SuN
.:~**~.~**~.~**~:.
This is my final post on FCF. I thought before I disappeared permanently I'd give everyone (that's interested) a final word from me.
Within less than a month, my life has become an endless downward spiral of emotional agony and hardship. About 3 weeks ago, I received an email from my college that my normally renewable $10000 scholarship will be discontinued indefinitely, just one year from graduating with my degree. I won't be able to pay for my tuition next year due to economic troubles and my lack of credit. My future is now more uncertain than it ever was.
My handicapped brother who has within the past few months developed a severe case of schizophrenia is now so drugged up he doesn't recognize his own family and will soon be institutionalized for his condition.
My great aunt recently had a stroke so severe it's rendered her comatose and very possibly on her death bed for a 79 year old woman with a history of heart problems. The prospect of attending a funeral for another relative is devastating enough.
Business at my current employment has become so ridiculously slow that I'm almost certain to be laid off within the month, especially considering my diminished work ethic over the past few days for obvious reasons. Money simply doesn't hold much value to me anymore...
Now all of these things I was sure I could have handled somehow, so long as the final straw hadn't been pulled, though it was. I'm sure by now all of you know what straw that was. It's left me depressed and inconsolable for the past several days...but even since our break up I somehow held out a last shred of hope that I could, after a time remain friends with Bex and everyone else, until today.
I've seen this thread, and with it the final blow has been dealt. I won't deny any of it, because unfortunately it is all true. A long time ago I was a very weak minded individual, paranoid and doubtful of everything. At that time I was never fully convinced that a girl as beautiful, amazing, and simply perfect as Bex was and is could ever truly love me, someone so undesirable in every way as I saw myself. I committed horrible acts; despicable, lewd, and utterly unforgivable acts of infidelity. I was a fool to think my guilt would ever be contained, as if I deserved to harbor such a disgusting secret from everyone, especially the one I loved. However, although I regretted everything I had done with the utmost disdain for myself, I knew it would be easier to live with my guilt than to have to live without her love.
Even so, it was still very hard to live with, as Channy would repeatedly blackmail me with threats of revealing everything if I didn't conform to her wishes. I felt like a slave, trapped and helpless. I tried to make peace several times to avoid it but I knew eventually the pressure would give way. I wanted to tell Bex everything myself, and end our relationship so that I wouldn't drag her along, but I was still weak, scared and selfish. I wanted to make things work because I knew I couldn't afford to lose her. She was everything to me, always.
When Channy told Bex in April of '08, I was sure my relationship was over, and the pain of heartbreak began to set in. However, Channy left out certain points, and Bex not realizing how seriously I had disgraced her, for reasons not entirely clear, remained with me. I knew I was not deserving of her continued friendship let alone love, but it was granted to me as if by some miracle of fate. With our relationship still intact, I made a vow to her and myself to devote my life to her happiness. I knew I could never erase the past, but I hoped to build a brighter future and be the absolute best man any woman could ever ask for, because Bex deserved nothing less than that. Over the next 10 months I spent thousands of dollars to travel to England to see her, bought her expensive jewelery as thoughtful gifts always personalizing my love to her through them, spent countless hours making sure I was available to her whenever she needed me, devoting every minute I was online to her, listening and consoling and advising and loving her. I knew in my heart she loved me, and that was all I needed to give my 100% to hear everyday. Texting, calling, messaging, and at the same time allowing her plenty of breathing room, I never smothered her with affection like I'd done in the past, she was never very receptive to that.
As our two year anniversary passed, I was as content with life as I'd ever been. I'd worked hard to rebuild the trust between Bex and I, everything seemed like a dream, I was saving a lot of money very much in anticipation of our meet this summer, which we planned to be longer and far grander than the last. I was doing well in school, life was as perfect as I could hope for. The past seemed a distant, insignificant memory that couldn't touch us any longer.
Since April, Bex changed me so dramatically, she became the driving force in my life that allowed me gain more confidence and believe in myself. She is every reason why I became so happy and felt so fulfilled during that time. Without her temperance, guidance, and faith in me, I would never have made it this far.
Then last Sunday it all came crashing down. And now today the final nail has been driven into my coffin. I know a lot if not all of you have at least lost all respect for me, and as well you should have. I know some of you now hate me, or no longer consider me the friend you once did. No apologetic sincerity will ever be worth an ounce of forgiveness for what I've done. I had always feared my sins would return to visit me, and the cost is more than I can bear. There is no joy left in my life, but that is not a grievance, because I have no right to grieve. All that has transpired is no one's fault but my own. I can assure you I am not the weak man I once was, at least I wasn't until she left me, but I suppose it was inevitable. One way or another I was fated to this conclusion because of the horribly poor choices of my past.
I'm quite sure I will be the subject of much humiliating internet comedy long after I'm gone. I can't help that, and I probably deserve every bit of it. I'm sure somewhere in Canada, Channy and Ist are celebrating some sort of victory with alcohol and sex. I wish I could hate them, yet the only one to blame here ultimately is myself. Congratulations Channy, Ist; you won the war, I'm sure you feel your ban is well worth ruining your enemy's life.
I had thought of making a fresh start. Returning to the forum after a period of time, remaining friends with Bex, and all of you. But that no longer seems possible. So I hereby take my leave of the internet. You will likely never see or hear from me again. Personally if I were in the position of any of you my words would be 'good riddance', and I'm sure a fair few of you are thinking that.
I've made a lot of amazing friends over the past few years I've been with ACF, FCF, and everywhere in between. I will miss a lot of you truly, and wish you all the best in life. Alex, Sheena, Adri, Aaron, Brent, Christian, Dustin, Scott, Tasha, Chris, Reg, Joe, Alexx, Greg, Rose, Dave, Kelsey, and anyone else I've carelessly forgotten in my crushed mental state. For what it's worth, I considered you all friends, whether I knew you irl or not, and I'm sorry this is how we must part ways.
Above all else I will miss Bex. The light and love of my life. You are honestly the most beautiful person on this planet in my eyes, in every way. You are so talented, funny, intelligent, mature, faithful, sensible, and the ensuing list would make this post impossible to complete were I to enumerate every detail. You showed me an honest and true love I'm sure I will never find again, and I don't want to, unless it's with you. If I could turn back time I would loop these past two years with you for all eternity, of course doing many things differently, correcting errors of judgment and character I should have never made. You are truly the most amazing person I've ever met. If my heart is ever to be mended again, it will only be done through your love, which I do not deserve and am sure never to experience again. I'm sorry for every bit of pain I've caused you, I was certainly not the best man a girl could want, although I tried, I tried so hard. If there's any consolation I can find now, it's that you follow your heart and dreams, and find the happiness I found when I was with you. I still hold true to that solemn vow. I know this romantic rhetoric doesn't amount to much in your eyes, nor anyone's, but it's just what I need to say if I'm ever going to make peace with myself, and everyone who bothers to read all of this.
This is my final goodbye. I've deleted msn and skype from my computer, and stripped my facebook account. I've asked a friend to forward a request that my account here be banned and if possible, deleted. Farewell everyone.
Goodbye Bex. I love you, I always have and always will.
„
— Clearly this man has very little to do with his life now that he lost the one thing that made him cling to the internets so desperately.
Within less than a month, my life has become an endless downward spiral of emotional agony and hardship. About 3 weeks ago, I received an email from my college that my normally renewable $10000 scholarship will be discontinued indefinitely, just one year from graduating with my degree. I won't be able to pay for my tuition next year due to economic troubles and my lack of credit. My future is now more uncertain than it ever was.
My handicapped brother who has within the past few months developed a severe case of schizophrenia is now so drugged up he doesn't recognize his own family and will soon be institutionalized for his condition.
My great aunt recently had a stroke so severe it's rendered her comatose and very possibly on her death bed for a 79 year old woman with a history of heart problems. The prospect of attending a funeral for another relative is devastating enough.
Business at my current employment has become so ridiculously slow that I'm almost certain to be laid off within the month, especially considering my diminished work ethic over the past few days for obvious reasons. Money simply doesn't hold much value to me anymore...
Now all of these things I was sure I could have handled somehow, so long as the final straw hadn't been pulled, though it was. I'm sure by now all of you know what straw that was. It's left me depressed and inconsolable for the past several days...but even since our break up I somehow held out a last shred of hope that I could, after a time remain friends with Bex and everyone else, until today.
I've seen this thread, and with it the final blow has been dealt. I won't deny any of it, because unfortunately it is all true. A long time ago I was a very weak minded individual, paranoid and doubtful of everything. At that time I was never fully convinced that a girl as beautiful, amazing, and simply perfect as Bex was and is could ever truly love me, someone so undesirable in every way as I saw myself. I committed horrible acts; despicable, lewd, and utterly unforgivable acts of infidelity. I was a fool to think my guilt would ever be contained, as if I deserved to harbor such a disgusting secret from everyone, especially the one I loved. However, although I regretted everything I had done with the utmost disdain for myself, I knew it would be easier to live with my guilt than to have to live without her love.
Even so, it was still very hard to live with, as Channy would repeatedly blackmail me with threats of revealing everything if I didn't conform to her wishes. I felt like a slave, trapped and helpless. I tried to make peace several times to avoid it but I knew eventually the pressure would give way. I wanted to tell Bex everything myself, and end our relationship so that I wouldn't drag her along, but I was still weak, scared and selfish. I wanted to make things work because I knew I couldn't afford to lose her. She was everything to me, always.
When Channy told Bex in April of '08, I was sure my relationship was over, and the pain of heartbreak began to set in. However, Channy left out certain points, and Bex not realizing how seriously I had disgraced her, for reasons not entirely clear, remained with me. I knew I was not deserving of her continued friendship let alone love, but it was granted to me as if by some miracle of fate. With our relationship still intact, I made a vow to her and myself to devote my life to her happiness. I knew I could never erase the past, but I hoped to build a brighter future and be the absolute best man any woman could ever ask for, because Bex deserved nothing less than that. Over the next 10 months I spent thousands of dollars to travel to England to see her, bought her expensive jewelery as thoughtful gifts always personalizing my love to her through them, spent countless hours making sure I was available to her whenever she needed me, devoting every minute I was online to her, listening and consoling and advising and loving her. I knew in my heart she loved me, and that was all I needed to give my 100% to hear everyday. Texting, calling, messaging, and at the same time allowing her plenty of breathing room, I never smothered her with affection like I'd done in the past, she was never very receptive to that.
As our two year anniversary passed, I was as content with life as I'd ever been. I'd worked hard to rebuild the trust between Bex and I, everything seemed like a dream, I was saving a lot of money very much in anticipation of our meet this summer, which we planned to be longer and far grander than the last. I was doing well in school, life was as perfect as I could hope for. The past seemed a distant, insignificant memory that couldn't touch us any longer.
Since April, Bex changed me so dramatically, she became the driving force in my life that allowed me gain more confidence and believe in myself. She is every reason why I became so happy and felt so fulfilled during that time. Without her temperance, guidance, and faith in me, I would never have made it this far.
Then last Sunday it all came crashing down. And now today the final nail has been driven into my coffin. I know a lot if not all of you have at least lost all respect for me, and as well you should have. I know some of you now hate me, or no longer consider me the friend you once did. No apologetic sincerity will ever be worth an ounce of forgiveness for what I've done. I had always feared my sins would return to visit me, and the cost is more than I can bear. There is no joy left in my life, but that is not a grievance, because I have no right to grieve. All that has transpired is no one's fault but my own. I can assure you I am not the weak man I once was, at least I wasn't until she left me, but I suppose it was inevitable. One way or another I was fated to this conclusion because of the horribly poor choices of my past.
I'm quite sure I will be the subject of much humiliating internet comedy long after I'm gone. I can't help that, and I probably deserve every bit of it. I'm sure somewhere in Canada, Channy and Ist are celebrating some sort of victory with alcohol and sex. I wish I could hate them, yet the only one to blame here ultimately is myself. Congratulations Channy, Ist; you won the war, I'm sure you feel your ban is well worth ruining your enemy's life.
I had thought of making a fresh start. Returning to the forum after a period of time, remaining friends with Bex, and all of you. But that no longer seems possible. So I hereby take my leave of the internet. You will likely never see or hear from me again. Personally if I were in the position of any of you my words would be 'good riddance', and I'm sure a fair few of you are thinking that.
I've made a lot of amazing friends over the past few years I've been with ACF, FCF, and everywhere in between. I will miss a lot of you truly, and wish you all the best in life. Alex, Sheena, Adri, Aaron, Brent, Christian, Dustin, Scott, Tasha, Chris, Reg, Joe, Alexx, Greg, Rose, Dave, Kelsey, and anyone else I've carelessly forgotten in my crushed mental state. For what it's worth, I considered you all friends, whether I knew you irl or not, and I'm sorry this is how we must part ways.
Above all else I will miss Bex. The light and love of my life. You are honestly the most beautiful person on this planet in my eyes, in every way. You are so talented, funny, intelligent, mature, faithful, sensible, and the ensuing list would make this post impossible to complete were I to enumerate every detail. You showed me an honest and true love I'm sure I will never find again, and I don't want to, unless it's with you. If I could turn back time I would loop these past two years with you for all eternity, of course doing many things differently, correcting errors of judgment and character I should have never made. You are truly the most amazing person I've ever met. If my heart is ever to be mended again, it will only be done through your love, which I do not deserve and am sure never to experience again. I'm sorry for every bit of pain I've caused you, I was certainly not the best man a girl could want, although I tried, I tried so hard. If there's any consolation I can find now, it's that you follow your heart and dreams, and find the happiness I found when I was with you. I still hold true to that solemn vow. I know this romantic rhetoric doesn't amount to much in your eyes, nor anyone's, but it's just what I need to say if I'm ever going to make peace with myself, and everyone who bothers to read all of this.
This is my final goodbye. I've deleted msn and skype from my computer, and stripped my facebook account. I've asked a friend to forward a request that my account here be banned and if possible, deleted. Farewell everyone.
Goodbye Bex. I love you, I always have and always will.
„
— Clearly this man has very little to do with his life now that he lost the one thing that made him cling to the internets so desperately.
