So what was the big X-Factor drama today?

[CaptainWacky]

Since I'm never going to watch it but need to know for when people are talking about it (on the internet.)

 

[Fuddlemiff]

Well, someone got on the stage during Jedward's performance with a giant pineapple, but other than that (which really did actually happen), there won't be much drama til tomorrow's live results.

 

[CaptainWacky]

Pineapples, got it. "Did you see the pineapple, that was some crazy stuff!"

 

[Fuddlemiff]

Dressed in tight silver suits, the unstoppable twins performed Queen's Under Pressure, mashed up with Vanilla Ice's, Ice Ice Baby.

But John and Edward rapping wasn't the most amazing thing about the show tonight.

It was pop star and music producer Calvin Harris ,who had a recent hit with Ready For The Weekend and collaborated with Dizzee Rascal on the No 1 smash Dance Wiv Me, invading the stage during their performance that was the most surprising thing that happened.

In an X Factor first, Calvin legged it across the front of the stage wearing a pineapple on his head, before being bundled off by security on the other side.

What is he like, eh?

 

[CaptainWacky]

It's like a modern day Jarvis Cock protesting against Michael Jackson story!

 

[Fuddlemiff]

I like how they point out it was an X-Factor first, in case anyone unfamiliar with the show might wonder if it was a weekly occurrence.

 

[Gagh]

I can't believe BILLY was voted off, and was put in the Vote-off with JOHN-BOY MCDUFF. When will ARTICFICIAL JEDWARD UNIT 1 and ARTIFICIAL JEDWARD UNIT 2 be blasted to space by the Acid Tongued Pineapple Pixies of Skegness? I demand a recount (recunt?).

I briefly flicked over before Top Gear started. Danii Minogue appears to be having a tit-off with Cheryl Cole, but alas both had overdone it and looked like background hookers in a John Waters / Divine movie.

 

[Fuddlemiff]

I think the Acid Tongued Pineapple Pixies of Skegness were one of the wonders of the universe Dr Who listed.

 

[Gagh]

Captain Jack probably had buttsex with them, or something. He's like that. He's like the Shatner of the Who universe - not happy unless he's inserting his penis in some sort of alien lifeform.

 

[headvoid]

Calvin is my hero.

 

[CaptainWacky]

So were Jedward shot yet?

I actually turned over for a few minutes today and it just HAPPENEd to be when SHakira was on, which was pretty good timing (she's hot.)

 

[FBI parte due]

I'm kind of disturbed by the fact that I unironically like Calvin Harris. That's not how celebrities are supposed to work.

 

[CaptainWacky]

It'll turn out he's the product of a LEFTIST THINK TANK or something, don't worry.

 

[Fuddlemiff]

I find him annoying (especially his weird dancing while playing the keyboard), but quite like his music.

Jedward have survived for another week. And I'm so sad I actually punched the air when that happened. They're the most entertaining ones left.

 

[Fuddlemiff]

Stupid crappy voiced Welsh Thunderbird puppet Loyd got a new haircut which, despite making him look disturbingly like George Bush, will probably get him through to next week's show even though Jedward are way better.

 

[CaptainWacky]

AMAZING NEWS, THANSK.

 

[CaptainWacky]

So Jedward died then?

 

[headvoid]

Danii Minogue painted a target on her chest by questionning Simon Cowell and "if this was a singing competition". If she wasn't required for the remainder of the series then Simon's team would have taken her out the back and dealt with her in a humane manner.

Cheryl for once didn't look like some sort of cake decoration

Louis looks more and more like my elderly Uncle Michael pissed at a wedding and singing along to Wham. I expect him any minute to do a little turn on the stage.

Simon "doing sincere" really makes me laugh.

The contestants are a sideshow.

 

[CaptainWacky]

I used all those lines at work and now I'm getting a promotion for knowing so much about X-Factor!

(I don't have a job, this was all in my head.)

 

[Fuddlemiff]

Danni's attempt to start an intelligent debate about the nature of tv talent contests when there were 30 seconds left til the end of the show naturally failed miserably. She looked like she'd had an acid trip and needed to be reminded where she was.

Should've gone to deadlock, too. So what if Olly can sing? He's like Joss Whedon's long-lost helium chugging Essex-boy cousin. Listen to Louis! The twins are ent-ert-ain-ing! They're FARN! DATS WHAT DISHOWS ARLLLL ABOUT!!