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Star Trek 11: final script

(In class. Kirk is sitting next to a young GARY MITCHELL.)

Mitchell: You think you're so smart, but you don't have the HUMAN TOUCH, Kirk.

Kirk: There's some humans in here I'd like to touch...

(He looks over at a YOUNG UHURA AND NURSE CHAPEL and winks.)

Nero: Hey! Stop looking at those two hotties and come up here to the front and help me demonstrate safe phase usage.

Kirk: Umm, sure.

Mitchell: Oooh, busted!

Kirk: So, what do you want me to do?

Nero: Oh, mister smartarse doesn't know what to do!

Kirk: Hey, quit riding me!

Nero: You'll never make it in Starfleet if you keep whining like a girl! GIRL'S HAVE NO PLACE IN STARFLEET!

Uhura and Chapel: Hey!

Nero: Shut up! Now, I'm going to SHOOT YOU with that phaser set on stun to show the class what it's like. Hand me the phaser.

Kirk: Uh, this phaser?

Nero: Yes, that's right, THAT phaser. That specific phaser. HAND ME IT, DOG.

Kirk: Maybe I'll do THIS instead!

(Kirk juggles with the phaser. The other students laugh.)

Nero: Quit foolin' around and hand me that DANG BLASTED phaser so I can shoot you!

Uhura: He's so much cooler than I first thought...

Kirk: How about instead I shoot your cool bandana off?

Nero: What? NO, NO!!!

(Kirk SHOOTS the bandana with the phaser and it VAPOURISES revealing Nero's ROMULAN EARS!)

Kirk: Huh? But I thought it was set on stun? Hey, if you had shot me with that, I would have died!

(Nero looks around.)

Nero: Err...

Kirk: And why are you ashamed of being a Vulcan? Vulcan chicks are hot!

Nero: I...DIE!

(Nero pulls out a BIG CURVED KLINGON KNIFE and rushes at Kirk.)

Mitchell: We have to help him!

(He's talking to SULU, CHEKOV and MCCOY who are all in the same class for some reason.)

Sulu: I agree.

Chekov: Me too!

McCoy: I'm a Doctor, not a helper! But I agree too!

Mitchell: Well stop talking and help then!

Sulu: Oh, right.

(They all JUMP UP to help Kirk but Nero KICKS them all down with Romulan kung-fu! Kirk then jumped at Nero with a karate kick, but Nero catches his boot in mid-air and swings him around over his head before throwing him into Uhura and Chapel.)

Nero: Ha! The legendary James Kirk's legandary combat skills AREN'T so legendary as the legands would have us believe! Pfft, legends!

(He lunges at Kirk...right as a time portal opens. OLD SPOCK steps out but the knife PLUNGES into his chest!)

Spock: SHIIIIT!

Nero: Bah, I'm not losing this time!

(Nero grabs Kirk and hops into the time portal with him and they vanish!)

McCoy: My God, where did they go?

Spock: Not where, Doctor. WHEN.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
I hope Vulcans don't keep their hearts in their chests.. i can't remember.
 
They have them about where we keep our liver (and I'm pretty sure they only have one heart anyway).
 
Klingons have back-ups of every organ.
 
From the actual movie

Scotty explains that his experimental beaming worked on fruit but he said "didn’t turn out so well for Admiral Archer’s beagle"
Click to expand...
 
(Kirk and Nero hop out of the time portal into FUTURE SAN FRANSISCO which is all metal.)

Kirk: Where are we!?

Nero: The question is WHEN are we.

Kirk: Yes, yes, WHEN and where are we?

Nero: We're still in your Starfleet Academy, but...

Kirk: My God, it's all metal!

Nero: Yes, this is strange, it isn't even like this in my time. We must be far in the future...anyway, now I'll kill you.

Kirk: Bastard!

(Nero pulls a SWORD out of his trousers and swings it at Kirk.)

Nero: Die! Hang on, what's that!?

(In the distance there are people walking slowly towards them...strange people.)

Kirk: Yay! The human race lives...hang on, why are they metal? Why are they...cybermen?

(It's the Borg!)

Borg: WE ARE THE BORG. YOU ARE IN THE FUTURE. THE FUTURE IS OURS. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED TO THE MAX. RESISTENCE IS FUTILE. LIKE LIFE. YOUR LIVES.

Kirk: Those robot borg men will kill us both!

Nero: Then I die with honour, for the empire! It is obviousy what has happened, the timeline has already changed! I must kill you here so you never grow up to be the greatest captain of all time and the Borg assimilate the shit out of the human race! I WIN!

Kirk: Wait a minute, some of them robot men have pointy ears...

Nero: Bah, they're probably Vulcans.

ROMULAN BORG: No, we're Romulans.

Nero: NOOOO!

Kirk: We have to team up to defeat them together. Then, in the past, form a new alliance of humans and Romulans to stop these borg from ever borging us!

Nero: Okay.

(Kirk and Nero SHAKE HANDS and jump around the metal compus, far more agile than the Borg. Kirk knocks one over with a karate kick. Nero snaps another's neck.)

Nero: Your neck snapped like a baby's.

Kirk: ...

(Kirk and Nero defeat the remaining four Borg by punching them and stuff.)

Nero: It is done!

Kirk: Lucky there was only six of them!

Nero: More will showu p.

Kirk: Then let us go back in time, my friend. We'll alart the federation and the romulans about this mechanical menace.

Nero: Yeah...or...

(Nero stabs Kirk in the kidney!)

Nero: I could leave you here, buried alive under borg, while I go back to the past and violate your womenfolk!

(Nero hops into the time portal leaving Kirk for dead.)

Kirk: NEROOOOOO!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Nice use of "buried alive"

Followed by his name shouted out loud.
 
(Back in the past. OLD SPOCK is bleeding to death.)

Finnegan: Eww, his blood is GREEN!

Uhura: You're Irish, I thought you'd like that!

Finnegan: Actually I just pretend to be Irish to impress girls.

Chapel: But I slept with you because I thought you were Irish!

Finnegan: Something to tell our grandchildren!

Old Spock: I'm bleeding out here...

(YOUNG SPOCK comes running in. He's a SENIOR CADET or something.)

Young Spock: Can I help?

Old Spock: Get rid of him! If he sees me, all of space time will IMPLODE!

Chekov: But how?

Chapel: I'll take care of this...

(Chapel slithers up to young Spock.)

Chapel: That was just me yelling with, umm, SEXUAL PLEASURE. Want to hear it again, sexy point-eared boy?

Spock: Well today IS my Pon Farr, so I better.

(They walk off together.)

Finnegan: What a slut!

(Suddenly Spock's wound HEALS ITSELF.)

Sulu: Oh my!

McCoy: Dam it I'm a Doctor and I've never seen anything like that!

Spock: It was nano bots. FROM THE FUTURE.

McCoy: I don't believe you!

Spock: And now I must go BACK to the future to rescue Kirk since I've just worked out that's where Nero has probably took him.

Mitchell: Great, I'll come too.

Finnegan: Yeah, we're Jim's true friends!

Spock: No. Only McCoy, Uhura, Chekov and Sulu can come...

(SCOTTY comes running in playing the bag pipes for some reason.)

Scotty: Jings, I'm late for class!

Spock: ...and Scotty.

Mitchell: But he's fat!

Spock: It will make sense in the future. NOW QUICK, COME WITH ME IF YOU WANt JIM TO LIVE.

(Old Spock activates his time portal and hops in. Uhura, McCoy, Sulu, Chekov and Scotty follow.)

Scotty: I dinnae even know what this is aboot!

(The portal opens again and they hop out...in San Fransisco again...IN 1985!)

Uhura: This isn't right. We're in the dark ages!

McCoy: Even worse, we're in the eighties!

Old Spock: Damn it, not again...

(A bus stops in front of them and the PUNK from Star Trek 4 jumps out with a giant ghetto blaster.)

Punk: I've been waiting a long time for THIS!

TO BE PROBABLY CONTINUED
 
lol.. the 80's weren't that bad! Well, they were pretty bad.
 
This thread to be the next to get massive amounts of hits from nerds seeking pleasure through Google?
 
(Back in the future. Kirk is buried under Borg.)

Kirk: My...kidney...hurts...is this it...for me...for James Kirk...my short life...over...in the future?

(He tries to stand up.)

Kirk: I'm at least going to die on my feet...like a man! Hang on, what's this?

(He pulls a DEVICE out of a dead Borg.)

Kirk: A time travel device! Every Borg drone has a personal time travel device?

Dying Borg: Yes that's right.

(The Borg dies.)

Kirk: I'll go back to the past...undo the damage to the timelines...and get my damn kidney patched up!

(Kirk punches some data into the time device and a TIME PORTAL opens just as more borg appear.)

Borg: KILL HIM, KILL THE PAST MAN.

Kirk: See ya, losers!

(Kirk hops into the time portal. AS SOON AS HE DOES a temporal wave of energy washes over the Borg turning them to...Romulans!?)

Romulan: Haha, our home planet of Earth is a great place. And having human slaves makes it all the better!

(The Romulan kicks a human slave.)

Slave: If only the past had been different!

(Kirk hopes out of the time portal on a STARSHIP park on Earth!)

Kirk: I'm in a starship! But this looks like future technology too...damn it. Well, I hope they have a doctor, my kidney hurts so bad...

(He stumbles into SICKBAY which is right next to him, conveniently. It is empty.)

Kirk: Damn it...need...doctor...for kidney...

(A holographs DOCTOR PHLOX appears.)

Phlox: Please state the nature of your kidney's medical emergency!

Kirk: You're that legendary Doctor Phlox...he was on the Enterprise a hundred years ago!

Phlox: TWO hundred actually!

Kirk: But that makes this...

Voice: The 24th century.

(Kirk spins round. There is a BALD MAN standing in the doorway.)

Kirk: Who are you?

(He steps in. IT'S PICARD!)

Picard: I am Jean-Luc Picard, captain of the Romulan Warbird Enterprise...and you will kneel before me, HUMAN THRALL!

(He whips Kirk in the kidney with a STURDY HOLO WHIP!)

Kirk: GAH!!!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Picard is whipping Kirk some more.)

Picard: OH YEAH, watch that flesh fly, I'm taking big chunks out of it, GOD IT FEELS SO GOOD.

Kirk: Why are you - OUCH - doing this to a - AAH FUCK THE PAIN - fellow human?

Picard: Humans are nothing. Romulans are where it's at.

Kirk: Romulans are lame! We kicked their ass in the first war in the 22n century!

Picard: Yeah but they kicked OUR asses in the second war in the 23rd century!

Kirk: The 23rd century...it must have been after I was brought into the future by Nero...

Picard: You dare speak the name of Nero the Great?

Kirk: You know him?

Picard: Know him? Ha, this is his Warbird, he's on board right now, probably having sex with his wife Deanna!

Kirk: Then let's go kick his ass!

Picard: He's 202 years old, you sicko!

Kirk: I don't care, he's evil. The human race could be free without him. Why have you never tried to overthrow him, you bald coward?

Picard: I...I...

VOICE: Stop confusing him, James.

(AN AGED NERO is standing in the door with Deanna Troi.)

Troi: I'm sensing great anger.

Nero: Well duh! I left this tribblefucker buried under Borg in the far future!

Kirk: Nero...but you're old!

Nero: I've been ruled for 130 years, you dolt! I went back to the very day I left and conquered the Federation! Without you there it was easy!

Kirk: And why do these humans follow you!?

Deanna: He is a great man! And the mind control.

Kirk: The what? Oh, I don't care, I'm going to kill you!

(Kirk jumps at Nero with a flying karate kick, bit Nero raises a hand and Kirk stops, suspended in mid-air, then falls onto his ass!)

Nero: Ha! Did you forget that we Romulans are offshots of Vulcans and therefore have PSYCHIC POWERS?

Kirk: Yes!

Nero: Well now you know!

Kirk: So that's what this big titted old bint meant, you're mind controlling the entire human race!

Nero: I found the POWER STONES OF REMUS when I went back in time, it was easy! But by this point, they'd follow me even without my mind control! OBSERVE!

(Nero BLINKS and Picard holds his head.)

Picard: What...what happened...

Nero: I have removed the mind control from that human, but watch as he follows my orders regardless and WHIPS THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!

Kirk: Baldy, don't, this is your chance!

Picard: I'm sorry...MASTER!

(He lashes out with the whip, lashing it around Nero's neck!

Troi: NOOOO!

(Troi bitch slaps Picard. Kirk taps her on the shoulder.)

Troi: WHAT?

(Kirk punches her out.)

Picard: Good shot!

Kirk: Now snap his neck.

Nero: You'll pay...I've just sent a message to my past self telling him to change plans...YOU'LL PAY!

(Picard pulls on the whip, snapping Nero's neck.)

Kirk: Then I have to go to the past and kill Nero before he can do all this shit.

Picard: But will I then cease to be?

Kirk: Probably not, I'm sure you'll be born somehow despite massive changes to the timeline.

Picard: Oh, okay. THEN GO, BEFORE THE STORMTROOPERS GET HERE.

(The stormtroopers rush in.)

Kirk: Too late!

(SUDDENLY the time portal opens again and Old Spock, McCoy, Soctty, Chekov, Sulu and Uhura jump out, all wearing EIGHTIES T-SHIRTS with Ghostbusters and Back to the Future references and stuff.)

Spock: I'm back. Back to the future.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Great Scott!
 
(The time portal opens again back in the academy in the 23rd century. Old Spock, Kirk and the rest get out.)

Old Spock: Now all we have to do is stop Nero in the past so that the future we just witnessed never comes to pass.

Kirk: Okay.

Scotty: Aye, it'll be a tall order for sure but we're up for the challenge!

Kirk: Yeah.

Old Spock: Jim, are you okay?

Kirk: It's just that I've travelled to two alternative futures and both were horrible. What if there's nothing we can do? What if it's destiny for the future to be a living hell?

Old Spock: Jim I lived in a wonderful future with no money or war apart from the Dominion War of course, where humanity worked to better themselves spiritually and emotionally. WE CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN.

Kirk: You know, you don't grow up to be so bad...

Old Spock: And I see much of my oldest friend in you.

(SUDDENLY regular age Spock walks in!)

Old Spock: Shit, no!

(Old Spock DISAPPEARS!)

Kirk: What the frack?

Uhura: Oh no, he told us that if he ever saw his past self and his past self saw him then he'd be erased from the timeline!

Sulu: Oh my!

Spock: Who was that disappearing old coot!?

Kirk: Damn it man, that was YOU.

Spock: Illogical lies.

Kirk: LISTEN TO ME YOU VULCAN IDIOT! We have to stop Nero!

Spock: You mean Nero the benevolent leader of the Romulan Empire?

Kirk: What!?

Spock: Where have you been? Ten years ago a charismatic stranger named Nero appeared on Romulus and became their new leader. They have lived in peace with the rest of the galaxy since then.

McCoy: Damn! He went back ten years further than us to get a foothold!

Kirk: And without the time device we can't go back and stop him!

Chekov: We must go to Romulus and kill him!

Spock: What the hell!? I'll report you all!

Kirk: Damn it man, there's no time! We need a ship!

Spock: Well, the Enterprise is landed just over there...

Kirk: On the planet's surface?! Nero really has fracked up the timeline! We must steal it!

Spock: I CANNOT ALLOW YOU TO DO THAT.

Kirk: If you want to stop me...you're going to have to FIGHT me!

(The FIGHT SONG plays as they start circling each other.)

Spock: Prepare to feel the human emotion known as PAIN!

(He jumps at Kirk with a flying kick...just as Pike (Tom Cruise) walks in!)

Pike: What the deuce? I need a crew for the Enterprise, mine al came down with Cardassian flu!

(Kirk smiles.)

TO BE CONTINUED
 
thats should have said freaking sweet BTW
 
Kirk: Me and my friends will be your rag tag crew!

Pike: Well, okay...

Spock: Christopher, I'd advice against this! They are not to be trusted!

Pike: You're not Vulcan we took to Talos V, aren't you? I never wanted you on my crew. I don't like your type, not after what they did eight years ago to the tribbles.

Spock: The Vulcan high command were not responsible for killing those tribbles, it was the romulans!

Pike: Oh sure, the Romulans! As if! Nero is a good man, he'd never order something so evil. Pah, stupid Vulcan hypocrites.

(Kirk whispers to McCoy.)

Kirk: Looks like Nero's changed the timeline so that humans hate Vulcans!

McCoy: Didn't take Nero changing the timeline for ME to hate them pointy-eared devils!

Pike: So are punk kids coming or not?

Chekov: Sign me up!

Uhurua: I'm in.

Sulu: Oh my!

Scotty: Aye!

Kirk: On one condition...you let Spock be a part of the crew.

Pike: Hmmph. Okay. Hurry up, we have to take off!

(They all run to the Enterprise. Spock stops Kirk along the way.)

Spock: I don't need any help getting ahead from you, human.

Kirk: You should be grateful I'm looking out for you, hobgoblin.

Spock: GRRR.

Kirk: I thought you Vulcanians could control your emotions/

Spock: Not when we're REALLY pissed off...

(He goes to karate chop Kirk again but McCoy stops him.)

McCoy: You two can't be fighting amongst yourselves, we have to stop Nero!

Kirk: But how can we trick Pike into taking the Enterprise to Romulus?

(They are all beamed on board, directly to their stations to save time. Kirk looks around the bridge.)

Kirk: Now I know how my father felt, serving on a starship bridge.

Pike: He was a good man.

Kirk: Err, he's still alive.

Pike: Yeah, but he's not a good man anymore. Not after he betrayed the Federation to the Gorn.

Kirk: WHAT!? The timeline needs fixing, NOW!

Pike: What are you talking about?

Kirk: No time!

(He punches out Pike.)

Kirk: Mister Sulu, take this ship to ROMULUS!

Sulu: Aye...ouch!

(Spock has chopped Sulu.)

Spock: I'm taking command.

Kirk: Over my dead body.

Spock: That's the general idea...

(Spock rips his face off. It's a mask!)

Kirk: My God...no!

(It's George Kirk!)

George: That's right, son. I've been working with Nero all along.

Kirk: DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
I love that Sulu just talks like George Takei all the time. :)
 
yes!
 
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