CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Of course this latest revealation opens up a plot hole...
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Star Trek 11: final script
- Thread starter CaptainWacky
- Start date
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
George: Just calm down, son. I'm turning this ship around.
Kirk: No you're not! We're going to Romulus and you're not my father!
George: We're not going to Romulus and I AM your father! Nero is a great man, all he wants is peace.
Kirk: He killed my mother, your wife!
George: In his question for peace! The needs of the many outweight the needs of the mum, son.
Kirk: This can't be happening!
George: Do you want to know how Nero got me on his side?
(Kirk spots that Sulu is slowly crawling towards his phaser.)
Kirk: Umm, sure.
George: He came to me, a few years after the Kelvin was destroyed and he showed me the future, James...a future with you in it. It was not a pretty sight. You bastard.
Kirk: What?! How can you of all people call me a bastard?
George: I SAW WHAT YOU BECOME! Renamed the Enterprise the ISS Enterprise, a crew of pirates, Uhura over their gussied up like a tart, Sulu always trying to rape her and you, evil evil you, in command! Even Spock was evil, he had a beard!
Kirk: Spock...what did you do to him?
George: I beat him around the legs and body with a baseball bat, but I never touched the face. I'm not a monster! And I needed his face intact to PEEL IT OFF AND WEAR IT.
Kirk: What!?
George: Ha, only joking, it was rubber. Unlike you I don't kill men and peel their faces off! That's right, I saw you, in the future, put a man in your agony booth then peel his face off and EAT IT right in front of him, you son of a bitch, how..AAAH!
(Sulu shoots at him but the phaser blast just bounces off.)
Kirk: What?!
George: BREEN TECHNOLOGY, captain! That's why I had to pretend to betray the Federation to them, I was on a mission for Nero! There's no stopping me, Jim! I should have shot your mother between the legs while you were still in the womb...
(Suddenly OLD SPOCK appears jumping out of a time portal, landing on George's head.)
Old Spock: Thank you for breaking my fall...sorry if I broke your neck.
Kirk: You!
Old Spock: There's no time for emotional human reunions, we have to get to Romulus.
Kirk: MISTER SULU...
Sulu: Already on my way, captain!
(Sulu plots a course and they go to warp.)
Uhura: Umm, so about you raping me...
Sulu: It must have been lies...
(Sulu sneaks a looks at Chekov's bum as he walks by.)
Sulu: ...trust me.
Kirk: Old Spock, my father told me a lot of crazy things, about me being evil, you having a beard...
(Old Spock raises his eyebrow.)
Old Spock: I believe Nero showed him an alternative universe to get him on his side, a timeline where we are all evil. I have been there. It did not start with you. It started when Zephran Cochrane shot my grandfather in Montana.
Kirk: I see. If only my father had known.
Old Spock: He's a bit of an idiot, let's face it.
Kirk: Say, how come you disappeared when he was dressed as Spock?
Old Spock: The Time Police beamed me out when they thought I'd come face to face with my younger self, but as soon as the truth was revealed they sent me back.
Kirk: Oh, that ties up that loose end then.
Old Spock: Indeed.
Chekov: Captain, we're here...ROMULUS.
Kirk: ON SCREEN.
(Romulus appears on screen. It's has lots of flowers planted on its surface now.)
Kirk: MY GOD. What has Nero done?
Uhura: He's made a garden...a beautiful garden.
(Uhura pulls out a phased and points it at Kirk.)
Uhura: And I won't let you tear it down!
Kirk: Not again!
TO BE CONTINUED
Kirk: No you're not! We're going to Romulus and you're not my father!
George: We're not going to Romulus and I AM your father! Nero is a great man, all he wants is peace.
Kirk: He killed my mother, your wife!
George: In his question for peace! The needs of the many outweight the needs of the mum, son.
Kirk: This can't be happening!
George: Do you want to know how Nero got me on his side?
(Kirk spots that Sulu is slowly crawling towards his phaser.)
Kirk: Umm, sure.
George: He came to me, a few years after the Kelvin was destroyed and he showed me the future, James...a future with you in it. It was not a pretty sight. You bastard.
Kirk: What?! How can you of all people call me a bastard?
George: I SAW WHAT YOU BECOME! Renamed the Enterprise the ISS Enterprise, a crew of pirates, Uhura over their gussied up like a tart, Sulu always trying to rape her and you, evil evil you, in command! Even Spock was evil, he had a beard!
Kirk: Spock...what did you do to him?
George: I beat him around the legs and body with a baseball bat, but I never touched the face. I'm not a monster! And I needed his face intact to PEEL IT OFF AND WEAR IT.
Kirk: What!?
George: Ha, only joking, it was rubber. Unlike you I don't kill men and peel their faces off! That's right, I saw you, in the future, put a man in your agony booth then peel his face off and EAT IT right in front of him, you son of a bitch, how..AAAH!
(Sulu shoots at him but the phaser blast just bounces off.)
Kirk: What?!
George: BREEN TECHNOLOGY, captain! That's why I had to pretend to betray the Federation to them, I was on a mission for Nero! There's no stopping me, Jim! I should have shot your mother between the legs while you were still in the womb...
(Suddenly OLD SPOCK appears jumping out of a time portal, landing on George's head.)
Old Spock: Thank you for breaking my fall...sorry if I broke your neck.
Kirk: You!
Old Spock: There's no time for emotional human reunions, we have to get to Romulus.
Kirk: MISTER SULU...
Sulu: Already on my way, captain!
(Sulu plots a course and they go to warp.)
Uhura: Umm, so about you raping me...
Sulu: It must have been lies...
(Sulu sneaks a looks at Chekov's bum as he walks by.)
Sulu: ...trust me.
Kirk: Old Spock, my father told me a lot of crazy things, about me being evil, you having a beard...
(Old Spock raises his eyebrow.)
Old Spock: I believe Nero showed him an alternative universe to get him on his side, a timeline where we are all evil. I have been there. It did not start with you. It started when Zephran Cochrane shot my grandfather in Montana.
Kirk: I see. If only my father had known.
Old Spock: He's a bit of an idiot, let's face it.
Kirk: Say, how come you disappeared when he was dressed as Spock?
Old Spock: The Time Police beamed me out when they thought I'd come face to face with my younger self, but as soon as the truth was revealed they sent me back.
Kirk: Oh, that ties up that loose end then.
Old Spock: Indeed.
Chekov: Captain, we're here...ROMULUS.
Kirk: ON SCREEN.
(Romulus appears on screen. It's has lots of flowers planted on its surface now.)
Kirk: MY GOD. What has Nero done?
Uhura: He's made a garden...a beautiful garden.
(Uhura pulls out a phased and points it at Kirk.)
Uhura: And I won't let you tear it down!
Kirk: Not again!
TO BE CONTINUED
Fuddlemiff
Is this real life?
Spock never went to the mirror universe! He's lying!!
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(Uhura fires the phaser...hitting Pike right in the face!)
Kirk: HUH!?
Uhura: He was sneaking up behind you with a knife, I had to provide a distraction so I could shoot him.
Kirk: Good work...
(He walks over and kisses Uhura tenderly. She slaps him.)
Uhura: That doesn't mean I'm your property!
Old Spock: Uhura, what was that phase set to?
Uhura: Stun, of course, why?
Old Spock: You had it set to burn!
(Pike's face is HORRIBLY BURNED.)
Uhura: Oh no!
Kirk: When the timeline changed, the phaser settings must have changed too.
Uhura: Hold me, Jim.
(She falls into Kirk's arms. He strokes her hair. She slaps him.)
Uhura: I said hold me, don't stroke my hair!
Kirk: Riiiight...anyway, I suppose I should beam down...Mister Sulu, Old Spock, you're with me.
(They march into the transporter room where McCoy and Scotty are waiting.
McCoy: What's the plan, Jim?
Kirk: To kick Nero's ass all over Romulus.
McCoy: ...that's it? He'll probably have guards, you know.
Kirk: Well, we'll shoot the guards.
McCoy: We haven't brought phasers!
Kirk: Oh, right, Scotty, don't beam us down until we have phasers...
Scotty: It doesnae matter captain, we cannae beam down anyway, there's a MASSIVE SHIELD covering the entire planet.
Kirk: What!?
Sulu: It must be generate by a base on that small moon.
Old Spock: That's no moon. It's Remus.
Kirk: What the fuck is Remus!? Another change in the timeline?
Old Spock: No, it was always there, we just didn't mention it before because it's kind of lame...it's all dark and there's mines and stuff...but yeah, I think the shiled is being generated by a base there.
Kirk: Well, fucking beam us to Remus, Scotty!
Scotty: Aye!
(Scotty beams Kirk, Old Spock, McCoy and Sulu to Remus. JUST AS HE DOES, Spock runs in.)
Spock: Don't beam them to Remus!
Scotty: I thought you were Jim's dad in disguise?
Spock: No, I was locked up in his bathroom, but I heard his plans. It's a trap, a fucking trap!
Scotty: Why is everyone swearing so much?
(Kirk, McCoy, Old Spock and Sulu energise on Remus...and are surrounded by ROMULAN STORMTROOPERS.)
Kirk: Damn it!
(Nero steps out of the shadows. He's ten years older than when we first saw him, but younger than he was in the TNG era. CONFUSED?)
Nero: My plan worked.
Sulu: You mean you created that giant shield JUST to trick us into beaming down here?
Nero: Exactly.
Sulu: My GOD!
Kirk: Well let's settle this, Nero, one on one, like men.
Nero: I am no man.
(Nero shoots Kirk in the crotch with a phaser.)
McCoy: Damn it...it was set on burn!
TO BE CONTINUED
Kirk: HUH!?
Uhura: He was sneaking up behind you with a knife, I had to provide a distraction so I could shoot him.
Kirk: Good work...
(He walks over and kisses Uhura tenderly. She slaps him.)
Uhura: That doesn't mean I'm your property!
Old Spock: Uhura, what was that phase set to?
Uhura: Stun, of course, why?
Old Spock: You had it set to burn!
(Pike's face is HORRIBLY BURNED.)
Uhura: Oh no!
Kirk: When the timeline changed, the phaser settings must have changed too.
Uhura: Hold me, Jim.
(She falls into Kirk's arms. He strokes her hair. She slaps him.)
Uhura: I said hold me, don't stroke my hair!
Kirk: Riiiight...anyway, I suppose I should beam down...Mister Sulu, Old Spock, you're with me.
(They march into the transporter room where McCoy and Scotty are waiting.
McCoy: What's the plan, Jim?
Kirk: To kick Nero's ass all over Romulus.
McCoy: ...that's it? He'll probably have guards, you know.
Kirk: Well, we'll shoot the guards.
McCoy: We haven't brought phasers!
Kirk: Oh, right, Scotty, don't beam us down until we have phasers...
Scotty: It doesnae matter captain, we cannae beam down anyway, there's a MASSIVE SHIELD covering the entire planet.
Kirk: What!?
Sulu: It must be generate by a base on that small moon.
Old Spock: That's no moon. It's Remus.
Kirk: What the fuck is Remus!? Another change in the timeline?
Old Spock: No, it was always there, we just didn't mention it before because it's kind of lame...it's all dark and there's mines and stuff...but yeah, I think the shiled is being generated by a base there.
Kirk: Well, fucking beam us to Remus, Scotty!
Scotty: Aye!
(Scotty beams Kirk, Old Spock, McCoy and Sulu to Remus. JUST AS HE DOES, Spock runs in.)
Spock: Don't beam them to Remus!
Scotty: I thought you were Jim's dad in disguise?
Spock: No, I was locked up in his bathroom, but I heard his plans. It's a trap, a fucking trap!
Scotty: Why is everyone swearing so much?
(Kirk, McCoy, Old Spock and Sulu energise on Remus...and are surrounded by ROMULAN STORMTROOPERS.)
Kirk: Damn it!
(Nero steps out of the shadows. He's ten years older than when we first saw him, but younger than he was in the TNG era. CONFUSED?)
Nero: My plan worked.
Sulu: You mean you created that giant shield JUST to trick us into beaming down here?
Nero: Exactly.
Sulu: My GOD!
Kirk: Well let's settle this, Nero, one on one, like men.
Nero: I am no man.
(Nero shoots Kirk in the crotch with a phaser.)
McCoy: Damn it...it was set on burn!
TO BE CONTINUED
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Sulu: You coward! Have you no honour!?
(Sulu pulls out his SAMARIA SWORD.)
Nero: No.
(Nero shoots Sulu in the hands with his sword, burning them.)
Old Spock: You're so full of hate, Nero.
Nero: True, true.
Old Spock: All this because of what happened to your father in the future.
Nero: Don't bring that up!
Old Spock: Tomalak attacked a Federation starship, they had to fire back.
Nero: RRRR! I will burn Earth, Vulcan and all the other worlds which were represented by that ship! Maybe I can't erase Kirk from history, but turning Romulus into a beautiful garden and then burning the rest of the galaxy is a start.
Old Spock: Tomalak would be ashamed of you.
Nero: RRRGH!
(Nero shoots Old Spock in the ears.)
McCoy: My God!
Nero: HAHAHAHA...AAAAHAHAHAHA!
(Kirk taps him on the shoulder.)
Kirk: Excuse me, have you ever been punched in the face very hard by a human?
(Kirk punches Nero very hard in the face.)
McCoy: SHIT YEAH!
Nero: But how! I shot you in your crotch, your most prized area!
(Kirk pulls out a metal crotch guard from his crotch.)
Kirk: You forget, Spock is from the future. He told me that, in his timeline, I was unable to have children. So I wore a crotch guard.
Old Spock: Actually I had no idea about the phaser injury, I just told you that to stop you from shagging Uhura.
Kirk: It worked, I was scared she'd knife my balls!
Nero: You FUCKTARDS! The Galaxy was to be mine, if not for your crotch shield!
Sulu: Why didn't someone tell me to wear a hand shield!?
Old Spock: It's over, Nero.
Nero: Is it? IS IT?
(Nero pulls out a BUTTON and presses it.)
Kirk: What did you DO?
Nero: I just pressed the button which will make Remus EXPLODE.
Kirk: Scotty, beam us up!
Nero: DID I MENTION that TEN cloaked warbirds just attacked the Enterrpise!?
(Remus starts to shake.)
Nero: AHAHAHAHAHA....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA!
(Sulu pulls out his SAMARIA SWORD.)
Nero: No.
(Nero shoots Sulu in the hands with his sword, burning them.)
Old Spock: You're so full of hate, Nero.
Nero: True, true.
Old Spock: All this because of what happened to your father in the future.
Nero: Don't bring that up!
Old Spock: Tomalak attacked a Federation starship, they had to fire back.
Nero: RRRR! I will burn Earth, Vulcan and all the other worlds which were represented by that ship! Maybe I can't erase Kirk from history, but turning Romulus into a beautiful garden and then burning the rest of the galaxy is a start.
Old Spock: Tomalak would be ashamed of you.
Nero: RRRGH!
(Nero shoots Old Spock in the ears.)
McCoy: My God!
Nero: HAHAHAHA...AAAAHAHAHAHA!
(Kirk taps him on the shoulder.)
Kirk: Excuse me, have you ever been punched in the face very hard by a human?
(Kirk punches Nero very hard in the face.)
McCoy: SHIT YEAH!
Nero: But how! I shot you in your crotch, your most prized area!
(Kirk pulls out a metal crotch guard from his crotch.)
Kirk: You forget, Spock is from the future. He told me that, in his timeline, I was unable to have children. So I wore a crotch guard.
Old Spock: Actually I had no idea about the phaser injury, I just told you that to stop you from shagging Uhura.
Kirk: It worked, I was scared she'd knife my balls!
Nero: You FUCKTARDS! The Galaxy was to be mine, if not for your crotch shield!
Sulu: Why didn't someone tell me to wear a hand shield!?
Old Spock: It's over, Nero.
Nero: Is it? IS IT?
(Nero pulls out a BUTTON and presses it.)
Kirk: What did you DO?
Nero: I just pressed the button which will make Remus EXPLODE.
Kirk: Scotty, beam us up!
Nero: DID I MENTION that TEN cloaked warbirds just attacked the Enterrpise!?
(Remus starts to shake.)
Nero: AHAHAHAHAHA....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA!
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Old Spock: WHY? You'll die too!
Nero: This was never about me becoming the unquestioned ruler of the galaxy! Well, okay, it was partly about that. BUT MOSTLY it was about making the 24th century better for Romulans by KILLING Jim Kirk's ass!
Jim: You want me, you can have me, but let my friends live!
Sulu: Really? You really consider us friends? Aww, that's sweet!
Nero: Never! You will all burn! Remus will explode any minute now and...hang on, this isn't my button!
Voice: Looking for THIS?
(They all turn around to see YOUNG SPOCK standing there with the REAL detonator!)
Nero: But how!
Spock: I beamed down while you were shooting people in the crotch and swapped your buttons. It's over, Nero.
Old Spock: I'm proud of you.
Spock: I'm sure I will be too one day.
Kirk: Oh no, the two of you, talking to each other...THE UNIVERSE WILL IMPLODE!
Nero: Good! With the universe imploded it'll be safe for Romulans in the future!
Spock: Ah, but cap'n, you dinnae understand...I mind melded with Scotty before I came doon here...
Old Spock: You mean...
Spock: Aye! I'm more Scotty than Spock, you ken?
Nero: RRRRRRGH!
(Nero dives at Spock with a HIDDEN KNIFE but Old Spock jumps in the way. The knife PIERCES HIS HEART.)
Spock: Och, no!
(McCoy punches out Nero.)
McCoy: He might be an old Vulcan coot but that doesn't meant it's okay to kill him!
(Old Spock is dying.)
Old Spock: Grieve for me not...it is not logical. I am 200 years old...a decent life for any vulcan...I will live still...in you...as long as you remember me...live long...and prosper!
Spock: Ach!
Old Spock: And stop being scottish!
(Old Spock grabs Spock and mind melds with him.)
Spock: Hmm. I appear to know things I didn't before. Like Jim, about how you and I, and always shall be...friends.
Kirk: Umm, cool. One thing I don't get, how come the ground was shaking if it was the wrong button?
Nero(waking up): Oh, Remus has periodic Earth tremors.
Kirk: Works for me! Beam us up, Spocky!
Scotty(on communcator): That wouldna be logical at this time, cap'n, we're under attack from ten warbirds!
Nero: AHAHAHAHA...AAAAAAAHAHAHAHA!
Kirk: Oh, right, I forgot.
TO BE CONCLUDED
Nero: This was never about me becoming the unquestioned ruler of the galaxy! Well, okay, it was partly about that. BUT MOSTLY it was about making the 24th century better for Romulans by KILLING Jim Kirk's ass!
Jim: You want me, you can have me, but let my friends live!
Sulu: Really? You really consider us friends? Aww, that's sweet!
Nero: Never! You will all burn! Remus will explode any minute now and...hang on, this isn't my button!
Voice: Looking for THIS?
(They all turn around to see YOUNG SPOCK standing there with the REAL detonator!)
Nero: But how!
Spock: I beamed down while you were shooting people in the crotch and swapped your buttons. It's over, Nero.
Old Spock: I'm proud of you.
Spock: I'm sure I will be too one day.
Kirk: Oh no, the two of you, talking to each other...THE UNIVERSE WILL IMPLODE!
Nero: Good! With the universe imploded it'll be safe for Romulans in the future!
Spock: Ah, but cap'n, you dinnae understand...I mind melded with Scotty before I came doon here...
Old Spock: You mean...
Spock: Aye! I'm more Scotty than Spock, you ken?
Nero: RRRRRRGH!
(Nero dives at Spock with a HIDDEN KNIFE but Old Spock jumps in the way. The knife PIERCES HIS HEART.)
Spock: Och, no!
(McCoy punches out Nero.)
McCoy: He might be an old Vulcan coot but that doesn't meant it's okay to kill him!
(Old Spock is dying.)
Old Spock: Grieve for me not...it is not logical. I am 200 years old...a decent life for any vulcan...I will live still...in you...as long as you remember me...live long...and prosper!
Spock: Ach!
Old Spock: And stop being scottish!
(Old Spock grabs Spock and mind melds with him.)
Spock: Hmm. I appear to know things I didn't before. Like Jim, about how you and I, and always shall be...friends.
Kirk: Umm, cool. One thing I don't get, how come the ground was shaking if it was the wrong button?
Nero(waking up): Oh, Remus has periodic Earth tremors.
Kirk: Works for me! Beam us up, Spocky!
Scotty(on communcator): That wouldna be logical at this time, cap'n, we're under attack from ten warbirds!
Nero: AHAHAHAHA...AAAAAAAHAHAHAHA!
Kirk: Oh, right, I forgot.
TO BE CONCLUDED
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
I probalby should have concluded this.