One of these days...

[Consumer]

^ I basically agree.

However, I'll raise the question: if the disease is mental, is it the same case? Your body is healthy, but your mind is sick, you are in pain, you act poorly because of that pain, you hurt others...
Do you (as in you, gentle readers) see a difference? Psychology is not nearly as exact as surgery, chemo or radiation...

 

[Conchaga]

If you don't know you're sick, how do you know you need to end it?

 

[Cassie]

No, I don't mean all suicide is passive aggressive. Abusing drugs is passive aggressive suicide. Not that the way I think of it matches the definition of passive aggressive, it's just something I've thought of since I got off the dope roller coaster.

 

[Mirah]

Is it arrogance that keeps me alive? The belief that I am too good, too smart, too strong, to take my own life? Or is it arrogance that will someday kill me? The idea that my pain is more than yours, and unbearable, and warrants escape?

Someday I will answer that question, and put down the gun or pull the trigger.

Perhaps it is arrogant of me to even think I have but those two choices. Oh, arrogance, your fucking bitch.

I never think that my pain is more or less than anybody else's pain. It just is. We suffer from the human condition. There are others that have suffered far more than I, but that does not make my pain less. There are some that have not suffered what I have gone through.

Then there is the pain I continue to cause myself.

The choices I make, the decisions, and the places I put myself for whatever reason. I have to take full responsibility for these things.

I have too much hope. If you look at me and see the things I have gone through, one might say they would kill themselves if they had gone through the same things, well fuck them because I chose to live my life.

I choose not to wallow in my shit and see what I can contribute to the world rather than what I can take or what the world isn't giving to me. I make my world what it is.

I never judge. But feel pain I do.

 

[Homo Erectus]

death is one of nature's greatest gifts. It can end misery, hunger and loneliness. We modern men have an obsession with immortality totally out of allignment with how good life is. If life is miserable and cannot be made better, what is the point of dragging on and on? I say good on you. Let us know when you go.

 

[Tisiphone]

Look, I make no bones about being fucked up in the head, and it doesn't have anything to do with depression. There's a family history of schizoid/paranoia problems, and I'm the lucky apple that got a small dose of that this generation.

If I'm ever sad, it's usually exacerbated by my chronic insomnia, which I have lived with since I was 11. I also won't deny that during my youth there were many times where I thought about suicide, because believe me, I had the pill bottles to take care of it. There is nothing tragic or horrible that has happened in my life to make me this way. I come from a very loving family, who, like all families, have had their problems. I just have a small genetic tick that sometimes rears its ugly head. Some people can deal with it, and there have been numerous who can't. TK is the first place (either in real life or OL) that I have found where there seem to be others who, while not just like me, have their own "personality glitch." And that's why I have so much fun here.

So....that was long-winded, and way more than I wanted to share about myself, but that's how it is for me. I blame the fact that for the first time in years, I'm actually getting more than three hours of sleep a night, so I'm in a much better frame of mind.

 

[Friday]

Consumer--your legacy to your son will be to opt out when things get rough. By committing suicide, you give him permission to entertain that option when things get too tough for *him*. Is that the message you want to bequeath?

Conchaga, and everyone else, I empathize with you, and wish you all well. I understand pain, and there was a time in my teens when I thought of suicide, for reasons I won't go into here. The thing that stopped me was looking over into the crib of my then infant nephew, who needed me. I haven't thought about it since.

I also agree that a lot of TK's members flirt with the darker side because we are broken, in our own way. Ironically, I was able to bring to the surface, and deal with, a major trauma in my life because of a member of TK. He helped me deal, and discover a stabilizing center within myself. I am not the same person that rejoined TK 5 years ago, thanks to him. I hope I was able to do the same for him, even a little.

So, as infrequently as I post here nowadays, TK (and by TK I mean its' members) has helped me find myself. Thanks, guys.

 

[The Call Of Nature]

sooner or later, I will tire of this cycle of starburst and cold depths, and I will choose to end it.

No offense meant, but wouldn't it be better to just invest some time and energy in changing that cycle? Admittedly, that method is more exhausting than pulling a trigger but it has the advantage that it leaves you with a much longer rest of your life to enjoy plus you have the possibility to correct any mistake you might make in the process (which may not always be the case with your proposed solution).

 

[Consumer]

This has been floating around in my head again...stress, or bitterness about things, I'm not sure.

I watched my son pet a horse's nose for the first time in his life the other day. He liked it, the horse seemed to enjoy it too. It is a moment I'll keep. I feel like he's my camp-fire at times, that I stand and warm my hands next to it, not quite able to touch him as he is fire and burns too bright. It is his nature. Being cold is mine.

Change the cycle? Yes. That's the logical thing to do. But in those moments of magnificent madness, I am fully "me". I talked to a girl the other day, complete and in my Power. I told her what she had to do, what she had to face, and not to be afraid. I think I did some good there...she's dealing with a rape and now is getting help, and I think there is still some oddly placed shame in her yet, but at least she is starting to push through it. I can do "good" in moments like that. I can raise my son. It is in the cold times that I am less, and it is in those times (as I feel myself being drawn into now), that I toy with the idea of emptiness.

Is it better to have loved and lost than to...etc, etc...meh. It is not a question. It is life, and life wounds and tears and just IS because this world is imperfect. "Perfect Love" is an illusion, we gain our perfections in moments, here and gone, and then to be pursued again. I just get tired of the chase at times.

When an average star goes nova, there is a core left, white-hot (but cooling...slowly cooling). I am still warm.

This may seem like a ramble. But there is purpose behind my words, and even a ramble eventually ends up somewhere.

I'm fine. But tired.