THE QUEEN'S DIAMOND JUBILEE PLANS IN FULL

[CaptainWacky]

STARTING TOMORROW WHEN SHE WILL TOUR BRITAIN RIDING HORSES ALL OVER BRITAIN BUT NOT IN SCOTLAND BECAUSE SHE FEARS ALEX SALMOND HAS TRAINED EVERY SCOTTISH HORSE TO THROW HER TO HER DEATH.

THEN ON SUNDAY HER FLOTILLA OF A MILLION SHIPS WILL SAIL DOWN THE THAMES AS THE QUEEN HAS A "GOLDEN SHOWER" CELEBRATION, INVITING HER PUBLIC TO URINATE ON HER FROM THE RIVERBANK, AS SHE DRINKS DOWN THE URINE AND HER POWER GROWS.

THEN ON MONDAY IT'S TIME FOR THE QUEEN TO PERFORM ALL HER HIT SOINGS ("ONE WILL ROCK YOU", "DON'T STOP ME NOW (BECAUSE I'M THE BLOODY QUEEN, MATE)" AND "THE SEX SONG") ON HER NEW QUEEN ARENA...EXCEPT THE ARENA DOESN'T PHYSICALLY EXIST AS IT WOULD COST TOO MUCH MONEY AND THE GOVERNMENT HAS LOST MILLIONS ON ITS PASTY TAX U-TURN SO SHE WILL IN FACT PERFORM IN FRONT OF A GREEN SCREEN AND THE NEW QUEEN ARENA WILL BE DIGITALLY MODELLED AND ADDED BY OUR VERY OWN FUDDLEMIFF AND HE PROMISES TO SNEAK THE WORD "NIMMYKNOCKERS" IN THERE SOMEWHERE!

THEN ON TUESDAY SHE WILL DRESS UP AS JUBILEE FROM THE X-MEN AND GET PISSED AND TRY TO SEDUCE HUGH JACKMAN.

IT'S GOING TO BE A SPIFFING CELEBRATION.

 

[NeonMercuryASH]

I'll bet

 

[Dr Dave]

DIAMOND JUBILLE TO BE A PLOT IN THE CASSIE AND TISIPHONE DETECTIVE TEAM ADVENTURE SEASON 3?

BY CORK POSSIBLY!

 

[Eggs Mayonnaise]

COO SHE ALREADY HAS ENOUGH DIAMONDS AINT SHE INNIT

 

[Fuddlemiff]

The stage I did the graphics for will be on ITV from 6:30 on Sunday.

Some more key notes from the press release:

LONDON
LONDON
LONDON
RAIN
LONDON ISN'T LONDON BRILLIANT NO WHERE ELSE EXISTS
FLOTILLA
RAIN RAIN GO AWAY ROUND THE TWIST
LONDON AGAIN
"OF COURSE HER HEART'S LITERALLY IN BALMORAL"
LONDON
LONDON
GETTIN DOWN TO LONDON
GOTTA MAKE IT FOR THE WEEKEND, WEEKEND
LONDON
LONDON
I'LL SEE MY FRIENDS LORD SMUGINGTON AND ZOMBIE LADY DIE
IT'S NOT EVEN THE REAL QUEEN SHE WAS REPLACED BY LIZARD BIBBY YEARS AGO
DON'T LET THEM TOUCH YOU!!!111

 

[Eggs Mayonnaise]

They can always bring in Helen Mirren as a backup if she gets tired.

 

[CaptainWacky]

SHIT, SHE'S ALREADY PISSED THREE DAYS EARLY...

 

[Dr Dave]

It's a known fact she is one of the lizard people.

 

[CaptainWacky]

THE QUEEN HAS DECIDED TO END THE CELEBRATIONS ONE WEEK FROM TODAY BY CLIMBING INSIDE HER HUNDRED FOOT TALL MECHA QUEEN BATTLESUIT AND FIGHTING GODZILLA IN LONDON TOWN.

"I'LL TRY NOT TO DESTROY TOO MUCH OF LONDON THIS TIME, TEE HEE!" SHE SAID, POSSIBLY THINKING OF THE THOUSANDS WHO PERSIHED IN HER BATTLE WITH MOTHRA.

 

[curiousa2z]

She was always thoughtful like that.

 

[Fuddlemiff]

ACTUAL FACT I just heard in the commentary for the Thames pageant.

John Barrowman was on the lead ship.

 

[The Tomtrek]

What would John Barrowman have to say about that.

 

[Fuddlemiff]

Pity he's not around here to tell us.

 

[CaptainWacky]

Ferne Cotton thinks it's "dead cool".

 

[CaptainWacky]

Can't she at least be a bit more enthusiastic with her waves?

 

[Eggs Mayonnaise]

She's right to be cautious. All Philip did was stand behind her and his bladder fell out.

 

[CaptainWacky]

91 year old man standing in the rain all day without a bathroom break. Who could have predicted that would end badly!

 

[jack]

Loving the Duchess' outfit for the parade.

 

[Eggs Mayonnaise]

She looks like a stewardess for Hades Airlines.

 

[Gagh]

^She looked fucking fit, despite one tabloid printing a pile of bile about how she was trying to upstage The Queen. Given that both women who penned like articles are fat, ugly, middle-aged bitches, we know what really motivated them.

I see Alex Salmond worked his way into The Abbey today, despite pushing for an Independent Scotland. Hypocritical fuck.