CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(The curtain rises suddenly to no warning. A man and woman are standing on the stage. Naked. They are both 22. The woman is normal. The man is "off". They both look startled.)
Woman: Where are we!? Who are you!? Who are these peoole watching?
(The man doesn't answer. He just stares at her nude body.)
Woman: Stop that!
(The man goes red.)
Woman: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?
(She runs towards the front of the stage but is thrown back as if by an INVISIBLE FORCEFIELD.)
Woman: I don't understand...
(The man suddenly has a determined look on his face.)
Man: Pffft, isn't it obvious?
Woman: What!?
Man: I thought even YOU would have figured it out by now!
Woman: Who are you!? What is this place?
Man: We have been chosen to represent humanity in this, our people's first contact with aliens! DUH! I have been taken as an example of the best of humanity, you as the mundane, the obvious, nothing more than a statistic.
Woman: But these people...we're on a stage...
Man: PFFFFFT! All the world is a stage, young lady. I thought everyone knew that! These people are OBVIOUSLY aliens watching how we interact, after having taken the form of humans! They will judge our species on what we...or, more likely, on what I, say and do. And then...there shall be rewards.
Woman: How do you know all this?
Man: It's obvious! To someone like me, anyway.
Woman: Obvious? WHAT THE FUCK? I was just sitting in my house then I was here, naked, with you...did you do this?
Man(addressing the audience): Poor fool! She doesn't understand!
Woman: Stop that!
Man: Is that all you can say? God, it's lucky I'm here! And aliens, don't take that as a sign I believe in God, I don't, of course. You can probably tell that from the scans of my brain you took. A brain as developed as mine would never believe in such supernatural fairytales! I am above such nonesense, I am the next evolutionary stage of humanity! Soon the rest will follow, give them time. Don't wipe out the human race. Or, if you do, save me and those like me. There aren't many, so you'll have to search really hard...
Woman: What are you talking about? We have to figure out a way of getting out of here!
Man: My dear average woman, I have no desire to leave here. I've been waiting for this my whole life!
Woman: What? You've been waiting to appear naked on a stage in front of...aliens, you say, your whole life?
Man: Oh don't be silly, not this exactly, but SOMETHING like this. I've known I have a special destiny my whole life. I've felt it, every moment of every day! Every time I interacted with one of you "normal" people I felt it. Well, that and contempt...sometimes downright hatred, towards your kind and the fact they rule the world! But I never lost faith. It's what kept me going, all the long nights alone, sometimes thoughts of suicide would ever come, unbidden...but I'd chase them away with my faith. My faith in THIS. This is my destiny! From here the sky's the limit! I shall see the stars, the stars! I have arrived.
Woman: You're...you're mad...you're mad...this is mad...stop looking at me...I need clothes...
Man: Oh don't flatter yourself! I have no interest in you and those bags of fat hanging from your chest! That's right, I am a homosexual, a PROPER homosexual! Not a "gay", not a "fag", not a "queen", no, but a proper, evolved homosexual, as all men shall be someday. I used to be a slave to heterosexuality, I used to masturbated my grubby little penis to images of scrumpets like you...but I freed myself. I came to see the parts, rather than the whole. The disgusting, female, flabby parts...you sicken me. I won't look anymore, but only because I don't want to throw up.
Woman: You're mad!
Man: I'm home. And I'm free! These aliens, these glorious beings of light from beyond the moon, they see it! They see what I am.
Woman: You're a prick!
Man: Such wit!
Woman: I'm not trying to be witty! I just want out...I'm naked in front of all these people!
Man: Who cares? You're hideous anyway! Oh, I suppose that's why you care. Shame, another emotion I have evolved beyond...
Woman: You people...say something. Stop looking at us!
(A member of the audience stands up.)
Man: Ah, the head alien. Salutations! Take ME to your leader, haha! Cultural reference there!
Audience Member: Umm, we're not aliens, we're just an audience. You're in a play.
Woman: What? But I'm not an actress!
Man: Huh? Why would you say that?
Auidence Member: A play...OF PWNAGE!
(The man and the woman look at each other, confused.)
Audience Member: THASSS RIIIIIGHT...YOU'VE BEEN PWNED!
(The Audience Member rips her FAKE BEARD off revealing DAVINA MCCALL.)
Davina: I bet you're SOOOOOO surprised to discover that you were just PWNED by the geniuses at Channel 4!
Woman: What? That stupid show!? Oh know, how embarrassing, all my friends watch! But I suppose it's funny...and I'll get to be on tv...
Davina: She's a good sport folks, give her a hand!
Man: But...but...my destiny...
(Davina puts her arm around him with a big gurning grin on her face.)
Davina: He's a great sport too, folks!
Man: Don't touch me you cunt.
Davina: Oooh, he's a fiesty one!
Man: FUCK OFF! THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE...I WAS SUPPOSED...NO...DON'T MAKE ME GO BACK...I'M SO LONELY...SO LONELY!
(He grabs hold of the woman.)
Man: Please, be my friend...I just want someone to talk to...
Woman: But I thought I was just a statistic?
Man: I was scared...so scared...haven't...not used to being around people...was just trying to seem like I knew what was going on...just trying to be in control...please...you understand...please...
Woman: Go to hell.
(She leaves with Davina.)
Man: No...don't...I'm so alone...please...
(The word "LAUGH!" flashes up on a sign above the stage and the audience laughs.)
Man: Stop it, STOP IT! I'M SPECIAL! I'M SUPPOSED TO HAVE A SPECIAL DESTINY! I'M NOT MEANT FOR THIS! I'M NOT ONE OF YOU! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU!
(Davina McCall comes back on stage.)
Davina: Time to leave, there's some forms you have to sign...
Man: I'll sign them...IN YOUR FUCKDAMN BLOOD!
(He takes a swing at Davina but she easily sidesteps it and kicks him in his exposed testicles.)
Davina: Give me points for accuracy, it wasn't easy hitting a target so small!
("LAUGH!" And the audience do. The man moans and sobs in pain and despair.)
Man: Aliens...where are the aliens...
FIN
Woman: Where are we!? Who are you!? Who are these peoole watching?
(The man doesn't answer. He just stares at her nude body.)
Woman: Stop that!
(The man goes red.)
Woman: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?
(She runs towards the front of the stage but is thrown back as if by an INVISIBLE FORCEFIELD.)
Woman: I don't understand...
(The man suddenly has a determined look on his face.)
Man: Pffft, isn't it obvious?
Woman: What!?
Man: I thought even YOU would have figured it out by now!
Woman: Who are you!? What is this place?
Man: We have been chosen to represent humanity in this, our people's first contact with aliens! DUH! I have been taken as an example of the best of humanity, you as the mundane, the obvious, nothing more than a statistic.
Woman: But these people...we're on a stage...
Man: PFFFFFT! All the world is a stage, young lady. I thought everyone knew that! These people are OBVIOUSLY aliens watching how we interact, after having taken the form of humans! They will judge our species on what we...or, more likely, on what I, say and do. And then...there shall be rewards.
Woman: How do you know all this?
Man: It's obvious! To someone like me, anyway.
Woman: Obvious? WHAT THE FUCK? I was just sitting in my house then I was here, naked, with you...did you do this?
Man(addressing the audience): Poor fool! She doesn't understand!
Woman: Stop that!
Man: Is that all you can say? God, it's lucky I'm here! And aliens, don't take that as a sign I believe in God, I don't, of course. You can probably tell that from the scans of my brain you took. A brain as developed as mine would never believe in such supernatural fairytales! I am above such nonesense, I am the next evolutionary stage of humanity! Soon the rest will follow, give them time. Don't wipe out the human race. Or, if you do, save me and those like me. There aren't many, so you'll have to search really hard...
Woman: What are you talking about? We have to figure out a way of getting out of here!
Man: My dear average woman, I have no desire to leave here. I've been waiting for this my whole life!
Woman: What? You've been waiting to appear naked on a stage in front of...aliens, you say, your whole life?
Man: Oh don't be silly, not this exactly, but SOMETHING like this. I've known I have a special destiny my whole life. I've felt it, every moment of every day! Every time I interacted with one of you "normal" people I felt it. Well, that and contempt...sometimes downright hatred, towards your kind and the fact they rule the world! But I never lost faith. It's what kept me going, all the long nights alone, sometimes thoughts of suicide would ever come, unbidden...but I'd chase them away with my faith. My faith in THIS. This is my destiny! From here the sky's the limit! I shall see the stars, the stars! I have arrived.
Woman: You're...you're mad...you're mad...this is mad...stop looking at me...I need clothes...
Man: Oh don't flatter yourself! I have no interest in you and those bags of fat hanging from your chest! That's right, I am a homosexual, a PROPER homosexual! Not a "gay", not a "fag", not a "queen", no, but a proper, evolved homosexual, as all men shall be someday. I used to be a slave to heterosexuality, I used to masturbated my grubby little penis to images of scrumpets like you...but I freed myself. I came to see the parts, rather than the whole. The disgusting, female, flabby parts...you sicken me. I won't look anymore, but only because I don't want to throw up.
Woman: You're mad!
Man: I'm home. And I'm free! These aliens, these glorious beings of light from beyond the moon, they see it! They see what I am.
Woman: You're a prick!
Man: Such wit!
Woman: I'm not trying to be witty! I just want out...I'm naked in front of all these people!
Man: Who cares? You're hideous anyway! Oh, I suppose that's why you care. Shame, another emotion I have evolved beyond...
Woman: You people...say something. Stop looking at us!
(A member of the audience stands up.)
Man: Ah, the head alien. Salutations! Take ME to your leader, haha! Cultural reference there!
Audience Member: Umm, we're not aliens, we're just an audience. You're in a play.
Woman: What? But I'm not an actress!
Man: Huh? Why would you say that?
Auidence Member: A play...OF PWNAGE!
(The man and the woman look at each other, confused.)
Audience Member: THASSS RIIIIIGHT...YOU'VE BEEN PWNED!
(The Audience Member rips her FAKE BEARD off revealing DAVINA MCCALL.)
Davina: I bet you're SOOOOOO surprised to discover that you were just PWNED by the geniuses at Channel 4!
Woman: What? That stupid show!? Oh know, how embarrassing, all my friends watch! But I suppose it's funny...and I'll get to be on tv...
Davina: She's a good sport folks, give her a hand!
Man: But...but...my destiny...
(Davina puts her arm around him with a big gurning grin on her face.)
Davina: He's a great sport too, folks!
Man: Don't touch me you cunt.
Davina: Oooh, he's a fiesty one!
Man: FUCK OFF! THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE...I WAS SUPPOSED...NO...DON'T MAKE ME GO BACK...I'M SO LONELY...SO LONELY!
(He grabs hold of the woman.)
Man: Please, be my friend...I just want someone to talk to...
Woman: But I thought I was just a statistic?
Man: I was scared...so scared...haven't...not used to being around people...was just trying to seem like I knew what was going on...just trying to be in control...please...you understand...please...
Woman: Go to hell.
(She leaves with Davina.)
Man: No...don't...I'm so alone...please...
(The word "LAUGH!" flashes up on a sign above the stage and the audience laughs.)
Man: Stop it, STOP IT! I'M SPECIAL! I'M SUPPOSED TO HAVE A SPECIAL DESTINY! I'M NOT MEANT FOR THIS! I'M NOT ONE OF YOU! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU!
(Davina McCall comes back on stage.)
Davina: Time to leave, there's some forms you have to sign...
Man: I'll sign them...IN YOUR FUCKDAMN BLOOD!
(He takes a swing at Davina but she easily sidesteps it and kicks him in his exposed testicles.)
Davina: Give me points for accuracy, it wasn't easy hitting a target so small!
("LAUGH!" And the audience do. The man moans and sobs in pain and despair.)
Man: Aliens...where are the aliens...
FIN
