CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(CaptainWacky, Cassie, Tisiphone, Curiousa, Laker Girl and Mirah arrive in PARIS, FRANCE.)
Wacky: Well here we are in Paris, France!
Tisiphone: We know, Wacky.
Wacky: THE CITY OF LOVE!
Mirah: ...Child.
Wacky: What? Don't call me a child, you big poopy-pants!
Mirah: No...love...child...it's one of my names. It was a pun. Sort of.
Wacky: Oh. I get puns! HEHE!
(He starts inappropriately tickling her ribs. She punches him in the face.)
Mirah: Please don't touch me.
Wacky: WELL, HERE WE ARE IN PARIS, FRANCE! MEEP MEEP! Oww, my nose is bleeding!
Cassie: What are we doing here anyway? I mean, I did appreciate it when you sent me free plane tickets to France, I'm sure we all did...but why!?
Curiousa: Yeah, why?
Tisiphone: Yeah bitch, why?
Laker Girl: FRANCE!? You told me we were going to REPUBLICANLAND!
Mirah: There's no such place.
Curiousa: There is actually...it's called HELL!
(Curiousa and Tisphone high five.)
Laker Girl: DON'T FUCK WITH ME!
(She pulls out an AMERICAN GUN from between her breasts!)
Wacky: Whoah!
Cassie: Where'd you get that? Pretty nice!
Laker Girl: America, land of the free!
Mirah: You can't smuggle it into France between your breasts, surely?
Laker Girl: YES I CAN. It's my constitutional right!
Curiousa: We're in France!
Laker Girl: The part of the constitution about guns works in France too.
Tisiphone: No it doesn't!
Laker Girl: IT DOES!
(She shoots a round off into the air, killing a french pigeon!)
Tisiphone: Okay, maybe it does.
Wacky: ...anyway. The reason I brought you LADIES to France is because I want to open diplomatic relations with the French! Since it went as well in Japan...
Cassie: I heard a pair of giant hands killed dozens of Japanese people, you had to be saved by a deranged japanese archer girl, Menty was arrested on the flight home for headbutting a stewardess and Doctor Dave overdosed on pillz!
Wacky: Yep, couldn't have been better!
Tisiphone: Yeah, great plan Winky...let's go shopping!
Curiousa: Sod that, let's see if there's any FOOTBALL on. Have I ever mentioned that I like FOOTBALL! And FOOTBALLERS! And their balls! And their feet!
Laker Girl: Ah BDM, if only I were with you now...
(She's goes into a sexual dream sequence about BDM. Unfortunately we can't see it because the whole play is from Wacky's point of view. Oh well!)
Wacky: Yeah, so I brought the girls to Paris because I thought what better way to get horny french men to sign up than to let them have sex with you five!
Mirah: You've never even had anything resembling a girlfriend, have you?
Wacky: I've masturbated over Natalie Portman and Anna Paquin more times than anyone else in the world.
Mirah: So that's a no then.
(Curiousa and Tisiphone have wondered off to look in shops. Laker Girl is still dreaming about BDM. Mirah and Cassie looked bored.)
Cassie: So, umm, how exactly are we going to open diplomatic relations with the French then? I don't even see any!
Mirah: Yeah, where are they all? Is SOME HUGE EVENT going on which we'll only discover later!?
Wacky: Oh I'm sure some will turn up!
(They stand about twiddling their thumbs.)
Mirah: Christ now even my thumbs are getting tired.
Wacky: Let's take in some of the sights, girls! Look, there's the Eiffel tower. IT'S QUITE AN EYE-FULL, LOL!
Cassie: ...
(Laker Girl wakes up.)
Laker Girl: SHOOT THE MEXICANS, SHOOT THEM IN THE BRAINS...sorry, I was dreaming. A wonderful, beautiful dream...
Cassie: Do you think there's an internet cafe around here? Maybe they have broadband...
Laker Girl: In france? PFFFFT! They don't even have AMERICAN FREEDOM!
Mirah: Hey, I hear music...
Wacky: Oh who's interested in music, come on, let's look for the head of the French Internet Association! From prior experience she should be a small Japanese girl...
(Cassie, Mirah and Laker Girl run off after the music.)
Wacky: Come back!
(Wacky runs after them. They catch up with Curiosa and Tisiphone who are staring down a hill in disbelief. Wacky reaches the top of the hill too and his jaw drops. There's a bunch of NAKED FRENCH PEOPLE running through the streets below!)
Wacky: What the heck!?
Tisiphone: We just found out where all the french people are! They're having a NAKED FRENCH PARTY! With booze and cocaine and music and party hats and everything!
(Some walk by kicking a football.)
Curiousa: OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD...NAKED FRENCH FOOTBALL!!!!!!!
(Curiousa and Tisiphone start running after the naked frenchies. Mirah shrugs and follows.)
Mirah: I like nudity too!
Wacky: Hey, wait! We need to establish diplomatic relations with the french internet nerds! I need you girls to impress the nerds with your female breastses!
Mirah: Fuck that!
Tisiphone: Yeah, fuck it! They're going to have sex Wacky, SEX!
Wacky: I don't care about sex!
Curiousa: LOL!
(Mirah, Tisi and Curiousa skip away!)
Wacky: Cassie, you'll stay with me, won't you?
Cassie: I don't know...sex IS fun...
Laker Girl: Not to mention the cocaine! Even if it is french cocaine.
Wacky: Let's AT LEAST find out what's going on, okay?
(He grabs one of the naked frenchies. Laker Girl holds a gun to the frenchy's head.)
Wacky: YOU THERE. What's going on tonight?
Frenchy: Sacre bleu! You do not know, english pigdog?
Wacky: I'M A SCOTTISH PIGDOG!!!!
Frenchy: Whatever! You are all, how you say, sucking on Tony Blair's fat cock either way! Look you dogpig, we is having a party at the Louvre tonight! All the sexiest people in France having sex and eating cocaine all night long! And even YOU are invited! Now let me go, there's some cocaine there with my name on it! AND MY NAME IS JACQUES!
(Wacky lets him go.)
Laker Girl: Should I shoot him?
Wacky: No, let him live...let them all live...hey, the Louvre? I suppoe they'll all follow the ROSE LINE, eh? LOL!
(They stare at him blankly.)
Wacky: You know...the Da Vinci Code...
Cassie: Why are we standing here when we could be having sex?
Wacky: Oh come on! It's not THAT good, I'm sure! Anyway, surely I'm not the ONLY ONE with an OCD phobia for nudity, loud music, social interaction and cocaine?
Tisiphone(shouting from the distance): Pretty sure you are!
Wacky: SHUT UP, TRAITOR!
Laker Girl: Well Wacky, I'm not going either, I'll stay with you.
Wacky: You will? Aww!
Laker Girl: Yeah! I mean, I love sex and everything...but not with the french!
(A french guy who looks exactly like BDM runs by on his way to the party.)
Laker Girl: ...got to fly!
(She runs off after him.)
Wacky: Well looks like it's just you and me, Cassie.
Cassie: Wacky...I want to go to the party. Why don't you come too? You'll like sex if you give it a try!
Wacky: I won't! Anyway, we have a duty to the Mine Field...
Cassie: Wacky, forget the Mine Field. It's over. It's finished.
Wacky: How can you say that!?
Cassie: It was fun while it lasted, but I've found something better now, we all have, me, Curiousa, Mirah, Tisiphone who didn't get many lines, Laker Girl...we've found something better than spamming the Mine Field: meaningless sex with french guys!
Wacky: I'll never stop spamming...never!
Cassie: You've got accept it's over! You'll like being around people!
Wacky: I WON'T! I don't care about other people! When I'm around them I just want to start spamming, no matter what happens to them! The whole world feels wrong when I'm not spamming!
Cassie: I'm going...
Wacky: We weren't supposed to leave the Mine Field! You know it!
Cassie: We were Wacky...we were...
(He puts her hand on her face, pleading with his eyes.)
Cassie: I have to go, he'll be wondering where I am. The naked french guy I'm going to have sex with, that is.
Wacky: No, wait! We have to go back, Cassie! We have to go back to the Mine Field!
(She starts to walk away then looks back to him, sadly. She turns and starts walking down the hill now, without looking back.)
Wacky: WE HAVE TO GO BACK, CASSIE! WE HAVE TO GO BACK!
(A plane takes off right behind Wacky, FOR SOME REASON!)
FIN
Wacky: Well here we are in Paris, France!
Tisiphone: We know, Wacky.
Wacky: THE CITY OF LOVE!
Mirah: ...Child.
Wacky: What? Don't call me a child, you big poopy-pants!
Mirah: No...love...child...it's one of my names. It was a pun. Sort of.
Wacky: Oh. I get puns! HEHE!
(He starts inappropriately tickling her ribs. She punches him in the face.)
Mirah: Please don't touch me.
Wacky: WELL, HERE WE ARE IN PARIS, FRANCE! MEEP MEEP! Oww, my nose is bleeding!
Cassie: What are we doing here anyway? I mean, I did appreciate it when you sent me free plane tickets to France, I'm sure we all did...but why!?
Curiousa: Yeah, why?
Tisiphone: Yeah bitch, why?
Laker Girl: FRANCE!? You told me we were going to REPUBLICANLAND!
Mirah: There's no such place.
Curiousa: There is actually...it's called HELL!
(Curiousa and Tisphone high five.)
Laker Girl: DON'T FUCK WITH ME!
(She pulls out an AMERICAN GUN from between her breasts!)
Wacky: Whoah!
Cassie: Where'd you get that? Pretty nice!
Laker Girl: America, land of the free!
Mirah: You can't smuggle it into France between your breasts, surely?
Laker Girl: YES I CAN. It's my constitutional right!
Curiousa: We're in France!
Laker Girl: The part of the constitution about guns works in France too.
Tisiphone: No it doesn't!
Laker Girl: IT DOES!
(She shoots a round off into the air, killing a french pigeon!)
Tisiphone: Okay, maybe it does.
Wacky: ...anyway. The reason I brought you LADIES to France is because I want to open diplomatic relations with the French! Since it went as well in Japan...
Cassie: I heard a pair of giant hands killed dozens of Japanese people, you had to be saved by a deranged japanese archer girl, Menty was arrested on the flight home for headbutting a stewardess and Doctor Dave overdosed on pillz!
Wacky: Yep, couldn't have been better!
Tisiphone: Yeah, great plan Winky...let's go shopping!
Curiousa: Sod that, let's see if there's any FOOTBALL on. Have I ever mentioned that I like FOOTBALL! And FOOTBALLERS! And their balls! And their feet!
Laker Girl: Ah BDM, if only I were with you now...
(She's goes into a sexual dream sequence about BDM. Unfortunately we can't see it because the whole play is from Wacky's point of view. Oh well!)
Wacky: Yeah, so I brought the girls to Paris because I thought what better way to get horny french men to sign up than to let them have sex with you five!
Mirah: You've never even had anything resembling a girlfriend, have you?
Wacky: I've masturbated over Natalie Portman and Anna Paquin more times than anyone else in the world.
Mirah: So that's a no then.
(Curiousa and Tisiphone have wondered off to look in shops. Laker Girl is still dreaming about BDM. Mirah and Cassie looked bored.)
Cassie: So, umm, how exactly are we going to open diplomatic relations with the French then? I don't even see any!
Mirah: Yeah, where are they all? Is SOME HUGE EVENT going on which we'll only discover later!?
Wacky: Oh I'm sure some will turn up!
(They stand about twiddling their thumbs.)
Mirah: Christ now even my thumbs are getting tired.
Wacky: Let's take in some of the sights, girls! Look, there's the Eiffel tower. IT'S QUITE AN EYE-FULL, LOL!
Cassie: ...
(Laker Girl wakes up.)
Laker Girl: SHOOT THE MEXICANS, SHOOT THEM IN THE BRAINS...sorry, I was dreaming. A wonderful, beautiful dream...
Cassie: Do you think there's an internet cafe around here? Maybe they have broadband...
Laker Girl: In france? PFFFFT! They don't even have AMERICAN FREEDOM!
Mirah: Hey, I hear music...
Wacky: Oh who's interested in music, come on, let's look for the head of the French Internet Association! From prior experience she should be a small Japanese girl...
(Cassie, Mirah and Laker Girl run off after the music.)
Wacky: Come back!
(Wacky runs after them. They catch up with Curiosa and Tisiphone who are staring down a hill in disbelief. Wacky reaches the top of the hill too and his jaw drops. There's a bunch of NAKED FRENCH PEOPLE running through the streets below!)
Wacky: What the heck!?
Tisiphone: We just found out where all the french people are! They're having a NAKED FRENCH PARTY! With booze and cocaine and music and party hats and everything!
(Some walk by kicking a football.)
Curiousa: OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD...NAKED FRENCH FOOTBALL!!!!!!!
(Curiousa and Tisiphone start running after the naked frenchies. Mirah shrugs and follows.)
Mirah: I like nudity too!
Wacky: Hey, wait! We need to establish diplomatic relations with the french internet nerds! I need you girls to impress the nerds with your female breastses!
Mirah: Fuck that!
Tisiphone: Yeah, fuck it! They're going to have sex Wacky, SEX!
Wacky: I don't care about sex!
Curiousa: LOL!
(Mirah, Tisi and Curiousa skip away!)
Wacky: Cassie, you'll stay with me, won't you?
Cassie: I don't know...sex IS fun...
Laker Girl: Not to mention the cocaine! Even if it is french cocaine.
Wacky: Let's AT LEAST find out what's going on, okay?
(He grabs one of the naked frenchies. Laker Girl holds a gun to the frenchy's head.)
Wacky: YOU THERE. What's going on tonight?
Frenchy: Sacre bleu! You do not know, english pigdog?
Wacky: I'M A SCOTTISH PIGDOG!!!!
Frenchy: Whatever! You are all, how you say, sucking on Tony Blair's fat cock either way! Look you dogpig, we is having a party at the Louvre tonight! All the sexiest people in France having sex and eating cocaine all night long! And even YOU are invited! Now let me go, there's some cocaine there with my name on it! AND MY NAME IS JACQUES!
(Wacky lets him go.)
Laker Girl: Should I shoot him?
Wacky: No, let him live...let them all live...hey, the Louvre? I suppoe they'll all follow the ROSE LINE, eh? LOL!
(They stare at him blankly.)
Wacky: You know...the Da Vinci Code...
Cassie: Why are we standing here when we could be having sex?
Wacky: Oh come on! It's not THAT good, I'm sure! Anyway, surely I'm not the ONLY ONE with an OCD phobia for nudity, loud music, social interaction and cocaine?
Tisiphone(shouting from the distance): Pretty sure you are!
Wacky: SHUT UP, TRAITOR!
Laker Girl: Well Wacky, I'm not going either, I'll stay with you.
Wacky: You will? Aww!
Laker Girl: Yeah! I mean, I love sex and everything...but not with the french!
(A french guy who looks exactly like BDM runs by on his way to the party.)
Laker Girl: ...got to fly!
(She runs off after him.)
Wacky: Well looks like it's just you and me, Cassie.
Cassie: Wacky...I want to go to the party. Why don't you come too? You'll like sex if you give it a try!
Wacky: I won't! Anyway, we have a duty to the Mine Field...
Cassie: Wacky, forget the Mine Field. It's over. It's finished.
Wacky: How can you say that!?
Cassie: It was fun while it lasted, but I've found something better now, we all have, me, Curiousa, Mirah, Tisiphone who didn't get many lines, Laker Girl...we've found something better than spamming the Mine Field: meaningless sex with french guys!
Wacky: I'll never stop spamming...never!
Cassie: You've got accept it's over! You'll like being around people!
Wacky: I WON'T! I don't care about other people! When I'm around them I just want to start spamming, no matter what happens to them! The whole world feels wrong when I'm not spamming!
Cassie: I'm going...
Wacky: We weren't supposed to leave the Mine Field! You know it!
Cassie: We were Wacky...we were...
(He puts her hand on her face, pleading with his eyes.)
Cassie: I have to go, he'll be wondering where I am. The naked french guy I'm going to have sex with, that is.
Wacky: No, wait! We have to go back, Cassie! We have to go back to the Mine Field!
(She starts to walk away then looks back to him, sadly. She turns and starts walking down the hill now, without looking back.)
Wacky: WE HAVE TO GO BACK, CASSIE! WE HAVE TO GO BACK!
(A plane takes off right behind Wacky, FOR SOME REASON!)
FIN
