CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Loktar put toilet paper all around the seat before sitting down. It was winter and he didn't have the central heating on in the bathroom. He was always trying to save money. He wished he could afford one of those fancy heated toilet seats, but the paper would have to do.
He looked down at his horribly scarred penis, sighed, and waiting. He actually did like being on the toilet. No interruptions, no pressure, really, other than passing the stool. Which was actually taking a while this tie. He wished he'd brought something to read in with him. He thought it was going to be a quick one, but nothing was coming. Damn it. He pushed harder. This was not his usual relaxing crap. He pushed and strained. He started to moan in pain as he did.
"Don't push too hard," said a voice. Loktar jumped up.
"Who's there?!" he asked, looking around.
"Don't look for me, I'm a ghost," said the voice.
"There's no such thing as ghosts!" said Loktar.
"Tell that to reality!" said the ghost.
"Who are you!?"
"Remember when you and Roktar bought this house, you found out that the previous owner had died? That's me."
"I remember...he killed himself."
"What? No I didn't! I died right here."
"You killed yourself in the bathroom?"
"No, I died right where you are...I died taking a crap."
"You're lying!"
"Pushing too hard and had a brain hemorrhage. Ever since I've been in this bathroom, watching you and your idiot brother shit, waiting to warn if one of you push too hard. I thought it would be him, to be honest. You always had the better crapping technique. Just relax and it will come."
"I don't believe this!" said Loktar, finally sitting back down. "I'll push as hard as I like!"
"Fine, then you'll DIE. Imagine it, DYING right now, your life incomplete, in the middle of a crap. You'd never live it down!"
"It's just...not...coming..."
"Chill out! You should have brought something to read."
"Yeah, I know! I will next time."
"Tell you what...just this once...I'll help you out, kid."
"How?"
Without any further warning, a hideous spectral figure appeared in front of Loktar. "BOO!" it shouted.
"AAAh!" screamed Loktar. "I just crapped myself!"
"Perfect!" said the ghost and it was gone.
Loktar never pushed that hard ever again.