CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(Captain Wacky, Tomtrek, Curiousa2z, Fuddlemiff, Dan Brown and FBI Parte Due arrive in Colombia.)
Wacky: Well, here was are in Colombia.
Fuddlemiff: We know, Wacky.
Curious: Why did we come to Colombia anyway?
Wacky: It's a beautiful culture!
Tomtrek: Is it?
FBI: IS IT?
Wacky: Yeah...Shakira lives here.
Tomtrek: And what else?
Wacky: Umm...cocaine?
FBI: Any shrooms? OR MONSTER MUNCH?
Wacky: I don't know...but there's definitely cocaine.
Fuddlemiff: What else?
Wacky: Look, I don't know! Stuff! I think it was named after Christopher Columbus. That makes sense, right?
Dan Brown: I foresee some kind of adventure involving cocaine and Shakira and Christopher Columbus. And possibly a painting of Henoch.
Curious: Who invited that dinnermasher?
Wacky: I don't know...Headvoid was supposed to come, but Dan Brown just kind of appeared. It was very strange.
Tomtrek: And where's Seph and Tisi?
Wacky: Well, Tisi jumped out of the plane screaming "I'M DRUNKING FUCK!!!" and Seph followed her shouting "OKAY, I WILL!" So I'm sure they're fine and will show up at some point.
FBI: No! That's too many characters. I want a real story arc this time. AND BENNY HILL MUSIC.
Fuddlemif: I could be home watching Neighbours or writing that blog "prize" I still have to FUCKING WRITE.
Wacky: Look, I'm sure something fun and entertaining will happen any minute now.
(Shakira walks over to the MFers.)
Shakira: Hello there!
FBI: I THINK I'M IN LOVE!?!?!
Shakira: Can you boys and girl and Dan Brown help me find my cocaine?
Dan Brown: See? It was written in the very stars. And in my new book, coming soon.
Wacky: Sure, we'll help!
Curious: Umm, I won't.
Fuddlemiff: Me neither.
Tomtrek: And why would a hugely successful world famous pop star with cracking hips need to deal cocaine?
Shakira: It's what we do here in Colombia, holmes!
Tomtrek: Or the version of Colombia which exists inside Wacky's head anyway...
Wacky: LET'S GO!
(They walk for about a minute then come to a CHURCH.)
Dan Brown: Careful, everyone. Evil priests with tongues for fingers could possibly live in that church, maybe. This is entirely fictional, but it could have happened. I'm not saying it did happen, for legal reasons. But it could. And has. But not legally.
FBI: We can all go and pray to our Gods.
Wacky: God is a big pile of shit.
Tomtrek: Michelle Trachtenberg.
Fuddlemiff: That Malcolm in the Middle guy.
Curious: Some footballer!
Dan Brown: Myself.
(They all go into the chuch and find A BIG CRATE with "COCAINE CRATE" written on the side...and Seph. And there's a painting of Henoch hanging above for some reason.)
Dan Brown: Just as I predicted in 1982.
FBI: Is this a shrine to Henoch?
Wacky: Obviously!
Shakira: MY COCAINE!
Seph: Alright love, don't shout, I'm so monkeyed that I feel like twenty steamrollers have driven over my ovaries...and I don't even have ovaries. I haven't felt this Johnstoned since 2002 when I took four hundred mills of oranage blood in Bristol.
(Shakira opens the crate. IT'S EMPTY!)
Dan Brown: The mystery has only just begun.
Shakira: WHERE IS ALL MY COCAINE!?
Seph: *burps*
Shakira: BASTARDO!
Seph: Alright, alright, chill the Doris out you mook, I'll pay you back.
Shakira: How!
(Seph drops his pants.)
Shakira: You're going to give my your pants?
Seph: No, I'm going to give you a good seeing to, sweethips. That means sex in case you're thick.
Shakira: Oh. Okay!
FBI: NOOO! But I love her! My heart is broken! LIKE WHEN DIANA DIED.
(TISIPHONE comes running in.)
Tisi: Now just HOLD ON THERE, MISTER BUCKO. I thought I was your MAIN SQUEEZE?
Seph: You are baby, I'm just banging Shakira to pay off some debts, don't worry, will be back to you pretty quickly, but the sex won't be quick, don't worry about that, it'll be nice and long and I'll probably have to take a shit during after all that cocaine I just took...
Tisi: Hmm, I feel like doing a shit too...
Seph: Interesting...
Fuddlemiff: They're talking about shitting on each other as part of a sex act right in front of us.
Tomtrek: Huh.
(The painting of Henoch falls down and hits Curious on the nose.)
Curious: Oww! By bose! It beally burts!
Dan Brown: I predicted that.
FBI: Why would being hit on the nose make you speak like that?
Wacky: I DON'T KNOW, TOO MUCH PRESSURE, AARGH.
Shakira: Pressure? What about the pressure I'm under to deliver this cocaine to my clients, biatches!
(She KICKS the wall of the church...and the whole thing falls down.)
Seph: I know I'm high as Superman on the Enterprise right now, but I think we're on a film set.
Wacky: OKAY! I admit it! This was a set up all along! We're not really in Colombia! I couldn't afford to fly us there. We're in Elstree Studios, okay?
Tomrek: Star Wars was filmed here!
(Tomtrek runs outside looking for Max Rebo.)
Fuddlemiff: And Big Brother. I booed people here and felt good about it!
Wacky: Yes, and BB. And, funny story...this is all a reality tv show and you're all on it right now, being filmed!
(Seph and Tisi are having sex.)
Seph: Don't care, having sex.
Dan Brown: I knew all this. I didn't want to spoil the surprise.
FBI: But how did you get Shakira to appear?
Shakira: Actually, I'm an actress...
(She pulls her face off. IT'S MICHELLE TRACHTENBERG!)
Tisi: Too bad Tomtrek just went outside!
Seph: Too bad I'm not going to go down on you
(Everyone laughs for a full five minutes.)
FBI: We drew our heavy revolvers (suddenly in the dream there were revolvers) and exultantly killed the gods. AND PJ AND DUNCAN.
Fuddlemiff: Wait...this reality tv show supplied a full crate of cocaine?
Wacky: It was just talcum powder
Seph: I'LL CHIB YOU GOOD FOR THAT, WACKY...
(Seph chases Wacky around with the painting of Henoch.)
Michelle: Maybe I should go talk to Tomtrek about Star Wars...
Dan Brown: Instead I shall write a part in my new book, for Ron Howard has alright agreed to direct the movie, in which you will play a sexy librarian who turns out to be George Washington's genetic clone.
Michelle: Tell me more!
Seph: Okay, Tisi, more sex.
Tisi: Talk about the second CUMMING!
Wacky: Oh, becasue this is church...or was before Michelle Trachtenberg as Shakira kicked the wall down for some reason, totally ruining the reality tv show she was hire to work on. Yeah, that makes sense. This all makes perfect sense.
(Tomtrek comes back in wearing a R2 unit on his head.)
Tomtrek: BEEP BEEP! Oh, hey Michelle...MICHELLE!?
THE END
Wacky: Well, here was are in Colombia.
Fuddlemiff: We know, Wacky.
Curious: Why did we come to Colombia anyway?
Wacky: It's a beautiful culture!
Tomtrek: Is it?
FBI: IS IT?
Wacky: Yeah...Shakira lives here.
Tomtrek: And what else?
Wacky: Umm...cocaine?
FBI: Any shrooms? OR MONSTER MUNCH?
Wacky: I don't know...but there's definitely cocaine.
Fuddlemiff: What else?
Wacky: Look, I don't know! Stuff! I think it was named after Christopher Columbus. That makes sense, right?
Dan Brown: I foresee some kind of adventure involving cocaine and Shakira and Christopher Columbus. And possibly a painting of Henoch.
Curious: Who invited that dinnermasher?
Wacky: I don't know...Headvoid was supposed to come, but Dan Brown just kind of appeared. It was very strange.
Tomtrek: And where's Seph and Tisi?
Wacky: Well, Tisi jumped out of the plane screaming "I'M DRUNKING FUCK!!!" and Seph followed her shouting "OKAY, I WILL!" So I'm sure they're fine and will show up at some point.
FBI: No! That's too many characters. I want a real story arc this time. AND BENNY HILL MUSIC.
Fuddlemif: I could be home watching Neighbours or writing that blog "prize" I still have to FUCKING WRITE.
Wacky: Look, I'm sure something fun and entertaining will happen any minute now.
(Shakira walks over to the MFers.)
Shakira: Hello there!
FBI: I THINK I'M IN LOVE!?!?!
Shakira: Can you boys and girl and Dan Brown help me find my cocaine?
Dan Brown: See? It was written in the very stars. And in my new book, coming soon.
Wacky: Sure, we'll help!
Curious: Umm, I won't.
Fuddlemiff: Me neither.
Tomtrek: And why would a hugely successful world famous pop star with cracking hips need to deal cocaine?
Shakira: It's what we do here in Colombia, holmes!
Tomtrek: Or the version of Colombia which exists inside Wacky's head anyway...
Wacky: LET'S GO!
(They walk for about a minute then come to a CHURCH.)
Dan Brown: Careful, everyone. Evil priests with tongues for fingers could possibly live in that church, maybe. This is entirely fictional, but it could have happened. I'm not saying it did happen, for legal reasons. But it could. And has. But not legally.
FBI: We can all go and pray to our Gods.
Wacky: God is a big pile of shit.
Tomtrek: Michelle Trachtenberg.
Fuddlemiff: That Malcolm in the Middle guy.
Curious: Some footballer!
Dan Brown: Myself.
(They all go into the chuch and find A BIG CRATE with "COCAINE CRATE" written on the side...and Seph. And there's a painting of Henoch hanging above for some reason.)
Dan Brown: Just as I predicted in 1982.
FBI: Is this a shrine to Henoch?
Wacky: Obviously!
Shakira: MY COCAINE!
Seph: Alright love, don't shout, I'm so monkeyed that I feel like twenty steamrollers have driven over my ovaries...and I don't even have ovaries. I haven't felt this Johnstoned since 2002 when I took four hundred mills of oranage blood in Bristol.
(Shakira opens the crate. IT'S EMPTY!)
Dan Brown: The mystery has only just begun.
Shakira: WHERE IS ALL MY COCAINE!?
Seph: *burps*
Shakira: BASTARDO!
Seph: Alright, alright, chill the Doris out you mook, I'll pay you back.
Shakira: How!
(Seph drops his pants.)
Shakira: You're going to give my your pants?
Seph: No, I'm going to give you a good seeing to, sweethips. That means sex in case you're thick.
Shakira: Oh. Okay!
FBI: NOOO! But I love her! My heart is broken! LIKE WHEN DIANA DIED.
(TISIPHONE comes running in.)
Tisi: Now just HOLD ON THERE, MISTER BUCKO. I thought I was your MAIN SQUEEZE?
Seph: You are baby, I'm just banging Shakira to pay off some debts, don't worry, will be back to you pretty quickly, but the sex won't be quick, don't worry about that, it'll be nice and long and I'll probably have to take a shit during after all that cocaine I just took...
Tisi: Hmm, I feel like doing a shit too...
Seph: Interesting...
Fuddlemiff: They're talking about shitting on each other as part of a sex act right in front of us.
Tomtrek: Huh.
(The painting of Henoch falls down and hits Curious on the nose.)
Curious: Oww! By bose! It beally burts!
Dan Brown: I predicted that.
FBI: Why would being hit on the nose make you speak like that?
Wacky: I DON'T KNOW, TOO MUCH PRESSURE, AARGH.
Shakira: Pressure? What about the pressure I'm under to deliver this cocaine to my clients, biatches!
(She KICKS the wall of the church...and the whole thing falls down.)
Seph: I know I'm high as Superman on the Enterprise right now, but I think we're on a film set.
Wacky: OKAY! I admit it! This was a set up all along! We're not really in Colombia! I couldn't afford to fly us there. We're in Elstree Studios, okay?
Tomrek: Star Wars was filmed here!
(Tomtrek runs outside looking for Max Rebo.)
Fuddlemiff: And Big Brother. I booed people here and felt good about it!
Wacky: Yes, and BB. And, funny story...this is all a reality tv show and you're all on it right now, being filmed!
(Seph and Tisi are having sex.)
Seph: Don't care, having sex.
Dan Brown: I knew all this. I didn't want to spoil the surprise.
FBI: But how did you get Shakira to appear?
Shakira: Actually, I'm an actress...
(She pulls her face off. IT'S MICHELLE TRACHTENBERG!)
Tisi: Too bad Tomtrek just went outside!
Seph: Too bad I'm not going to go down on you
(Everyone laughs for a full five minutes.)
FBI: We drew our heavy revolvers (suddenly in the dream there were revolvers) and exultantly killed the gods. AND PJ AND DUNCAN.
Fuddlemiff: Wait...this reality tv show supplied a full crate of cocaine?
Wacky: It was just talcum powder
Seph: I'LL CHIB YOU GOOD FOR THAT, WACKY...
(Seph chases Wacky around with the painting of Henoch.)
Michelle: Maybe I should go talk to Tomtrek about Star Wars...
Dan Brown: Instead I shall write a part in my new book, for Ron Howard has alright agreed to direct the movie, in which you will play a sexy librarian who turns out to be George Washington's genetic clone.
Michelle: Tell me more!
Seph: Okay, Tisi, more sex.
Tisi: Talk about the second CUMMING!
Wacky: Oh, becasue this is church...or was before Michelle Trachtenberg as Shakira kicked the wall down for some reason, totally ruining the reality tv show she was hire to work on. Yeah, that makes sense. This all makes perfect sense.
(Tomtrek comes back in wearing a R2 unit on his head.)
Tomtrek: BEEP BEEP! Oh, hey Michelle...MICHELLE!?
THE END
