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Star Trek 11 script (REAL THIS TIME)
- Thread starter CaptainWacky
- Start date
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(The bridge.)
Kirk: Scotty, Spock, is there anyone in engineering?
Scotty(voiceover): I'm performing surgery on a wee lad, cap'n!
McCoy: GOD DAMN IT TO HELL, JIM! What kind of a ship are you running here? I'M the ship's surgeon, he's stealing my job! I'm going down to engineering to perform the surgery!
Kirk: And I'm coming too, to make sure the engines are fixed.
McCoy: WELL HURRY UP THEN, this turbolift isn't going to wait forever!
Kirk: Why are you riding me?
Chekov(giggling): Hehe, "riding".
Sulu: Ah...haha...ha!
Uhura: Captain, I'm...
Kirk: Scared, I know, I know.
Uhura: No, I'm concerned! The Borg are still firing on us! Quite slowly, but still! And yes, I'm scared!
Kirk: We need the engines fixed, right now!
McCoy: WELL HURRY THE FUCK UP THEN!
(Kirk steps intot he turbolift with McCoy, ready to punch the doctor out.)
Chekov: Umm, I guess I'm in command now...
Sulu: No, I am!
Uhura: Well as long as it's not me!
(Rand arrives back on the bridge with a mug of coffee.)
Rand: Captain, I have your coffee...hey, where is he? And how did Ensign Shifty's head get chopped off?
Sulu: He's in engineering, Shifty turned into a robot so I killed him and I'll have the coffee, please.
Rand: SHIFTY!!!!!!!!!
(Sulu grabs the coffee.)
Sulu: YOINK!
(He starts drinking.)
Rand: Wait, Hikaru, NOOOOOOOOO!
Sulu: GAAAAAAAAH! You put milk in it!
Rand: Umm, what?
Sulu: Everyone knows asians are lactose intolerant! Which, strangely, also makes us immune from COFFEE POISON. But I'm sure you didn't poison this coffee...
Rand: No, of course not...haha.
(In the turbolift, things are TENSE.)
McCoy: WHAT'S TAKING THIS THING SO FUCKING LONG?
Kirk: We only got in it 8 seconds ago!
McCoy: IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A GORRAM TURBOLIFT!
Kirk: Starfleet engineers desiged the turbolift journeys to take longer than necessary so that officers could have important conversations on them. AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHY I'M GOING TO DO RIGHT NOW, MISTER!
McCoy: I have nothing to say to you, you worthless captain!
Kirk: Why...are you so hard...on me?
McCoy: BECAUSE...BECAUSE...
Kirk: SPIT..it out...MAN!
McCoy: MY FATHER WAS A STARFLEET CAPTAIN! AND HE MOLESTED ME! IN A TURBOLIFT!
Kirk: Good...God!
(The ship shakes ago and suddenly the turbolift halts.)
McCoy: What's going on, the lift has stopped...I can't stay in here with you...
Kirk: The Borg must have attacked again...it'll be okay...calm down, Bones.
McCoy: No, stay away from me...DON'T YOU TOUCH ME...MOMMY, IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN!
TO BE CONTINUED
Kirk: Scotty, Spock, is there anyone in engineering?
Scotty(voiceover): I'm performing surgery on a wee lad, cap'n!
McCoy: GOD DAMN IT TO HELL, JIM! What kind of a ship are you running here? I'M the ship's surgeon, he's stealing my job! I'm going down to engineering to perform the surgery!
Kirk: And I'm coming too, to make sure the engines are fixed.
McCoy: WELL HURRY UP THEN, this turbolift isn't going to wait forever!
Kirk: Why are you riding me?
Chekov(giggling): Hehe, "riding".
Sulu: Ah...haha...ha!
Uhura: Captain, I'm...
Kirk: Scared, I know, I know.
Uhura: No, I'm concerned! The Borg are still firing on us! Quite slowly, but still! And yes, I'm scared!
Kirk: We need the engines fixed, right now!
McCoy: WELL HURRY THE FUCK UP THEN!
(Kirk steps intot he turbolift with McCoy, ready to punch the doctor out.)
Chekov: Umm, I guess I'm in command now...
Sulu: No, I am!
Uhura: Well as long as it's not me!
(Rand arrives back on the bridge with a mug of coffee.)
Rand: Captain, I have your coffee...hey, where is he? And how did Ensign Shifty's head get chopped off?
Sulu: He's in engineering, Shifty turned into a robot so I killed him and I'll have the coffee, please.
Rand: SHIFTY!!!!!!!!!
(Sulu grabs the coffee.)
Sulu: YOINK!
(He starts drinking.)
Rand: Wait, Hikaru, NOOOOOOOOO!
Sulu: GAAAAAAAAH! You put milk in it!
Rand: Umm, what?
Sulu: Everyone knows asians are lactose intolerant! Which, strangely, also makes us immune from COFFEE POISON. But I'm sure you didn't poison this coffee...
Rand: No, of course not...haha.
(In the turbolift, things are TENSE.)
McCoy: WHAT'S TAKING THIS THING SO FUCKING LONG?
Kirk: We only got in it 8 seconds ago!
McCoy: IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A GORRAM TURBOLIFT!
Kirk: Starfleet engineers desiged the turbolift journeys to take longer than necessary so that officers could have important conversations on them. AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHY I'M GOING TO DO RIGHT NOW, MISTER!
McCoy: I have nothing to say to you, you worthless captain!
Kirk: Why...are you so hard...on me?
McCoy: BECAUSE...BECAUSE...
Kirk: SPIT..it out...MAN!
McCoy: MY FATHER WAS A STARFLEET CAPTAIN! AND HE MOLESTED ME! IN A TURBOLIFT!
Kirk: Good...God!
(The ship shakes ago and suddenly the turbolift halts.)
McCoy: What's going on, the lift has stopped...I can't stay in here with you...
Kirk: The Borg must have attacked again...it'll be okay...calm down, Bones.
McCoy: No, stay away from me...DON'T YOU TOUCH ME...MOMMY, IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN!
TO BE CONTINUED
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Kirk: Bones, I have no desire to touch you!
McCoy: Why do you keep calling me Bones? YOU WANT TO JUMP MY BONES!
Kirk: No, that's not it at all!
McCoy: I'LL KILL YOU!
(McCoy takes his right shoe off and starts beating Kirk in the head with it.)
Kirk: Oww...stop that...it stings!
McCoy: I'LL TEACH YOU TO BRING BACK OLD MEMORIES!
Kirk: Life is all about confronting old memories! Like me...with my...father...
(Another flashback to the desert. Kirk's dad is lying on the ground clutching his chest.)
Kirk: Nooo!
Father: Come...closer...son...closer...CLOSER!
Kirk: Don't die!
Father: When gone am I, the last of the Kirks will you be...
Kirk: What about my brother?
Father: Oh, forget him.
Kirk: Done!
Father: Jim...Jiiiiiiiiim! You must...always...carry this memory...with you...in your heart...and memory...and soul...and gut...and brain...and everything...and everything...tell your friends that the only way to truly live life...is to face your demons...urgh!
Kirk: DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!
(The camera pans up.)
Kirk Echo: DAAAAAAAAD!
(Back to the Enterprise.)
Kirk: Bones, you must listen to me...and stop hitting me with that shoe! The key to living life...is to confront your demons...confront them Bones...CONFRONT THEM!
McCoy: I...I...I...IT WASN'T MY DAD! He never molested me. Not once, damn him! It was...it was Admiral Dubious, Jim! My God, he's evil! I remember now, I REMEMBER! He was a friend of my father's, spent a lot of time with us...showed an interest in me...a SEXUAL interest! He'd take me into turbolifts...then take me in the shaft! HE'S A BASTARD JIM, HE MUST PAY!
Kirk: He will, Bones, he will.
McCoy: Not if we die at the hands of the Borg! We must get to engineering, fix the engines and get to Starbase Poppadom and kick Admiral Dubious's ass! Fix the turbolift and let's go!
(Kirk PUNCHES a panel open, plays with some wires and suddenly the turbolift starts moving again.)
McCoy: You did it! Maybe you are worthy of wearing that uniform after all!
Kirk: Bones...it's good to have you back!
McCoy: It's good to BE back, baby!
TO BE CONTINUED
McCoy: Why do you keep calling me Bones? YOU WANT TO JUMP MY BONES!
Kirk: No, that's not it at all!
McCoy: I'LL KILL YOU!
(McCoy takes his right shoe off and starts beating Kirk in the head with it.)
Kirk: Oww...stop that...it stings!
McCoy: I'LL TEACH YOU TO BRING BACK OLD MEMORIES!
Kirk: Life is all about confronting old memories! Like me...with my...father...
(Another flashback to the desert. Kirk's dad is lying on the ground clutching his chest.)
Kirk: Nooo!
Father: Come...closer...son...closer...CLOSER!
Kirk: Don't die!
Father: When gone am I, the last of the Kirks will you be...
Kirk: What about my brother?
Father: Oh, forget him.
Kirk: Done!
Father: Jim...Jiiiiiiiiim! You must...always...carry this memory...with you...in your heart...and memory...and soul...and gut...and brain...and everything...and everything...tell your friends that the only way to truly live life...is to face your demons...urgh!
Kirk: DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!
(The camera pans up.)
Kirk Echo: DAAAAAAAAD!
(Back to the Enterprise.)
Kirk: Bones, you must listen to me...and stop hitting me with that shoe! The key to living life...is to confront your demons...confront them Bones...CONFRONT THEM!
McCoy: I...I...I...IT WASN'T MY DAD! He never molested me. Not once, damn him! It was...it was Admiral Dubious, Jim! My God, he's evil! I remember now, I REMEMBER! He was a friend of my father's, spent a lot of time with us...showed an interest in me...a SEXUAL interest! He'd take me into turbolifts...then take me in the shaft! HE'S A BASTARD JIM, HE MUST PAY!
Kirk: He will, Bones, he will.
McCoy: Not if we die at the hands of the Borg! We must get to engineering, fix the engines and get to Starbase Poppadom and kick Admiral Dubious's ass! Fix the turbolift and let's go!
(Kirk PUNCHES a panel open, plays with some wires and suddenly the turbolift starts moving again.)
McCoy: You did it! Maybe you are worthy of wearing that uniform after all!
Kirk: Bones...it's good to have you back!
McCoy: It's good to BE back, baby!
TO BE CONTINUED
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
It was the emotional moment where we learn why McCoy is the way he is.
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(Bones and Kirk run into Engineering.)
McCoy: Damn it Scotty, let me take over!
Prabb: It's okay!
(Prabb jumps up.)
Prabb: Scotty performed surgery on me and I'm fine now!
McCoy: Great Scott!
Scotty: Aye, I suppose I am!
Kirk: What about the engines!
Scotty: ...oh yeah, I forgot about them!
Kirk: DAMN IT, MONTY!
Scotty: Now captain, what's more important, the life of a child or saving the ship?
Kirk: ...you're right, Scotty. I lost track of the bigger picture.
Scotty: Aye.
Spock: Gentlemen...
(Everyone spins around. Spock is awake! Spromulan is still lying on the floor. Old Spock is groping around, blind.)
Spock: I will use my superior Vulcan quickness to fix the engines.
McCoy: Well hurry up about it!
(Spock starts fixing the engines at SUPER SPEED!)
McCoy: Fucking show-off.
(We see a shot of Spock fixing the engines from Spock's perspective. Time is SLOWED DOWN by the pure LOGIC of his VULCAN VISION.)
Spock: Done.
Kirk: Kirk to bridge...
Chekov: CAPTAIN, THE BORG ARE LAUNCHING BIG TORPEDOS AT US!
Kirk: GET US THE FRACK OUT OF HERE!
Chekov: AYE AYE!
Kirk: One aye saves time!
Chekov: Aye!
(The Borg cube launches MASSIVE GLOWING TORPEDOS at the Enterprise. They HURTLE through space at the seemingly MOTIONLESS starship until, at the last possible moment, the Enterprise SPINS 180 degrees in space FOR NO APPARENT REASON and then goes to WARP! The the bridge.)
Chekov and Sulu: YES!
(Chekov and Sulu both punch the air in celebration. They then stare at each other, as if they are about to high five...but just look away instead.)
Uhura: I'm not scared!
Kirk: This is your captain speaking and I want everyone to listen up and listen good.
(We see shots showing crew members all over the ship listening to Kirk. From Chapel in Sickbay, scrubbing out the sick bowls, to GARY MITCHELL CAMEO (played by David Duchovny) in the radiation pod charting gaseous anomolies, to Riley, Kyle, and even Rand on the bridge.)
Kirk: We're going to go to starbase poppadom and we're going to bring Admiral Dubious to justice. Admiral Dubious...is a very bad man. He has done many bad things. He RAPED one of my best friends. He was probably responsible for all these aliens attacking the ship in some way! And he did other stuff too! He must be brought to justice. BIG TIME! Who's with me?
The Entire Crew Except Rand: WE'RE WITH YOU, CAPTAIN!
Kirk: YEAH!
(Rand walks away from the cheering bridge officers.)
Rand: If Kirk is going to starbase poppadom to bring admiral Dubious to justice...then I guess I'll just have to kill him before we get there!
TO BE CONTINUED
McCoy: Damn it Scotty, let me take over!
Prabb: It's okay!
(Prabb jumps up.)
Prabb: Scotty performed surgery on me and I'm fine now!
McCoy: Great Scott!
Scotty: Aye, I suppose I am!
Kirk: What about the engines!
Scotty: ...oh yeah, I forgot about them!
Kirk: DAMN IT, MONTY!
Scotty: Now captain, what's more important, the life of a child or saving the ship?
Kirk: ...you're right, Scotty. I lost track of the bigger picture.
Scotty: Aye.
Spock: Gentlemen...
(Everyone spins around. Spock is awake! Spromulan is still lying on the floor. Old Spock is groping around, blind.)
Spock: I will use my superior Vulcan quickness to fix the engines.
McCoy: Well hurry up about it!
(Spock starts fixing the engines at SUPER SPEED!)
McCoy: Fucking show-off.
(We see a shot of Spock fixing the engines from Spock's perspective. Time is SLOWED DOWN by the pure LOGIC of his VULCAN VISION.)
Spock: Done.
Kirk: Kirk to bridge...
Chekov: CAPTAIN, THE BORG ARE LAUNCHING BIG TORPEDOS AT US!
Kirk: GET US THE FRACK OUT OF HERE!
Chekov: AYE AYE!
Kirk: One aye saves time!
Chekov: Aye!
(The Borg cube launches MASSIVE GLOWING TORPEDOS at the Enterprise. They HURTLE through space at the seemingly MOTIONLESS starship until, at the last possible moment, the Enterprise SPINS 180 degrees in space FOR NO APPARENT REASON and then goes to WARP! The the bridge.)
Chekov and Sulu: YES!
(Chekov and Sulu both punch the air in celebration. They then stare at each other, as if they are about to high five...but just look away instead.)
Uhura: I'm not scared!
Kirk: This is your captain speaking and I want everyone to listen up and listen good.
(We see shots showing crew members all over the ship listening to Kirk. From Chapel in Sickbay, scrubbing out the sick bowls, to GARY MITCHELL CAMEO (played by David Duchovny) in the radiation pod charting gaseous anomolies, to Riley, Kyle, and even Rand on the bridge.)
Kirk: We're going to go to starbase poppadom and we're going to bring Admiral Dubious to justice. Admiral Dubious...is a very bad man. He has done many bad things. He RAPED one of my best friends. He was probably responsible for all these aliens attacking the ship in some way! And he did other stuff too! He must be brought to justice. BIG TIME! Who's with me?
The Entire Crew Except Rand: WE'RE WITH YOU, CAPTAIN!
Kirk: YEAH!
(Rand walks away from the cheering bridge officers.)
Rand: If Kirk is going to starbase poppadom to bring admiral Dubious to justice...then I guess I'll just have to kill him before we get there!
TO BE CONTINUED
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(Spromulan has been locked up in the brig. Kirk, Spock, Old Spock and Prabb are standing outside.)
Spromulan: WHEN I GET OUT, NOT ONLY WILL I KILL YA ALL, I'LL CLONE YA ALL AND KILL YER CLONES TOO! THIS ISN'T THE LAST YOU'LL SEE OF SPROMULAN!
(They turn their backs on him and walk out without looking back.)
Kirk: Coming from the future...I suppose you know what happens to us all.
Old Spock: Indeed.
Spock: I wonder what happens to me.
(Everyone stops and stares at Spock.)
Spock: I was attempting to make what you humans call a "joke".
Kirk: A-hah. Ahaha! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Spock: Indeed.
Prabb: Mandawg, we knows it all I ain't playin' wit chu!
Kirk: So what happens to me?
Prabb: You die falling off a bridge.
(Old Spock gives Prabb a stern look. But Kirk just starts laughing agan.)
Kirk: You romulans are quite the jokers too!
Prabb: Uhh, yeah, we sure are! Hehehe...
Old Spock: Jim, it is best that you do not know what happens in the future. We have already interfered with the timeline too much.
Kirk: I suppose so. You...called me Jim.
Spock: I would never do that.
Old Spock: Give it time. Perhaps Prabb and I should stay guarding Spromulan so we don't get in the way.
Prabb: Man, but I wanna see some ACTION JACKSON, you feel me?
Old Spock: Prabb, remember the seventh law of logic as laid down by Surak.
Prabb: I know, I know. Sometimes following the logical path can be boring as fuck. I remember what Surak said!
Spock: Surak would not say "fuck", young man.
Prabb: Blow me!
(Spock and old Spock both raise their eybrows at the same time.)
Old Spock: Captain Kirk...Jim...it has been an honour serving with you again.
Kirk: Well, you can...talk about this whole adventure with the older version of me when you get back to the future.
(Old Spock smiles grimly.)
Old Spock: Indeed.
(Old Spock and Prabb walk back to the brig.)
Spock: I see nothing of myself in that old man. He says he follows the path of logic, but there is nothing logical about teaching vulcan logic to a young romulan, the least logical race known to the logical vulcan mind.
Kirk: ...what?
Spock: And he smiled. I would never smile.
Kirk: Not even if you went back to your quarters and nurse Chapel was lying naked in your bed?
Spock: NO! AAAAAAH, I FORGOT! NOOOOO!
(Spock grabs his crotch is agony.)
Kirk: Uhh...do you want to be alone?
Spock: It's the Pon'Farr! When Vulcans go TOO far! Every seven years I get the urge to have wild unprotected sex! Admiral Dubious knew that...he used the Pon'Farr to take advantage of me, to blackmail me...homosexual sex is not logical!
Kirk: You mean...you and Dubious...had...homosexual sex?
Spock: I need more right now!
Kirk: Well, maybe Nurse Chapel or, of course I can't believe I forgot her she's such a tart, my yeoman Rand could help you out?
Spock: No! The first time was homosexual! I bonded with a homosexual! It has to be homosexual again! And it has to be...now!
(Spock starts to remove his pants. Kirk looks around desperately.)
Kirk: I can't...wow. It's big...but no...no...
Spock: THERE IS NOBODY ELSE!
(Sulu walks by whistling.)
Sulu: Hello captain, I'm just on my way to my quarters which you just happen to be standing in front of to feed my plants since as you know I'm a keen botansit and...why is Spock naked?
(Without hesitation, Kirk shoves Spock and Sulu into Sulul's quarters and locks the door.)
Sulu: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Kirk: You'll grow to like it.
TO BE CONTINUED
Spromulan: WHEN I GET OUT, NOT ONLY WILL I KILL YA ALL, I'LL CLONE YA ALL AND KILL YER CLONES TOO! THIS ISN'T THE LAST YOU'LL SEE OF SPROMULAN!
(They turn their backs on him and walk out without looking back.)
Kirk: Coming from the future...I suppose you know what happens to us all.
Old Spock: Indeed.
Spock: I wonder what happens to me.
(Everyone stops and stares at Spock.)
Spock: I was attempting to make what you humans call a "joke".
Kirk: A-hah. Ahaha! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Spock: Indeed.
Prabb: Mandawg, we knows it all I ain't playin' wit chu!
Kirk: So what happens to me?
Prabb: You die falling off a bridge.
(Old Spock gives Prabb a stern look. But Kirk just starts laughing agan.)
Kirk: You romulans are quite the jokers too!
Prabb: Uhh, yeah, we sure are! Hehehe...
Old Spock: Jim, it is best that you do not know what happens in the future. We have already interfered with the timeline too much.
Kirk: I suppose so. You...called me Jim.
Spock: I would never do that.
Old Spock: Give it time. Perhaps Prabb and I should stay guarding Spromulan so we don't get in the way.
Prabb: Man, but I wanna see some ACTION JACKSON, you feel me?
Old Spock: Prabb, remember the seventh law of logic as laid down by Surak.
Prabb: I know, I know. Sometimes following the logical path can be boring as fuck. I remember what Surak said!
Spock: Surak would not say "fuck", young man.
Prabb: Blow me!
(Spock and old Spock both raise their eybrows at the same time.)
Old Spock: Captain Kirk...Jim...it has been an honour serving with you again.
Kirk: Well, you can...talk about this whole adventure with the older version of me when you get back to the future.
(Old Spock smiles grimly.)
Old Spock: Indeed.
(Old Spock and Prabb walk back to the brig.)
Spock: I see nothing of myself in that old man. He says he follows the path of logic, but there is nothing logical about teaching vulcan logic to a young romulan, the least logical race known to the logical vulcan mind.
Kirk: ...what?
Spock: And he smiled. I would never smile.
Kirk: Not even if you went back to your quarters and nurse Chapel was lying naked in your bed?
Spock: NO! AAAAAAH, I FORGOT! NOOOOO!
(Spock grabs his crotch is agony.)
Kirk: Uhh...do you want to be alone?
Spock: It's the Pon'Farr! When Vulcans go TOO far! Every seven years I get the urge to have wild unprotected sex! Admiral Dubious knew that...he used the Pon'Farr to take advantage of me, to blackmail me...homosexual sex is not logical!
Kirk: You mean...you and Dubious...had...homosexual sex?
Spock: I need more right now!
Kirk: Well, maybe Nurse Chapel or, of course I can't believe I forgot her she's such a tart, my yeoman Rand could help you out?
Spock: No! The first time was homosexual! I bonded with a homosexual! It has to be homosexual again! And it has to be...now!
(Spock starts to remove his pants. Kirk looks around desperately.)
Kirk: I can't...wow. It's big...but no...no...
Spock: THERE IS NOBODY ELSE!
(Sulu walks by whistling.)
Sulu: Hello captain, I'm just on my way to my quarters which you just happen to be standing in front of to feed my plants since as you know I'm a keen botansit and...why is Spock naked?
(Without hesitation, Kirk shoves Spock and Sulu into Sulul's quarters and locks the door.)
Sulu: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Kirk: You'll grow to like it.
TO BE CONTINUED
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(Kirk is back on the bridge.)
Kirk: How long until we reach starbase poppadom, mister Chekov?
Chekov: Nine minutes, captain!
Kirk: I'm glad you didn't round up to ten. That's OFFICER LEVEL thinking, mister!
Chekov: Uhh, I am an officer, captain!
Kirk: With that attitude, you are!
Chekov: No, really, I am...
(Kirk ignores him and turns to Uhura.)
Kirk: Any response on subspace radio?
Uhura: Negative, captain. I informed Starbase Poppadom that we were coming, but the only message I received back was a strange beeping noise.
Kirk: A strange...beeping noise? That...reminds me of something...but I can't think what.
Chekov: Probably the noise your stomach makes when you're hungry!
Kirk: ...no, that's not it at all.
Chekov: Have you never read Russian epic of Goldilocks and the three capitalists?
Kirk: No. Nobody has. Stop talking crap.
(Sulu and Spock walk back onto the bridge. Sulu is walking bow-legged.)
Kirk: Well...how do you FEEL, Mister Spock?
Spock: Captain, as you humans say, I feel AWESOME!
(Sulu sits down gingerely beside Chekov.)
Chekov: What happened to you?
Sulu: I got fucked up the ass by a vulcan, what do you think!?
Chekov: Hahaha, you're such a kidder!
(Rand comes onto the bridge holding a knife.)
Kirk: Ah, Yeoman Rand...I asked for coffee, not a knife!
Rand: I MUST KILL YOU! FOR THE GOOD OF THE FEDERATION! DIEEEEEEEEEE!
(Rand charges right at kick...but is cut off by a kick to the gut by Uhura, when then kicks the bent over Rand in the face.)
Uhura: Cram it, beyotch.
Kirk: What the hell just happened!? Janice, why did you try to stab me to death?
Rand: I...I...I was in a trance! Someone hynotised me!
Chekov: BUT WHO!?
Rand: It was Dubious, captain! He's behind it all!
Kirk: His ass is in serious need of kicking.
Spock: Indeed.
Kirk: There isn't one part of his ass that does no deserve to feel my boot on it..
Sulu: Captain, we're...
Kirk: I'm going to bury my boot so far up his ass that it'll start to be disolved by digestive acids...
Sulu: CAPTAIN, WE'RE AT STARBASE POPPADOM!
Kirk: BLAST THEM OUT OF THE SKY!
Spock: Captain, we were just going to question Admiral Dubious.
Kirk: Oh, right. Take us in, Mister Sulu.
Sulu: Forcefields, captain!
Kirk: BLAST THEIR FORCEFIELDS OUT OF THE SKY!
Sulu: Aye!
(The Enterprise fires all weapons on the forcefields, but they hold.)
Chekov: What now?
Spock: Logically, we should turn around and fly away, captain.
Kirk: There's nothing logical about brainwashing a sex-crazed 18 year old yeoman into murdering me, Spock.
Spock: Indeed.
Kirk: Mister Sulu...RAMMING SPEED!
Sulu: Sir!?
Kirk: We're going to ram our way in!
Sulu: Urgh, this is bringing up bad memories...
TO BE CONTINUED
Kirk: How long until we reach starbase poppadom, mister Chekov?
Chekov: Nine minutes, captain!
Kirk: I'm glad you didn't round up to ten. That's OFFICER LEVEL thinking, mister!
Chekov: Uhh, I am an officer, captain!
Kirk: With that attitude, you are!
Chekov: No, really, I am...
(Kirk ignores him and turns to Uhura.)
Kirk: Any response on subspace radio?
Uhura: Negative, captain. I informed Starbase Poppadom that we were coming, but the only message I received back was a strange beeping noise.
Kirk: A strange...beeping noise? That...reminds me of something...but I can't think what.
Chekov: Probably the noise your stomach makes when you're hungry!
Kirk: ...no, that's not it at all.
Chekov: Have you never read Russian epic of Goldilocks and the three capitalists?
Kirk: No. Nobody has. Stop talking crap.
(Sulu and Spock walk back onto the bridge. Sulu is walking bow-legged.)
Kirk: Well...how do you FEEL, Mister Spock?
Spock: Captain, as you humans say, I feel AWESOME!
(Sulu sits down gingerely beside Chekov.)
Chekov: What happened to you?
Sulu: I got fucked up the ass by a vulcan, what do you think!?
Chekov: Hahaha, you're such a kidder!
(Rand comes onto the bridge holding a knife.)
Kirk: Ah, Yeoman Rand...I asked for coffee, not a knife!
Rand: I MUST KILL YOU! FOR THE GOOD OF THE FEDERATION! DIEEEEEEEEEE!
(Rand charges right at kick...but is cut off by a kick to the gut by Uhura, when then kicks the bent over Rand in the face.)
Uhura: Cram it, beyotch.
Kirk: What the hell just happened!? Janice, why did you try to stab me to death?
Rand: I...I...I was in a trance! Someone hynotised me!
Chekov: BUT WHO!?
Rand: It was Dubious, captain! He's behind it all!
Kirk: His ass is in serious need of kicking.
Spock: Indeed.
Kirk: There isn't one part of his ass that does no deserve to feel my boot on it..
Sulu: Captain, we're...
Kirk: I'm going to bury my boot so far up his ass that it'll start to be disolved by digestive acids...
Sulu: CAPTAIN, WE'RE AT STARBASE POPPADOM!
Kirk: BLAST THEM OUT OF THE SKY!
Spock: Captain, we were just going to question Admiral Dubious.
Kirk: Oh, right. Take us in, Mister Sulu.
Sulu: Forcefields, captain!
Kirk: BLAST THEIR FORCEFIELDS OUT OF THE SKY!
Sulu: Aye!
(The Enterprise fires all weapons on the forcefields, but they hold.)
Chekov: What now?
Spock: Logically, we should turn around and fly away, captain.
Kirk: There's nothing logical about brainwashing a sex-crazed 18 year old yeoman into murdering me, Spock.
Spock: Indeed.
Kirk: Mister Sulu...RAMMING SPEED!
Sulu: Sir!?
Kirk: We're going to ram our way in!
Sulu: Urgh, this is bringing up bad memories...
TO BE CONTINUED
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Spock: Captain, Starfleet regulations say that any captain attempting to ram his starship through a forcefield should be instantly relieved of command by his first officer.
Uhura: You Vulcan bastard!
Kirk: Well, go ahead Mister Spcok...relieve me.
Spock: No. There appears to be...wax in my ears, captain.
Kirk: Wax...in your ears?
Spock: Wax...in my ears. I did not hear you give the order to ram through the Forcefield.
Sulu: SIGH, does this mean I should do it or not? This is getting tedious and drawn out! This whole thing, I mean!
Kirk: Mister Sulu...MAKE IT SO.
Sulu: ABOUT TIME.
(Sulu flies the Enterprise at full RAMMING SPEED into Starbase Poppadom's forcefield...and it crashes right through.)
Chekov: YES!
(Sulu and Chekov high five instinctively.)
Sulu: Damn it, I didn't mean that!
Chekov: Me neither!
Spock: But once you have high fived, you must become best friends. Starfleet regulations say so. Also, I believe my ears have just popped.
Kirk: Excellent! Mister Sulu, take us in!
Sulu: Aye captain...and stop smiling at me, Commie!
Chekov: I always wanted a best friend...
(The Enterprise DOCKS at Starbase Poppadom. Kirk, Spock, McCoy and Scotty head onboard.)
Kirk: The base appears to be...deserted.
McCoy: That damn coward Dubious turned tail and ran! Maybe that slut Rand tipped him off!
Scotty: DINNAE speak that way about my lass, yankie!
Spock: Wait, I see something over there...it is a man in a wheelchair!
Kirk: That looks a little like...but it can't be...surely it's not...
Spock: Captain Pike.
(Christopher Pike is strapped into a wheelchair. He is all deformed and stuff. There is a light on the front of the wheel chair.)
McCoy: My God, this is inhuman!
(Scotty scans Pike with his tricorder.)
Scotty: Aye, it's just as I suspected, cap'n. Delta rays. The poor bastard's been exposed to massive amounts.
(Suddenly, a hologram of Admiral Dubious appears.)
Dubious: HA, THAT'S RIGHT! YOU FIGURED IT OUT! GOOD FOR YOU! IT WAS I, ADMIRAL IAN M DUBIOUS, WHO OVERDOESED CAPTAIN PIKE WITH DELTA RAYS WHEN HE FIGURED OUT WHAT I WAS UP TO! AND NOW YOU WILL NEVER FIND OUT WHERE I'M HIDING...BECAUSE HE'S A RETARD NOW WHO CAN'T TALK!
Kirk: NOOOOOOOOO!
Pike: BEEP BEEP.
Spock: That light beep.
McCoy: Damn it Spock, does ice water runs through your brains? A great man is reduced to nothing more than a retarded vegetable and you're thinking of nothing be beeping!
Kirk: Wait...I remember something...one beep for yes...
(Flashback to Pike's crazed speech at the start of the movie where he said "ONE BEEP FOR YES, TWO FOR NO".)
Kirk: Two for no!
Scotty: What does this mean, cap'n?
Kirk: It means he suspected all along that Dubious would do this too him! He set up a way of communicating! One beep for yes, two for no!
Spock: Then we can find out where Dubious is
McCoy: AND SKIN THE BASTARD ALIVE.
Spock: Indeed.
Kirk: But how do we find out where Dubious is?
Scotty: Ya just hav tae ask the right question, cap'n! For exmample...is Dubious on Earth?
Pike: BEEP BEEP.
Kirk: I see, that means no! Is Dubious on...the moon?
Pike: BEEP BEEP.
Kirk: Mars?
Pike: BEEP BEEP.
Kirk: Rigel 7?
Pike: BEEP BEEP.
Kirk: Cestus 3?
Pike: BEEP BEEP.
Kirk: Ceti Alpha 5?
Pike: BEEP BEEP.
Kirk: Ceti Alpha 4?
Pike: BEEP BEEP.
Kirk: Betazoid?
Pike: BEEP BEEP.
Kirk: Betazoid 2?
Pike: BEEP BEEP.
Scotty: There is no Betazoid two!
McCoy: We're going to be here all night!
Scotty: Don't worry lads...I brought whisky!
McCoy: GIVE ME SOME, NOW!
Scotty: Want some, Spock?
Spock: I shall abstain.
Kirk: Umm...Bajor?
Pike: BEEP BEEP.
Kirk: AMUSEMENT PARK PLANET?
Pike: BEEP BEEP.
Kirk: The Planet Of The Giant Ducks?
Pike: BEEP BEEP.
Kirk: The planet of the larger than usual but not quite giant ducks?
Pike: BEEP BEEP.
Spock: On second thoughts...
(Spock grabs the whisky from McCoy. He tries to get it back and they have a slap fight over it.)
Kirk: ICE PLANET?
Pike: BEEP BEEP.
Kirk: FIRE PLANET?
Pike: BEEP BEEP...
TO BE CONTINUED
Uhura: You Vulcan bastard!
Kirk: Well, go ahead Mister Spcok...relieve me.
Spock: No. There appears to be...wax in my ears, captain.
Kirk: Wax...in your ears?
Spock: Wax...in my ears. I did not hear you give the order to ram through the Forcefield.
Sulu: SIGH, does this mean I should do it or not? This is getting tedious and drawn out! This whole thing, I mean!
Kirk: Mister Sulu...MAKE IT SO.
Sulu: ABOUT TIME.
(Sulu flies the Enterprise at full RAMMING SPEED into Starbase Poppadom's forcefield...and it crashes right through.)
Chekov: YES!
(Sulu and Chekov high five instinctively.)
Sulu: Damn it, I didn't mean that!
Chekov: Me neither!
Spock: But once you have high fived, you must become best friends. Starfleet regulations say so. Also, I believe my ears have just popped.
Kirk: Excellent! Mister Sulu, take us in!
Sulu: Aye captain...and stop smiling at me, Commie!
Chekov: I always wanted a best friend...
(The Enterprise DOCKS at Starbase Poppadom. Kirk, Spock, McCoy and Scotty head onboard.)
Kirk: The base appears to be...deserted.
McCoy: That damn coward Dubious turned tail and ran! Maybe that slut Rand tipped him off!
Scotty: DINNAE speak that way about my lass, yankie!
Spock: Wait, I see something over there...it is a man in a wheelchair!
Kirk: That looks a little like...but it can't be...surely it's not...
Spock: Captain Pike.
(Christopher Pike is strapped into a wheelchair. He is all deformed and stuff. There is a light on the front of the wheel chair.)
McCoy: My God, this is inhuman!
(Scotty scans Pike with his tricorder.)
Scotty: Aye, it's just as I suspected, cap'n. Delta rays. The poor bastard's been exposed to massive amounts.
(Suddenly, a hologram of Admiral Dubious appears.)
Dubious: HA, THAT'S RIGHT! YOU FIGURED IT OUT! GOOD FOR YOU! IT WAS I, ADMIRAL IAN M DUBIOUS, WHO OVERDOESED CAPTAIN PIKE WITH DELTA RAYS WHEN HE FIGURED OUT WHAT I WAS UP TO! AND NOW YOU WILL NEVER FIND OUT WHERE I'M HIDING...BECAUSE HE'S A RETARD NOW WHO CAN'T TALK!
Kirk: NOOOOOOOOO!
Pike: BEEP BEEP.
Spock: That light beep.
McCoy: Damn it Spock, does ice water runs through your brains? A great man is reduced to nothing more than a retarded vegetable and you're thinking of nothing be beeping!
Kirk: Wait...I remember something...one beep for yes...
(Flashback to Pike's crazed speech at the start of the movie where he said "ONE BEEP FOR YES, TWO FOR NO".)
Kirk: Two for no!
Scotty: What does this mean, cap'n?
Kirk: It means he suspected all along that Dubious would do this too him! He set up a way of communicating! One beep for yes, two for no!
Spock: Then we can find out where Dubious is
McCoy: AND SKIN THE BASTARD ALIVE.
Spock: Indeed.
Kirk: But how do we find out where Dubious is?
Scotty: Ya just hav tae ask the right question, cap'n! For exmample...is Dubious on Earth?
Pike: BEEP BEEP.
Kirk: I see, that means no! Is Dubious on...the moon?
Pike: BEEP BEEP.
Kirk: Mars?
Pike: BEEP BEEP.
Kirk: Rigel 7?
Pike: BEEP BEEP.
Kirk: Cestus 3?
Pike: BEEP BEEP.
Kirk: Ceti Alpha 5?
Pike: BEEP BEEP.
Kirk: Ceti Alpha 4?
Pike: BEEP BEEP.
Kirk: Betazoid?
Pike: BEEP BEEP.
Kirk: Betazoid 2?
Pike: BEEP BEEP.
Scotty: There is no Betazoid two!
McCoy: We're going to be here all night!
Scotty: Don't worry lads...I brought whisky!
McCoy: GIVE ME SOME, NOW!
Scotty: Want some, Spock?
Spock: I shall abstain.
Kirk: Umm...Bajor?
Pike: BEEP BEEP.
Kirk: AMUSEMENT PARK PLANET?
Pike: BEEP BEEP.
Kirk: The Planet Of The Giant Ducks?
Pike: BEEP BEEP.
Kirk: The planet of the larger than usual but not quite giant ducks?
Pike: BEEP BEEP.
Spock: On second thoughts...
(Spock grabs the whisky from McCoy. He tries to get it back and they have a slap fight over it.)
Kirk: ICE PLANET?
Pike: BEEP BEEP.
Kirk: FIRE PLANET?
Pike: BEEP BEEP...
TO BE CONTINUED
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(FIVE DAYS LATER.)
Kirk: ...umm...planet...I don't fucking know.
Pike: BEEP BEEP.
Kirk: Well I give up, anyone else got any suggestions?
Spock: Vulcan?
Pike: BEEP.
Kirk: You forgot the second beep!
Scotty: One beep for yes.
Spock: Is he on Vulcan?
Pike: BEEP.
Kirk: By George, that's my brother's name by the way, I think we've got it!
McCoy: Wait a minte you dammned alien a-hole, why didn't you suggest Vulcan earlier?
Spock: I was meditating.
McCoy: YOU AND YOUR MEDITATING...
Kirk: Well let's go, to Vulcan!
Spock: Captain, what about Admiral Pike? We can't just leave him here alone.
(A hot woman with delta ray burns comes rolling out in a wheelchair, beeping seductively.)
Pike: BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
Kirk: Oh, I've got a feeling he's going to be just fine...
(Kirk winks into the camera. Kirk, Spock, McCoy and Scotty JOG back to the Enterprise. Sulu and Chekov are playing at pirates on the bridge.)
Chekov: ARR! ARR!
Sulu: You ARR in for it now!
(Sulu swings across the bridge on a rope and tries to kick Chekov, but misses and hits Uhura.)
Uhura: I'm scared! Again!
(Kirk and Spock arrive on the bridge.)
Kirk: Chekov, Sulu, what the HELL are you two doing?
Sulu: We were just passing the time, captain.
Chekov: You were gone for five days!
Kirk: That's no reason to act like pirates! Now take us to Vulcan...whichever one of you it is that flies the ship. NOW, MISTER!
Chekov and Sulu: Aye, captain!
(The Enteprise goes to warp. Three seconds later, it arrives at Vulcan.)
Kirk: That was quick!
Spock: Subspace conduit.
Kirk: Ah yes...HOLD THE PHONE, WHAT'S THAT!?
(A giant WARSHIP flies into view and fires 18 torpedos at the Enterprise.)
Uhura: Captain, I'm...
Kirk: We all are. We all are.
TO BE CONTINUED
Kirk: ...umm...planet...I don't fucking know.
Pike: BEEP BEEP.
Kirk: Well I give up, anyone else got any suggestions?
Spock: Vulcan?
Pike: BEEP.
Kirk: You forgot the second beep!
Scotty: One beep for yes.
Spock: Is he on Vulcan?
Pike: BEEP.
Kirk: By George, that's my brother's name by the way, I think we've got it!
McCoy: Wait a minte you dammned alien a-hole, why didn't you suggest Vulcan earlier?
Spock: I was meditating.
McCoy: YOU AND YOUR MEDITATING...
Kirk: Well let's go, to Vulcan!
Spock: Captain, what about Admiral Pike? We can't just leave him here alone.
(A hot woman with delta ray burns comes rolling out in a wheelchair, beeping seductively.)
Pike: BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
Kirk: Oh, I've got a feeling he's going to be just fine...
(Kirk winks into the camera. Kirk, Spock, McCoy and Scotty JOG back to the Enterprise. Sulu and Chekov are playing at pirates on the bridge.)
Chekov: ARR! ARR!
Sulu: You ARR in for it now!
(Sulu swings across the bridge on a rope and tries to kick Chekov, but misses and hits Uhura.)
Uhura: I'm scared! Again!
(Kirk and Spock arrive on the bridge.)
Kirk: Chekov, Sulu, what the HELL are you two doing?
Sulu: We were just passing the time, captain.
Chekov: You were gone for five days!
Kirk: That's no reason to act like pirates! Now take us to Vulcan...whichever one of you it is that flies the ship. NOW, MISTER!
Chekov and Sulu: Aye, captain!
(The Enteprise goes to warp. Three seconds later, it arrives at Vulcan.)
Kirk: That was quick!
Spock: Subspace conduit.
Kirk: Ah yes...HOLD THE PHONE, WHAT'S THAT!?
(A giant WARSHIP flies into view and fires 18 torpedos at the Enterprise.)
Uhura: Captain, I'm...
Kirk: We all are. We all are.
TO BE CONTINUED