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STAR TREK EPISODE GUIDE

One Little Ship

Jem Hadar hold Kai Winn's lower digestive tract hostage unless Sisko surrenders control of DS9. O'Brien, Julian and Jadzia take a runabout and shrink to microscopic size in order to flush out the microexplosive charges that line her intestines. Along the way they discover Kai Winn is a cannibal, and also pregnant with Jake's baby. All is expelled in an explosive bowel movement sequence that prompted the first widescreen shot in DS9 history. "Oh no! I tore my pants!" squeals O'Brien.

6/10, 8/10 if you haven't eaten recently.
 
Off topic: I like that everyone's refusing to give each other positive karma in this thread.)
 
LOL

The Visitor

The camera is pointed at Kira's hoohoo in close-up for 43:30 (minus commercials)
 
CARETAKER

While hunting down some terrorist scum in the badlands, the USS Voyager is thrown 70,000 light years to the delta quadrant by a horny old man calling himself the caretaker. Desperate for a shag, the caretaker rapes the whole crew in a barn but doesn't enjoy it much. The holo doctor is hardly in the episode at all but is great in his one scene. Neelix isn't a total waste of space at this point and the show appears to have potential. LET'S HOPE IT GOES ON TO GREAT THINGS LOL! Quark guest stars as Quark.
 
sTICKY.
 
Looking for Par'mach in All the Wrong Places

Everybody makes each other horny. Only some of them act on it. Worf laughs. Kira says "Get out!"
 
The Outcast


Riker will bang anything.
 
Count to Ten

The Enterprise comes across a child like alien race who are trying to fnd the number after 9. This episode is famous as Scotty makes an innapropriate sexual joke about an attractive 13 year old girl.

Spock says their drawings are innacurate and that the sun is a 3d object and the "rays" are poor representations. Kirk smirks a lot looking sideways at Bones then kisses a 14 year old girl who falls in love with him, but he says he has to explore and shit so fobs her off.

Spock tells them the number is 10, they all instantly die and become green slime, Scotty examines it and finds a new fuel which will keep them going for years.

1/10 (sex with young girls is BAD!!!)
 
The Cogenitator (or something)

Trip will also bang anything.
 
A Simple Investigation / The Muse / Favor the Bold / His Way / Chimera

Odo will link with anything.
 
In the Hands of the Prophets

Sisko leaves his balls in the hands of the terminally bored prophets. He instructs them in the game of ping pong to demonstrate linear time.
 
Thine Own Self

Data loses his memory and thinks it'll be funny to feed some villagers radioactive material. Villagers stick a fork in him. Data explodes and is never seen again. Troi kills Geordi. 10/10
 
Masks

Picard and Data wear masks.
 
All Good Things

Picard is old and has a beard in the future and he sees dwarves and they freak him out. Data is a professor even though he's supposed to be dead and he thinks Picard has become "unstuck in time" like in the book Slaughterhouse Five which he waves in front of the camera at regular intervals throughout the episode. Riker and Worf hate each other and Deanna is dead which must happen at some point after Nemesis. The Enterprise D has been reconstructed and has a stupid third nacelle of shit. Picard says "THE CHICKEN AND THE EGG, WILL!" and suddenly the episode is great even though it really makes no sense since there would be no paradox if Q hadn't started throwing Picard about threw time anyway. Q says something about charting the limits of existence or something but all we get after this is some good DS9, some crap Voyage and Enterprise, one good movie and three crap ones. Picard says "THE SKY IS THE FUCKING LIMIT!" and the show is cancelled due to swearing. Wesley cameo drags it down. 9.999999999999999999999999/10
 
The Game

Riker gets pussywhipped into brainwashing the rest of the crew with a mind-altering game device. Wesley and Ashley Judd discover the plot, but Welsey doesn't think to modify the device to make Ashley spread for him. Data grabs a strobe light from a holoprogram of a 70's Yes concert, and saves the day. Ashley spreads for Data. Wesley remains a loser, and does the head-in-hands thing.
 
The Nagus

Quark catches Kira and Odo having sex on the promenade. Odo was cleverly disguised as a houseplant and Kira was polishing his leaves. Quark blackmailed Kira forcing her to sexually service his customers at the bar. Odo got even by changing into a large butt plug and inserting himself into Quark. Quark informed him that it was customary to kiss the Nagus, not ass rape him. Sisko caught wind of the blackmail plot and had Quark imprisoned in the worm hole for 30 days, where he taught the prophets to gamble, further demonstrating linear time. Kira purchased a houseplant of her own.

8/10
 
The Defiant

Riker hates O'Brien for some reason. Riker is really the political idealist (READ: EVIL) Tom Riker and only pretended to hate O'Brien to get rid of him. But everyone still thinks Riker hates O'Brien, including O'Brien himself who turns to drink and takes a swing at Riker ten years later when invited to his wedding (he is kicked out before Nemesis begins.) Kira kisses Evil Riker even though she's in a relationship with some Bajoran priest, the slut. Gul Dukat can't go to the zoo beasue Tom Riker stole the Defiant. OR WAS THAT IN 'THE MAQUIS'? Best episode ever. 6/10
 
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