CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(The 24th Century. Spock and his young apprentice Prabb (played by Walt from Lost) are deep underground in a cave somewhere. The buy is trying to balance some Vulcan stones or some shit.)
Spock: Concentrate.
Prabb: I can't!
Spock: The key to logic is concentration!
Prabb: It's hard!
Sporck: Lack of concentration is the road to illogic.
Prabb: AAAAAAAAARGH!
(The stones all tumble over.)
Spock: You have failed. If this were a combat situation you would be dead.
Prabb: Yeah, but it's not!
(Spock raises an eyebrow.)
Spock: Begin balancing the stones of Soval again.
Prabb: Tell me a story about the original Enteprise you inspire me! You guys went on a five year mission and kicked some ass!
Spock: Indeed. Two five year missions, in fact.
Prabb: MEGA COOL!
Spock: Perhaps a story of my exploits will help ground you.
Prabb: Yeah dude, hit me with it!
Spock: Very well. The story begins in the 23rd century...
Prabb: SHIT you're old!
Spock: Indeed. The story begins aboard the USS Enterprise when Captain Christopher Pike's command ended so he could work with DANGEROUS RADIATION and he handed comman over to Captain James Kirk, who I met for the first time that day. Pike was asked to make a speech before handing over command and things did not go exactly according to plan...
(SCENE: The Enterprise in a huge hall that was NEVER seen in the original series or the movies. Like, never. Pike (Tom Cruise) is standing on stage making a SPEECH.)
Pike: My fellow officers and to a lesser extent, non-comms. Gentlemen, and to a lesser but sexier extent, ladies. Thank you all for joining me today for this, the last time I will step foot aboard this ship as captain. As soon as this speech ends the captaincy will automatically pass to Kirk and my orders won't be worth shit. Although some would say that that's true already! Haha! Well, this is a great ship. I had some good times on her...mostly in the beds of my female subordinates! Haha! No, but seriously, this shit's all about exploration, alright? Kirk, wherever you go...make sure to go boldly! Ah hell, I can't do this shit no more. James, you are a fine young officer and I pity you, I really do. You are nothing but a pawn of the CORRUPT starfleet command! No, I will not shut up! Don't try and cut my microphone, I brought a spare! Kirk, one piece of advice, don't let the bastards win! DON'T LET THEM WIN! THERE'S A CONSPIRACY KIRK, A FUCKDAMN CONSPIRACY...WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT I WILL REVEAL IT TO YOU, ONE BEEP FOR YES, TWO FOR NO, REMEMBER THESE WORDS...REMEMBER...
Admiral Dubious(played by John Malkovitch): That's quite enough of that! Security! Arrest Christopher Pike and escort him TO AN AIRLOCK!
(Gasps!)
Chekov: But we are in space, admiral! You cannot breath in space!
Admiral: I'm well aware of that, ruskie!
(Kirk stands up, slowly and coolly. He is fucking handsome.)
Kirk: Admiral, as I understand it and I took over command of this ship as soon as Pike was finished his speech, is that or is that not correct?
Admiral: Well, it's correct, but...
Kirk: In that case I order security to STAND DOWN!
(Security guards instantly let go of Pike just before they were about to throw him out an airlock.)
Sulu: That was close!
Scotty: Aye!
Admiral: HRRMMPH!
(Jim and Pike go for a walk.)
Pike: Thanks for saving me, captain, though sometimes I think I'd be better off dead.
Kirk: Don't say that!
Pike: Ah, it's true, after what I've found out I can't be alive anymore! Can't live with the knowledge, you know? That's why I agreed to work with DANGEROUS RADITION.
Kirk: Admiral, you talk a lot about the conspiracy and what you've found out...but you've never revealed the details.
Pike: I can't Jim...it would be too dangerous...not for me, I don't care what happens to me...but for you! For the kids! That Russian, he must only be 17! I can't endanger them...but one day, you'll find out for yourself. And on that day...I'll be there for you.
(Kirk and Pike embrace for a few seconds too long.)
Kirk: Umm...
Pike: Yeah...got carried away...haha...
(Uhura walks over with a PADD.)
Uhura: I need you to sign this, captain.
(Kirk smiles at Uhura, signs it and she nods and walks away.)
Pike: I never got used to it, you know. Having THEM on board my ship.
Kirk: Them? Do you mean...
Pike: Why of course I do...women! Women, on board a starship, it just seems wrong! Their brains are smaller than us, Doctor Piper told me so...
Kirk: I don't know about that.
Pike: You'll learn. When they start screaming in fright everytime an alien appears on the viewscreen, you'll learn. Still...
(Yeoman Rand (Hayden Panettiere) walks by, looking nervous.)
Pike: THEY HAVE SOME USES!
Kirk: Haha!
Pike: I'm giving you Rand, captain.
Kirk: Giving me?
Pike: Oh, she and her have been blackmailing each other for the last year, you see. She was actually only 16 when she came aboard. She should have been kicked off the ship but I...had already slept with her. Eight times. I didn't know! Anyway, I'm handing her over to you. She's legal now...barely!
Kirk: Well, thanks. I'll take good care of her, haha.
Pike: Haha, I'm sure you will! And Jim, there's on other thing...watch out for that green-blooded, pointy-eared bastard of a science officer they've forced you to take on.
Kirk: Spock? But he was one of yours...
Pike: That half-breed was never one of mine, never! I don't trust them bastard! Jonathan Archer was right about those lot, you've read his logs of course, they're required reading.
Kirk: But didn't he end up liking T'Pol?
Pike: Only because he kept her in line by boning her! Don't trust Spock, Jim. DON'T TRUST HIM.
(On another part of the ship, the Admiral meets up with Spock.)
Spock: It was not wise to try and execute Captain Pike.
Admiral: I don't want your opinions, Spock! All I want is your loyalty!
Spock: And you have it...my love.
(They start MAKING OUT!)
TO BE CONTINUED
Note: This story takes place exactly sevens years before Amok Time.
Spock: Concentrate.
Prabb: I can't!
Spock: The key to logic is concentration!
Prabb: It's hard!
Sporck: Lack of concentration is the road to illogic.
Prabb: AAAAAAAAARGH!
(The stones all tumble over.)
Spock: You have failed. If this were a combat situation you would be dead.
Prabb: Yeah, but it's not!
(Spock raises an eyebrow.)
Spock: Begin balancing the stones of Soval again.
Prabb: Tell me a story about the original Enteprise you inspire me! You guys went on a five year mission and kicked some ass!
Spock: Indeed. Two five year missions, in fact.
Prabb: MEGA COOL!
Spock: Perhaps a story of my exploits will help ground you.
Prabb: Yeah dude, hit me with it!
Spock: Very well. The story begins in the 23rd century...
Prabb: SHIT you're old!
Spock: Indeed. The story begins aboard the USS Enterprise when Captain Christopher Pike's command ended so he could work with DANGEROUS RADIATION and he handed comman over to Captain James Kirk, who I met for the first time that day. Pike was asked to make a speech before handing over command and things did not go exactly according to plan...
(SCENE: The Enterprise in a huge hall that was NEVER seen in the original series or the movies. Like, never. Pike (Tom Cruise) is standing on stage making a SPEECH.)
Pike: My fellow officers and to a lesser extent, non-comms. Gentlemen, and to a lesser but sexier extent, ladies. Thank you all for joining me today for this, the last time I will step foot aboard this ship as captain. As soon as this speech ends the captaincy will automatically pass to Kirk and my orders won't be worth shit. Although some would say that that's true already! Haha! Well, this is a great ship. I had some good times on her...mostly in the beds of my female subordinates! Haha! No, but seriously, this shit's all about exploration, alright? Kirk, wherever you go...make sure to go boldly! Ah hell, I can't do this shit no more. James, you are a fine young officer and I pity you, I really do. You are nothing but a pawn of the CORRUPT starfleet command! No, I will not shut up! Don't try and cut my microphone, I brought a spare! Kirk, one piece of advice, don't let the bastards win! DON'T LET THEM WIN! THERE'S A CONSPIRACY KIRK, A FUCKDAMN CONSPIRACY...WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT I WILL REVEAL IT TO YOU, ONE BEEP FOR YES, TWO FOR NO, REMEMBER THESE WORDS...REMEMBER...
Admiral Dubious(played by John Malkovitch): That's quite enough of that! Security! Arrest Christopher Pike and escort him TO AN AIRLOCK!
(Gasps!)
Chekov: But we are in space, admiral! You cannot breath in space!
Admiral: I'm well aware of that, ruskie!
(Kirk stands up, slowly and coolly. He is fucking handsome.)
Kirk: Admiral, as I understand it and I took over command of this ship as soon as Pike was finished his speech, is that or is that not correct?
Admiral: Well, it's correct, but...
Kirk: In that case I order security to STAND DOWN!
(Security guards instantly let go of Pike just before they were about to throw him out an airlock.)
Sulu: That was close!
Scotty: Aye!
Admiral: HRRMMPH!
(Jim and Pike go for a walk.)
Pike: Thanks for saving me, captain, though sometimes I think I'd be better off dead.
Kirk: Don't say that!
Pike: Ah, it's true, after what I've found out I can't be alive anymore! Can't live with the knowledge, you know? That's why I agreed to work with DANGEROUS RADITION.
Kirk: Admiral, you talk a lot about the conspiracy and what you've found out...but you've never revealed the details.
Pike: I can't Jim...it would be too dangerous...not for me, I don't care what happens to me...but for you! For the kids! That Russian, he must only be 17! I can't endanger them...but one day, you'll find out for yourself. And on that day...I'll be there for you.
(Kirk and Pike embrace for a few seconds too long.)
Kirk: Umm...
Pike: Yeah...got carried away...haha...
(Uhura walks over with a PADD.)
Uhura: I need you to sign this, captain.
(Kirk smiles at Uhura, signs it and she nods and walks away.)
Pike: I never got used to it, you know. Having THEM on board my ship.
Kirk: Them? Do you mean...
Pike: Why of course I do...women! Women, on board a starship, it just seems wrong! Their brains are smaller than us, Doctor Piper told me so...
Kirk: I don't know about that.
Pike: You'll learn. When they start screaming in fright everytime an alien appears on the viewscreen, you'll learn. Still...
(Yeoman Rand (Hayden Panettiere) walks by, looking nervous.)
Pike: THEY HAVE SOME USES!
Kirk: Haha!
Pike: I'm giving you Rand, captain.
Kirk: Giving me?
Pike: Oh, she and her have been blackmailing each other for the last year, you see. She was actually only 16 when she came aboard. She should have been kicked off the ship but I...had already slept with her. Eight times. I didn't know! Anyway, I'm handing her over to you. She's legal now...barely!
Kirk: Well, thanks. I'll take good care of her, haha.
Pike: Haha, I'm sure you will! And Jim, there's on other thing...watch out for that green-blooded, pointy-eared bastard of a science officer they've forced you to take on.
Kirk: Spock? But he was one of yours...
Pike: That half-breed was never one of mine, never! I don't trust them bastard! Jonathan Archer was right about those lot, you've read his logs of course, they're required reading.
Kirk: But didn't he end up liking T'Pol?
Pike: Only because he kept her in line by boning her! Don't trust Spock, Jim. DON'T TRUST HIM.
(On another part of the ship, the Admiral meets up with Spock.)
Spock: It was not wise to try and execute Captain Pike.
Admiral: I don't want your opinions, Spock! All I want is your loyalty!
Spock: And you have it...my love.
(They start MAKING OUT!)
TO BE CONTINUED
Note: This story takes place exactly sevens years before Amok Time.
