her," said Bumwash. "I don't give a fucked. Plenty more whores in the whorehouse!"

"You're so evil!" said GaGa.

"Well, duh!" said Bumwash.

"Please...it's not my fault," said Hope.

"Oh sure, LANDO!" said Dave.

"My son...Bumwash has my son...he's said he'd kill him if I didn't help him..."

"Yeah, that's true," laughed Bumwash. "I even forced her to film the sex you two had! I'm going to watch it later and have a JOLLY GOOD WANK! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"You cunt!" said Dave and stopped blinking. Everyone gasped.

"No need for that kind of languag, Dave!" said GaGa.

"Yes, bad Doctor Dave!" said Bumwash. "ANyway, now for my next phase of the plan...to RANSOM Lady GaGa to Barrack Obama himself for NINTEY GAJILLION DOLLARS! America needs Lady GaGa and Obama would pay ANYTHING for her safe return!"

"It's true," said GaGa, sighing. "cupcakeer's crazy about me."

"And what is your plan for me?" asked Dave.

"TO KILL YOU!" said Bumwash.

"I thought you just wanted to make me suffer and go on suffering," said Dave.

"Well, at first," said Bumwash. "But you've suffered and now you can suffer again...BY DYING."

"NOT IF ANYTHING TO SAY AbOUT IT I HAVE!" said Hope, grabbing a GUN from a HIRED GOOON.

"Oh come now, Hope," said Bumwash. "We all know that if you shoot me I'll have your son turned into sausages!"

"I'm not going to shoot you," said Hope. "I'M GOING TO SHOOT DOCTOR DAVE FOR HURTING ME WITH HIS BLINKING!" She pointed the gun at Dave.

"This is getting annoying," said Dave.

 

[Dr Dave]

I hope this ends well for me.

 

[CaptainWacky]

"Hahahaha," said Bumwash. "Sure, go ahead, shoot him. He's suffered slightly more than enough! Then I can start raking in the residuals from GaGa's music sales!"

"You evil CUNT!" said GaGa. "Not my residuals!"

"Hurry the fuck up and shoot me for fuck's sake," said Dave.

"Oh, I'll SHOOT you alright...SHOOT YOUR RESTRAINTS THUS FREEING YOU!" said Hope. She then shot Dave's restraints, those freeing him.

"You evil bitch," said Dave. "Wait...freeing me...that's a good thing!"

"I was good all along!" said Hope, kissing Dave.

"RIDDLE THEM WITH BULLETS!" said Bumwash.

"Gee boss, I don't know no riddles!" said a really thick hired goon.

"SHOOT THEM!" said Bumwash. They all fired but Dave DUCKED under the bullets and knocked a gun from a goon with a KARATE KICK. Armed now, Dave performed an ACTION HERO ROLL and shot three goons dead with his next three shots.

"God that's hot," said Hope.

"Tell me about it," said GaGa.

"OUT OF AMMO, DAVE!" said Bumwash, putting his own death glove on as he spoke. "Now all I have to do is hope you don't manage to reload while my death glove charges up..."

"How long does it take to charge up?" asked Dave.

"Umm, about an hour," said Bumwash. "Shit." Dave shot Bumwash right between the eyes without a moment's hesitation.

"Oh well," said Dave.

"You killed him!" said GaGa. "That's...GREAT! Now let me out of this cage...or come in here with me..."

"You killed him!" said Hope. "BUT HE WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO KNEW WHERE MY SON IS!"

"Oh," said Dave. "I'm sure the little shit's okay."

"Help me, mummy!" came a voice from SOMEWHERE. "I'm in a sausage making machine!"

 

[Dr Dave]

Always bet on Dave.

 

[Seph]

lol...

 

[CaptainWacky]

"OH NO!" said Hope.

"Where is this sausage machine, son?" asked Dave, calmly.

"I don't know! I'm so scared!" said the lad.

"LOOK AROUND FOR CLUES LIKE A GOOD DETECTIVE WOULD DO," shouted Dave.

"Okay...okay...wait...there's a sign here. It says...SEXY FRED'S SAUSAGE SHOP. Please hurry!"

"Oh, Sexy Fred, he makes a good sausage," said GaGa.

"Yes I know the shop," said Dave. "It's right next to the Deadly Volcano."

"And we're in a secret base under the Deadly Volcano!" said Hope. "What a stroke of luck!"

"I'll save your son then pick up some sausages," said Dave. All three RAN OUT of the Deadly Volcano and arrived at Sexy Fred's Sausage Shop pretty quickly.

"Almost too easy," said GaGa, opening the door. "AAAAAAAAAAH, ZOMBIES!" she shouted. The shop was full of zombies.

"Fucking zombies," said Dave.

"Yeah, the mob's been experimenting on zombies for years," said Hope, thoughtfully. "I guess they finally managed to create them."

"Yes," said Dave. "I am a detective. I know these things."

"What do we do?" asked GaGa.

"Well, there's one thing AND ONE THING ONLY that zombies want," said Dave.

"BRAINSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" said the zombies.

"Yes that's right," said Dave. "I'll just make a FAKE BRAIN out of some sausages - " he made a fake brain out of some sausages " - and put it in front of this DEADLY CUTTING MACHINE!" He put the sausage brain in front of a deadly cutting machine. All the zombies ran towards it and were cut up by the machine.

"Well, that was easy," said GaGa. "And seeing those zombies chopped up like that...kind of turned me on."

"Let's fucking hurry up and get home and have sex then," said Dave.

"Wait, I need to make sure my son's okay!" said Hope.

"I'm okay, mummy!" said her son. "And now I want to be a detective just like my hero Doctor Dave!"

"Hahaha, of course you do, son," said Dave, mussing up the boy's hair. "Okay, sex now, GaGa."

"You leave me SPEECHLESS, Dr Dave!" said GaGa.

"Wait, can I come to?" asked Hope.

"AFTER YOU BETRAYED ME?" asked Dave.

"I had no choice!" she said.

"Hmm, I guess not," said Dave. "Some women care about their children for some reason. But I'm not sure..."

GaGa whispered something to Dave then giggled. Dave smiled. "What?" asked Hope.

"Do you still have that sandwich?" asked Dave.

"Of course!" said Hope.

"Then you can come," said Dave.

THE END

 

[Friday]

Yay Dr. Dave! Yay CaptainWacky!

 

[CaptainWacky]

It didn't outstay its welcome.

 

[Dr Dave]

That was a good story Wacky.