Russel T. Davies' script notes for "Voyage of the Damned"

[The Tomtrek]

VOYAGE OF THE DAMNED - by Russel T. Davies

Voyage of the Damned will be the Doctor Who Christmas Special for 2007. It will carry on from my opus "Last of the Time Lords". If you thought that that episode was the best Who could do, think again!!

It takes place on Christmas, like the last two specials, but with a difference. You see I have created, all by myself, the idea of The Titanic... IN SPACE!

I wont go into the plot now, so let's look at some of the characters:

Astrid: I personally spent three weeks thinking of this name. Some of the other writers suggested that I should have spent this time working on some of the plot problems in this script but everything I write is perfect so they must be mad. ANYWAY she's played by KYLIE MINOGUE!!! YES! KYLIE! I LOVE HER!!!!!!!!!!! Also she loves The Doctor instantly but who cares KKKKYYYLLLIIEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Captain Hardaker: As you can see all the names for my characters are really deep. You see he's the Captain so he's really HARD, like an AKRE of wood (okay it's really about penises!!). Hahaha I'm great. Yeah so he's evil or something I don't know.

Midshipman Frame: I came up with this name after staring at my window naked for four days straight (well NOT STRAIGHT BECAUSE I'M GAY YOU SEE WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE SO JUDGMENTAL??????). Anyway he gets shot early on but that pretty much doesn't matter as he doesn't die or anything and he pretty much forgets he's even been shot by the end so hey.

Foon and Morvin Van Hoff: Fat. Fat. Fat. They're two (FAT) people who, because they're fat, eat a lot!! Foon. LIKE FOOD! FAT PEOPLE FUCKING LOVE FOOD!! I know the kids will love this because the kids loooooove fat people, and even better, THEY'RE IN SILLY CLOTHES!! I'll acept that BAFTA now thanks!! Anyway because, as we all know, fat people are stupid they both die! Yay!

Rickston Slade: SLADE! AT CHRISTMAS! I KNOW!!! Anyway he's the real HERO of the piece (aside from The Doctor WHO I FUCKING LOOOOOVE OH GOOOOOOD). He hates the fat people, he LOVES his money, he's basically a real solid guy. I know some people will think "Well that's the type of person who will get killed off!" BUT NO!!!! HE SURVIVES!!! I even had to put a line in where someone says "WOW I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DIDN'T DIE THIS IS EXCELLENT WRITING REALLY." because PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW HOW SMART I AM.

Bannakaffalatta: I'm thinking of changing his name as it's a bit short for an Alien (I'm thinking about Bannakaffalattalamprwookamanchandopallalwookwooktada), but anyway the kids will LOVE this guy too becuase NOT ONLY IS HE A RED MIDGET... BUT HE HAS A FUNNY VOICE!!! Ah hahahahaha. The action figures for this guy will FLY OFF THE SHELVES!! Anyway as he's an Alien he's obviously not as smart of proper people and so talks about himself in the third person a lot!! Also he's half a robot or something, which some eagle eyed viewers might take to mean that h'es like a GAY PERSON!!! DON'T THE TELL FANS!!! haha


There are a few more but I don't want to spoil the surprise (IF YOU LIKE HEADS ON WHEEL'S, YOU'LL LOVE "VOYAGE OF THE DAMNED"!!!).


I'm certain that KYLIE will be awesome and I mean it's the goddamn TITANIC IN SPACE so it's not like plot or anything MATTERS?


- Russel T. Davies

 

[Gagh]

I'm also thinking of we might get the following:

Geoffrey Palmer: He was great in Butterflies, As Time Goes By and as Field Marshal Haig that time in Blackadder Goes Forth, but when you look at his cherubic, rubbery classical English features, you can see the EYES OF A COLD KILLER. He'll play Captain HARDAKER because he played Lionel HARDCASTLE in Time Goes By. So he's a Killer, because we all know an AKER beats a CASTLE! Even in CHESS, and because I referred to CHESS, I am secretly writing on an intellectual basis for the kids. Can I have my Bafta now?

Nicholas Witchell: I mean, we practically SAVED the Beeb with Doctor Who, so they'll give us anyone on their payroll to make this seem like a legitimate newscast, right? Everyone's seen Sean of the Dead when Martin Lewis talked about the Zombies as if it happened? Well that gave the movie CANON. We need more CANON. Who better than the BBC's own ROYAL CORRESPONDENT? I'm a fucking genius. Plus he's cute, with those freckles.

Bernard Cribbins: This is where I get real BAFTA kudos. Crafty Bernard is a classic English FUNNYMAN as we all know. He was in shit loads of stuff in the 70's as a TV FUNNYMAN and even knew the Pythons! He'll play a loveable Newspaper Vendor. A typical COCKNEY FUNNYMAN. And what's more, because he was in the Doctor Who movie with the Daleks and Peter Cushing and shit, like over 100 years ago, all the WHOVIANS will practically get wet pants for this reference and I'll get 100 BAFTAS!!!

 

[CaptainWacky]

The Queen: LOL CORGIS.

 

[CaptainWacky]

Bernard Cribbins rocks the box.