CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Stuart walked slowly along the river. He was going to kill himself when he got to the end, so he was in no hurry. Not that he didn't want to kill himself. He had give it some very serious thought. It made perfect sense, really. He did not enjoy life. He never really had, but he used to at least have some hope. But as time went on, logically, his hope had disappeared. Nothing about life got any better, only worse. He became more and more disconnected and nobody could seem to help or understand. So, suicide then. He'd kill himself at the end of his walk along the river, the save walked he'd done every day for the last five years. He wasn't sure exactly how he was going to kill himself, but damn it he knew he was going to do it!
A good looking girl ran right into him. He nearly fell into the river.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!" she said. Wow, she was really good looking. Nobody usually talked to him on his walk, so he wasn't sure what to say. Maybe he'd just say nothing and hope she left.
"That's okay," he said, weakly.
"I just saw some gangbangers! I mean, that's the right word, isn't it? Gangbangers? They had knives and they were wearing hoodies and sneering and...oh, I don't know, they scared me. Pretty lame, huh?"
"I'm scared of squirrels," said Stuart, and he was. The girl laughed.
"Could you walk with me? If it's not too much trouble...I really need to be somewhere..."
"Oh, sure, sure," said Stuart. Okay, he wouldn't kill himself today. Maybe tomorrow. What difference would it make anyway?
"I just feel safer, having a man with me," she said, smiling.
"Oh, I'm hardly a man!" said Stuart. She looked at him a bit funny. Shit, he had to think of something funny to say.
Luckily it was at this point that the alien ship appeared over the river and sucked the girl inside.
"What the hell!?" said Stuart. He'd like that girl. A gang of kids came running out from behind the bushes.
"Aye sir whut's going on here, man, we were fucking about to chib you and your bird when fucking aliens land and shit!" said one of the youths, holding a knife at his side. Stuart made a decision. He grabbed the knife.
"Oy!" said the youth.
"I'm going to save the girl from the aliens," said Stuart. Then he jumped at the alien ship.
"That cunt's CRAZY, man!" said another youth.
Stuart was sucked inside by the ship's suction device. He was in a room on the alien ship. Everything was white and, well, alien. The girl was strapped to a table. Aliens stood around her with probes.
"BACK OFF, ALIENS," said Stuart.
"GRUBBLE FUBBLE WUBBLE...TRANSLATOR ENGAGED...hello there!" said an alien.
"What are you doing to that beautiful girl with those probes?!" said Stuart.
"Beautiful...thank you!" said the girl. She had obviously been pumped full of alien drugs, Stuart observed by her slurring speech.
"She won't suffer," said the alien. "Our cloaking device malfunctioned."
"What are you going to do to her!?" asked Stuart.
"Probe her thoroughly then kill her," said the alien.
"NO!" said Stuart. "What gives you the right!?"
"Oh, cut the melodrama!" said the alien. "It's either this or launch a full scale invasion! We're a scientific probe ship, you see. Our government sends us around the Universe, we come to Earth once every one of your years and abudcted, probe and kill one of your humans, for scientific study. Because of this study we have determined that your people are no threat to us. If our study was stopped, our government would wipe you all out just in case you were a threat."
"Wow, they're evil," said Stuart.
"Yeah, we're trying to overthrow them, but it could be a while," said the alien. "So, you see why this is necessary?"
"Please...save me..." said the girl.
"I...guess so," said Stuart. And he dropped the knife. The alien smiled then disintegrated the girl. Stuart felt nothing as she turned to ash. Nothing but awe and respect of the aliens.
"Thank you," said the lead alien. "Now kill him," he said to another, pointing at Stuart.
"WHAT!?" said Stuart. "But I let you kill her!"
"Thanks!" said the alien. "But no one can know we were here. BYE!"
In the brief second before the disentgration was complete, Stuart thought about the irony of being murdered the same day he was planning to kill himself.
