SPAMCAPITAL OMEGA: THE REMAKE OF THE REMAKE OF THE SPAM

[The Dork Lord]

"Christmas a humbug, uncle!" said Scrooge's
nephew. "You don't mean that, I am sure?"

 

[The Dork Lord]

"I do," said Scrooge. "Merry Christmas! What
right have you to be merry? What reason have you
to be merry? You're poor enough."

 

[The Dork Lord]

"Come, then," returned the nephew gaily. "What
right have you to be dismal? What reason have you
to be morose? You're rich enough."

 

[The Dork Lord]

Scrooge having no better answer ready on the spur
of the moment, said, "Bah!" again; and followed it up
with "Humbug."

 

[The Dork Lord]

"Don't be cross, uncle!" said the nephew.

 

[The Dork Lord]

"What else can I be," returned the uncle, "when I
live in such a world of fools as this? Merry Christmas!
Out upon merry Christmas! What's Christmas
time to you but a time for paying bills without
money; a time for finding yourself a year older, but
not an hour richer; a time for balancing your books
and having every item in 'em through a round dozen
of months presented dead against you? If I could
work my will," said Scrooge indignantly, "every idiot
who goes about with 'Merry Christmas' on his lips,
should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried
with a stake of holly through his heart. He should!"

 

[The Dork Lord]

"Uncle!" pleaded the nephew.

 

[The Dork Lord]

"Nephew!" returned the uncle sternly, "keep Christmas
in your own way, and let me keep it in mine."

 

[The Dork Lord]

"Keep it!" repeated Scrooge's nephew. "But you
don't keep it."

 

[The Dork Lord]

"Let me leave it alone, then," said Scrooge. "Much
good may it do you! Much good it has ever done
you!"

 

[The Dork Lord]

"There are many things from which I might have
derived good, by which I have not profited, I dare
say," returned the nephew. "Christmas among the
rest. But I am sure I have always thought of Christmas
time, when it has come round--apart from the
veneration due to its sacred name and origin, if anything
belonging to it can be apart from that--as a
good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant
time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar
of the year, when men and women seem by one consent
to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think
of people below them as if they really were
fellow-passengers to the grave, and not another race
of creatures bound on other journeys. And therefore,
uncle, though it has never put a scrap of gold or
silver in my pocket, I believe that it has done me
good, and will do me good; and I say, God bless it!"

 

[The Dork Lord]

The clerk in the Tank involuntarily applauded.
Becoming immediately sensible of the impropriety,
he poked the fire, and extinguished the last frail spark
for ever.

 

[The Dork Lord]

"Let me hear another sound from you," said
Scrooge, "and you'll keep your Christmas by losing
your situation! You're quite a powerful speaker,
sir," he added, turning to his nephew. "I wonder you
don't go into Parliament."

 

[The Dork Lord]

"Don't be angry, uncle. Come! Dine with us to-morrow."

 

[The Dork Lord]

Scrooge said that he would see him--yes, indeed he
did. He went the whole length of the expression,
and said that he would see him in that extremity first.

 

[The Dork Lord]

"But why?" cried Scrooge's nephew. "Why?"

 

[The Dork Lord]

"Why did you get married?" said Scrooge.

 

[The Dork Lord]

"Because I fell in love."

 

[The Dork Lord]

"Because you fell in love!" growled Scrooge, as if
that were the only one thing in the world more ridiculous
than a merry Christmas. "Good afternoon!"

 

[The Dork Lord]

"Nay, uncle, but you never came to see me before
that happened. Why give it as a reason for not
coming now?"