CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
"So what do we have here, Unit Two?"
"The natives call it Earth, Unit One. Mostly harmless. I borrowed that description from their literature, but it is quite apt. They pose no threat and are unlikely to leave their own solar system for another two hundred rotations of their sun, at the very least. We can move on."
"I'll be the judge of that, Unit Two."
"Of course, Unit One...of course."
Unit One moved his tentacles across the control console. "They are still fighting wars, I see," he said, as an Earth news broadcast played.
"Yes, Unit One...and that is the primary reason when they will be confined to their sphere for the next two of their centuries at the last. Rather said."
"Sad? They are primitives, brutal! We would not want them as part of the space-faring community!"
"No, Unit One, but they do have some redeeming qualities. Their humour, for example, is quite unlike anything seen elsewhere in the galaxy. And their sexual organs, most unique!"
"I place little value on humour, Unit Two. As for their sexual organs, let me take a look...ah, yes. How perverse. I see what you mean. Almost makes me want to exteriminate them all right now, without further review."
"Unit One, I have conducted a thorough review, and I see no reason to..."
"Yes, yes, I know you don't, but you are far too soft, Unit Two. You always have been. Remeber when you convinced me to spare the Raxxy-Cats of Nimbus 8? Fifty years later they stole one of our vessels and crashed it into an asteroid!"
"Yes, that was quite...unfortunate, but the vessel was easy to replace..."
"But if they had been scrubbed out fifty years earlier as they should have been, there would have been no need to replace it!"
"Yes, Unit One...I understand..."
"These humans, why are they so warlike still, at this stage in their development?"
"They do still hold religious beliefs, Unit One, that plays a large part of it..."
"Ah, of course, jihadists, crusaders, I see. I take it, then, they avoided a nuclear holocaust? They remind me of the Mooplestein Folk, but..."
"But two billion of the Mooplestein were wiped out in a nuclear holocaust, Unit One, after a religious conflict. It lead to them abandoning all religious beliefs..."
"And becoming a fine member of our Space Federation! Yes, it is a shame these Earthlings have suffered no similar losses. Quite a shame."
"Two billion of them to die, it would have been unimaginably horrific for them..."
"I can imagine it quite easily and you should be able to as well, given how long you've done this job."
"I said for them, Unit One."
"But I saw the look of distaste on your face."
"Such massive violence is displeasing to me."
"Oh, and to me too, of course."
"If you say so, Unit One."
"I must say, I prefer the races who avoided ever developing religious beliefs."
"Like us."
"Exactly! We are much better for it! We fight no wars!"
"We just wiped out entire planets, entire species..."
"For purely pragmatic reasons! And the more I read about these Earthlings, the more I think we should wipe out them!"
"Unit One, as I explained, they pose no threat!"
"Not yet! But in two hundred years, when they finally leave this backwater system...they could do more damage than crashing a vessel into an asteroid, I know that much."
"Surely, sir, it would be better to simply return here in two hundred years and review their progress, and make a decision then..."
"Yes, but it would be so much easier just to kill them all now, Unit Two. I certainly have no desire to ever come back here."
"Sir, protocols state..."
"I am the commander, Unit Two, I can ignore protocols if I think the situation warrants it."
"BUT THIS SITUATION DOES NOT WARRANT IT!" Unit Two slammed his tentacle down hard on the console in frustration.
"So emotional," tutted Unit One. "What will you do if I wipe out this species? Report me?"
"Yes."
"They will not listen. I have an upstanding reputation...besides, Central Command would not care for these Earthlings."
"No, Unit One...I'll tell them of the other thing you do. The torture of lesser species..."
"That is necessary to understand them..."
"That is the lie you use to cloud your actions."
"Pah! Fine, I shall not wipe out this pitiful race."
"Thank you, Unit One."
"But I will take one. As a sample. Protocol demands it."
"But..."
"Beam one human up."
Unit Two hit some buttons on the console and a human male appear on the ship. It cowered in fear as it saw the two large creatures looking down at him.
"What are you...what the fuck...WHAT THE FUCK..."
"I am Unit One. This is Unit Two."
"WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO ME?"
"I am going to take you apart, atom by atom, and study you. It will be quite painful," said Unit One.
"No...NO!"
"You enjoy it, don't you?" asked Unit Two. "Torturing them."
"Yes," said Unit One. "Quite a lot."
"You disgust me," said Unit Two.
"I enjoy that fact too," said Unit One. "Now, put the Earthling with the others. And increase the painfields tenfold!"
"The natives call it Earth, Unit One. Mostly harmless. I borrowed that description from their literature, but it is quite apt. They pose no threat and are unlikely to leave their own solar system for another two hundred rotations of their sun, at the very least. We can move on."
"I'll be the judge of that, Unit Two."
"Of course, Unit One...of course."
Unit One moved his tentacles across the control console. "They are still fighting wars, I see," he said, as an Earth news broadcast played.
"Yes, Unit One...and that is the primary reason when they will be confined to their sphere for the next two of their centuries at the last. Rather said."
"Sad? They are primitives, brutal! We would not want them as part of the space-faring community!"
"No, Unit One, but they do have some redeeming qualities. Their humour, for example, is quite unlike anything seen elsewhere in the galaxy. And their sexual organs, most unique!"
"I place little value on humour, Unit Two. As for their sexual organs, let me take a look...ah, yes. How perverse. I see what you mean. Almost makes me want to exteriminate them all right now, without further review."
"Unit One, I have conducted a thorough review, and I see no reason to..."
"Yes, yes, I know you don't, but you are far too soft, Unit Two. You always have been. Remeber when you convinced me to spare the Raxxy-Cats of Nimbus 8? Fifty years later they stole one of our vessels and crashed it into an asteroid!"
"Yes, that was quite...unfortunate, but the vessel was easy to replace..."
"But if they had been scrubbed out fifty years earlier as they should have been, there would have been no need to replace it!"
"Yes, Unit One...I understand..."
"These humans, why are they so warlike still, at this stage in their development?"
"They do still hold religious beliefs, Unit One, that plays a large part of it..."
"Ah, of course, jihadists, crusaders, I see. I take it, then, they avoided a nuclear holocaust? They remind me of the Mooplestein Folk, but..."
"But two billion of the Mooplestein were wiped out in a nuclear holocaust, Unit One, after a religious conflict. It lead to them abandoning all religious beliefs..."
"And becoming a fine member of our Space Federation! Yes, it is a shame these Earthlings have suffered no similar losses. Quite a shame."
"Two billion of them to die, it would have been unimaginably horrific for them..."
"I can imagine it quite easily and you should be able to as well, given how long you've done this job."
"I said for them, Unit One."
"But I saw the look of distaste on your face."
"Such massive violence is displeasing to me."
"Oh, and to me too, of course."
"If you say so, Unit One."
"I must say, I prefer the races who avoided ever developing religious beliefs."
"Like us."
"Exactly! We are much better for it! We fight no wars!"
"We just wiped out entire planets, entire species..."
"For purely pragmatic reasons! And the more I read about these Earthlings, the more I think we should wipe out them!"
"Unit One, as I explained, they pose no threat!"
"Not yet! But in two hundred years, when they finally leave this backwater system...they could do more damage than crashing a vessel into an asteroid, I know that much."
"Surely, sir, it would be better to simply return here in two hundred years and review their progress, and make a decision then..."
"Yes, but it would be so much easier just to kill them all now, Unit Two. I certainly have no desire to ever come back here."
"Sir, protocols state..."
"I am the commander, Unit Two, I can ignore protocols if I think the situation warrants it."
"BUT THIS SITUATION DOES NOT WARRANT IT!" Unit Two slammed his tentacle down hard on the console in frustration.
"So emotional," tutted Unit One. "What will you do if I wipe out this species? Report me?"
"Yes."
"They will not listen. I have an upstanding reputation...besides, Central Command would not care for these Earthlings."
"No, Unit One...I'll tell them of the other thing you do. The torture of lesser species..."
"That is necessary to understand them..."
"That is the lie you use to cloud your actions."
"Pah! Fine, I shall not wipe out this pitiful race."
"Thank you, Unit One."
"But I will take one. As a sample. Protocol demands it."
"But..."
"Beam one human up."
Unit Two hit some buttons on the console and a human male appear on the ship. It cowered in fear as it saw the two large creatures looking down at him.
"What are you...what the fuck...WHAT THE FUCK..."
"I am Unit One. This is Unit Two."
"WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO ME?"
"I am going to take you apart, atom by atom, and study you. It will be quite painful," said Unit One.
"No...NO!"
"You enjoy it, don't you?" asked Unit Two. "Torturing them."
"Yes," said Unit One. "Quite a lot."
"You disgust me," said Unit Two.
"I enjoy that fact too," said Unit One. "Now, put the Earthling with the others. And increase the painfields tenfold!"
