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STAR TREK EPISODE GUIDE

CaptainWacky

CaptainWacky

I want to smell dark matter
THE CAGE: Captain Pike is Captain Kirk's dad and he goes to a planet with aliens on it and the aliens are mean to him and he gets angry and there's a green-skinned woman in it and I think Spock smiles at one point which break continuity so it should be deleted by the CYBERMEN lol and anyway best episode ever 10/10.

WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE: 10/10

TO BE CONTINUED?¬
 
The enemy within - Theres two Kirks and shit, and one of them rapes Rand, and then they get merged together so it really was Kirk that raped Rand, and then he appologises to Rand, and then rapes her again as Kirk, just so she knows it wasnt the evil Kirk that was into rape.

9/10
 
Return to Eden

Some peace-loving hippy types accidently crash their garbage scow into the Enterprise. Kirk furiously beams the survivors directly into the brig, and has Sulu dress in a Gold Lamé suit to interrogate them.

The leader, Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen, comes out all touchy and feely and shit, causing Kirk to get angry and smash his lyre. Spock reports the incident to Starfleet, whilst McCoy gets pissed at him. Starfleet demand Kirk goes for Anger Counselling, leaving a new captain in the chair at the end of the episode - Captain Tom Welling From Smallville (full title).

The episode also feature the infamous "Scotty punches Rand in vagina" incident, cut out and never seen. The character lost a finger through this, and it was never explained in future episodes.

6.3/10
 
City of the Edge of Forever

The Enterprise encounters something that Spock's never ever seen anything like, despite the guy being an authority on Everything and there being several previous time travel episodes... McCoy tries to inject Sulu but mysteriously gets pumped with fluid himself. Having gone bonkers he jumps through a really old alien's ring and finds Joan Collins on the other side. Remarking that she appears to be covered in vaseline, McCoy saves her and makes Hitler take over the world. Kirk and Rice Picker Spock follow through and save the world by letting Joan Collins (and Hitler!) die.

The song "Goodnight Sweetheart" plays throughout, leading one to assume the comedy series of the same name about a man who travels through time was a total fucking rip off.

10/10
 
THE COCAINITE MANOUVER

A little alien puppet throws some boxes at the Enteprise. Everyone is scared. A really nervous guy on the bridge keeps trying to commit suicide so Kirk force-feeds him ten SPACE PILLS. Kirk tricks the little alien puppet by venting cocaine into space then blowing it up, causing a cocaine cloud. It turns out the alien puppet is actually just an alien with a puppet. Nervous guy falls in love with him and stays on his ship FOREVER. Kirk, Spock and McCoy share a joke which Spock gets but pretends not to get.

10/10
 
DATA'S DAY:

Data gets married to Chief O'Brian.

10/10
 
The Doomsday machine

Enterprise gets splashed by giant icecream cornet, Kirk fights colonel Decker from the A team, the space shuttle columbia explodes inside the doomsday machine, making Decker black.

10000000000/10
 
A MUCKY TIME

Spock keeps getting erections on the bridge so Kirk sends him away to have a cold shower, but there's no cold water left because Chekov used it all washing his balls. Spock reveals that he's got the horn bigtime and needs to go back home to get laid. Kirk says fine, dude! Spock, Kirk and McCoy beam down, all wanting some Vulcan pussy. Instead Spock goes mad and kills Kirk. McCoy brings him back to life by tickling him. Spock hugs Kirk and ejaculates all over him and his horn goes away. Spock pretends he isn't gay but McCoy and Kirk know the truth. Guest starring the band T'Pau.
 
El Senorita FuzzyBritches

Spock and Bones get stuck with a hot cavewoman in fur bikini who gets them both a little bothered. Bones makes a lot of jokes about Spock and what other body parts are also pointed so as to scare the cave chick into rolling in the furs with him, but Spock gets pissed, lifts up Bones by the neck and Vulcan death pinches his nuts. Then he takes the cave girl in the other room and pulls off her fuzzy britches, revealing a tunnel through which Andy DuFresne made his escape to freedom by crawling through 500 yards of sewage. Then the warden shoots himself.

Anyway, that's how I remember it...
 
IN THE PALE MOONLIGHT

Sisko wants to get the Romulans involved in the war and he can live with. He asks Garak for help and he can live with it. Garak gets a paedo to help them make fake holograms and he can live with it. The guy stabs Quark and he can live with it. Garak says the guy's door will explode if he tries to get out and he can live with it. Sisko buys some jelly from Bashir and he can life with it. Vreenek says "IT'S A FAAAAKE" and he can live with it. Garak blows up Vreenek and he can live with it. Sisko punches Garak and he can live with it. Sisko has a drink and talks to the camera and he can live with it. He CAN live with it.

Computer, delete this entire review.
 
BOUNTY:

Archer gets captured by a man with a beard.
T'Pol gets horny and tries to have sex with Phlox

8/10 (not a full ten due to lack of Denobu-penis)
 
MORTAL COIL:

NEELIX DIES but then he comes back

1/10 (FUCKING COCK TEASE)
 
end game

All sereis have a prgram called trhis

They all suck
 
Threshold:

The Star Trek: Voyager writing team try really hard to have a cool scientifically interesting episode revolving around what happens when you reach warp ten, even though it is said that reaching warp ten is impossible. It happens anway. About half-way through the writers give up on life and leave a pre-fucked-by-Seven Brannon Braga to continue to take the audience with them, leaving a potentially doped up Michael Westmore to apply some really fucking absymal makeup onto Robert Duncan McNeil --who has myseteriously gone through the evolution process without natural selection-- and send him out on camera in a bid to get the Oxford Dictionary to amend the entry for "ham." Considered one of the worst episodes of Star Trek ever. It's bloody brilliant.


10/10
 
It's only a Paper Moon:


Nog has no leg. LOL.


9/10
 
CODE OF HONOUR

The Enterprise travels back in time to Africa in the past and mistakes it for an alien planet. A black guy wants Tasha to marry him. Picard, not wanting to appear racist, says yes. Riker comes up with the idea that Yar and the black guy can fight to the death because "if he loses it's just another dead ###### and she's going to die in Skin of Evil anyway, so either way we win!" Yar wins the fight but refuses to kill the black man, ending racism on Earth forever. Data farts.

9.5/10
 
THESE ARE THE VOYAGES

Riker is all stressed out and shit because his old ship DA PEGASUS has been found in some rock. He gets so stressed out that he gains a lot of weight and looks at least ten years older. Troi also gains some weight and ages ten years out of sympathy. Riker turns to the holodeck for comfort, creating a fictional "first" starship Enterprise captained by one Jonathan Archer. His holo-novel is only midly popular with most of the crew criticising the poor plotlines which seem stolen from many of Riker's own adventures. The character of Trip however becomes very popular with all the fat, forty year old single women officers on board but this sends Riker into a jealous rage as he used to be the only man for them. Riker kills off the Trip character in the most laughable way possible so that he'll get all the pussy again. He then realises that his holo-novel sucks because he's too stressed out so he cancels it right before Archer can make a big speech about gazelles. "Computer, end program!"

4/10
 
Voyager: Satutory.

From season one: After the crews of the two vessels blend as one, there are many interesting romantic pairings such as the one between 800-year-old Neelix and the rapidly aging Kes, who is technically about 4 and a half. This raises all sorts of Lolita style debates between the crew members, who alternate between wanting to force Neelix to register as a sex offender and trying to calculate how many minutes it will be before Kes can give blowjobs. Ultimately, the point is made moot: Janeway declares all female crew members must become volunteer breeders to repopulate the sections of space emptied out by the Borg taking all the hot blond actresses away.
 
The Darkness and the Light

Skinofevil turns out to be Cardassian, and kidnaps a toally-preggers Kira for torture and general hands-on fun in his spacevan. Fine family romp. Watch for Dick Van Dyke as the Bolian chimney sweep.

8/10
 
The trouble with tribbles

Kirk and co have trouble with genital lice, they grew to the point where they are highly visible, a klingon tries to butt fuck Chekov, but Scotty chins the fucker, cue comady fight, and comady shivs to the spine.

Scotty sends all the lice to a certain death while the crew all laugh

9/10
 
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