CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
He could kill himself.
It was a thought that Johnny would never normally allow to form in his mind. Every time he felt it coming, he changed the subject in his head, or does something crazy to distract himself. Once he'd punched a horse because he almost had a suicidal thought. The horse tried to kick him and all thoughts of suicide were gone. Johnny was always scared that if he did allow himself to think of suicide, he might actually go through with it. He was, after all, very impulsive.
But now, lying in a hospital bed, Johnny finally allowed himself to seriously consider suicide. He was too tried to come up with an alternative. He couldn't jump out of bed and make stupid noises, because his body hurt so much. So he really did think about it.
It was his brush with death that had got him thinking about it, naturally. He had been thinking about how he could have died when that car hit him, what life would be like if he HAD died...a silly thought, because if he was dead, he wouldn't be alive. He wouldn't exist. He wouldn't be Johnny Nose. He wouldn't have to be Johnny Nose all the time to protect himself from the realities of life. There would be no realities of life. There would be nothing! And he never would have even known about it. He could have died when that car hit him and not have had time to think about it. Gone, like that, in the blink of an eye. It scared him. It excited him.
Perhaps he would be better off dead. Perhaps the world would be better off with him dead. What did he add to the world, really? He lied to himself often, told himself he was the only sane person, the only smart person, the only one who really knew what was going on. But deep down he knew what utter crap that was. Johnny Nose was the mask he wore, a suit of armour that protected him from the truth. But the mask felt like it had been torn off. The suit of armour hadn't protected him from that car. He was nothing. He did nothing. He wasn't like anyone else, he had nothing to add to the world. Of course he didn't, if he had, he would have done so by now! He was just using up space...a waste of everybody's time, even his won. He really would be better off dead, the world really would be better off with him dead.
He was lying in a hospital bed waiting in terror for his parents to arrive. It had been three years since he last saw them. How could he kill himself before they got here? Pull himself up, jump out the window? It looked pretty secure. Even if he could, he would have time to think about it. Time to consider it fully, time to change his mind. No, he couldn't do that. Overdose then? He had been storing his pills...but he didn't have enough yet. He wasn't sure how many he would need, but he was pretty sure the three he had wouldn't be enough. What then? WHAT?
His cousin walked in. Too late. He would have to face them. He almost felt himself leave his body as she stepped over to him. It seemed to be happening to someone else.
"Johnny...your mum really wants to see you, but your dad...he's not...not ready. So they're waiting for a while...just a few days, I think. Then they'll come. I'm sorry I didn't bring them with me. I thought I'd come in anyway."
He was lost for words! A first time for everything, he supposed. Say something. Be Johnny Nose. He had to be, it was the only way. Johnny Nose had gotten him through life. There was no going back...there was nothing to go back to. He'd always been like this...wrong. Unable to feel the way the others did, unable to express himself like them. He looked at his cousin, her sweet slightly sad face smiling at him. Do something! Do something Johnny Nose would do! Saying something outrageous!
"Thank you," he said, weakly.
It was a thought that Johnny would never normally allow to form in his mind. Every time he felt it coming, he changed the subject in his head, or does something crazy to distract himself. Once he'd punched a horse because he almost had a suicidal thought. The horse tried to kick him and all thoughts of suicide were gone. Johnny was always scared that if he did allow himself to think of suicide, he might actually go through with it. He was, after all, very impulsive.
But now, lying in a hospital bed, Johnny finally allowed himself to seriously consider suicide. He was too tried to come up with an alternative. He couldn't jump out of bed and make stupid noises, because his body hurt so much. So he really did think about it.
It was his brush with death that had got him thinking about it, naturally. He had been thinking about how he could have died when that car hit him, what life would be like if he HAD died...a silly thought, because if he was dead, he wouldn't be alive. He wouldn't exist. He wouldn't be Johnny Nose. He wouldn't have to be Johnny Nose all the time to protect himself from the realities of life. There would be no realities of life. There would be nothing! And he never would have even known about it. He could have died when that car hit him and not have had time to think about it. Gone, like that, in the blink of an eye. It scared him. It excited him.
Perhaps he would be better off dead. Perhaps the world would be better off with him dead. What did he add to the world, really? He lied to himself often, told himself he was the only sane person, the only smart person, the only one who really knew what was going on. But deep down he knew what utter crap that was. Johnny Nose was the mask he wore, a suit of armour that protected him from the truth. But the mask felt like it had been torn off. The suit of armour hadn't protected him from that car. He was nothing. He did nothing. He wasn't like anyone else, he had nothing to add to the world. Of course he didn't, if he had, he would have done so by now! He was just using up space...a waste of everybody's time, even his won. He really would be better off dead, the world really would be better off with him dead.
He was lying in a hospital bed waiting in terror for his parents to arrive. It had been three years since he last saw them. How could he kill himself before they got here? Pull himself up, jump out the window? It looked pretty secure. Even if he could, he would have time to think about it. Time to consider it fully, time to change his mind. No, he couldn't do that. Overdose then? He had been storing his pills...but he didn't have enough yet. He wasn't sure how many he would need, but he was pretty sure the three he had wouldn't be enough. What then? WHAT?
His cousin walked in. Too late. He would have to face them. He almost felt himself leave his body as she stepped over to him. It seemed to be happening to someone else.
"Johnny...your mum really wants to see you, but your dad...he's not...not ready. So they're waiting for a while...just a few days, I think. Then they'll come. I'm sorry I didn't bring them with me. I thought I'd come in anyway."
He was lost for words! A first time for everything, he supposed. Say something. Be Johnny Nose. He had to be, it was the only way. Johnny Nose had gotten him through life. There was no going back...there was nothing to go back to. He'd always been like this...wrong. Unable to feel the way the others did, unable to express himself like them. He looked at his cousin, her sweet slightly sad face smiling at him. Do something! Do something Johnny Nose would do! Saying something outrageous!
"Thank you," he said, weakly.
