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Star Trek 11 script (REAL THIS TIME)

Kligon: YOU WERE INSTRUCTED TO LEAVE OUR SPACE! WE NOW HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO KILL YOU AND YOUR SHIP!

Kirk: But we'll die!

Kligon: YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE YOU HAD ENGINE TROUBLE!

(The Klingon ends communications and all five Klingon warships start firing.)

Sulu: Shields at 59%!

Kirk: Suggestions!

McCoy: Damn it Jim, launch all torpedos, empty all the phaser banks and blow those sub-humans to whatever Hell they believe in!

Kirk: MAKE IT SO!

Sulu: Aye aye!

Chekov: I'm the one who fires the weapons!

Sulu: No, I am!

(Sulu gives Chekov a karate chop and takes control of his stations.)

Sulu: DIE!

(He fires everything at the Klingons. All the torpedoes hit one warship, blowing it up. The phasers disable another warship. The other three ships keep firing on the Enterprise.)

McCoy: YES, that showed them!

Spock: Indeed, showed them that we only have enough firepower to destroy two of their ships. The other three are still firing on us.

Uhura: Captain, I'm scared!

Kirk: Damn it Bones, you killed us all!

Spock: Not necessarily...

(The Klingons shoot out one of the Enterprise's nacelles.)

Spock: I have a suggestion.

Kirk: I'm listening.

McCoy: Damn it Jim...

Kirk: Button it, Bones!

Spock: Klingons are notorious egoists. Each ship's commander will want to destroy the Enteprise for their own personal glory. We could use that to our advantage. Follow my lead...Miss Uhura, give me one of the Klingon ships on an OPEN comm channel.

Uhura: But on an open channel, the others will be able to hear!

Spock: JUST DO IT!

Uhurua: Eek!

Kirk: Do as he says.

(Spock hails one of the Klingon ships on an open comm channel.)

Spock: Starships Enterprise to Klingon vessel. You fought gloriously You did far more damage to us than the other two ships. We eagerly await our destruction at your hands.

Sulu: He's going to get us all killed!

Chekov(just waking up): Better dead than alive with a crew who doesn't respect me!

Klingon#1: Why, uhh...thank you! And you're right, I was the best commander on this day! Haha, I will kill you now!

Spock: Please do, but only you.

Kirk: Yes, we wouldn't like to die by any of those others losers!

Klingon Commander#2: P'TAK! It was my crew who thought most heroicly! We deserve to fire the killing shot!

Klingon Commander#3: Blow it out your ass! It was us, the glorious warriors of Commander Fishstink, who won the day! WE should fire the killing shot! PERHAPS AT YOU!

Klingon#1: If you shoot at them, we'll shoot at you! AND them!

Klingon#2: Us too. AND you!

Klingon#3: It is a good day to die.

Klingon#1: K'plah!

Klingon#2: FOR THE GREAT EMPEROR WORF THE FIRST!

(The three Klingon ships start firing at each other.)

Kirk: Now we just need Scotty to repair the engines!

(Quick cut to Rand's quarters.)

Scotty: All done!

Rand: I felt the ship shaking, you're an animal!

Scotty: Nah, I think someone was just firing on us...shit, I better get to engineering!

Rand: I'll think of you while you're gone!

(He runs out. Rand takes out her cell phone.)

Rand: Hello, Kevin? He's gone, get down here, it's your turn!

(Back to the bridge where Riley is talking on his phone.)

Riley: I'll be right there!

Kirk: No phones on the bridge, you!

Riley: Shit!

McCoy: Well, Spock saved us there, but I think that miserable bastard was just trying to save himself! We should get to Sickbay and see what the results of the autopsy are.

Kirk: I agree.

Spock: I will come with you.

McCoy: Of course you will, you murdering half-breed!

Spock: I did not MURDER anyone.

McCoy: But you did nerve pinch ensign Firstdeath to death!

Spock: I did not MURDER anyone.

McCoy: He's a liar and a fake!

Kirk: Pipe down, let's just get to sickbay.

Chekov: The engines, they work again!

(Chekov tries to high five Sulu who just turns his back on him. Cut to Sickbay, Kirk, Spock and Bones arrive.)

Kirk: Nurse Chapel, what did you find out?

Chapel: Not much.

Kirk: Why the hell not, woman?

Chapel: The dead body...it was stolen!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Prabb: I'll never do it! I'll never travel back and time and blow myself up destroying the Enterprise and thus changing the future...the present! NEVER!

Spromulan: Haha, so you think!

Prabb: Umm, yeah, so I do think!

Spromulan: BRING IN THE PRISONERS!

(Some Reman guards (continuity!) bring in PRABB'S PARENTS!)

Prabb: My parents!

Spromulan: That's right! Now you see! I'll kill your parents if YOU don't go back in time and kill the Enterprise!

Prabb: My parents...are Romulans. I turned my back on them when I took up with Spock's Vulcan resistance.

Prabb's Dad: But he's going to kill us!

Prabb's Mother: I breast fed you until you were eight and this is how you repay me?

Prabb: I'm sorry, I won't do it.

Spromulan: How disappointing.

(Spromulan raises an eyebrow and the Reman guards brutally murder Prabb's parents by tearing their heads off.)

Prabb: They were dead already, without Surak's logic in their lives.

Spromulan: In that case...I'LL KILL SPOCK!

Prabb: You said he was already dead!

Spromulan: I LIED!

(Some other Reman guards bring the real Spock in. He has been WHIPPED.)

Prabb: No, master, they whipped you!

Spock: It's okay. Don't do what they say, I can take anything.

Spromulan: SHUT UP! We'll KILL him if you don't go back in time and blow up the Enterprise!

Prabb: Back up a second there, player. You're saying that you'll kill Spock...unless I go back in time and kill Spock?

Spromulan: Uhh, yeah.

Prabb: You're a retard!

Spromulan: Damn it!

Reman Guard: Umm, might I make a suggestion, sir?

Spromulan: Whoah, you guys can talk!?

Reman Guard: Uhh, yeah.

Spromulan: I never knew that!

Reman Guard: Yes, well, anyway, sir, you look a lot like Spock...

Spromulan: Of course I do, I'm a genetic clone of Spock! ONLY EVIL!

Reman Guard: You sure are. So why don't you travel back in time yourself and REPLACE Spock in the past? Then do evil stuff.

Spromulan: BRILLIANT PLAN! I don't need Prabb or Spock at all! Kill them!

(The Reman guards approach Prabb but he JUMPS into the air and kicks two of them in the face, lands on the ground, rolls to avoid another two, unties Spock in half a second and spins round standing back to back with his master, ready to fight.)

Spock: Just like old times!

(Back to the past. Kirk, Spock, McCoy and Chapel in the Sickbay.)

McCoy: DAMN IT WOMAN, how could you lose a corpse?

Chapel: I was performing an abortion on Ensign Loose in the other room! She said she didn't want it done in here because dead bodies creep her out!

(Spock raisies an eyebrow.)

McCoy: Put that eyebrow down, goatboy! CLEARLY Spock is the one responsible for this corpse going missing somehow, captain!

Kirk: I...I...I don't know!

McCoy: AT LEAST confine him to quarters until we find the body!

Kirk: Okay, let's do that...

(Kirk opens the sickbay doors but outside there's an ANGRY MOB of ensigns yelling things.)

Mob: GIVE US THAT GREEN SKIN MURDERER, HE KILLED FIRSTDEATH, THE ONLY GOOD VULCAN IS A DEAD VULCAN, HUMAN RACE IS THE ONLY RACE WORTH RUNNING IN, KILL KILL KILL!

(Kirk shuts the door.)

Kirk: Uhh, let's go out the other door.

(Cut to Spock's quarters.)

Kirk: I'm going to lock you inside, Spock. Don't try to escape.

Spock: Captain, I must warn you...

Kirk: I don't want to hear any of your threats, mister! GET IN THERE!

(Kirk kicks Spock in the stomach and shoves him in his quarters, the door shutting behind him.)

Spock: It's dark in here.

Voice: BUT NOT TOO DARK FOR MY PURPOSES.

Spock: Who!?

Voice: I am SPROMULAN!

(The lights come in and Spromulan is holding a phaser at Spock.)

Spromulan: I am a genetic clone of you from 100 years in the future! AND I WILL KILL YOU, TAKE YOUR PLACE, AND FUCK KIRK UP!

Spock: 100 years in the future?

Spromulan: That's right! ANd I'm identical to you, no one will notice that I've replaced you!

Spock: Except for the fact that you look 100 years older than me.

Spromulan: ...damn it!
 
(Kirk is sitting in Ten Forward (yes, the original Enterprise had one, you just never saw it!) There is a green alien bartender behind the bar. With a snout.)

Bartender: WHAT'LL IT BE, SCUMFACE?

Kirk: I beg your pardon?

Bartender: PLAH!!! You dishonour me by using the word beg! I challenge you to FACEMONK!

Kirk: Well if it's a fight you want, alien bartender...

(Kirk RIPS HIS SHIRT OFF!)

Kirk: It's a fight you'll get!

(The classic FIGHT music from the original series plays...but all remixed and JAZZED UP to make it BETTER!)

Alien: DIEEEEEEEEEEE!

(The alien jumps over the bar, right into a kick to the face from Kirk. It flies backwards into the bar but bounces forward again as it has a RUBBER ASS and lands on its feet, bearing its fangs.)

Kirk: Oh shit!

(It charges at Kirk, who falls backwards as it reaches him, throwing it over with a JUDE THROW! The alien quickly pulls itself up as Kirk hits it in the back of the neck with a double axehandle! The alien lunges for Kirks leg and bits into his thigh!)

Kirk: OWW! Cannibalistic bastard!

McCoy(standing in the doorway): It's not a cannibal if it's not eating a member if its own species, Jim.

(Kirk SCOWLS at McCoy and KNEES the alien bartender in the face. It staggers back, but then SLASHES at Kirk with its claws, CUTTING his manly chest.)

Kirk: I...HAVE HAD...ENOUGH...OF...YOU!

(Kirk jumps into the air catching the alien around the head with a Rey Mysterio like rana, flipping backwards so the alien's head crashes straight down onto the deck. McCoy runs over and checks the alien's pulse.)

McCoy: He's dead, Jim!

Kirk: Well what do you expect, Bones, it was trying to kill me!

McCoy: Was it? You DAMN FOOL?

Kirk: Watch that mouth, mister!

McCoy: Jim you fool, "scumface" isn't an insult in the Breen language! It's a term of endearment! And facemonk isn't a fight to the death, it's a drink off! But ripping your shirt off IS a challenge to a fight to the death in Breen culuture! You damn fool!

Kirk: Then why didn't you stop me?

McCoy: I wanted to see if you're fit to wear that uniform you ripped off. AND YOU'RE NOT!

Kirk: But...but...but...

(McCoy slaps Kirk who stands there in shock for a moment...then starts crying unctrollably as EMOTIONAL music plays.)

Kirk: I thought I was ready...I'm not...I'm not a captain...I'm a damn fool....WAAAAH!

McCoy: There there.

Kirk: This reminds me of something that happened in my childhood...with my father...who's dead now...WAAAH!

(Everything goes all wavey like there's going to be a flashback, but the scene doesn't switch.)

McCoy: What the hell was that?

Kirk: Some...kind of...alien weapon?

McCoy: Damn it!

Kirk: I...can't speak...at normal rate...anymore! The...alien weapon...affected...my vocal cords!

McCoy: Damn it, mine too! I can't stop damn well saying damn! And I already said it a damn too many damn times anyway!

Breen(suddenly popping up): Hissss, you have more PRESSING concerns!

Kirk: But you...checked his pulse, Bones, you...said he was dead!

McCoy: Oh yeah, I forgot...the damn Breen don't have a damn pulse!

TO BE CONTINUED!
 
Yay shirtless Kirk!
 
This is also the origin of the Breen/Federation conflict.
 
Kirk: Can't we just...stop fighting? I...made a mistake! I didn't know...SCUMFACE was a term of endearment in your language...I was a fool...please...

Breen: DIEEEEEE!

Kirk: Does die still mean die in Breen, Bones?

McCoy: Yes, damn it!

(Kirk hits the breen right in the snout with a spickick. It staggers back and pulls out a KNIFE.)

McCoy: Careful Jim, it's got a knife! A knife AND claws!

(The Breen spins round a strikes Kirk with its prehensile tail.)

McCoy: A knife, claws AND a prehensile tail!

Kirk: Reminds me of something from my childhood...

(And this time we do flashback. Kirk and his father, played by some Australian himbo, are in the Nevada desert for some reason. A LIZARD MAN jumps out from behind sam rocks.)

Jim: Dad, a lizard man!

Dad: They moved to our planet a century ago and took over our deserts. We should not have come out there.

Jim: We should fight, dad!

Dad: Sometimest he best was to fight, is to run away!

(They ran away. The lizard mans runs after them. Suddenly, Kirk and his dad stop. The lizard man tries to stop too, but it's too late, he goes flying off a cliff!)

Jim: We did it!

Dad: We sure did, son.

Jim: I've never felt closer to you, dad.

Dad: Me neither...aaah, my chest! OWW!

Jim: Dad? Why are you making that funny face and clutching your chest in pain? DAD? DAAAAAD!

(Back to the Enterprise. Kirk moves over so that the Ten Forward windows are behind him. The Breen stalks after him.)

Breen: NOW YOU DIE, FEDERACIST!

(It jumps into the air, flying at Kirk, but Kirk jumps and it crashes throguh the ten forward window and out into space!)

Kirk: Can't...breath...can't...

(A forcefield comes on.)

Kirk: That's better.

McCoy: Damn it Jim, you out-smarted him! Maybe you are fit to wear that uniform after all!

Kirk: Speaking of which I better go pick one up...from my quarters, can't go to the bridge shirtless.

McCoy: Damn it Jim, there isn't time, aliens have attacked the ship with a weapon that's effected our vocal cords and we need to find out what's going on!

Kirk: TO THE BRIDGE!

(Meanwhile, in the shuttlebay, a distortion in spacetime opens up and Old Spock and Prabb jump through.)

Old Spock: I just hope we're in time to stop Spromulan!

Prabb: Me too!

(The ships shakes.)

Prabb: SHIIIIT we're under attack!

Old Spock: I remember this...oh no...the vocal cord weapon...oh no...

Prabb: What is it dawg, spit it out! Who attacked!

Old Spock: It was...the Cardassians!

(The brige. Kirk arrives, still shirtless.)

Sulu: Oh my...

Chekov: Hehe, you like what you see.

Sulu: PIPE DOWN.

Chekov: I JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS!

Uhura: Shut up you too, captain topless on the bridge!

Kirk: STATUS REPORT.

Uhura: Umm, do you want me to give it?

Kirk: Better you than those two idiots!

Uhura: Aliens shot at us! Some of us started talking funny!

Kirk: I...see. Kirk to engineering. Scotty, are the engines damaged?

Scotty: No captain...but I cannae stop talking in this accent!

Kirk: I did warn you!

Scotty: Aye...aye...

Uhura: We're being hailed.

Kirk: On screen.

(The Cardassian captain (Hayden Christensen) appears on screen.)

Cardassian: Haha, you are crippled by the great Cardassian empire! Give up now!

Kirk: Why are you attacking us?

Cardassian: Because I can!

Kirk: ALIEN BASTARDS! First the Klingons, then Spock turns evil, now you! Do no aliens have any honour?

Uhura: Captain, stop being such a federacist!

(The Cardassian shoots again.)

Cardassian: PREPARE TO BE BOARDED! Unless we blow you up first!

Kirk: That's it...Mister Sulu, prepare...THE CORBOMITE DEVICE!

Sulu: Oh my!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
The corbomite thingy was on the TOS episode I watched last night!
 
(Old Spock and Prabb are running through corridors.)

Prabb: Wait a minute, you made me study the plans of this ship in logic school, this isn't the way to the bridge!

Old Spock: That's right my young Prabbawan learner.

Prabb: But man we gots to go to the bridge and help Kirk beat those spoonheads!

Old Spock: You are forgetting that I lived through this peroid. Kirk defeated the Cardassians using...well, I don't know, he never told me. But he'll be quite safe.

Prabb: So where we goin' then?

Old Spock: We are going...to see ME.

Prabb: Man, that is whack! What if the space time continuum goes BLAM-OH?

(Old Spock stops running.)

Old Spock: ...what?

Prabb: You know, BLAM-OH! It explodes or some shit! You must have heard all that don't go back in time and have sex with your grandad shit!

Old Spock: Indeed. But I believe I speak for both of us when I say "to hell with the space time continuum."

Prabb: YEAH, WHOO WHEE!

Old Spock: Still, it would be wise if we avoided anyone but my younger self from seeing me...

(A bunch of red shirts run by on their way to battle station. One of them looks at old Spock, puzzled, then keeps running.)

Prabb: Shit dawg, our cover's blown!

Old Spock: Oh, I wouldn't worry about them telling anyone, there's about to be a battle. I remember we had to stop at a star station afterwards to stock up on ensigns.

Prabb: YEAH, WHOO WHEE!

Old Spock: Please stop doing that.

(To the bridge where Kirk and the Cardassian are still facing off.)

Kirk: That's right Mister Sulu...the CORBOMITE device!

Sulu: Uhh, right away.

(There is an awkward pause.)

Kirk: I said the CORBOMITE device!

Sulu: I know! I'm, umm, activating it...

Kirk: Good. GOOOOD!

Cardassian: Is this supposed to be scaring me?

Kirk: Ha! You...would be scared, Cardassian! I...knew it! THE CORBOMITE DEVICE!

Cardassian: Because I'm not scared.

Kirk: Ha! You...you're not scared?

Cardassian: Do you take me for some alien child playing with puppets? We know there's no such thing as a Corbomite device!

Kirk: There is!

Cardasian: There is not!

Kirk: THERE IS!

Sulu: Umm, there isn't. I was wondering what the hell you were talking about!

Uhura: Sulu and the Cardassian are right, captain.

Kirk: SSSSH!

Cardassian: Enough of this! I have an appointment at Bajor for a party! The Bajorans are good friends to us Cardassians...UNLIKE YOU HUMANS! FIRE!!!!

Kirk: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Chekov: No damage, captain!

Kirk: No...damage Mister Chekov?

Chekov: None! They're firing lazers!

Kirk: Lazers? LAZERS? AHAHAHAHAHA!

Chekov: Hehehehe!

Sulu: Oh my!

Uhura: I'm scared, captain!

Riley: HAHAHAHA, LAZERS, FUCKING LOSERS!

Kirk: Hey Scotty, they're firing lazers!

Scotty: Lazers? I CANNAE BELIEVE IT, WHAT EEJITS!

Kirk: Blow them out the sky, mister Sulu!

Sulu: Gladly!

Cardassian: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Sulu shoots the Cardassian ship. It explodes and the explosion shakes the Enterprise.)

Uhura: Death reports coming in...a whole squadron of ensigns just died on deck 7!

Kirk: Damn it! Why! Such...senseless waste...of life!

Sulu: We are scheduled to stop at a starbase in a few days captain, we can pick up some more there.

Kirk: But the waste...of life! I'm going to go beat up Spock to get some answers out of him...and act out my frustrations!

Sulu: YES SIR.

(Old Spock and Prabb have arrived at Spock's quarters.)

Old Spock: I was confined to quarters for causing the death of Engisn Firstdeath...a huge misunderstanding. Luckily I can open the door by mind-melding with the ship's computer.

(Spock mind melds with the computer and the door slides open. Inside, Young Spock is lying on the ground, green blood smeared on his head. A figure is standing over him.)

Old Spock and Prabb: SPROMULAN!!!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
The suspense is unbearable
 
Spromulan: What are you doing here!?

Old Spock: I came back to stop you from killing young me!

Spromulan: Too late, haha!

Prabb: Hey, wait a minute, homeslice. If young Spock is dead, then how comes old Spock is still alive?

Spromulan: Time travel doesn't work that way!

Old Spock: Oww...my heart...I'm fading! Heart first!

Prabb: Shiiiit!

Spromulan: Okay, maybe it does work that way...HEY!

(Young Spock has snuck up behind Spromulan and given him a nerve pinch.)

Spock: Hitting my head with a blunt object and then standing over me gloating thinking I was dead was not a wise move.

Spromulan: HA!

(Spromulan grabs Spock's arm, uneffected by the nerve pinch, and throws him into Prabb.)

Spromulan: When I was clone the nerves in my neck were removed so that you people couldn't nerve pinche me!

Old Spock: It's time to end this.

Spromulan: TO THE DEATH!

(The jump into combat and go at it with VULCAN MARTIAL ARTS. They keep circling each other, kicking and stuff. Prabb and young Spock wake up.)

Spock: I can't tell which is which!

Prabb: Me neither! Good to meet you, by the way!

Spock: This is no time for pleasantries.

Prabb: Man, the old you said you used to have a stick up your ass, but I didn't think you was this bad!

(Spromulan and Old Spock kick each other at the exact same time and both end up down and hurt. Just then, Kirk arrives, with a phaser rifle.)

Kirk: What's going on, I heard fighting! Spock...TWO OLD SPOCKS!?

Spock: Captain, one of them is me from the future, the other is a Romulan clone. You must shoot the fake!

Kirk: But how...do I know which...is the fake!?

(Old Spock and Spromulan both look up and speak at the same time.)

Old Spock and Spromulan: Shoot us both, Jim!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Kirk: I'll...I'll...I'll...shoot you both!

(He shoots them both.)

Spock: NO! You illogical human monster!

Kirk: I acted out of logic!

Prabb: You just killed my mentor, dawg!

Kirk: Killed? What are you talking about? I shot them on stun! Obviously!

Spock: ...oh.

Prabb: Yeah, that works.

Kirk: Now what the FRACK is going on here?

Spock: Jim, there is much I must tell you.

Kirk: Why are there two old versions of your here, fighting to the death? And who is this black Vulcan boy?

Prabb: I'm a Romulan, Jimass.

Kirk: Romulans look like Vulcans?

Prabb: DUH!

Spock: I don't think you should be saying things like that, young man, you will create ripples in the space time continuum.

Prabb: Who gives a shit! You already met yourself from 100 years in the future, AND an evil clone of yourself! The time line's all WHACKED anyway!

Kirk: Yes, well, be that as it may, I demand answers! But first lets get these two stunned old men to Sickbay so Dr McCoy can do a DNA test and see who the real old Spock is!

Prabb: You morontard! Spromulan is a clone, he's got the same DNA as the real deal!

Kirk: Oh, right.

Prabb: Man how'd you ever get to be captain of this bucket of bolts anyway?

Kirk: ...shut up.

Spock: Come, to Sickbay, my old self has a heart condition that needs attention and Spromulan must be restrained.

Kirk: You're still confined to quarters for murdering ensign Firstdeath, mister!

Spock: Jim, I killed him in self defense. He was going to end my life when he found out I wasn't working for Admiral Dubious anymore. Jim, you must know, Admiral Dubious is evil!

Kirk: Pike told me so but he...said you were working for Dubious.

Spock: I...I...I was. I am sorry. I had no choice. He took advantage of me. Sexual advantage.

Kirk: ...

Prabb: ...

McCoy: ...

Kirk: Bones, what are you doing here?

McCoy: Well to tell you truth I was going to come here and inject Spock with Andorian Truth Serum against his will to get the truth out of him. But after hearing that, I believe he really is telling the damn truth.

Spock: You do, Doctor?

McCoy: I sure do. There's no way you'd lie about having sex with Admiral Dubious! Why would you want anyone to think that!

Spock: Indeed.

McCoy: Why didn't you just go to Rand?

Spock: I had no desire to catch space herpse.

Kirk: That reminds me, Bones, did you prepare that lotion for me?

McCoy: Yeah, right after I had prepared some for me.

Spock: There is more to Admiral Dubious's plan which I must explain...

(The ships shakes again.)

Kirk: We're under attack!

Uhura(on comm): Uhura to Kirk, we're under attack! Captain to the bridge! I'm scared, captain!

Kirk: TO THE BRIDGE!

Spock: Wait, where are my old self and Spromulan?

Prabb: Damn it, they must of escaped while you crackers were standing about yakking!

Spock: Must HAVE escaped, son learn to speak proper. I'll come with you and track them down.

Kirk: NO! You're my first officer, mister, your place is on the bridge.

Spock: You mean you trust me again?

Kirk: YES.

(Kirk and Spock hug then look embarrassed.)

McCoy: God damn it!

(The scene cuts to Rand's quarters. She is in bed with a SHIFTY LOOKING ENSIGN who was visible at the start when Pike was making his speech and nodded at Admiral Dubious, I just forgot to mention him then. The ship shakes.)

Rand: The Earth moved for me again! You're almost as good as lover as Scotty!

Shifty: Almost!?

Rand: Who am I kidding, you're better! You don't keep stopping to take space viagra!

Shifty: Janice, since I've made love to you, I'd like you to do me a favour.

Rand: Is this about what you were talking about earlier? I still don't know...

Shifty: Janice, James Kirk must be stopped. Admiral Dubious has said so. And admiral outrank captains!

Rand: But murdering him? Are you sure it's the only way?

Shifty: Yes. I am sure. And YOU must be the one to do it!

Rand: Well...you were really good in bed...okay, I'll do it. It must be the right thing to do.

Shifty: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Rand: Hmm?

Shifty: Uhh, yeah, the right thing to do...hahahaha...

TO BE CONTINUED
 
drama!
 
(Kirk, Spock and McCoy arrive on the bridge. Chekov, Sulu and Uhura look shocked to see Spock.)

Chekov: KAPTAIN, THAT VULCAN BASTARD IS WITH YOU!

Sulu: Do you want me to shoot him, captain?

Uhura: Captain, I'm scared!

Kirk: That's enough out of all three of you! Mister Spock is the first officer of this ship and you will show him some respect!

Chekov: Yeah, some GRUDGING respect.

Sulu: I hear that.

Chekov: Hehe, that's the first time you have ever agreed with me. Perhaps we're not so different. Perhaps we could be friends after all.

Sulu: No.

Chekov: Are you sure?

Sulu: Are you still Russian?

Chekov: Why, yes, of course!

Sulu: THEN NO.

Chekov: Fooey!

Sulu: Hong Kong Phooey? Is that what you were saying? I'm JAPANESE, racist! But I suppose we all look alike to you!

Chekov: That's not what I said!

Kirk: PIPE DOWN! Status report!

Uhura: Captain, I'm scared!

Kirk: Who attacked us!

Chekov: I do not know, captain! They are flying some kind of strange, cube shaped ship!

BORG: WE ARE THE BORG. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED!

Kirk: That what?!

Sulu: I think he said the Bored!

McCoy: He can't have.

Sulu: Why not?

McCoy: Because I'M the bored!

Spock: Captain, their ship is 89 times larger than ours and 384 times more powerful. I suggest we retreat.

Kirk: You...might be right, Mister Spock. Kirk to Scotty, what are the status of our engines?

Scotty(voiceover): Ach! They engines, they cannae take much more, captain!

Kirk: Can you get us out of here?

Scotty: Cap'n we'll be lucky if we aren't all burned to death in the next four minutes! The engines are so hot...I'm going to touch one now...

Kirk: No, don't, you fool!

Scotty: It's...ACH, IT'S SO HOT, I'M BURNEDED, CAP'N, I'M BURNED! ME HANDS! I CANNAE FIX THE ENGINES WITH BURNED HANDS!

Spock: Captain, I suggest I go to engineering and help mister Scott with the engines.

Kirk: SUGGESTION NOTED.

Spock: Umm, does that mean I should or...

McCoy: MORE YOUR ASS, YOU COLD-BLOODED ROBOT!

Spock: You're a medical officer, I don't take orders from you. What are you even doing on the bridge anyway?

McCoy: MOVE!

Kirk: Make it so, Mister Spock.

(Spocks heads out to reach engineering. The Borg ship fires again, right at the left nacelle. The nacelle VECTORS to avoid the shot.)

Kirk: We...can't take much more! There...must be something! The...Klingons were...retarded, the Cardassians ony had...lazers. These Borg must have a weakness too. Fire all weapons!

(The Enterprise fires all weapons.)

Sulu: No damage! Captain, they appear to be immune to conventional weapons...maybe we could fire swords at them?

Kirk: Mister Sulu that...is the DUMBEST thing I've ever heard.

Chekov: Ha!

(Just then, Yeoman Rand and Ensign Shifty arrive on the bridge. Rand is holding a mug of coffee.)

Shifty: And you're sure you poisoned the coffee.

Rand: Yes, but I still don't understand why he must die, Kirk is a good man!

Shifty: For the greater good, Janice. FOR THE GREATER GOOD!

Rand: Captain...would you like some coffee?

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Racial tension FTW
 
Kirk: Coffee?

Rand: To stimulate you.

Kirk: Hmmm...

McCoy: She's right, Jim. Coffee DOES stimulate you. As a doctor, I know these things.

Kirk: Yes, but...for some reason I'm hesitant to drink this coffee...

McCoy: Damn it Jim, drink the damn coffee!

Kirk: Okay, okay! Yeesh!

(Randy slowly walks across the bridge with the poisoned coffee, as ensign Shifty encourages her on.)

Kirk: Hurry it up, woman!

(She reaches out her hand with the mug...and the borg fire again. The Enterprise shakes and she spill the coffee on the carpet.)

Rand: Oops!

Kirk: God damn it!

Uhura: Now I'll have to clean that up!

Kirk: No, let her do it!

McCoy: Yeah!

Kirk: Maybe Pike was right...they don't belong on the ship.

Chekov: That hardly seems fair...

Sulu: Pffft, you only want them here because you try to look up their skirts!

Chekov: So?

Sulu: It's disgusting!

Kirk: I wouldn't go that far, mister!

Sulu: I mean, uhh...hey, those Borg guys are still attacking!

Kirk: It seems they're...waiting...for something! Bones, what does "assimilate" mean?

McCoy: I'm a doctor, not a dictionary!

(Suddenly, a BORG DRONE beams onto the bridge.)

Drone: YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED!

Uhura: I'm scared!

(The drone sticks its tubes towards Uhura...but Kirk karates kicks them!)

Kirk: You want her? You'll have to go through me, mister!

Drone: AFFIRMATIVE...

(Quick cut to Engineering. Scotty is sitting in the corner crying, looking at his hands.)

Scotty: Ach, me hands, me hands! I'll never stroke another engine again!

Spock: Mister Scott, calm yourself. You must talk me through how to repair the engines.

Scotty: Talking's nae my strong suit!

Spock: TRY, MISTER SCOTT.

Scotty: Aye...aye...well, first ya half to...oh no, who's THAT?

Spock: SPROMULAN!

(Spromulan has jumped out from behind the warp core.)

Spromulan: You will die here!

Spock: Then you will die too.

Spromulan: That isn't important! I was created for one reason and one reason only, to stop the Enterprise in its first mission so that the ROMULANS can rule the galaxy!

Spock: What if some other ship comes along, even BETTER than the Enterprise and stop you Romulans?

Spromulan: Impossible!

Spock: Then what about your own life?

Spromulan: I am a clone, nothing more! I have no life!

Spock: But you could.

Spromulan: Stop trying to trick me! I will end you...WITH THIS!

(He pulls out a knife.)

Scotty: Ach, he's got a knife!

Spock: I can see that, mister Scott.

Spromulan: Not just a knife, but a ROMULAN THROWING KNIFE! I am trained in its use! My aim is one hundred percent accurate! Once thrown, it NEVER misses its taget! And its target, you ask? Why, it's YOU. YOU!

Spock: Indeed.

(Spromulan throws the knife. It sails through the air towards Spock...until Prabb jumps in its path.)

Prabb: AAAAAAAAAAH!

Spock: Prabb, no!

Scotty: ACH!

Spromulan: You fool! You were a romulan child! I did all this for the likes of you! And you died to save a Vulcan! Well, luckily I brought two throwing knives...

(As he pulls out the second, Spock kicks it out of his hands with a karate kick.)

Spock: Go back to Hell you coward.

Scotty: ACH!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Best Trek ever, I'M SCARED!
 
yay!
 
(Back to the bridge.)

Uhura: I'm scared!

(Kirk and the Drone keep circling each other. The drone lurches at him with his assimilation tubes, but Kirk avoids it.)

Sulu: Give him a left!

Chekov: No, a right!

McCoy: Damn it Jim, kick him! KICK HIS ROBOT ASS!

(Ensign Shifty takes Rand to one side.)

Shifty: This is our chances! Push him into the robot man! It looks like he's trying to shoot POISONED DARTS out of his tubes!

Rand: I...I...I...I...I...

Shifty: Do it! Or I'll get you pregnant!

Rand: I don't want to be pregnant! Yeomans have to look sexy, for their job! It's what we're paid for! I can't be all bloated and pregnant!

Shifty: THEN KILL KIRK!!

Riley: Hey, what did you say?

Shifty: Uhh...

(He hits Riley over the head with a bulky tricorder.)

Rand: Not Kevin!

Shifty: You're soft! I should have known! Woman have no place on starships! If you won't push Kirk into the robot man's poisoned darts...then perhaps I will!

Rand: I...I...I...I...

(He hits Rand over the head with the bulky tricorder.)

Shifty: This thing's handy!

(Kirk tries to give the borg a flying karate kick but a shield blocks the kick.)

Drone: I CAN ADAPT TO EVERY FORM OF ATTACK.

Chekov: Yeah, great idea, Sulu!

Sulu: It was McCoy's stupid idea, not mine!

Chekov: Oh. Stupid McCoy!

Sulu: Yeah, what a retard!

(Chekov and Sulu share a laugh, then realise what they're doing and stop.)

Chekov: I still hate you!

Sulu: The feeling's mutual!

Kirk: Will you two stop yakking, you're putting me off! Ensign Shifty, what are you doing?

Shifty: Nothing captain, just stretching...

(Shifty tries to push Kirk into the drone, but Uhura pulls Kirk out of the way and holds him tight.)

Uhura: I'm scared!

(Ensign Shifty crashes right into the drone, who assimilates him instantly.)

McCoy: HOLY SHIT!

Kirk: Look what you've done, Uhura, you've killed ensign Shifty!

Uhura: It wasn't my fault!

(The two drones, Shifty and the original, approach Kirk and Uhura.)

Drones: YOUR BIOLOGICAL AND TECHNOLOGICAL DIS...

(The drones are cut off as Sulu chops both their heads off with a samurai sword!)

Sulu: Adapt to this, BITCH!

McCoy: FUCK YEAH! Looks like you're bacon got saved again, Jim. Maybe you aren't fit to wear that uniform afterall!

Kirk: Make up your damn mind!

(Meanwhile, in engineering.)

Prabb: It hurts...the knife...it hurts...

Scotty: You'll be fine, laddie!

Prabb: Tell me...the truth...

Old Spock: You will die in horrible pain.

Scotty: You cold-hearted bastard!

Old Spock: You didn't let me finish. You will die in horrible pain UNLESS Mister Scott manages to extract the knife from your chest.

Scotty: OCH, I CANNAE DO THAT, my hands are burned!

Old Spock: You must find a way.

Scotty: I CANNAE CHANGE THE LAWS OF PHYSICS, SPOCK!

Old Spock: That's OLD Spock.

Scotty: Sorry, old Spock. And why don't YOU do it?

Old Spock: Because I've just gone blind.

Scotty: Och! What about YOUNG Spock, then?

(Spock and Spromulan nerve pinch each other at the exact same time.)

Scotty: Damn it! Well, I guess it's up tae me tae save the wee black romulan lad...

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Och!
 
och aye, Captain!
 
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