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Star Trek 11 script (REAL THIS TIME)

Kirk: Mister Sulu...go to warp.

Chekov: Inside a solar system!? We could end up in a planet!

Sulu: Captain, I must agree with my new best friend.

Kirk: WHAT CHOICE DO WE HAVE!?

Spock: Captain, I suggest...we kick this bad boy into warp now!

(The torpedos are INCHES away from the Enterrprise!)

Sulu: I refuse.

Kirk: HI-YAAH!

(Kirk karate kicks Sulu out of his chair and takes his place, sending the ship into warp. It comes out of Warp in the upper atmosphere of Vulcan.)

Spock: I'm home.

Kirk: Spock, Doctor McCoy, you're with me...Chekov, you're in command.

Chekov: About time!

Kirk: Keep that warship busy while we beam down!

(Kirk, Spock and McCoy head to the transporter room.)

McCoy: Uhh, Jim, why are you taking me anyway? I'm a doctor, not a...whatever would be preferable in this situation.

Kirk: BONES, I NEED YOU.

McCoy: Then I'll come!

Spock: Captain, I suggest we take security officer Bennet as well.

Kirk: FINE.

(Security officer Bennet joins them on the transporter pad.)

Bennet: Oh boy, my first away mission!

(They beam down to the planet. Bennet is instantly shot dead by a Vulcan.)

Kirk: NOOOOO!

Spock: Why did you do that?

Vulcan: ...shit, Spock?

Spock: SYBOK!?

Sybok: That's right, it's me, bro!

McCoy: Damn it Spock, who is this hippy?

Sybok: I'm his...

Spock: ...my old college room mate.

Sybok: Still ashamed of me, I see.

Spock: SSSSH!

Kirk: Why did you shoot ensign what'shisface?

Sybok: Because some evil Starfleet officers have been up to some shit on Vulcan! I thought he was one of them!

Voice: That's right...

(They all spin round. ADMIRAL DUBIOUS is standing behind them holding a phaser...to the heads of Sarek and Amanda.)

Dubious: And if you don't do exactly what I say I'll end this inter-racial marriage forever!

Spock: Mom? Dad?

McCoy: And I always thought he was a bastard!

Sybok: No, that's me.

Spock: SSSSH!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Ive said it before, and I'll say it again, this is the film I want to see
 
Me too, we should start an online petition to get Wacky on the Trek movie writing staff! ONLINE PETITIONS ALWAYS WORK!
 
The writers strike would make that impossible unfortunatly
 
He isn't part of the writers guild!
 
Then he would be a scab, and the other members would pick it
 
Sarek: You must shoot us, Spock. It's the only way.

McCoy: What are you waiting for, shoot them!

Dubious: He won't shoot them! He's more human than Vulcan!

Spock: Father, I cannot shoot you.

Dubious: See! He's weak! HAHAHAHAHA!

Sarek: You have no idea how disappointed I am in you, Spock. I have no son.

Sybok: What about me!?

Sarek: Get a haircut.

Spock: You did not let me finish. I cannot shoot you, father. But I can shoot mother.

(Spock shoots Amanda in the head.)

Amanda: OWW!

(She falls over, apparently dead.)

McCoy: SPOCK, YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD, HOW COULD YOU DO THAT!

Dubious: I still have one hostage!

(Sarek subdues Dubious with a Vulcan nerve pinch.)

Dubious: Oh...

Sarek: Well played, Spock.

McCoy: YOU MEAN YOU TWO FLESHY COMPUTERS SET THIS UP?

Spock: Mother was in the way. She had to be removed so father could perform the nerve pinch.

Sarek: Flawless logic. Perhaps you are my son after all.

Sybok: What about me?

Sarek: Fuck off.

(McCoy checks on Amanda.)

McCoy: Well, she's fine, just stunned.

(McCoy squeezes Amanda's tits while no one is looking.)

Kirk: I'm just glad this is over and we can finally find out what Dubious's plan was!

(Dubious wakes up.)

Dubious: My plan? WAR! The Federation must go to war with all the other races of the galaxy to bring order through our rule! CONTROL! IT IS THE WAY. The first Federation Empire must be established! I set up all the attacks on the Enterprise, by the Klingons, Cardassians and Borg, as an excuse to go to war with those alien bastards!

Kirk: Well...we stopped you!

Dubious: Did you? Remember that warship? That was a BREEN warship! And when the Enterprise destroys it, the Breen will declare war on the Federation! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Kirk: Kirk to Enterprise, come in, come in!

Dubious: Oh yeah, I also scrambled the comm link somehow!

Kirk: Shit!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Amanda in shot in the head shocker!
 
Amanda: Urgh, my head hurts...and why do my tits feel like they've been squeezed?

Spock: Silence, mother, Admiral Dubious has scrambled communications and we have to find a way to stop the Enterprise and the Breen warship from destroying each other.

Amanda: Well, he did Commander Burly over to the radio tower a couple of miles away, maybe that was to scramble the signals.

Spock: Indeed! Why did you not tell me this, father?

Sarek: I was locked in a battle of wills with Admiral Dubious, I didn't have time to watch his subordinates.

Spock: I see. Perhaps your skills are slipping, old man.

Sarek: LESS OF THE OLD.

Kirk: Umm, excuse me, but we need to get to that radio tower! Spock, do you know where it is?

Spock: Yes captain.

Kirk: Then you and McCoy are with me. Mister Spock...

Sarek: Sarek.

Kirk: Mister Sarek, would you kindly guard admiral Dubious?

Sarek: It would be my pleasure.

McCoy: You speak of pleasure, Vulcan?!

Sarek: I said that to see if my son would notice the mistake. He did not. Score one for the old man!

Spock: I hope you go senile some day.

Kirk: HURRY!

Sybok: What about me?

Kirk: Umm...you, umm...just stand about looking grubby.

Sybok: Can do!

Dubious: Why do you care anyway!? The Federation is no paradise! Only through WAR can we be strong!

Sybok: Hmm, you do have a point, the Federation IS no paradise...perhaps I should turn to the legends of Sha Ka Ree for guidance...

Amanda: Pah, you boys and your fad religions!

(Kirk, Spock and McCoy race towards the radio tower.)

Kirk: BLAST! If only there was a way...to get there...quicker!

(A Vulcan youth rides by on a dune buggy.)

Vulcan: Yahoo!

(Kirk, Spock and McCoy look at each other and communicate a plan without saying a word, so close have they grown.)

McCoy: Hey Vulcan...

(As the Vulcan turns round, Spock throws a rock at him, hitting him in the face. He, Kirk and McCoy get on the dune buggy.)

Kirk: YEEHAA!

(They SPEED through the desert towards the radio tower, jumping over CREVICES and dodging LIZARDS as they go.)

McCoy: I just hope we get there on damn time...

(Back on the Enterprise, the ship is hit by several torpedos.)

Scotty: Ach, she cannae take much more!

Uhura: I'm scared!

Chekov: If we go out we're going out like RUSSIAN and taking them with us! Sulu, prepare for RAMMING SPEED!

Sulu: We already did that once!

Chekov: This time, ram FASTER!

(Sulu gulps in fear.)

TO BE CONTINUED
 
heartfelt, also titsfelt
 
McCoy must've really given her the squeeze.
 
Chekov: RAM IT SO!

Sulu: Aye...it has been an honour serving with you, captain.

Chekov: You too, buddy!

(The Enterprise RAMS towards the Breen ship...but a GIANT MECHANICAL HAND reaches out the Breen ship and shoves the Enterprise away, divert its ramming path so that it MISSES the Breen ship.)

Chekov: What the Hell was that!

Uhura: Breen version of a tractor beam!

Chekov: BLAST!

(Kirk, Spock and McCoy arrive at the radio tower. It's is FIVE HUNDRED FEET HIGH.)

Kirk: We have to climb up there and call the Enterprise and tell them not to destroy the Breen!

Spock: And call the Breen and tell them not to destroy the Enterprise.

Kirk: Right!

McCoy: Thanks for the recap, LET'S GET CLIMBING!

(They start the long climg up the spirally staircase leading to the top. Suddenly, a BARREL rolls down the stairs. Spock jumps over it.)

Spock: JUMP.

(Kirk and McCoy jump in time.)

McCoy: What the Hell?

Spock: It must have been thrown by Commander Burly, Dubious's associate.

Kirk: That bastard.

Spock: Come, we must hurry.

McCoy: Who put you in command?

Spock: I know this Vulcan transmitting tower better than any of you.

Kirk: He's right there!

(They hurry up the stairs, avoiding barrel after barrel, until they eventually reach the control room.)

Burly: YOU! But how did you avoid my barrels!

(Burly takes a SWING at Kirk, who ducks and hits him with a KARATE KICK, sending him into Spock who nerve pinches him. Burely staggers back to a railing at the edge of the tower and falls backwards. He manages to hang on by his fingers.)

McCoy: If you fall, you'll die...

Burly: You're a doctor, don't kill me!

McCoy: I won't kill you...

(Burely falls to his death.)

McCoy: But I won't save you either.

Kirk: That was cold, Bones.

Spock: Perhaps we could make a Vulcan out of you yet.

McCoy: WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER!

(Kirk radios the Enterprise.)

Chekov: Uhh, you don't want us to destroy the Breen ship?

Kirk: That's right!

Chekov: Umm, captain...look up.

(Kirk, Spock and McCoy look up. The Breen ship is falling through the sky right towards them.)

Kirk: Well...at least we won't have to worry about explaining this to Starfleet.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Batman reference!
 
Kirk: This...this is the end. I...I can't believe I'm dying here...but I can think of no two people I would rather die with.

McCoy: There are no two people other than myself and you, Jim, who I would rather die with either.

Kirk: No, I meant you and Spock...

McCoy: He can go die over there!

Kirk: CAN'T you two just make friends before you die?

Spock: I have no logical need of friends.

McCoy: And I've got no DAMN EMOTIONAL HUMAN need of pretending to like a Vulcanian!

Kirk: There must be something I can do to bring you two together before we're all crushed to death by this Breen ship in a few seconds. Perhaps...perhaps a song would work?

McCoy: No.

Spock: No.

Kirk: Row row, row your boat, gently down the stream...

McCoy: Hurry up and get here faster, Breen ship!

Spock: I agree.

McCoy: I'm glad we could agree on something.

(They shake hands.)

Kirk: I did it, I brought you two together! Now...we die!

Scotty(over communicator): Uhh, captain, do you want me to beam you all up?

Kirk: What?

Scotty: I was just thinking, maybe I could beam you all up and you wouldn't die...is that something you'd like me to do?

Kirk: Yes, YES! Beam us up, Scotty!

(Kirk, Spock and McCoy are beamed up JUST as the breen ship smashes into the radio tower in a SPECTACULAR CGI EXPLOSION. The Breen ship destroys much of the surrounding ear. Kirk, Spock and McCoy are on the transporter pad, Scotty is standing beaming behind the control console.)

Scotty: Aye, right in the nick of time! Just like they teach you in transporter school!

Spock: Wait...MY PARENTS! NOOOO!

Scotty: Calm yer breeches, Spock! I beam them up to the ship, as well as your worthless half brother. I also beam Admiral Dubious straight to the brig.

(Dubious appears in the brig next to Spromulan.)

Dubious: What the hell are you!?

Spromulan: THE FUTURE.

Dubious: NOOOOOOOOOO!

Old Spock: Looks like it's time for us to go home, Prabb.

Prabb: Yessir, sure does!

(Back to the transporter room.)

Kirk: You...almost showed emotion there, Spock.

Spock: I was merely...oh fuck it, yeah, I did. Laugh out loud.

Kirk: !

McCoy: You know that Vulcan we stole the dune buggy from probably died...

TO BE CONCLUDED
 
FINAL LINE SPOILER:

Spock: And that's why Kirk was a Spigging Hufter!

*All the young Vulcans gathered in the cave, and Spock break character and laugh like Dr Evil*

THE END
 
Uhura: Captain, the Federation President is on comm!

Kirk: PUT HIM THROUGH.

(The Federation President, played by Patrick Stewart with a wig and beard, appears on screen.)

President: Jim!

Kirk: President!

President: Thanks to you, the galaxy is at peace again! We have talked with the Klingons, the Cardassians, the Borg and the Breen and explained that Admiral Dubious was responsible for all the shit that went down! We also told them that YOU, personally are responsible for uncovering this conspiracy!

Kirk: How did they take that?

President: Well, most of them were fine. Strangely, the Klingons seemed to think it was "dishonourable" to be saved by a human and vowed revenge on you, captain James Kirk! That was odd. But I'm sure they were only joking. I'm sure they won't get revenge on you one day by, for example, killing your only son.

Kirk: I certainly hope not! Klingon bastards.

President: Quite. To be honest I was a little disappointed we didn't have an excuse to nuke the shit out of them!

Kirk: Haha!

President: Haha!

Spock: Not funny.

President: Jim, are you sure you don't want this half-breed transferred?

Kirk: No. I'm quite sure. In fact I believe that Mister Spock is ESSENTIAL for the success of our coming five year mission.

Spock: Well, thanks!

President: Well, your BEST FRIEND Gary Mitchell and his lady friend, I can't recall her name, will be coming on board soon. Gary said he's looking forward to SAVING YOUR MISSION.

Kirk: Heh, Gary always had something of a God complex...I can't wait.

President: Well Jim, you've saved the universe for the first of I hope many times. Thank you and good bye!

Kirk: G'bye!

McCoy: What did he meant "the first of many times"?

Kirk: Just an expression. You know something crew...you're the best crew I've ever had. All of you. Even you, Chekov.

Chekov: In soviet Russia, crew thanks you!

Kirk: You too, Sulu. You, with your love of Botany and guns and swords.

Sulu: Thank you, captain. And thank you, Mister Spock, for not telling anyone what we done in your quarters...and how I loved every minute of it.

McCoy: Dear God, you didn't read Vulcan poetry, did you!?

Kirk: You too, Bones! I'd trust you with my life if I needed surgery. Which I don't. And Uhura...

Uhura: I'm...pleased!

Kirk: And Scotty...

Scotty: Aye, the haggis is in the fire for sure!

Kirk: Scotty, why are you still talking in that ridiculous voice?

Scotty: Tae confuse the enemy, cap'n!

Kirk: Haha, good plan! No, but seriously guys...you guys are the greatest and I hope to go on BOLDLY GOING with you all for another five years...at which point I'll want a new crew.

(They all laugh.)

Kirk: No, I'm serious, I'll be sick of you by then, trust me.

Spock: Should we go and see Old Spock and Prabb in the brig?

Kirk: YES, LET'S.

(Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scotty, Chekov, Sulu and Uhura arrive in the brig. Old Spock and Prabb are not there! But Spromulan is, shagging a MYSTERY BLOND.)

Kirk: Who the hell let her in there...JANICE?

(It's Rand!)

Rand: Ooooh, I'm sorry captain...but he's an animal! A VULCAN LOVE ANIMAL!

Spromulan: I have a Vulcan's penis and a Romulan's sexual desire.

Spock: THAT is a deadly combination.

Sulu: I don't want to know about it!

Kirk: But if they're not here...where are they?

(The Future! Back on Romulus. Spock and Prabb are appear in a CAVE.)

Spock: The time transporter worked!

Prabb: And it looks like we arrived on Christmas day, G!

Spock: What a spot of luck. Or, should I say, a SPOCK of luck?

Prabb: No, you shouldn't. Well, I gotta go...maybe you should go out to the balcony.

(Romulan caves have a balcony. Spock walks out to it.)

Spock: Well, okay, but I don't know what I'm doing here...

(Prabb WINKS into the camera and suddenly goes all GLOWING LIGHT and disappears. He has evolved into a higher being! SUDDENLY, a mysterious figure appears behind Spock.)

Voice: Hello, Spock.

(Spock spins round.)

Spock: Jim?

(It's William Shatner as old Kirk, he is in the movie!)

Kirk: That's right.

Spock: But you died...on a bridge!

Kirk: The timeline was changed.

Spock: Prabb...

Kirk: That's right. He told me to avoid bridges. Picard died instead of me.

Spock: That's...great! That you're alive!

Kirk: Indeed.

Spock: That's great and...AAAAH!

Kirk: What?

Spock: I can't believe it, not now, not when I have you back...PON FARR! IT'S COMING OVER ME! PON FUCKING FARR!

Kirk: Don't worry, I know what to do...Hikaru's still alive, right?

(Spock smiles.)

THE END
 
haha.. that was the best Star Trek script I've ever read.
 
How many have you read?
 
Well I've read several here at TK, and this one is clearly the best. OK?
 
ok
 
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