CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(The Mine Field Jet lands in a jungle. CaptainWackhy, ChrisG76, Headvoid, Dork Lord and Cassie step out.)
Wacky: Well, here we are in Africa.
Cassie: We know, Wacky.
Dork: Or do we!?
Wacky: What do you mean?
Dork: Well, we could be anywhere! The way these crazy trips go, there's no way of knowing we actually arrived in the right place!
Headvoid: He's right. Not that I give a fuck.
Dork: Which PART of Africa anyway? It's a big place!
Chris: Maybe it's the part where Lenny Henry and Gary Glitter once had a secret hideout where they would dress up as giraffes and frighten children? This was before Gary's true interest in children was revealed, of course, but Lenny still feels guilty and refuses to wear a giraffe costume to this day. It was also where Lenny first met Dawn French. She was stealing food from starving children. Even though Lenny enjoys scaring children with his sqauwking noises and Glaswegian accent, he does not like to seem them starve, so he dived onto Dawn to stop her. Eight minutes later they were having sex.
Wacky: Well, maybe. But the important thing is we're in Africa!
Dork: HOW DO YOU KNOW?
Wacky: The pilot said we were in Africa!
Cassie: Yes, but he also said "HAHAHAHA, I SEE YOU, LOOKING AT MY SHOES, PLOTTING TO STEAL THEM, LAUGHING AND LYING, I KNOW YOUR GAME, YOU ALL WANT MY SHOES, WELL GUESS WHAT MISSY, I GLUED THEM TO MY FEET, YOU AIN'T GETTING THEM, HAHAHAHAHA!"
Headvoid: I heard that too.
Wacky: I'll ask him then!
(Wacky opens the cockpit door. The pilot's decaying corpse falls out.)
Wacky: He's d...d...d...d...decaying!
Dork: I don't remember him being a corpse!
Headvoid: Fuck.
Wacky: Now don't panic...
Chris: Yeah. Remember what happened to Big Daddy when he panicked? Kendo Nagaski stole his chips.
Wacky: Hehe, I remember that.
Dork: We're trapped here!
Headvoid: Fucking typical.
Cassie: What are we going to do?
Wacky: Now calm down, I'm sure one of us can fly a plane.
Chris: Nope.
Cassie: Nope.
Dork: Nope.
Headvoid: Fuck nope.
Wacky: Well, lucky that I can, then, isn't it!
Cassie: Wacky, is that a lie?
Wacky: ...yes.
Chris: GRR, I should kick you in the face for lying, but I can only kick people in the face who look at me funny.
(Wacky looks at him funny.)
Wacky: Seriously?
(Chris kicks Wacky in the face, knocking him out.)
Chris: It's a recognised medical condition, asshole.
Headvoid: So what the fuck do we do now?
Chris: We could ask the natives.
(A bunch of black people walk out of the jungle.)
Cassie: I guess we are in Africa after all.
Dork: Yeah, they are black!
(Henoch walks out of the jet.)
Henoch: Did some QUEER just say BLACK!!?!?
Headvoid: Now how the FUCK did you get here!?
Henoch: I HEARD about YER trip to Africa and decided I HAD to go, so I hid in the massive CARGO HOLD in YER jet between the massive quantities of dildos and tampons, YOU BASTARDS.
Chris: Makes sense to me. We brought those dildos in case Ewoks attacked the plane.
Dork: Makes senese to me!
Henoch: SHUT IT, YA BREEDERS! Now tell me where the NEGRO FOLK are so I can ABUSE the SCUM!!!
Headvoid: Over there.
Henoch: FUCKING HELL they're BLACKER than any BLACK I've seen before!! Come on, let's get them to FUCK OFF HOME!
Cassie: Umm, they are home, we're in Africa.
Henoch: Well that should make my job EASIER then!!!
(Sarek steps out of the jet.)
Sarek: Shut the fuck up, Henoch.
Headvoid: Oh come on!
Dork: You don't even post in the Mine Field! Except to say...oh, right, I see.
Henoch: Yeah, like how I see and FEEL his QUEER eyes following my HOT MALE ASS around the place, undressing my ASS with his EYES!!!
Sarek: Shut the fuck up, Henoch.
Chris: DUSTY RHODES DIED ON THE CROSS!
Dork: How are we going to get out of here?
Chris: We could ask Vicki Michelle from 'Allo 'Allo for help.
(Wacky wakes up.)
Wacky: Don't be stupid, she isn't here...oh, hang on...
(Vicki Michelle from 'Allo 'Allo walks over.)
Vicki: Bonjour! Or should I say 'ALLO 'ALLO! Welcome to my home!
Headvoid: Fuck!
Chris: You don't live in Africa! So, wait, we must be in France!
Vicki: Oui oui!
Wacky: Argh, not again! So how come we're in a jungle!?
Dork: Never heard of the famous French jungle?!
Wacky: And who are all the black people!?
Chris: FRENCH black people. They exist, I saw some on the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Will and Carlton asked them out.
Dork: It's true, I saw that one too.
Wacky: Damn it! Not France! This makes no fucking sense!
Cassie: Do these trips ever make any sense?
Headvoid: Fuck no.
Henoch: WELL, French BLACKERS are just as BLACK as African BLACKS so I may as well FUCKING SHOOT THEM with my MASSIVE GUN if you know what I mean! MY COCK!!!!
Chris: Sarek, tell him to shut the fuck up.
Sarek: No, I don't believe I'll be doing that. Because...
(Sarek pulls his FALSE MOUSTACHE off.)
Wacky, Chris, Headvoid: JEREMY BEADLE!
Cassie, Dork, Henoch: Who?
Beadle: That's right! Beadle's about! YOU ALL JUST GOT PWNED!
Headvoid: Fuck.
Wacky: But...the pilot...he's dead...you killed him for a stupid tv stunt? That's...quite cool!
Chris: Maybe he's made out of lego?
(Dork Lord bites a hunk out of the pilot's neck.)
Dork: Doesn't taste like lego.
Beadle: Actually, he's made out of dreams! This is all a shared dream you six are having, and I've entered it using FUTURE TECHNOLOGY! THat's right, I'm from the future and I've travelled back in time to play jokes on the 2007 Mine Field!
Henoch: YOU FAGGOT!
(Henoch punches Beadle out.)
Wacky: So if it's a dream...I guess we just...
(The scene suddenly switches to Wacky in bed.)
Wacky: Wake up! Hey, did you guys all just have the same dream that we went to Africa but it was really France?
(Pull back to show Cassie, Dork Lord, ChrisG, Headvoid and Henoch all in the same bed as Wacky. All having sex with each other.)
Henoch: SHUT yer dreaming head up and get back to FUCKING us in a GAY way or a STRAIGHT way if you fuck Cassie but why would you with ME in the bed, the SEX MONSTER that is Henoch!?!?!?!
(Sarek pops out from under the bed.)
Sarek: Shut the fuck up, Henoch.
FIN
Wacky: Well, here we are in Africa.
Cassie: We know, Wacky.
Dork: Or do we!?
Wacky: What do you mean?
Dork: Well, we could be anywhere! The way these crazy trips go, there's no way of knowing we actually arrived in the right place!
Headvoid: He's right. Not that I give a fuck.
Dork: Which PART of Africa anyway? It's a big place!
Chris: Maybe it's the part where Lenny Henry and Gary Glitter once had a secret hideout where they would dress up as giraffes and frighten children? This was before Gary's true interest in children was revealed, of course, but Lenny still feels guilty and refuses to wear a giraffe costume to this day. It was also where Lenny first met Dawn French. She was stealing food from starving children. Even though Lenny enjoys scaring children with his sqauwking noises and Glaswegian accent, he does not like to seem them starve, so he dived onto Dawn to stop her. Eight minutes later they were having sex.
Wacky: Well, maybe. But the important thing is we're in Africa!
Dork: HOW DO YOU KNOW?
Wacky: The pilot said we were in Africa!
Cassie: Yes, but he also said "HAHAHAHA, I SEE YOU, LOOKING AT MY SHOES, PLOTTING TO STEAL THEM, LAUGHING AND LYING, I KNOW YOUR GAME, YOU ALL WANT MY SHOES, WELL GUESS WHAT MISSY, I GLUED THEM TO MY FEET, YOU AIN'T GETTING THEM, HAHAHAHAHA!"
Headvoid: I heard that too.
Wacky: I'll ask him then!
(Wacky opens the cockpit door. The pilot's decaying corpse falls out.)
Wacky: He's d...d...d...d...decaying!
Dork: I don't remember him being a corpse!
Headvoid: Fuck.
Wacky: Now don't panic...
Chris: Yeah. Remember what happened to Big Daddy when he panicked? Kendo Nagaski stole his chips.
Wacky: Hehe, I remember that.
Dork: We're trapped here!
Headvoid: Fucking typical.
Cassie: What are we going to do?
Wacky: Now calm down, I'm sure one of us can fly a plane.
Chris: Nope.
Cassie: Nope.
Dork: Nope.
Headvoid: Fuck nope.
Wacky: Well, lucky that I can, then, isn't it!
Cassie: Wacky, is that a lie?
Wacky: ...yes.
Chris: GRR, I should kick you in the face for lying, but I can only kick people in the face who look at me funny.
(Wacky looks at him funny.)
Wacky: Seriously?
(Chris kicks Wacky in the face, knocking him out.)
Chris: It's a recognised medical condition, asshole.
Headvoid: So what the fuck do we do now?
Chris: We could ask the natives.
(A bunch of black people walk out of the jungle.)
Cassie: I guess we are in Africa after all.
Dork: Yeah, they are black!
(Henoch walks out of the jet.)
Henoch: Did some QUEER just say BLACK!!?!?
Headvoid: Now how the FUCK did you get here!?
Henoch: I HEARD about YER trip to Africa and decided I HAD to go, so I hid in the massive CARGO HOLD in YER jet between the massive quantities of dildos and tampons, YOU BASTARDS.
Chris: Makes sense to me. We brought those dildos in case Ewoks attacked the plane.
Dork: Makes senese to me!
Henoch: SHUT IT, YA BREEDERS! Now tell me where the NEGRO FOLK are so I can ABUSE the SCUM!!!
Headvoid: Over there.
Henoch: FUCKING HELL they're BLACKER than any BLACK I've seen before!! Come on, let's get them to FUCK OFF HOME!
Cassie: Umm, they are home, we're in Africa.
Henoch: Well that should make my job EASIER then!!!
(Sarek steps out of the jet.)
Sarek: Shut the fuck up, Henoch.
Headvoid: Oh come on!
Dork: You don't even post in the Mine Field! Except to say...oh, right, I see.
Henoch: Yeah, like how I see and FEEL his QUEER eyes following my HOT MALE ASS around the place, undressing my ASS with his EYES!!!
Sarek: Shut the fuck up, Henoch.
Chris: DUSTY RHODES DIED ON THE CROSS!
Dork: How are we going to get out of here?
Chris: We could ask Vicki Michelle from 'Allo 'Allo for help.
(Wacky wakes up.)
Wacky: Don't be stupid, she isn't here...oh, hang on...
(Vicki Michelle from 'Allo 'Allo walks over.)
Vicki: Bonjour! Or should I say 'ALLO 'ALLO! Welcome to my home!
Headvoid: Fuck!
Chris: You don't live in Africa! So, wait, we must be in France!
Vicki: Oui oui!
Wacky: Argh, not again! So how come we're in a jungle!?
Dork: Never heard of the famous French jungle?!
Wacky: And who are all the black people!?
Chris: FRENCH black people. They exist, I saw some on the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Will and Carlton asked them out.
Dork: It's true, I saw that one too.
Wacky: Damn it! Not France! This makes no fucking sense!
Cassie: Do these trips ever make any sense?
Headvoid: Fuck no.
Henoch: WELL, French BLACKERS are just as BLACK as African BLACKS so I may as well FUCKING SHOOT THEM with my MASSIVE GUN if you know what I mean! MY COCK!!!!
Chris: Sarek, tell him to shut the fuck up.
Sarek: No, I don't believe I'll be doing that. Because...
(Sarek pulls his FALSE MOUSTACHE off.)
Wacky, Chris, Headvoid: JEREMY BEADLE!
Cassie, Dork, Henoch: Who?
Beadle: That's right! Beadle's about! YOU ALL JUST GOT PWNED!
Headvoid: Fuck.
Wacky: But...the pilot...he's dead...you killed him for a stupid tv stunt? That's...quite cool!
Chris: Maybe he's made out of lego?
(Dork Lord bites a hunk out of the pilot's neck.)
Dork: Doesn't taste like lego.
Beadle: Actually, he's made out of dreams! This is all a shared dream you six are having, and I've entered it using FUTURE TECHNOLOGY! THat's right, I'm from the future and I've travelled back in time to play jokes on the 2007 Mine Field!
Henoch: YOU FAGGOT!
(Henoch punches Beadle out.)
Wacky: So if it's a dream...I guess we just...
(The scene suddenly switches to Wacky in bed.)
Wacky: Wake up! Hey, did you guys all just have the same dream that we went to Africa but it was really France?
(Pull back to show Cassie, Dork Lord, ChrisG, Headvoid and Henoch all in the same bed as Wacky. All having sex with each other.)
Henoch: SHUT yer dreaming head up and get back to FUCKING us in a GAY way or a STRAIGHT way if you fuck Cassie but why would you with ME in the bed, the SEX MONSTER that is Henoch!?!?!?!
(Sarek pops out from under the bed.)
Sarek: Shut the fuck up, Henoch.
FIN
