CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(CaptainWacky, Eggs Mayonnaise, Mentalist, Seph and Tisiphone appear on the moon.)
Wacky: Well, here we are on the moon...wait, what? I was just spamming the Mine Field and suddenly I'm here!
Mentalist: I was just chokeslamming Duffy off my roof and now I'm here!
Tisiphone: I was in bed with an unmarried man - well, he took his ring off right before so I assumed his wife was dead or something...even though he said he had to hurry to get back to his wife...but maybe he meant visit her grave - and suddenly I'm here!
Eggs: What the fuck's going on!? I was at the computer, busy with WORK, WORK, FUCKING WORKING, IT JUST KEEPS PILING UP AND UP, FUCK, TOO MUCH WORK, GOING MAD, DROWNING IN A PIT OF DESPAIR and now I'm on the moon! So that's not too bad, then!
Seph: Fucking hell, what did I take today? Was only my usual thousands mills of protrampoline. I can't be hallucinating. Fuck, am I sober? Is this what it's like to be sober, you think you're on the moon? Fuck that for a game of baby biting.
Menty: Why is the mingyhole gravity the same as normal?
Tisiphone: Good question, shouldn't my tits be floating? And the rest of me?
Eggs: No one cares about tits, Tisi!
Wacky, Menty, Seph: We do, actually.
Eggs: Look, we need to figure out how we got on the moon and get off! Any ideas?
Menty: Maybe Bill Odie abducted us.
Wacky: Or Paul Daniels.
Seph: Or Jordan's retard kid.
Eggs: No, no British thing I don't get! Hang on, did you hear that!? There's something under the surface...
Tisi: It sounds like...people
Eggs: Maybe it's twinks!
Seph: I hope it's not babies, fucking hate those cunts...
Wacky: What if it's evil aliens that took us here to rape us and murder us, in that order? Or the other order? We should block up the craters so they can't get out!
Menty: There's two circular crators here, but I don't know how to block them up...
Tisi: I know.
(Tisi kneels over and blocks the crators with her tits.)
Seph: Right, now Tisi's got her tits in those crators it's time to find the drugs.
Eggs: We're on the moon. You'd have a better chance of find a straight guy in theatre.
Menty: What about the moon dust?
Wacky: You can't snort that!
Seph: We can try. If you can snort it you can abort it as my dear old gran used to say before I shot her.
Menty: Didn't we do moon dust back in 1999 anyway?
Seph: Whole year's a bit chalky in my mind, mate.
Menty: Remember, when we used to steal apples from old Farmer Maggot's garden then make out with his daughters and snort moon dust?
Seph: Oh yeah. Whatever happened to old Maggot?
Menty: You killed him!
Seph: Oh yeah. Good times, great crimes.
(They start snorting moon dust.)
Eggs: This is all a bit weird.
Wacky: Yeah, but at least Tisi's tits are stopping the aliens...
Tisi: MY TITS CANNAE HOLD THEM MUCH LONGER...
(Tisi's tits POP OUT of the moon crators.)
Eggs: OH SHIT.
(TOMTREK, FUDDLEMIFF, WHISKY, DR DAVE, HEADVOID and FBI PARTE DUE jump out.)
Wacky: Oh. Shit.
Tomtrek: It's me: Tomtrek! And also them.
Eggs: What were you guys doing in there?
Fuddlemiff: We all just appeared on the moon, in that crator.
FBI: We tried to get out, but there were tits there. I thought they were GILLIAN ANDERSON's tits. But they're Tisi.
Tomtrek: So we punched our way out.
Tisi: Oh, that explains the mysterious bruises on my tits!
Dr Dave: I punched the left tit. It was fun. I'd do it again.
FBI: Are we on the moon? Or the set of JOE NINETY?
Wacky: It's the moon. We can probably see the Earth from here, actually. It's strange none of us have looked yet...
Seph: Ah yes, we'll be able to recognise it from that mountain of dead burning babies they have in Africa, the only man-made structure visible from the moon.
Tomtrek: I heard MICHELLE TRACHTENBERG is the only person visible from the moon. Sometime to do with her physical perfection...
Eggs: WELL LET'S ALL JUST HURRY UP AND LOOK OR ELSE I'LL BE ABLE TO SEE THE PILE OF WORK, WORK, FUCKING WORK.
(They all look at the Earth. But something is WRONG.)
Tomtrek: I can't see Michelle!
Seph: And I can't see the Africa baby moutain. Just the word "CUNT" burned into Africa in nuclear blasts. Strange, but pretty.
Mysterious Voice: HAHAHAHAH, FOOLS.
(They all spin round to see A SECOND CAPTAIN WACKY appear...but this one is OLDER than the real Wacky and HALF ROBOT. We'll call him ROBOT WACKY.)
Robot Wacky: NOW you understand at last!
Fuddlemiff: Umm, not really.
Robot Wacky: It is I, CaptainWacky, BUT FROM YOUR FUTURE. You see I found a way to cheat death by becoming HALF ROBOT and have lived here on the moon for the last one hundred years, while the Earth destroyed itself! I used my TIME-PLUCK device to PLUCK you all from your own time and bring you here as the Mine Fielders are the oly friends I've ever had!
Dr Dave: I see.
FBI: But what about the MFers who aren't here like Gagh and Henoch? AND ROD HULL?
Robot Wacky: Oh, they all materialised on the Dark Side of the moon, I guess!
Menty: Not good for Henoch. He hates black people.
Robot Wacky: Now you will stay with me forever!
Seph: Not if we chib you, slag.
Robot Wacky: Ha! I have an ANTI CHIBBING SHIELD!
(Suddenly, SOMEONE tickles Robot Wacky's feet from underneath. His ANTI CHIBBING SHIELD drops somehow. The person jumps out the crator...it's Cassie!)
Cassie: I always wanted to tickle Wacky's little feetles. But not that EVIL ROBOT WACKY MOFO!
Whisky: It's chibbering time!
(Everyone CHIBS Robot Wacky while the real Wacky just watches, shocked. GAGH comes riding over the hill on a motorbike with a big chib.)
Gagh: FOR GAGHDASSIA!!!!! AND FOR JUNKYARD DOG, REMEMBER THAT TIME HE ATE AL SNOW'S DOG PEPPER BUT IT WAS ACTUALLY JAKE THE SNAKE'S SNAKE MISTER SNAKEY WHO WAS REALLY JUST HULK HOGAN'S SPARE PENIS?
(Gagh chibs Robot Wacky REALLY HARD and he shuts down.)
Menty: What now?
Eggs: Chib the real Wacky?
Tisi: Yes. It's the only way to make sure he doesn't grow up to be that monster.
Headvoid: I have asked the scales of justice. They say chib Wacky.
Seph: Then we'll dig up his gran and chib her if we've got time.
(They all advance on Wacky.)
Wacky: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(SUDDENLY Wacky WAKES UP in bed. It was all a dream!)
Wacky: It was all a dream! We didn't go to the moon at all!
(He rolls over. ROBOT WACKY is in bed with him.)
Robot Wacky: I'd like to test that theory.
Wacky: YOU!
Robot Wacky: If we have sex, is it incest or masturbation?
Wacky: Let's find out!
THE END
Wacky: Well, here we are on the moon...wait, what? I was just spamming the Mine Field and suddenly I'm here!
Mentalist: I was just chokeslamming Duffy off my roof and now I'm here!
Tisiphone: I was in bed with an unmarried man - well, he took his ring off right before so I assumed his wife was dead or something...even though he said he had to hurry to get back to his wife...but maybe he meant visit her grave - and suddenly I'm here!
Eggs: What the fuck's going on!? I was at the computer, busy with WORK, WORK, FUCKING WORKING, IT JUST KEEPS PILING UP AND UP, FUCK, TOO MUCH WORK, GOING MAD, DROWNING IN A PIT OF DESPAIR and now I'm on the moon! So that's not too bad, then!
Seph: Fucking hell, what did I take today? Was only my usual thousands mills of protrampoline. I can't be hallucinating. Fuck, am I sober? Is this what it's like to be sober, you think you're on the moon? Fuck that for a game of baby biting.
Menty: Why is the mingyhole gravity the same as normal?
Tisiphone: Good question, shouldn't my tits be floating? And the rest of me?
Eggs: No one cares about tits, Tisi!
Wacky, Menty, Seph: We do, actually.
Eggs: Look, we need to figure out how we got on the moon and get off! Any ideas?
Menty: Maybe Bill Odie abducted us.
Wacky: Or Paul Daniels.
Seph: Or Jordan's retard kid.
Eggs: No, no British thing I don't get! Hang on, did you hear that!? There's something under the surface...
Tisi: It sounds like...people
Eggs: Maybe it's twinks!
Seph: I hope it's not babies, fucking hate those cunts...
Wacky: What if it's evil aliens that took us here to rape us and murder us, in that order? Or the other order? We should block up the craters so they can't get out!
Menty: There's two circular crators here, but I don't know how to block them up...
Tisi: I know.
(Tisi kneels over and blocks the crators with her tits.)
Seph: Right, now Tisi's got her tits in those crators it's time to find the drugs.
Eggs: We're on the moon. You'd have a better chance of find a straight guy in theatre.
Menty: What about the moon dust?
Wacky: You can't snort that!
Seph: We can try. If you can snort it you can abort it as my dear old gran used to say before I shot her.
Menty: Didn't we do moon dust back in 1999 anyway?
Seph: Whole year's a bit chalky in my mind, mate.
Menty: Remember, when we used to steal apples from old Farmer Maggot's garden then make out with his daughters and snort moon dust?
Seph: Oh yeah. Whatever happened to old Maggot?
Menty: You killed him!
Seph: Oh yeah. Good times, great crimes.
(They start snorting moon dust.)
Eggs: This is all a bit weird.
Wacky: Yeah, but at least Tisi's tits are stopping the aliens...
Tisi: MY TITS CANNAE HOLD THEM MUCH LONGER...
(Tisi's tits POP OUT of the moon crators.)
Eggs: OH SHIT.
(TOMTREK, FUDDLEMIFF, WHISKY, DR DAVE, HEADVOID and FBI PARTE DUE jump out.)
Wacky: Oh. Shit.
Tomtrek: It's me: Tomtrek! And also them.
Eggs: What were you guys doing in there?
Fuddlemiff: We all just appeared on the moon, in that crator.
FBI: We tried to get out, but there were tits there. I thought they were GILLIAN ANDERSON's tits. But they're Tisi.
Tomtrek: So we punched our way out.
Tisi: Oh, that explains the mysterious bruises on my tits!
Dr Dave: I punched the left tit. It was fun. I'd do it again.
FBI: Are we on the moon? Or the set of JOE NINETY?
Wacky: It's the moon. We can probably see the Earth from here, actually. It's strange none of us have looked yet...
Seph: Ah yes, we'll be able to recognise it from that mountain of dead burning babies they have in Africa, the only man-made structure visible from the moon.
Tomtrek: I heard MICHELLE TRACHTENBERG is the only person visible from the moon. Sometime to do with her physical perfection...
Eggs: WELL LET'S ALL JUST HURRY UP AND LOOK OR ELSE I'LL BE ABLE TO SEE THE PILE OF WORK, WORK, FUCKING WORK.
(They all look at the Earth. But something is WRONG.)
Tomtrek: I can't see Michelle!
Seph: And I can't see the Africa baby moutain. Just the word "CUNT" burned into Africa in nuclear blasts. Strange, but pretty.
Mysterious Voice: HAHAHAHAH, FOOLS.
(They all spin round to see A SECOND CAPTAIN WACKY appear...but this one is OLDER than the real Wacky and HALF ROBOT. We'll call him ROBOT WACKY.)
Robot Wacky: NOW you understand at last!
Fuddlemiff: Umm, not really.
Robot Wacky: It is I, CaptainWacky, BUT FROM YOUR FUTURE. You see I found a way to cheat death by becoming HALF ROBOT and have lived here on the moon for the last one hundred years, while the Earth destroyed itself! I used my TIME-PLUCK device to PLUCK you all from your own time and bring you here as the Mine Fielders are the oly friends I've ever had!
Dr Dave: I see.
FBI: But what about the MFers who aren't here like Gagh and Henoch? AND ROD HULL?
Robot Wacky: Oh, they all materialised on the Dark Side of the moon, I guess!
Menty: Not good for Henoch. He hates black people.
Robot Wacky: Now you will stay with me forever!
Seph: Not if we chib you, slag.
Robot Wacky: Ha! I have an ANTI CHIBBING SHIELD!
(Suddenly, SOMEONE tickles Robot Wacky's feet from underneath. His ANTI CHIBBING SHIELD drops somehow. The person jumps out the crator...it's Cassie!)
Cassie: I always wanted to tickle Wacky's little feetles. But not that EVIL ROBOT WACKY MOFO!
Whisky: It's chibbering time!
(Everyone CHIBS Robot Wacky while the real Wacky just watches, shocked. GAGH comes riding over the hill on a motorbike with a big chib.)
Gagh: FOR GAGHDASSIA!!!!! AND FOR JUNKYARD DOG, REMEMBER THAT TIME HE ATE AL SNOW'S DOG PEPPER BUT IT WAS ACTUALLY JAKE THE SNAKE'S SNAKE MISTER SNAKEY WHO WAS REALLY JUST HULK HOGAN'S SPARE PENIS?
(Gagh chibs Robot Wacky REALLY HARD and he shuts down.)
Menty: What now?
Eggs: Chib the real Wacky?
Tisi: Yes. It's the only way to make sure he doesn't grow up to be that monster.
Headvoid: I have asked the scales of justice. They say chib Wacky.
Seph: Then we'll dig up his gran and chib her if we've got time.
(They all advance on Wacky.)
Wacky: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(SUDDENLY Wacky WAKES UP in bed. It was all a dream!)
Wacky: It was all a dream! We didn't go to the moon at all!
(He rolls over. ROBOT WACKY is in bed with him.)
Robot Wacky: I'd like to test that theory.
Wacky: YOU!
Robot Wacky: If we have sex, is it incest or masturbation?
Wacky: Let's find out!
THE END
