CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(MAN WALKS ON STAGE.)
MAN: HELLO I AM A TIME TRAVELLER HERE TO WARN YOU THAT THIS CITY IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE AND YOU ALL DIE.
(LONG PAUSE.)
MAN: SERIOULSY, THIS ISN'T PART OF THE PLAY. YOU ARE ALL GOING TO DIE.
(LONG PAUSE.)
MAN: SERIOUSLY, IT SHOULD BE HAPPENING ABOUT NOW.
(LONG PAUSE.)
MAN: UNLESS...
(LONG PAUSE.)
MAN: WHAT IF JUST BY BEING HERE I HAVE SOMEHOW CHANGED HISTORY SO THAT THIS CITY DOES NO EXPLODE? WHAT IF MY MERE PRESENCE HAS SAVED YOU ALL?
(LONG PAUSE.)
MAN: I AM LIKE CHRIST TO YOU PEOPLE!
(HE WHIPS OUT HIS DICK AND STARTS MASTURBATING.)
MAN: I FUCKING LOVE TO WANK, WATCH MY CUM LIKE CHRIST!
(ANOTHER MAN RUNS ONTO THE STAGE.)
ANOTHER MAN: THIS ISN'T PART OF THE SHOW! HE TIED ME UP BACKSTAGE AND RAN ON HERE TO WANK!
MAN: HAHAHAHA, WANK WANK WANK!
ANOTHER MAN: I HAVE TO STOP YOU!
(HE WHIPS OUT HIS OWN DICK.)
ANOTHER MAN: I'LL COUNTER YOUR WANKING WITH MY OWN!
MAN: BUT THEN THE CITY WILL EXPLODE!
ANOTHER MAN: THAT'S NOT VERY SCIENTIFIC!
MAN: I CAN FEEL IT, IF OUR ORGASM ARE IN OPPOSITION IT WILL DESTROY THE CITY! OH MY GOD! IT'S A PRE-DESTINATION PARADOX! BY TRAVELLING BACK IN TIME AND MASTURBATING HERE LIKE I'M CHRIST, I HAVE ACTUALLY CREATED THE CONDITIONS THAT BLOW UP THE CITY!
ANOTHER MAN: HOW CAN WE STOP THIS!?
MAN: MAYBE...MAYBE IF WE RUB OUR COCKS UP AGAINST EACH OTHER...
ANOTHER MAN: WHAT, LIKE THIS...
(THEN START TO RUB COCKS.)
MAN: YEAH, FUCK YEAH, THAT FEELS GOOOOOOD!
ANOTHER MAN: HERE'S TO SAVING THE CITY!
(BUT THEN A THIRD MAN RUNS ON WITH A GUN AND SHOOTS THEM BOTH DEAD.)
THIRD MAN: THEY WERNE'T PART OF THE SHOW! BUT NEITHER AM I! DIE, SCUM!
(HE STARTS SHOOTING AT THE AUDIENCE.)
THIRD MAN: WAIT A MINUTE, THIS ISN'T A REAL GUN!
(THE FIRST TWO MEN JUMP UP THE PULL HIS TROUSERS DOWN.)
MAN: HA! WE KNEW WHAT YOU WERE PLANNING AS WE SWAPPED THE GUNS! AND NOW TO SAVE THE WORLD BY RUBBING ALL THREE COCKS TOGETHER!
ANOTHER MAN: HOW DOES THAT WORK, EXACTLY?
MAN: WHO CARES!
THIRD MAN: I'LL NEVER JOIN YOU...BECAUSE...I'M ACTUALLY A WOMAN!
(HE SHOWS HIS GENITALS TO THE AUDIENCE. IT'S A WOMAN!)
MAN: OH NO, YOU JUST KILLED US ALL!
ANOTHER MAN: AIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
(THEY ALL FALL OVER AND THERE'S SOME SMOKE TO INDICATE THAT THE CITY HAS EXPLODED. A FOURTH MAN WALKS ONTO STAGE.)
FOURTH MAN: THAT'S THE LAST TIME I HIRE MENTAL PATIENTS TO BE IN MY PLAY!
FIN
MAN: HELLO I AM A TIME TRAVELLER HERE TO WARN YOU THAT THIS CITY IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE AND YOU ALL DIE.
(LONG PAUSE.)
MAN: SERIOULSY, THIS ISN'T PART OF THE PLAY. YOU ARE ALL GOING TO DIE.
(LONG PAUSE.)
MAN: SERIOUSLY, IT SHOULD BE HAPPENING ABOUT NOW.
(LONG PAUSE.)
MAN: UNLESS...
(LONG PAUSE.)
MAN: WHAT IF JUST BY BEING HERE I HAVE SOMEHOW CHANGED HISTORY SO THAT THIS CITY DOES NO EXPLODE? WHAT IF MY MERE PRESENCE HAS SAVED YOU ALL?
(LONG PAUSE.)
MAN: I AM LIKE CHRIST TO YOU PEOPLE!
(HE WHIPS OUT HIS DICK AND STARTS MASTURBATING.)
MAN: I FUCKING LOVE TO WANK, WATCH MY CUM LIKE CHRIST!
(ANOTHER MAN RUNS ONTO THE STAGE.)
ANOTHER MAN: THIS ISN'T PART OF THE SHOW! HE TIED ME UP BACKSTAGE AND RAN ON HERE TO WANK!
MAN: HAHAHAHA, WANK WANK WANK!
ANOTHER MAN: I HAVE TO STOP YOU!
(HE WHIPS OUT HIS OWN DICK.)
ANOTHER MAN: I'LL COUNTER YOUR WANKING WITH MY OWN!
MAN: BUT THEN THE CITY WILL EXPLODE!
ANOTHER MAN: THAT'S NOT VERY SCIENTIFIC!
MAN: I CAN FEEL IT, IF OUR ORGASM ARE IN OPPOSITION IT WILL DESTROY THE CITY! OH MY GOD! IT'S A PRE-DESTINATION PARADOX! BY TRAVELLING BACK IN TIME AND MASTURBATING HERE LIKE I'M CHRIST, I HAVE ACTUALLY CREATED THE CONDITIONS THAT BLOW UP THE CITY!
ANOTHER MAN: HOW CAN WE STOP THIS!?
MAN: MAYBE...MAYBE IF WE RUB OUR COCKS UP AGAINST EACH OTHER...
ANOTHER MAN: WHAT, LIKE THIS...
(THEN START TO RUB COCKS.)
MAN: YEAH, FUCK YEAH, THAT FEELS GOOOOOOD!
ANOTHER MAN: HERE'S TO SAVING THE CITY!
(BUT THEN A THIRD MAN RUNS ON WITH A GUN AND SHOOTS THEM BOTH DEAD.)
THIRD MAN: THEY WERNE'T PART OF THE SHOW! BUT NEITHER AM I! DIE, SCUM!
(HE STARTS SHOOTING AT THE AUDIENCE.)
THIRD MAN: WAIT A MINUTE, THIS ISN'T A REAL GUN!
(THE FIRST TWO MEN JUMP UP THE PULL HIS TROUSERS DOWN.)
MAN: HA! WE KNEW WHAT YOU WERE PLANNING AS WE SWAPPED THE GUNS! AND NOW TO SAVE THE WORLD BY RUBBING ALL THREE COCKS TOGETHER!
ANOTHER MAN: HOW DOES THAT WORK, EXACTLY?
MAN: WHO CARES!
THIRD MAN: I'LL NEVER JOIN YOU...BECAUSE...I'M ACTUALLY A WOMAN!
(HE SHOWS HIS GENITALS TO THE AUDIENCE. IT'S A WOMAN!)
MAN: OH NO, YOU JUST KILLED US ALL!
ANOTHER MAN: AIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
(THEY ALL FALL OVER AND THERE'S SOME SMOKE TO INDICATE THAT THE CITY HAS EXPLODED. A FOURTH MAN WALKS ONTO STAGE.)
FOURTH MAN: THAT'S THE LAST TIME I HIRE MENTAL PATIENTS TO BE IN MY PLAY!
FIN
